By Joseph Anderson

Callisto and Xena belong to Renaissance Pictures and King Features. No copyright infringement is intended, and this story may not be sold and must contain all notice of copyright.

This is supposed to be funny but there is some violence and bad language.

Once upon a time there was a nasty old man with three sons. Now as happens the day came when the old man was dying after a long painful and disgusting illness. And his three sons stood around his deathbed, trying to ignore the sick old person smell.

To his eldest son the old man said, "Dear boy, I am on my deathbed. Truth be told I am glad for life is nothing but pain and sorrow. Death will be better, that I am sure of. I dislike you heartily, but as my firstborn son I give to you all my gold. Don't piss it away. Buy yourself a pot instead."

The eldest son said, "Thank you, dear father. Life may be nothing but pain and sorrow but at least I hope my death is not so long painful and disgusting as yours. I shall follow your advice and buy a pot to piss in. You took your time sweet time to die, I must say." And the father and son nodded at each other in understanding, for like many eldest sons he was a chip off the old block.

And the old man looked at his second son. "Dear boy, you understand that I had to give my gold to your brother, I hope. As the firstborn I love him more and you were nothing but insurance. To you I give my old mule. He is even sicker than me so you had best use him before he drops dead."

"Thank you, father. I well understand you love my elder brother better. Let me tell you a secret mother told me. I am not really your son but that of your best friend."

And the old man said, "Ah, I knew it! Let me tell you a secret. I poisoned her and cut his throat. I always suspected the truth and that is the real reason I'm only leaving you a dying mule!"

The father and second son then looked at each other nodded. They also understood each other well.

Now the dying old man spoke to his youngest son. "Dear boy, I know that you really are my son for you look just like my own foolish father. I have nothing else to give you, and you must make your own way in the world. Perhaps you can peddle your ass like my father did. I don't know what else you could be good for since you are a simpteton after all."

Now the youngest son began to weep. "Father, I love you and will miss you very much!"

The old man rolled his eyes and looked at his other sons who also rolled their eyes. Then the nasty old man died and his three sons quickly hurried away because of the awful stench.

Now the youngest son said to his brothers, "Farewell, for I go to make my way in the world!"

His brothers barely gave him a glance. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get lost," they both said in unison as they eyed each other with suspicion. Both were greedy and cruel and wanted what the other had: the elder wanted the diseased mule and the younger wanted the gold. Neither cared if the simpleton lived, died or peddled his ass.

So the youngest son smiled warmly at them and set out to make his way in the world. In spite of his father's loving advice he did not wish to peddle his ass though.

Now as he was walking down a country road he saw a large pile of stones and as he was passing he heard sounds coming from under it.

"Hello. Is anyone there?" He called.

To his amazement a voice answered. "Free me and I will give you a great reward."

The simple young man said, "Who are you? How did you come to this predicament, if I may ask?"

And the voice answered. "I am a sweet and innocent maiden named Callisto. A wicked witch named Xena trapped me because she hates everything that is good and pure."

"Xena is not a wicked witch but a heroic warrior princess," the good-hearted young man argued.

"That is another Xena."

Well, that explained that. Then the simple young man said, "Callisto is an evil goddess, the archenemy of Xena the warrior princess. She cannot be killed but only trapped under a great pile of stones."

"That is another Callisto."

The simple young man said, "Oh, I see. I will free you then."


So the simple good-hearted young man began to carry away stones. And it was hard labor because the pile was very high and he worked for days and days without rest. Finally he uncovered a beautiful blonde woman dressed in tight black leather that emphasized her big breasts. She leaped up and screamed, "Oh, Xena!" Then her eyes began to glow and all of the dirt and dust on her magically disappeared. She drew a sword and held it above her head where it turned into a great column of fire, and a terrifying crack of thunder shook the ground.

"Are you sure you are a sweet and innocent maiden? I do not mean to be rude."

And Callisto looked at the simple young man and got an insane smile that seemed too wide for her face. "I am not an innocent maiden but an evil goddess!" And she threw the flaming sword into the air where it turned into a vulture and flew away looking for dead bodies to devour (for it was very hungry).

"You fooled me! There was no way I could have known!"

Callisto rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah right. Since I'm a goddess I have to keep my promise. What do you want for a reward?"

The good young man assumed his "clever" look, standing just so and with one hand on his hip. "Lie down so I may cover you over with a great pile of stones....OWWW!" He rubbed the back of his head which the big-breasted goddess had struck with the flat of her hand.

