| Baby tell me where'd you ever learn To fight without sayin' a word Then waltz back into my life Like it's all gonna be alright Don't you know how much it hurts The looks. The looks that made his stomach churn with nervous anticipation. The words soon to follow that would rip into his heart and pierce his soul with pain and hurt. The look of disapproval that washed across his face as he spoke the word. The one simple, plain word that he swore to the both of them that he'd never utter when an answer was requested. The disappointment, the heartache. He'd become a let down. He'd gone against his promises. His beliefs. His word. The pain that swirled behind the jade of the eyes that bore into his soul as they glared at the back of his head for the rest of the show made him sick to his stomach. He'd done it, and now he'd pay the price. Face the demons, and plead for forgiveness from the one person he swore he'd never hurt. When we don't talk When we don't touch When it doesn't feel like we're even in love It matters to me When I don't know what to say Don't know what to do Don't know if it really even matters to you How can I make you see It matters to me Silence. That's all that surrounded them. Silence. Uncomfortable silence at that. Fear to begin talking, scared that emotions would overflow. That words without feeling would be screamed at the loudest one's voice could possibly go without doing permanent damage. Words they didn't mean. Words they regretted saying once they escaped their lips. Much like he regreted the one word that got him into the situation laid out before him right now. The situation that haunted him and created a diversion to the lie they were forced to live. A lie that seemed a heavy price to pay, but well worth it just to be able to whisper in one another's ear when they didn't think people noticed. Worth it to be able to share in the touches that seemed accidental to the eyes that may have caught them, but with full knowledge that it had to suffice as an act of endearment until they were alone. It was all worth it, in their opinion. What took years to realize and almost as long to admit now served as the smiles they wore when in public. And now the smiles were gone. Taken over by frowns and remorse, begrudging them the normal happiness they shared when in the same room together, no matter how many people accompanied them, for whatever the reason. Maybe I still don't understand The distance between a woman and a man So tell me how far it is And how you can love like this 'Cause I'm not sure I can How does he love him so unconditionally? The rumors that swirled around his name. The constant flash of a camera. A reporter clamoring to dig up information on him. The camera crews hiding behind pushes with the mere hope of catching him doing something off color. Anything to bring the golden boy down. How did they miss THIS? If ANYTHING warranted publication, this would be it. But, they were so concerned in trying to find out about what DIDN'T exist in his life, that they glossed over the one thing that did. The truth. The man loved by what could be millions of girls worldwide crawled into his bed in the middle of the night for comfort. The curls on his head tickling the bare flesh of his lover's chest as he nuzzled into his side and sighed the sigh to signal his confusion. He didn't know what to do. The confusion, the fear of hurting so many people should their secret ever be revealed. The memories of the reactions the others had when they finally decided it was best to tell them flat out then have them guess or assume it. Or worse, witness it for themselves. He loved him so purely, despite everything he read about him. Lance loves Justin. Justin loves Lance. It all sounded so right to them. The look in Lance's eyes made Justin cringe with the thought that just an ounce of that love seeped from Lance's heart just from that one word, from that one stupid question that haunted him like a nightmare. To think that "Yes" could have caused him to lose the slightest bit of love was a thought that sent him racing to the bathroom to purge the very thought from his system in fear that it had that small token of truth to it. Damnit, he still had to love him. He did this for him. For them. When we don't talk When we don't touch When it doesn't feel like we're even in love It matters to me When I don't know what to say Don't know what to do Don't know if it really even matters to you How can I make you see It matters to me "Please say something, Lance," he pleaded as he walked into the hotel room he'd creep into later that night, when all of the lights were off and snores filled the hallway. "There's nothing to say, Justin. You said eventually you'd have to. I knew it, we all knew it. So, you did it. Yay for her," Lance said as he pulled his clothes for the night out of the drawer. They'd always stood by one another when making tough decisions. The greatest one was the one responsible for bringing them together. The questions they'd each had for years about what the other may have been thinking all being answered that one horrible horrible evening. "Is he gonna be ok?" Justin asked as tears streamed from his eyes. "He needs a lot of rest, son. He's been worn out. He collapsed tonight because his body couldn't withstand the pressure anymore. It was being starved. We're going to replenish him, but he can't over exert himself," the doctor said to the group standing around him. Justin peered past the doctor and into the curtain that shielded his friend from the world around them. The world of hurt and confusion and questions as to why this was allowed to happen. "You mean he can't perform?" Lou asked. The others glared at the man responsible for their friend collapsing before their very eyes during the rehearsal. He'd suffered through the performance for the Summer Jams concert, so sick that he couldn't even act in the skits they were taping to go along with it. Practically green when he sat on the stage for the Rosie show. But he did it, he pushed because he knew it was his job to do so. And now look. Lying in a hospital bed, contraptions all around him. Beeping, buzzing, feeding the life back into him that got sucked out all because this man was afraid to lose a buck. " Well, you boys will have to perform the rest of the Florida shows without him," Lou said as Johnny nodded in remorseful aceptance. "What? We can't do that. We're not *NSYNC without Lance. we'll sound off. Our dancing will be off," Justin argued as JC chimed in. Joey and Chris had walked off to call Lance's parents. "You'll do fine. It's just 4 shows. I'll push back the pay per view taping, but I'm not cancelling these shows in these venues. No way. National Car Rental Center is brand new. We do good, we get in there for the big stuff," Lou said matter of factly. "End of discussion. call me when he wakes up." "Man, this is fuckin ridiculous", Justin growled as Johnny and JC began talking amongst themselves. He slipped away and walked through the curtain, closing it behind him. He pulled up a small chair to the bedside and reached out to touch Lance's hand. Seeing him like this brought a pounding to his chest that was probably so similar to the one Lance felt before he collapsed that Justin would almost swear it was a sympathy pain. He reached his hand out to smooth the soft hair that was matted to Lance's head in sweat and rain from when the ambulence came to take him away. "Hey," Lance whispered to him. "Hi, oh God Lance." Jusitn sobbed as Lance reached out and rested his hand on Justin's arm. "I'm Okay. I heard what the doctor said," he said, his voice remaining in a whisper. "Lance, I don't think it's right that we have to perform without you." "It's not. But you should. You four can do it. Hell, you could do it alone, Justin. Do it." Lance pleaded. "I don't wanna!" Justin cried, trying not to sound like the immature selfish brat he felt like, because he wanted Lance there with them. "Do it for me," Lance said with pleading eyes, so endearing and warm that Justin felt his heart drop. All of the emotions came back to him. All of the feelings he'd tried to ignore, push out of his mind, erase from his heart. They were all there, and staring right back at him, mirrored in lance's eyes. In Lance's touch. They did do the shows. Justin's tears highlighting his eyes for numerous songs. At the afterparty in Boca, Justin apologized for Lance's absence. Reliving the story of why Lance wasn't there with them, he broke down in tears and handed the microphone to Joey, wiping his tears on the Volunteers jersey he wore. "I miss Lance," he cried onto JC's shoulder. And now, now he'd hurt him. The love of his life was barely able to look at him. "I love you, Lance" Justin sobbed. "I love YOU. I love what we have, what we stand for. The purity despite the forbiddenness of what we share. Don't take it away from me." "Justin, I'm not going anywhere. I'm hurt, but never will I reach the point where I remove you from my heart. Never," Lance said as he walked towards his younger lover, the man who held his heart and half of his soul. "Don't ignore me ever again, please. I need your words to live." Justin's words came out in choked sobs. His eyes pleading with the man before him as he gripped Lance's hands so tight that their knuckles went white. "It's all that matters to me" BACK |