Drowning in the Deep End

by H.

Pairing: DiexKaoru, KyoxToshiya, ShinyaxYoshiki
Rated: NC-17
Genre: Drama, mildly angsty

 – Part I


For once since the band's existence, Kaoru was actually the last
one 
to arrive at practice on that unusually warm fall morning. It
wasn't 
surprising though, he'd had a rough night – an extremely
rough night 
to be quite exact, but then again, anyone who downs two bottles of 
Chianti in as many hours is bound to feel the detrimental after 
effects the following morning. 

In Kaoru's tortured mind it was a necessity though, plain and 
simple. He needed to lose himself in the warm and strangely pseudo-
sensual feeling that alcohol provided – to be weak, to let the
armor 
and mask of the "leader" he wore so often to crack and fall, 
disintegrating as his true fragile self was revealed. In those few, 
precious, semi conscience moments he didn't have to be strong, he 
didn't have to have all the answers, to be the shoulder that the 
other members cried on, to be the backbone of the band. In those 
rare moments, he could sob torrents into the bed pillow he clutched 
longingly to his chest in a vain effort to desperately forget
someone…
someone he loved so deeply and genuinely he could barely stand to get 
up in the morning and face the man, fearing that it was simply 
implausible that he could ever, would ever love him back, in that 
same way. He knew this man loved another. So he had to escape the 
hallow excuse for a person he was; the weak, pathetic, desolate 
person he'd become since he met Him. 

These melancholy thoughts swirled in his mind while he continued 
mentally berating himself as he pulled into the driveway of the 
studio. After parking his car, he moved in a monotonously slow gait, 
through the glass doors, up the stairs. Seeing that his sallow 
footfalls had finally brought him to the door of the studio, he took 
one last gut wrenching breath before opening the door to their small 
practice space. 

Upon entering the studio, he noticed that nothing was particularly 
out of place this morning, `well'…he sighed inwardly,
`besides my 
late arrival'. At first, none of the other members even
registered 
his arrival. Die was leaning lazily on the high hat of Shinya's
drum 
set, interrogating the young bishonen as to how an extremely 
obvious "red mark" came to find its way to his slender neck. 
Kyo was 
sound asleep on the small vinyl couch in the corner with a doting 
Toshiya lightly stroking his blonde bangs out of his face. After 
closing the entryway door, four sets of eyes (well, three sets of 
eyes and one set of eye lids pushed aside by an intrigued Totchi to 
be more precise) glared at him in a curious yet apprehensive 
wonderment.

"Jeeezzzuss Kaoru, you look like shit!" The blue haired one 
announced while trying gently to shake his snoozing koi into 
consciousness. 

"Yeah man, what happened to you?" His fellow guitarist
chimed in as 
he began to bridge the gap between them. He strode up to Kaoru 
quickly, gently bringing his hand up to cup the older man's chin, 
examining his features carefully. Die noticed the dark and slightly 
protruding flesh under their leader's eyes with grave concern;
his 
cheeks seemed more sunken in then usual with slight, shimmering tear 
tracks intertwining and then parting iridescently over the smooth 
skin. And to be quite frank, he reeked of stale alcohol and 
tobacco. Die continued to stare worryingly into Kaoru's deep 
chestnut eyes. "Ne? Kaoru-kun…Are you ok?" He ventured
sheepishly, 
his voice a slight and nervous whisper as he awkwardly removed his 
hand from the well-chiseled chin. 

Kaoru gasped as Die grabbed his chin and brought his own face within 
scant inches of the other's. He felt the strong, calloused
fingers 
brush lightly against his skin as an erotic chill sent shock waves 
down his spine; he felt the red head's hot breath pulsate off his 
cracked lips. Looking deeply into Die's eyes he vaguely heard
the 
question. `Look how worried you've made him! You're
such a bastard, 
Kaoru!' The pink haired man attempted to turn his head away from
the 
scrutinizing gaze. `He's just being nice…he doesn't
want you. You 
are pathetic!' He felt the all too familiar tears begin to well
up 
in his eyes, as his tortured mind traveled back to his entrance into 
the small room. 

****


"Oh, Shin-chan!" Die purred, setting himself down on the
younger 
man's drums and smirking evilly, "What IS that mark on your
pretty 
neck? A mark from…..a lover perhaps?" The red head threw
his head 
back and laughed lightly at seeing the look of utter horror and 
embarrassment on the bishonen's face.

