by Joseph Anderson

Xena, Gabrielle and all elements from the TV program Xena: Warrior Princess are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. All other elements belong to the author. No copyright infringement is intended with this fan fiction which may not be sold, may be copied for personal use only, and must include all notices of copyright.

Note: I hope this doesn't offend anybody. There's no graphic violence for a change but I might be getting into sticky territory here for people with strong feelings about the Holocaust. There's a little rough language. Please don't read this if you think you might be offended. I don't think 12 step people will have any problem with it, though.

Xena was a little late as she and Gabrielle arrived. It hadn't started yet but everyone was seated and she and her friend found a couple of empty folding chairs in the back. Suddenly Gabrielle was gone to return a minute later with two styrofoam cups, tea with sugar for her and black coffee for Xena. The warrior princess looked around--good crowd tonight.

"All right, are we ready to begin?" the short stocky Asian who was sitting at the old scarred desk at the front of the room said. It was a rhetorical question but there was a scattering of responses anyway across the room which he ignored. He was shuffling papers in front of them and then said loudly "I'm Genghis and I'm a mass murderer."

"HELLO GENGHIS," the entire room echoed in unison. He stood up but was so short you could still see most of the list of 12 steps in back of him. Almost everyone in the room attended at least one other program. There was a Sex and Power group that they were probably going to merge into the Mass Murderer group because there was so much overlap in members. A lot of them were also in the various substance abuse groups and sex addict groups.

Gabrielle patted Xena's knee. She came as moral support. Almost everyone in the room had someone. The bard felt a little self-conscious. She considered herself just a normal looking person, but most of the others were real knockouts--favorites who had been chosen from thousands of choices.

Genghis continued, "First, let's all give a hand for the great dinner the Treasurer threw for us last week in Memphis. Take a bow, Rameses." The tall aristocratic Egyptian stood up and there was loud applause and hoots. He sat back down. Xena frowned as she heard several coarse comments about the dancing girls. She kept her mouth shut though. That was part of the program; controlling your temper. Finding a more sexist group of guys than conquering mass murderers would be hard to do. They treated her like an honorary man; it didn't change their opinions about other women.

She felt someone looking at her and she caught his eye. He was really puritanical and didn't approve of that kind of lewd behavior either. They shared an understanding look. She looked at his companion. Gods! Eva was so sweet and pretty. If she wasn't committed to Gabrielle, Xena would be willing to break the rules and make a play for her. They both liked innocent little blondes who didn't have a clue to their darkness. Gabrielle didn't know how she could even stand Adolph, but Xena figured the whole point was moving on from the past; and Gabrielle still didn't know a fraction of the things Xena had done.

She and Adolph and a couple of others were the only ones who had had no trouble with the "one guest" rule. Rameses had something like 5000 wives and concubines, just like Genghis. She was pretty sure Shaka was in the same boat. Napoleon was there with Josephine instead of his pretty young second wife. Xena felt sorry for the younger woman though everyone knew he only divorced Josephine because he wanted an heir.

"Would someone like to read a step for us? All right."

"Hello. I'm Ragnarok and I'm a mass murderer."


After the Viking finished reading the fourth step, Genghis spoke again. "For our speaker tonight, we had originally planned on having Adolph's friend, Benito, but he was called away for some kind of new war crimes that were found, so instead one of our old favorites has agreed to step in and share. Alex."

There was a rustling across the room and you could feel the anticipation. Even in this group Alex was something special. The blonde young man rose from his seat a few rows in front of Xena and made his way to the front. Sitting next to him had been the Persian eunuch, his favorite; Xena could never remember his name. A real babe even here--his eyes followed Alex with "the look." Every so often a newcomer made some homophobic crack and Alex kicked his ass like clockwork. No one ever said anything to Xena about Gabrielle. She knew they were all turned on by the thought of two women and wanted a threesome with them. Xena would actually be into that but she knew Gabrielle would never go for it. Xena herself fantasized sometimes about a threesome with Gabrielle and Eva. It would never happen though.

Alex wore his dress armor, a real crowd pleaser. He was the role model for something like two-thirds of the people in the room. Dying young like he did just made him more glamorous. No one was like Alex. He could turn his charisma on and off at will. Now he turned it on and the room was mesmerized by the one and only Alexander the Great. Xena had predated Alex. The first time she heard him speak she thought it must be horse dung. It wasn't though.

"My name is Alex and I'm a mass murderer," he said, and the group responded enthusiastically "HELLO ALEX!"

After Alex's share everybody applauded for a long time. There was an awful lot of relish shown for what they were supposedly trying to get control over. Rameses started the baskets going around and she heard the usual clinking and clunking as all kinds of gold coins and jewelry piled up. Unlike other groups they put a limit on how much you could give; they tended to compete with each other in generosity. After they all held hands and said the Serenity Prayer everybody broke up into little groups. Everybody wanted to touch Alex it seemed like. He had turned his charisma off but he was still Alex. The Persian eunuch held onto his arm possessively.

As she milled around greeting people and munching on an oreo, Xena heard snatches of a conversation:

"I don't belong here. They asked for it. The only reason I'm here is Budda sent me."

"We were all sent here, just about. Just keep coming to meetings and don't sack any cities. Read the Book. Work the steps."

"Hades sent me."

"The archangel Michael here."

"Well, I didn't do anything wrong, and you're all just a bunch of weaklings as far as I can see!"

"Denial aint just a river in Egypt."

Xena looked around. Adolph was off in one corner with the few others who didn't smoke. Everybody else lit up as soon as the meeting ended. Xena was ashamed of herself for not admitting to Gabrielle that Adolph was her sponsor. She'd chosen him because he was SO DARK she felt innocent compared to him. She would've liked to go talk to him, but she knew her friend practically shuddered at the sight of the short man. Xena knew she really shouldn't bring Gabrielle since she had that effect on her. Xena waved to Adolph and Eva as she retrieved Gabrielle from the food table and prepared to leave. He looked at her knowingly. He was used to it from people. He was just as singular in his way as Alex. Gods, Eva was a sweetheart!

The End