Acid Reflux Story- Plot of the Evil Overlord Wannabe

By Tsaiko

Part 1: In the Beginning...

     In a universe somewhere, there exists a planet; large,flat,almost disc shaped. Water falls cascade off its side to disappear into space. The land itself rests upon the backs of four elephants, which in turn stand upon the shell of a giant turtle. The great turtle moves slowly through the cosmos, its thoughts rising and falling to a tide only it can hear.
     But in the great scheme of things that doesn't matter. Because our story isn't about that universe.
     Our story is about another universe drifting in time. A universe filled with hopes and dreams, loves and hates, joys and fears, and the countless other emotions that make up life. It's also a universe that exists in the belly of a green, horny little creature named Irving. A creature owned by five millennia old God, who got it as a hand-me-down from her older sister for her birthday.
     It is a universe that suffers from .

Part 2: Enter the Heroes

     In the calm of early night, under a curtain of midnight blue studded with stars, a fire burned. The forest was not happy about this fact, so it took the light from the fire and swallowed it as quickly as it could. All around frogs croaked, insects hummed, and night birds called, undisturbed due to the forests efforts. A group of travellers sat around the fire, unmindful of the mood of the forest, talking now that their evening meal was done.
     "So squirt, where are we heading after this?"
     "South. DAC said that the next page was south."
     "Are you sure, my Lady? I've heard a lot of bad things about the southern countries."
     "So have I. But we can't exactly stay around here."
     "It wasn't my fault! I didn't know they thought were-foxes were demons."
     "It was kind of funny when they started screaming. The chapter I have says that fear is a good way to get converts. Hey Kit, can I borrow you for awhile?"
     "God, is that wise?"
     Anathus lay back against his pack, his staff on the ground beside him, his eyes on the stars above him. He wasn't really listening to the conversation going on around him. His thoughts were far away. Given that Anathus was a wizard he could have been thinking about the secrets of the Universe. Or the ethics of fighter magic. Or even a grocery list of ingredients for a new spell. But he wasn't.
     Anathus was thinking about sex¹. Hot, steamy sex. In reality, sex had dominated Anathus's thoughts for the last twelve years (with minor flashes of panic and schoolwork coming through every once awhile). And due to his elven blood, sex would continue to dominate his thoughts for the next thirteen years. Imagine twenty-five years of puberty.
     Pity Anathus.
     "Anathus. Hello, Anathus. Yoohoo. Come in Anathus."
     "Huh? What?" Anathus jerked himself from his thoughts to see Manami leaning over him.
     "You and Scoot's thoughts are linked, right?" Manami asked. Anathus nodded. "Well I don't know what you were thinking about, but if you want your familiar to survive the next five minutes, you'd better get him away from Roxy."
     The wizard got to his feet so fast that Manami had to sit back on her butt to avoid being knocked over. Desperately, Anathus looked around. Scoot had been right beside him a few minutes ago. Where was he now? He got a sinking feeling in his stomach when he realized that everyone was staring at Roxy.
     Actually, no one was staring at Roxy. They were too busy staring at Scoot. Or what they could see of Scoot. Which was just his tail, protruding from the top of Roxy's breastplate, twitching violently. It was hilarious, but Anathus wasn't laughing. No one was laughing. Not when Roxy looked as if she could cheerfully kill someone, and had the sword to do it with.
     "ANATHUS!"
     The single word echoed off the trees, silencing the sounds of night. Birds took to startled flight from their roost. From just beyond the firelight, our villain smiled. This was the group he had been looking for. They were perfect to complete his plans. A warrior. A priestess. A wizard. A shapechanger. Your typical band of adventurers.
     Soon his evil plot would be complete.
     Soon the lamp would be his.
     Soon he could take his place in the Evil Overlords Society (EOS).
     Soon...

