| Lance solemnly sunk back into the huge leather couch watching merging, blurred people adorned in black, come and go. All offering their tearful condolences despite being a little embarrassed at not knowing what to say at a time like this. Lance silently appreciated the vast support, but no amount of kind words was going to bring Justin back to him. Reality was that Justin was dead and it was all his fault. ---Flashback--- “Lance, c’mon, slow down! We’re gonna get there in time” Justin warned, concern etching at his youthful features as Lance’s tension caused him to speed to their invite of some aftershow party or another. Every appearance seemed to blur into one for Justin as he tried hard to remember the name of the movie. “We’re late we’re dead” he said, looking at his wrists, cussing as he’d forgotten his watch, mentally seeing it on the side of the bath, the place he had left it after his hurried shower. He squinted in the darkness, wiping the misty windshield as he struggled to see the road ahead of him. The night shadow enveloped them in blindness, the headlights not making any difference. Lance could barely see his hand in front of his face and stood no chance with oncoming traffic. “Lance look out!” Justin yelled, horror and fear filling his voice, causing Lance to look up to see a truck hurtling towards them. Gripped by panic Lance frantically turned the steering wheel trying desperately to swerve out of the way, tears of determination blinding him as Justin’s terrified cries echoed around him. Lance was suddenly jolted forward as a loud crunching sound deafened him. Windshield glass flew at him, scratching his face and eyes, stopping him from seeing the blood that poured from himself and his lifeless lover. Slowly moving his arm, yelling in agony, he blindly reached out a hand for Justin. “J? Justin?!” he screamed into the darkness that only he saw, pain consuming his body. “Justin baby? Can you hear me? Are you ok?” he yelled as his hand touched a still Justin, recoiling as he felt the amount of blood he had lost, knowing in his heart that he was gone. Forever. ---End Flashback--- "It should have been me” he whispered to himself, glad he still had scars to remind him of the man he had killed. He stared at the plaster cast on his arm and thought how unfair it was that he was still here with just a few broken bones and he was dead. He flexed his fingers and never wanted the pain to leave his emaciated body. It seemed only right that he should suffer for the rest of his life, if he had cost Justin his. Gradually people started to leave taking their endless condolences and sympathy with them. Even though Lance had been surrounded by people he had never felt more alone, but it wasn’t until the last person left that he realised he was now on his own. The overwhelming silence engulfed him like fog on a cold morning that he couldn’t escape from, not even if he wanted to. He wanted to drown in his own grief and guilt. It was if he was trapped from the outside world and could not leave. All he had now were his memories of Justin which he struggled to find a place for. ---Flashback--- “No Justin! Don’t tickle! Please!” Lance cried, looking around for the door. “You got yourself into this!” he laughed, closing in on an already giggling Lance. “Nooo!” he yelled as suddenly Justin lunged for him his hands grappling at every ticklish spot on Lance’s body, reducing him to a hysterical mess. “Please, J! I give! - STOP!!!” he yelled, trying to find the breath to yell his surrender. “That’s what I thought!” Justin grinned his playful nature dying down as he still remain sat on a panting Lance. “You give in too easily” he teased, leaning in closer to the blonde whom he had always found attractive, even though he was too scared to admit his feelings. He didn’t think he could cope with rejection. Lance stared deep into his blue eyes, seeing love there, but love for a friend. Lance sighed and knew he had to tell Justin how he felt. “I love you” he whispered in a small, shy voice. “I love ya too man!” he grinned, looking down at Lance, concerned by the serious expression that his face homed. “No Justin. I mean it. I love you. I always have” Justin’s smile faded away slowly before breaking into a beaming grin. Had he heard right? Lance loved him? The man he’d been scared of rejecting him, reciprocated his immense feelings of love? “Same here.” Lance shook his head. “Don’t play me like that man” he sighed, cut of by Justin’s lips against his. “I love you Lance” JUSTIN spoke with a firm sincerity as he broke the kiss. “I love you too” he repeated, leaning in for more… ---End Flashback--- It had to be the happiest day of his life, but it was also one of his last. Lance had confessed his love to Justin a little under a fortnight ago. Who knew that within two weeks Justin Timberlake would be dead? Justin ran shaking fingers through a mop of thick dark hair, his blue eyes flitting madly around his