"Nice try, halfwit. But I get to pick your reward, not you. Tell me about yourself. NOW!" She said the last in such a menacing tone that the sweet young man thought it prudent to obey. So he told the beautiful evil goddess about his life all the way to his dear father dying and what his brothers said and how bad the smell was.

The goddess Callisto listened closely and she rolled her beautiful brown eyes several times. Finally she said, "I know the perfect reward. I'll marry you off to a Prncess. You'll never have to think for yourself at all after that."


"See. Just remember: Princess Good. Thinking Bad.

The young man scratched his head and said, "Can she have big breasts like you?"

Callisto was making flames shoot out from each of her fingers in turn, checking to see if the pilot wasn't out. She glanced over at the simpleton. "I'll see what I can do." Then she disappeared in a blaze that singed the young man's eyebrows.

Now the simple young man shrugged and continued on his way. He wondered if his father was right. Perhaps peddling his ass was all he was good for. He thought he should get tighter clothes and a selection of lubricants.

After several days he reached a large city and was preparing to peddle his ass when he saw a town crier who loudly proclaimed, "The evil goddess Callisto has escaped and is burning crops and villages. The King promises his daughter in marriage to whomever can rid the kingdom of Callisto."

The simple young man fervently said to no one in particular, "However did she get loose? Oh, if only I could be the one to save the kingdom!" (For he really was a simpleton and had forgotten it was in fact him who had freed the evil goddess from where Xena had imprisoned her.)

"I wouldn't call it the impossible dream." He turned and saw Callisto herself. "No one else can see me. Do you understand what we're doing?"

"Of course!" he declared stoutly.

Callisto smiled evilly, "It can't fail. Just a nice simple plan to fulfill my godly responsibilities."

"What plan?"

The goddess growled, "You said you understood."

"I do. What plan?"

Callisto looked at the ground and shook her head. "You get to marry the Princess by saying you defeated me."

"I'm not so sure I can. You are an evil goddess and I am just a simpleton."

Little wisps of smoke began coming out the goddess's ears. "You won't really beat me. It's an act so you can marry the Princess."

"But that's dishonest!"

The evil beautiful big-breasted goddess's eyes began to glow. "I'm wasting time on you I'd rather spend destroying Xena's soul. I really will stop ravaging the countryside because of you, so it's not dishonest."

The simple good-hearted young man frowned and slowly said, " put it that way."

The blonde goddess disappeared in a bright blaze that no one but the simple young man could see. It still singed his eyebrows though.

So the young man continued on his way looking for a good place to peddle his ass, when who should he see but his two brothers. One was leading the diseased mule, which was beginning to smell like his father, and the other was carrying a small pot to piss in.

"Brothers! I am happy to see you!" The simple young man cried out honestly.

His eldest brother said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. We came here because our village is gone. Callisto destroyed it. I barely got away with my pot. Everyone else is dead, burned up. Rotten scum. Good riddance!" The simple young man smiled. It was like having his dear father back.

The middle brother said too, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least I got away with my diseased mule. And I got some nice rings off of dead bodies. Threw a hump into one too. Bitch wouldn't give me the time of day when she was alive."

The young man hesitantly said, "I do not think you should be robbing the dead, brother, let alone copulating with them."

At those words the middle brother slapped him so hard the young man fell to the ground, and the eldest brother kicked him, just because he felt like it. Then they walked off together.

Now the young man was lying on the ground thinking how much his brothers reminded him of his dear father when a powerful hand hauled him to his feet. "Hello Callisto."

"Those two cocksuckers were your brothers, huh?"

He smiled fondly. "Yes, indeed."

Callisto said, "Maybe I can have some fun with this. Go after your brothers and tell them our plan."

"What plan?"

When smoke began coming from her ears he said, "Oh, THAT plan!" and he hurried away.

Now the young man found his two brothers in an alley where they were robbing a drunkard. "Brothers! I must speak with you."

"What is it this time?" They said in unison as they counted the poor sot's money, each trying to cheat the other out of his share.

"There is a way to marry the Princess without fighting Callisto."

"What?" They said together.

The good young man explained, "The evil big-breasted goddess Callisto is leaving so she can go back to destroying Xena's soul. I will have the Princess for my bride if I claim I defeated Callisto But...." His brothers were no longer listening. He wanted to tell them it was dishonest and wrong. And besides, Callisto herself devised the plan and she was an evil goddess not to be trusted (as he had learned when she tricked him into freeing her). But they would not listen. Indeed they were so taken with the devious scheme they didn't even ask how a simpleton happened to know all this stuff.

