Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than
five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience
infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best
provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the
grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring
grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he
will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept
that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the
loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby
who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the
hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they
try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be
different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the
infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year.
It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to
heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the
bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones,
which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my
husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are
invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has
taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of
money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do
not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each
month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon
the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

   They will eventually conceive a baby.
   They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without
children.
   They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or
becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your
emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so
they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much
harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to
providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became
pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few
months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not
diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become
pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat
a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year.
This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax."
Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more
stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like
she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there
is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband
and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and
four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to
say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a
diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with
treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation
itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are
surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give
birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the
couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the
joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not
being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do
not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you
are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to
be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards.
Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible
loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel
does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that
she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst"
thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a
loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To
someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing
might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has
walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years,
watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing.
And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child,
infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be
worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered
cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she
could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend
for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be
such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were
in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent
the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who
wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious,
the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a
medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple
eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the
method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you
just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you
try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option.
Here are a few of them.IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many
people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for
each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less
for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of
money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then
risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into
her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very
taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively
abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot
bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become
parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of
multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends
who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever
give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the
reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a
gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know
how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology.
If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by
raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your
support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion,
then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they
need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the
financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there
were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is
further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will
make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to
yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them
through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a
numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of
them:

   Blocked fallopian tubes
   Cysts
   Endometriosis
   Low hormone levels
   Low "normal form" sperm count
   Low progesterone level
   Low sperm count
   Low sperm motility
   Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or
book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your
friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends
probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than
you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there
is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when
you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with
years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work
with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue
when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more
about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to
solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you
need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable
position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor
uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate
your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your
infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your
infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life
in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However,
there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from
my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you
experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue.
You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your
life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are
enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When
I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd
gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When
a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would
cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new
babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your
infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy
for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your
new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just
trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact
that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby
with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to
become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the
logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I
appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in
parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you
successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time
you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of
responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant
longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also
probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a
longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other
couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would
never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have
our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we
have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the
truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many
couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very
sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm
counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner.
The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out
more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts
and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what
your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected.
Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to
keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that
your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an
adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to
work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption
decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they
must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose.
Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When
my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first
question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was,
"Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the
adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is
not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of
the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This
takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend
cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision
for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only
words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether
through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However,
"pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing
if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk
about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you
this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take
that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there
is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them
know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend
who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for
them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this
alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who
cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile
women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the
stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans
for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a
mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember
your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know
you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't
"forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will
stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief.
Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the
loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their
decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from
adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution
(whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents),
they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open
that chapter again.

From AOL http://www.aol.com

alt.infertility.primary

12/7/03