environment, taking in the happy people dressed only in white, varying in ages. A small child gripped the hand of an elderly gentleman as the two were clenched in a conversation. Big blue eyes lit up as the man spoke to him with a grin brightening up his whole face as he was pulled into a tight embrace. Justin had the fortune of witnessing another reunion. It was magical whenever loved ones saw each other again. Their happiness could light up the whole place, causing the sun to shine brightly over the rest of the world. Even though it seemed a tragic shame that a child had to die to for the enchanting rapture to occur. A fortnight had passed and Justin still refused to believe he was dead. Denial burned at his heart as he still thought of his lover, and how half of him expected to see the blonde bounce over to him for a hug. He also refused that the only way he would be able to see his love would be without the normalities of embraces, conversations and even knowledge of his presence. Trips down to earth still had to be learnt and Justin was not quite strong enough. Not only in the physical sense, but seeing his lover, alone, could tear him apart. Adding to the pain he already felt. Hurt that suffocated him, and would not let him be. Justin turned the corner in the bright hallway, ignoring smiles from others as he made his way to his room. His own room was a vastness filled with only a bed, a table and a window. Justin pressed his hand to the glass and willed for it to show him his lover, his eyes watering up as an image of the grieving blonde blurred onto the window before its clarity slowly improved. Justin shook with sobs as he watched Lance move about his surroundings in a lethargic manner, his face streaked with tears that Justin wished he could wipe away. His suit hung off him as if he had brought the wrong size. It illuminated his gaunt, cartilaginous appearance that Justin wanted nothing more than to entrap in his arms and never let go. “God Lance, I love you” he cried, letting the image disappear before the pain became unbearable. He curled up on his soft bed and let his body shake with gasping sobs that he had no control over. If this was heaven, why wasn’t he happy? Lance wandered around the house that he and Justin had shared. It still felt as if he was there. Clothes lay in the laundry basket, ready to be washed and lyrics lay unfinished at the piano, waiting for Lance to add the melody. He smiled as he thought to the back to the few piano lessons he had given Justin. He was a fast learner, but then he always had been. Lance sat down at his boyfriend’s loved music and shuddered as a chill ran up his spine. He placed a weak finger onto the keys and tapped out the tune that ran across the white pages his lover had scrawled on, letting tears cascaded from his eyes as the beautiful melody rang through the air. Lance suddenly slammed the piano shut and jumped to his feet. If he couldn’t be with Justin he at least wanted the hurt to disperse instead of the tightness that tugged at his chest on every thought of his lover. He slowly sunk to the couch, pulling his head into his hands as he struggled to force breaths out. Cries poured out from him in huge heaving chokes that filled the air with a vocalised anguish. “I love you Justin” he wept, images of his lover filling his mind before the time came when he forgot what his boyfriend even looked like. Lance prayed that day would never reach him. He was determined not to forget his one love, only to keep Justin in his mind and his heart at all times, until the sweet day came when he would join his love in heaven. Lance felt a sudden chill as he entered his room, the room that smelt of Justin’s cologne and shampoo, the room that was sprawled with Justin’s clothes in the corner, the room that contained every aspect of Justin, from his untidiness, to his laid-back persona as Lance remembered him laid upon the bed engrossed in the TV. Pulling the bedroom windows shut he reached for a bottle of pills that were to help him sleep. He swallowed the regulation maximum of two, but couldn’t stop himself. He placed the bottle to his lips and guzzled down the entire contents in such a speed that he couldn’t think about what he was doing. Lance could feel the start of a headache in his temples and dizziness swept over his body. Were those the affects of grief or the fifty tablets he’d just swallowed? As he fell to his knees in an overwhelming sickness he knew this was now down to the pills and smiled, as soon he and Justin would be together again. "Lance?” a grief filled voice belonging to Joey called through the mailbox. “No answer” he solemnly announced, straightening up and turning to his bandmates. “I say we break the door down” Chris kidded, producing a few minuscule snorts of laughter at his dramatics. “Nah he’s probably still asleep” JC reasoned in a whisper, the life absent from his eyes, peering through the window and into the dark