The eldest brother said, "That is a good plan. But I will do it instead of you."

The middle brother glowered and said, "No, I will do it."

The young man began to say, "But ..." He could not continue because his brothers both attacked him and began beating him, threatening him to keep his mouth shut. Then they began to push and shove each other completely ignoring the good-hearted young man. Finally they agreed to claim they vanquished the goddess together, and they walked off.

So the kind young man got up from the filthy ground where his brothers had knocked him. And he sat beside the poor drunkard his brothers had rolled and he held his face in his hands.

"Now what's wrong?"

He looked up and Callisto was standing in front of him in the dirty alley.

"My eyes are up here."

He stopped staring at her evil beautiful breasts, gulped, and raised his eyes to her evil beautiful face.

"Oh Callisto, I did as you told me but now one of my brother's will get to marry the Princess instead of me." Then he began to weep because he had fallen in love with the Princess (although he never laid eyes on her).

And the terrible goddess sat down beside him squarely on the face of the drunken sot. "This is all part of my plan. Your brothers are like flies who will soon be caught in my evil web." And she giggled softly in an insidious way.

"What pla...." He started to say but stopped as she whapped him sharply in the back of the head. "Oh, that plan!" he said.

Callisto muttered, "I wanna get this wrapped up so I can go back to destroying Xena's soul. I'll be in touch." And she disappeared in a blaze again, which would have singed the young man's eyebrows if he had any left. And he looked at the sot whose face she had been sitting on and saw a stupid smile.

The very next day the older brothers went to the palace where the King was in the throne room. The brothers said in unison, "Your Majesty, we will free your land of the scourge of the evil goddess Callisto."

The King said, "If you succeed one of you may marry my daughter and will live like a Prince and the other will get squat. I hope that does not sew discord between you. She is a kind and beautiful girl with large attractive breasts, as you can see." For the Princess was standing beside his throne and blushing prettily at the compliments. And the two brothers were each resolved to have her.

Now in the throne room as well was the simple good-hearted young man, and beside him in disguise was none other than Callisto the evil goddess herself. "Stop staring at her tits and get up there and say what I told you!'

"But they are my own dear brothers!"

"Do it!" she hissed menacingly.

So the young man gulped and stepped forward. "King, it is I who will rid your kingdom of Callisto." Before he could say more his two brothers had rushed over and begun beating him and then each with a final kick left him bleeding on the floor and then they marched out of the throne room. And the poor good-hearted simpleton looked for Callisto but she was no longer there. Instead he saw the Princess's kind face looking down at him, and she even lifted him up and cradled his head against her ample bosoms and he was very happy before passing out from the beating he had just received from his dear brothers.

Now the two older brothers left the city with the intention of simply going into the woods and then returning to claim they had defeated Callisto. However, each wanted the Princess and her breasts for himself! And the evil beautiful blonde goddess had made herself invisible and was walking beside them. And she smiled when they stopped and took out food and drink.

Now the middle brother was actually more crafty then his older brother. And he handed his brother a skin of wine and said, "Here, have a drink." And the wine was poison!

But the older brother although not so crafty was a chip off the old block and just like his dead father. He said, "Thanks, don't mind if I do. This is for you." And he drew a knife and stabbed his brother in the belly and twisted the blade. And then as his brother fell and began moaning, the older brother smirked and drank wine from the skin. He immediately felt a terrible burning and fell and began moaning, for the poison was even more painful than being stabbed and having the blade twisted in your belly.

Now Callisto was laughing so hard that if she were still mortal she would have peed herself. And she made herself visible and stood over the two evil brothers. "This is what you get for being such a pair of cocksuckers," she said sweetly as they writhed in agony. "Maybe being good isn't so bad. This sure was fun."

Then Callisto grabbed each one by the throat and she flew high over the city and dropped them from a great height and they both were screaming up to moment when they hit the cobblestones before the palace and burst like melons. And Callisto laughed so hard that even though she was a goddess she peed herself.

Now the King investiigated the cause of that SPLAT sound . And he recognized the two brothers (when their faces were found). And the King doubted very much they had defeated the evil goddess Callisto. His daughter the Princess came to him, being careful not to step in anything.

"Father, let the third brother go forth against Callisto. I know he will succeed!"

