1. Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent any chance of a splash back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.

12. Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a- can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife in a loud voice and always when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, and then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first turd bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the turd. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, example: color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts/carrots etc. You MUST tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. Always look at the paper before throwing it into the pot.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

12. Flush once. If there is any residue left in the pot, on the pot or close to the rim, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself, or when your girlfriend/ wife next uses the toilet.

13. Always leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands if you have time.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.