i know i might be the 5 millionth person to scream out of her lungs "i love you, Jonathan houseman Davis!" but i really dont care. it all started when i was a little girl, my brother would be the one growing up becuz my parents would be too busy killing each other every day. i dont think there was a day that they didnt fought.

anyways, my brother was always strict on me, always saying "dont do that or this.." and when i do (which is always) he would beat me up saying "what do you want to turn out like? Mom? dad? well, im not gonna let you do that to yourself" everytime i would hear that, it would shut me up cuz i dont want to turn out like them.

life past by and my brother got older. he decide to go up town to a place called Huntington beach (i think) with a friend of his to check out this small club which was known to have the heaviest and coolest underground bands there. He left and i was alone with my parents.... i was only 7 or 8.

they killed each other harshly, i remember my mom starting out the fight by yelling at my dad on "why did you let your son go out of town! dont you know that he bitch at me today for cleaning his room!" ....hell broke loose! i remember crying, slaps, yelling, pushing, things being thrown, but it wasn't from my dad, my own mother was going crazy right before my eyes. i stood by a corner, just crying and say to myself that my brother will come home soon, he didn't come soon enough.

only being around 7, i got pissed and hit my Mom to calm down, needless to say i got my ass kicked. sadly no one heard me cry and about 3 hours later, everyone was in separate rooms crying.

around midnight, i hear a knock at my door. i limped to open the door for my brother. he took me to his room and told me to explain everything, when i did he tried to change the subject to something that would make me feel better. he threw out this old tape that was in a recordable player, typed to his chest. he told me that he heard this new band called koRn and he wanted me to hear it. (he knows that i love music) when he pressed play, my life soon began to make sense to me.

i heard the guitars and bass playing together, almost acting like a sexual commotion, like a perfect story of 2 combined to 1. i heard the drums playing exactly on the beat which was created with such devotion and love, the beats which pulled it all together. And then, i heard this man sing. almost like he was singing to me. singing with such anger, sorrow, hope, and tears that i knew so well, even only being so young then. i dont remember what words he was singing but i do remember the emotion put into it. In total of 4 songs i heard that day from my brothers crappy stero tape. my brother first words was " ...do you want to hear it again?" after it was over. i simply smiled and he gaved me the tape to play in my playskool radio.

i dont know what happen that day but love inside of me grew from only listening to this band. after that, as years past by, things only got worst for me personally, family members died left to right, friends moved and one even died, brother just stop taking care for me, he cares for me still but now he got his own life to save, i had 2 abusive boyfriends, and in the end, all i have left is me, Mom, dad, and brother.

my story continues with my parents hating each other (but never divorcing) Mom, brother, even dad beating me up time after time (i had buries, bumps, blood spil,cuts, busted up lip, and red marks left by my mother alone) but again, i had my korn songs helping me out through it all, i never lost hope. and in time, i grew to have a crush for the singer of this band, i soon to know his name as Jonathan Davis, with out knowing how does this guy look like.

i got older and i was watching beavis and butt-head one day ( tehe remember them?) and they were playing blind from korn. i yelled to my brother "oh my God its them!!" when i saw them i notice exactly how fine Jon really was! lordy, i made a great pick. my brother said "dont you know that they have a cd out already?!" i got pissed cuz since that time, i was listening to that old tape and some songs my friend taped over the radio. i soon got the cd, i cried through it, it wasnt hard for me to hear it, but it was just so beautiful that i had to cry. again, more years past and i dont find myself anyway different, same family, but i had hope that one day i will be in a band myself, make it big and meet korn and thank them for giving my life... but times got worse,

i was killing myself at times, i eyeballed the pills, i glared at the butcher knife, i even notice my dads neck tie and see how i can make that to a noose. But always turned away when i see that huge picture of Jon on my wall, looking at me as he was saying "you know better than to give up everything just like that" ... luckily, before i felt down in a place that wasn't my room that didn't had that picture, my Mom turn into a "Mom" and asked whats wrong. it was hard but i released all the tensions build up in me. she helped me through this, and all she asked in return is to help her too. ever since, the "spell" has been broken, i kissed the heavens from up above now for giving me this family.

i thanked korn for their music and Jon for being so open with his life to show me that i wasnt the only one hurting at times. but this doesn't end there...

November of 1999, korn decides to come to my town, northridge, and do the only autograph signing for there newest cd issue. my sweet sweet sweet brother gave me the yellow bracelet to go and be one of the first ones to meet korn. (he gave me this as my birth day present, 12-28) i went alone, but hell it was for korn and waited in line for about 6 hours. luckily in the crowd i found a friend of mines i knew in skool, i joined up with her, and then with her brother who was the 20th in line!

i remember the bagpipe players, then the clown, and then a huge beammer comes riding out. Jon comes out and screaming fans break off my ears! i cried and started to yell, everyone crying and cheerin "korn!", it was great. the whole band was on the stage talking but no one can hear them cuz the crowd was simply too laud. they headed in the tower records for the signing. i waited another 30 mintues to get in.

as the people inside got out, i ran to them to talk to them,they said "they were all kool and all but Jon was bitchy" then another goes "well lay off him! he going through a divorce!" i was mixed emotional now, glad that im inches away from my gods but sad that my one baby is bitchy. i got inside and when it was my turn the first person i saw was the man himself! Jon looked at me, i turned back! i got so scared, but Jon kept on looking at me, i kept on say ing"oh my God, oh my God!" then he smiled and shook my hand. he talked to me like "dont be scared... dont shake.... youre so nice to love us that much.... dont cry.... i love you too... "

the man was too good! i shocked filedys hand next, nice fellow he was, then davids, he was talking to the guy who drew the cover for issue, ( you cant miss that wedding ring of davids, Sparkle sparkle) next was munky, we gave each other that look at needs no words, and then head , who was talking to MTV and hugged me on camera ( fucking MTV didnt show the korn signing on tv, cuz they suck!)

as i was heading out, a girl from a radio station, 106.7 kroq, pulled me away and gave me a hug and said "its ok to cry for love" i left the building in tears and full of spunk. but then realize that i didnt say thank you! i forgot to say thank you!!!! but i soon didnt worried, i know that i will see them again, whether now or later, i will meet all of them again and i know i will remember then to say what i have to say.

my life is and will get better, but i pray and hope for Jon life to do the same, i love him so much for any harm to be done to him. if i had to kill my life to just make his better, and i shall. theres nothing that hurts me anymore, im too broken to be fixed but im too hopeful to be ended.

forever i will love korn, they mean so much to me, i dont ask for them to love me back or anything, all i ask is for them to play the music that is so dear to my soul.