The King remembered the simpleton beaten in his throne room. "You like him, I take it." His daughter wasn't the brightest lamp in the room herself.

The Princess nodded prettily and blushed all the way from her ample cleavage to her pretty cheeks (on her face).

So the King said, "Well, he's welcome to try. Since you like him I hope he succeeds. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of giving you to one of those cocksuckers anyway." And the sweet Princess nodded, because she felt the same.

Now the good-hearted young man was weeping at the funeral of his two brothers, who were buried together in one grave. There was no way to tell which was which, since they burst like melons when dropped by Callisto.

"Don't cry over them! They were assholes. No, my mistake: cocksuckers."

At the sweet and gentle voice he looked over and saw the goddess standing with him at the graveside. "Hello Callisto. My brothers were not so bad. I miss them deeply for they were just like my dear father...OWWW!" The goddess had smacked him in the back of his head again and it felt like he had a goose egg back there.

"It's a whole lot less frustrating doing evil than doing good, I can tell you that," she said. Then Callisto hissed dangerously, "Now, we are going to finish my plan." She held a hand up warningly. "If you say 'what plan' I'm going to burn one of your ears off." The simple young man had opened his mouth to speak but closed it with a snap. "Good boy," the evil goddess said and smiled. Then she disappeared.

So the next day the King had fine armor put on the simple young man, and the beautiful Princess kissed his cheeks (of his face). And the young man bravely went forth. And the King sighed and the Princess bit her lip in worry, because they feared the young man would meet the same fate as his brothers. That is to say dropped from a great height onto the cobblestones before the palace to burst like a melon.

Now the good-hearted young man entered the dark forest and the beautiful evil goddess Callisto said, "My faith in humanity is restored. You actually followed my plan. Maybe Gabrielle has a point. Maybe I really can change."

And the simple good-hearted young man drew his sword. "What plan? I'm here to fight you and save the kingdom!"

And Callisto sighed loudly and since she was a goddess it was like the wind in the trees. And the brave simpleton rushed at the evil goddess and Callisto made herself like smoke, so he ran right through her and into a tree, which knocked him unconscious.

Now the evil beautiful blonde goddess stood over the unconscious simple young man. And smoke began coming from her ears and her eyes began to glow like coals. And part of her wanted very much to treat him like she had his cocksucker brothers and drop him from a great height so he would burst like a melon. But she had promised to reward him, and since she was a goddess she had to keep her promises. And besides another part of her liked him (though she would horribly kill anyone who said that). So the goddess Callisto picked up the simple young man like he was a baby and flew over the city at a great height, but instead of dropping him she carried him right down into the throne room in front of the King and the Princess and all of the assembled nobles. And she did not make herself invisible this time but instead set him down and held a hand up and a sword of fire appeared in it, and there was a great crack of thunder and everyone was afraid.

And the evil beautiful goddess said, "King, I have never fought so fierce a foe as this!" And with her boot she nudged the simple young man who was drooling a little. "I will leave your kingdom and never return, because I surely do not want to face such a terrible adversary again!" She nudged him once more and he made a snorting sound. Then she looked at the Princess and said, "Don't get fat." And then the evil big-breasted goddess Callisto disappeared in a burst of flame that singed the eyebrows off of everyone present. And because the court no longer had eyebrows it became a fashion throughout the country (though that is another story).

Now the King and the Princess went over to the brave simple young man who was just waking up. And the Princess was overjoyed and held his head to her ample bosoms, and the young simpleton smiled stupidly at her. And the King studied them and thought of what Callisto had said. "Sounds fishy to me," the King said thoughtfully. Suddenly his feet felt like he was wearing lead shoes heated in a fire, and a voice said in his ears. "Are you sure you aren't happy with how this is all working out?" And the King hopped a bit and said, "I think it is working out wonderfully and they look like a happy couple." And his shoes stopped feeling like hot lead and instead it felt like he was standing in cold cheese.

And Callisto did indeed stop burning crops and villages and the brave simpleton was hailed as a hero. And Xena the warrior princess, who heretofore was the only one who ever defeated Callisto, came to his wedding. And Xena spoke to the simple good-hearted young man, hero to hero, and some people say she looked puzzled, and others say suspicious, and others say she laughed so hard that she peed herself and danced with him at his wedding and copped a feel off the beautiful big-breasted Princess. And when Callisto tried to destroy Xena's soul again, the warrior princess trapped her under a great pile of rocks of course, but the rocks were much nicer this time and she did not bury Callisto as deeply.