living room, half expecting Justin to jump out at them. God he missed him. “At two in the afternoon?” "It’s possible…” “…And also very unlikely,” Chris scoffed, knowing that although Lance was no way a morning person, he still hated to sleep late. “Maybe he went out" "JC, the man hasn’t uttered a word since Justin… well since he…” "Died Joey. You can say the word” JC almost spat out, frustrated as to how such a good person could be snatched from the earth. Perplexity also echoed his belief system, questioning the actuality of an afterlife, or even God. If God existed why were they grieving the death of their best friend? Why were they being put through such a torture? Why? The easiest question, the hardest to answer. "Yeah since he…died” Joey hesitated and whispered the word he hated. “He’s hardly gonna leave the house now is he?” The guys looked at each other and knew that they had run out of valid possibilities. “He probably just doesn’t wanna talk” sighed Joey as JC felt under the welcome mat for the spare key. “Even so, I just wanna check on him. Make sure he’s ok” he knew Lance had taken Justin’s death harder than anyone and had only recently found out why. He pulled open to stiff door and walked briskly inside calling his friends name. “Not in the lounge” he announced quietly, more so to himself. “Someone check upstairs!” he yelled from the empty kitchen. “JC!!!” a horrified cry came from upstairs, giving him chill bumps, his heart beating faster pounding at his ready to burst chest as he ran up the staircase, taking two steps at a time in his hurried stride. "What’s wr-” JC stopped as he saw a lifeless Lance sprawled out on the carpet, still in the suit from yesterdays funeral. Next to him lay an empty bottle of pills. “Oh my God” he whispered, repeating it this time much louder, his breathing getting heavier as he dropped to his knees besides Lance. “Lance… Lance buddy can you hear me?” JC spoke softly, gently jiggling his shoulders that turned into much more vigorous shakes as Lance refused to gain consciousness. JC started screaming for Lance to open his eyes as tears trickled from his own. “The ambulance is on it’s way” Chris announced, his voice breaking as he drew in a sharp intake of breath and turned away whilst JC rolled Lance onto his back, checking for a pulse and any other signs that Lance could be alive. His face was pale and his lips had a blue tinge to them, that JC pressed his warm cheek too, swearing as he felt no breath. “Lance, come on buddy! Don’t give up! Don’t leave us! We can’t lose you” he screamed, not knowing as to whether Lance could hear him or not. “Come on Lance! Wake up! WAKE UP!” he yelled as he was shoved out of the way by the paramedics. In a daze, the guys piled into the back of the ambulance, tears streaming down their distraught faces as Lance heart monitor kept flat lining. “No he can’t die… not like this” JC whispered to himself, knowing he would never cope if another one of them left the earth, only watching on helplessly as the paramedics done all they could, but with a sad shake of the head handed Lance over to the care of the doctors. Struggling, the guys were ushered into a waiting room, yelling their protests. “No! We have to stay with him!” frantic cries echoed the hospital as they tried to fight off staff who was urging them into the waiting room. “If there are any changes we will let you know,” tones took adopted a persuasive manner that eventually succeeded into getting the remaining men to quietly wait. “I don’t believe this!” Joey yelled, slowly pacing the room. “I mean we spoke to him, and made sure he was ok" "Yeah but he wasn’t ok! We should have known that! For fuck sake the poor guy just lost his boyfriend!!” he winced slightly at the words, not used to thinking of Lance and Justin as anything more than best friends. Everything had happened so quickly. Before Joey had a chance to be happy for his friends everything was ripped apart and thrown into a hellish turmoil. "We should have stayed with him!” JC cried, pressing his hands together to stop them from shaking. “And now he’s going to die too” JC whispered, staring at the carpet, not even knowing what to think, letting his mind go blank as the hours merged together, passing in a blur. ---Flashback--- “We got somethin to tell you guys” Justin grinned at the smaller blonde man that sat next to him, a mixture of nerves and excitement fluttered through them both. “Sure Jup.. what is it? No don’t tell me.. you’re really a woman and Lance is really a man..” Chris babbled before he was cut off by a hand covering his mouth. “Shut it old man..” JC took charge, a role he often took when he knew it was time to focus. “Go on, man” he urged, wondering what was so important that Justin felt the need to call a group meeting. “Well I’m not really sure how to say this.. so I guess I’m just gonna come out with it..” he whispered, his voice breaking in nervous laughter. “Me and Lance… Fuck