I had been scared of guys as long as I could remember but I thought it was because of this shit that happened to me when I was 15...

I used to baby-sit for this woman that lived down the road from me and stuff... Well, I had to be there at 5am so I would chill on the couch until the kids woke up... About 2 weeks into my baby-sitting career the woman's father crawled on top of me and started groping me and shit... Well, I couldn't move all I could do was lay there with tears streaming down my face until he got off of me... When he did leave I locked myself in the bathroom and just screamed and cried for like an hour and then I took the kids and ran to my house.... I thought that that was the reason I was scared of guys... Then When I was 19 I was laying with my then boyfriend would be husband and ex-husband who was the first person I was voluntarily with.... We had just had sex and I phreeaked and started screaming for my clothes... Everything that had ever happened to me for a little over a year from 6 to 7 came back to! me... The "guy next door" did things to me that to this day I wish I had never remembered...

I tried to kill myself several times after I remembered that, then my sister (one of the only good things she ever did) came up to me with this album, KoRn self titled... It had a menacing shadow of a man looking over an innocent little girl on a swing... I was like what is this shit... She said just to listen to it... So I did... I cried through the entire album and shook with anger through Daddy... I firmly believe that Jon and KoRn saved my life.. After I heard that I knew that I was not alone... It was like I lived through him, he/they put their anger on CD for everyone and I knew I was not nasty or dirty for what had happened to me.

I have tried to get my emotions under control since then and all, but after I found out that this guy had lied to me and that Jon had not got my letter I did try to kill myself again... Apparently it didn't take for some reason... I am just so tired of feeling like a failure, and to have someone lie to me and me fall for it... I just couldn't take it... I just want for Jon to know that I thank him... I am 25 going on 26 now and I know I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for him...