Part 3: Enter the Villains

     They say that all great stories begin in a tavern. This one doesn't. But the Villain's part does.
     The tavern had seen better days, however it was not a dump yet. The wood floors were still clean. The fixtures were still brass. The lamps remained burning brightly, and filled with oil. The plates were (relativaly) clean, and you could identify the meat you were being served.
     The tavern had seen worse days as well, most of them occuring quite recently. The floors, though wood, hadn't seen a coat of polish in years. The brass fixtures were corroding around the edges. The paint was peeling. The molding was loose and, well, molding. And finally, the barmaids were no longer "maids." More like matrons.
     But the beer was cheap and it wasn't a seedy hole-in-the-wall dive.
     Yet.
     From over the stools and tables came a soft, and slightly sultry voice. It was not the kind of voice you would expect to be sultry. Whiny, yes. Petulant, definitely. But hidden within it was a note of raw appeal that had caused more than one man to do a long double take. The fact that she had huge "tracts of land" had nothing to do with it. It was a voice that belonged to Ruby, who was trying to make something of herself and had decided on being a sidekick.
     "I don't get it."
     "There's a surprise."
     "Why do you want to be a part of this... club? If they have such hard re... requi... things you have to do to join, then they can't have many me... memb... people in it. If they don't have many people, they can't be all that great, right?"
     "Ruby, your logic astounds me." The sarcasm in that statement went right over her (natural) blonde head. So thinking she'd been given a compliment, Ruby smiled. The Evil Overlord Wannabe sighed. Of all the sidekicks in the world, why did he wind up with Ruby?
     "Ruby, we are talking about the Evil Overlord's Society. Of course the membership requirements are going to be high. Once you're in... you are in. For life. Unless you go over to the side of Light and Good. But its more than just a club. It's the prestige. The recognition. The bragging rights you get by being bad enough to be a part of EOS. It's the discounts you get on equipping your evil minions, Ruby! Do you know how hard it is to get discounts on evil minion uniforms?"
     The Evil Overlord Wannabe realized he'd been shouting. His heart was pounding, and his breath was coming in short pants. The bar matrons were staring at him, as was Ruby. Taking a deep breath, the Evil Overlord Wannabe lowered his voice to a more reasonable level.
     "Ruby, have you ever heard of Jenner the Heartless?"
     Having just been a victim of the previous outburst, Ruby was very careful when she shook her head no. "No? But he was possibly the greatest Evil Overlord of all times. Brought sixteen countries under his rule. Two of those were used just to grow enough food for his evil army. He ruled over his peasants with an iron fist. People were afraid to say his name for fear it would get back to him. He asked kids to betray their parents for candy. You couldn't even trust your own family. Jenner the Heartless ruled it all from a castle made entirely of black marble. They say that it was so dark, so gloomy, so filled with the miasma of evil that it made the home of the dark elves look like a pre-school playroom. His treasure vaults made dragon's weep with envy."
     The Evil Overlord Wannnabe paused there. "Do you know why you've never heard of Jenner the Heartless? Why he's not even mentioned anymore?" Again, Ruby carefully shook her head. "I'll tell you why. Because when the historians all got together to write it all down, they didn't ask 'How many countries did you rule?' Or 'how many peasants did you oppress?' Instead they asked 'Are you a member of the Evil Overlord's Society?' Guess what the answer was? Come on, Ruby. Guess."
     "No?"
     "Exactly. The answer was no. As soon as the historians heard that, it was the end. Jenner the Heartless faded from history. His deeds were never recorded. His great acts of evil were never retold around the fire. He died, unknown, a bitter old man with nothing. All because he wasn't a member of EOS."
     The Evil Lord Wannabe leaned back in his chair, satisfied that he had made his point. Ruby got real quiet, her mind slowly processing what she had just heard. Finally she spoke.
     "So why do you want to join again?"

Part 4: On the Road Again

     "I can't beleive that you could embarass me like that, Scoot." The small brown squirrel twitched his tail from his place on Anathus's shoulder.
     "Me? It's the middle of spring. My little body is beating in time with my biological clock, and you're thinking of nothing but endless streams of harem girls² dancing by. What did you think was going to happen?"
     "Scoot, it's the middle of summer. You're biological clock should have ticked it's last tock for the year. Besides, you're my familiar. I would hope you had some kind of control." This got Anathus a small beady glare.
     "Control? Let me remind you of that time in the Sultan's Harem when you were watching those elven dancers. I remember right it was Kit who had to exercise 'control' that time."
     "Hey, that's hitting below the belt."
     "So was Kit."
     "Hey A, if you two are going to snipe at each other I'd prefer you left my name out of it." Kit dropped back from the others to walk with the wizard when he caught his name in the conversation. Anathus nodded then resumed walking in gloomy silence. You could almost see the dark cloud of despair hanging over his head.
     "Good job, fox. I'd just gotten him talking too." Scoot leapt onto a low hanging branch and scurried to catch up with Roxy, who was leading the group. "You talk to Anathus. I'll see if I can do damage control on Roxy."
     "Be careful, Scoot. Don't get within sword range."
     The two childhood friends walked in silence for awhile. Golden sunlight formed dappled patterns along the forest floor. Overhead leaves casually murmured to each other in a slight breeze. The air was thick with humidity, but still cool. The only thing missing was the sounds of birds, animals, insects. Instead, there was only silence. It made Kit nervous, though his were-fox senses kept telling him there was nothing unusual going on.
     Excluding the overwhelming silence, of course.
     "Do you think Roxy's ever going to forgive me?"
     Kit was so startled by the unexpected break in the silence, that he almost transformed. Anathus jumped in reaction to Kit's reaction. The two stared at each other for a moment before bursting out into laughter. From at the front of the group, Roxy muttered, "Men."

Part 5: Evil Overlord Wannabe's Plan (complete with drawing)

     

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1=Isn't it amazing how some words just seem to jump out at you?

2=Tha harem girls were not with the group for this adventure. They had elected to stay in the city of Huh?³ and take advantage of the early Spring sales.

3=Huh? was named by two brothers. The two brothers were traveling together through some thick underbrush when one spotted a very poisonous Poison Snake⁴ near his brother's foot. The city was named after the other unfortunate brother's last word.

4=Despite this and other popular myths, the Poison Snake is not actually that deadly. It's the Harmless Snake that causes more deaths. These occur when some magic user sees the Harmless Snake by their (or their friend's or some complete stranger's) foot and throws a fireball at it. In the process, they (or their friend or the complete stranger) are consumed by fire.

Acid Reflux: Plot of the Evil Overlord Wannabe
Susan Lee Gidley
© 1998, Tsaiko