this is hard! well we’re.. we’re..” “We’re together” Lance interrupted, blurting out the secret as shock hit the other three like a bolt of lightening. “Come again?” Chris spoke, his voice nothing more than a squeak. “We’re together..” Lance repeated, this time his tone took that of apprehension. “Together? As in.. together?” JC frowned, trying to wrap his mind around the facts that were attacking him hard. “Yes JC.. we’re.. we’re in love” Justin sighed happily, clutching his lover’s hand, entwining their fingers together as he looked at the blonde, catching a smile inching its way onto his lips. “How long have you been.. together?” Chris pried, still unsure as to whether this was just a first class acting job in a prank the guys were playing. “About a week now.. we wanted to tell you as soon as possible..” Justin whispered, not having to remind them how he hated secrets. “Don’t you think that’s.. well kinda sudden to be tellin us this? I mean..” “I know what ya mean Chris.. but how can you put a time on this?” he questioned, bringing the oldest man to a thoughtful silence. “What if you break up? What about the group?” Justin smiled at JC’s concern, sympathising with how much of a shock this must be, but also admiring them for taking it so well. “That won’t happen..” Lance grinned, unable to hide his happiness away. “How d’ya know that?” “He’s the one” Justin and Lance both said immediately, chasing away all of their friend’s apprehension, their smiles fading as they leant in for loving kisses. ---End Flashback--- They had been so happy. Now look at the mess they were in. All three men were grieving for the loss of a friend, and all were praying for the life of another. Chris suddenly jumped to his feet as a doctor walked in, her grave expression telling him all he needed to know. “I’m sorry” was all she could say as a flood of grief filled the room, out of control emotions cascaded out into the open. “We done all we could for him, but in the end Lance had swallowed too many pills. He was dead on arrival. I’m so sorry.” Joey heard a tone but could not make out the words. It was as if he was covering his ears to block out the world, even though his hands remained clenched at his sides, fighting the urge to hit something. JC fell to his knees, his face as white as a sheet and his stomach lurching as he faced up to reality. Tears spilled down his cheeks, showing no signs of ever stopping. “Why did you have to do it Lance?!” he sobbed quietly, pain strangling his heart preventing his breath from flowing normally. “We could have helped him!” JC yelled, diverting his attention to his grief stricken friends, tears blurring his vision just after he saw Joey slowly shake his head. “There was nothing we could have done JC. Nothing” he repeated, throwing himself back into the chair and covering his tear stained face with his hands and he wept. “He wanted to die” Chris choked out, his voice breaking on every word as he struggled to remember what Lance looked like, despite seeing him just hours ago. But that wasn’t the Lance they knew. When Justin was killed it had seemed as if Lance had died along with him. He became very withdrawn and depressed, more so than could be expected, and deep down in the pit of their hearts, the guys knew that it was only a matter of time before Lance would leave them too. Lance opened his eyes to be greeted by darkness. Sitting up was a struggle due to the tiny size of the black room. He murmured to himself, trying to find his voice. His identity. Nothing. His mouth moved but silence answered him. He felt along the walls and pounded at them, to be once again met by hush. He felt tears spill down his cheeks as he hugged his knees to his chest, trying to stop himself from shaking. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was swallowing down pills and the distant voice of a desperate JC, yelling for him to wake up. Lance remembered that he wanted to die more than anything, but surely he wasn’t… Lance looked around him, trying to peer into the unfamiliar dark. If he was dead why wasn’t he in heaven? “God doesn’t forgive those who take their own lives” a voice in his head told him. “Those who take their own lives are sinners, and sinners must be punished.” Hell? He was in hell? All he wanted was to be with Justin and he was being punished for that?! Lance threw his head back and yelled at the top of his lungs. “Justin! Justin where are you!? I need you!!” he screamed, startled as his voice answered him. “I’m here Lance. I never left you.” He felt a sudden warmth over his hand, as if someone was holding it, comforting him. “Why can’t I see you?” his sobs now minimal. “You will. You need to rest first” he soothed, cradling his head in his strong arms, gently pulling him back onto the floor, sending him to slumber. “I love you Justin” he whispered as a yawn choked him and blankets that weren’t there covered him as a gentle smile tickled his lips. Soon. BACK |