"Go away, Die no baka! That's none of your business!" 
Shinya pouted 
and glared daggers at Die. To be honest, the pretty one thought
he'd 
put enough make up on to cover the obvious `blemish', but he
should 
have known Die's keen eyes would see through such a rouse. 
Momentarily he panicked, before respponding "You just wish it
was 
you!" The smaller man huffed, crossing his slender arms in
annoyance.

"Hmmm…so secretive Shin-chan." Die winked at the poor
drummer, 
intent on making him as unbearably agitated as possible, "Perhaps
it 
was me, ne? Perhaps you let me into your appetto last night and
I…"

"SHUT UP DIE!!!!!!" Shinya screamed, blushing fiercely at
his own 
outburst.
****


Kaoru's vicious thoughts turned tumultuously in his head as he 
replayed the overheard conversation, letting his helplessness, self-
loathing and despair bubble to the surface. `All that fuss Die
over 
stupid, fucking me, when your precious Shinya is sitting right over 
there. Yeah, Die…like you really give a shit about me. Go back
over 
there and `pretend' you don't know who gave him that
hicky last 
night. Pretend you didn't pound your lover into the god damn
floor 
boards!' Kaoru's venomous thoughts began to reassert control
on his 
mind. After Die's concerned query finally registered, Kaoru 
instantaneously felt his walls of protection returning. Hard, 
strong, passionate, devoted…to the band…only to the
band…his eyes 
narrowed in anger as the other guitarist's hand fell away from
his 
face. "Hai. I'm fine. I apologize for keeping everyone
waiting." 
He stated stoically as he crouched down and opened his guitar 
case, "Shall we start then?"

Die retreated across the room, casting concerned side-glances at the 
pink haired man. His thoughts of the previous weeks…hell
months…
fine, who was he kidding… years began to flood his mind. 
`Kaoru…what 
are you doing to yourself? If only…you'd let me in, let me
take care 
of you. If only you'd cut this damn `leader' stuff all
the time and 
really open up. If only...you'd let me in…I'd protect
you…I'd…' Die 
let a small sigh escape his lips as he hoisted his guitar strap over 
his shoulder `…I'd… love you'. Casting a final
pitiful look in the 
direction of his fellow guitarist, he turned his attention to the 
other occupants of the room. Shinya was sitting poised and proper, 
his face steeled into a mask of total concentration, fingers tightly 
gripping the drumsticks. Toshiya was still shaking Kyo, but now with 
greater force, but the sleepy vocalist continued to wallow in 
dreamland.

"Damnit…" Toshiya kneeled over next to the blonde's ear,
"WAKE UP 
KYO!!!!!!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, causing the
other 
members to hurriedly cover their ears with their palms. The vocalist 
merely grunted and turned over, facing the rest of the band, eyes 
still pad locked shut. The bassist let out an audible moan of 
frustration as he crouched over his lover, bringing his mouth to 
Kyo's parted lips. He leaned in and kissed the sleeping man
gently 
but deeply. Kyo's eyes fluttered open slowly and a wicked grin 
wrested control of his features as his one hand grabbed onto the back 
of the bassist's neck deepening the kiss, their tongues dancing
and 
tasting each others while the other traveled downward to grab the 
bassist's ample…

"WHA!!!!!! KYO!!!!!! WAKE UP DAMNIT…WE'RE NOT AT
HOME!!!!!" Toshiya 
squawked, slapping the shorter man's hand away from his nether 
regions. The blonde leapt up off the couch upon hearing his
lover's 
embarrassed cries as his eyes blinked the sleep away and he started 
to gradually come back into reality, gripping tightly onto the wall 
behind him for support.

As the pair noticed three other sets of eyes upon them, both Toshiya 
and Kyo turned the most brilliant shade of crimson the other members 
had ever seen. Shinya rolled his eyes and pouted, while Die fell on 
the floor, grasping his sides and laughing uncontrollably as tears 
began to fall from his beautiful eyes. (Ooh….Die-sama's
eyes!!! *H. 
passes out*) 

Unfortunately, this caused Die to completely miss the lonely and 
forlorn look that was cast his way by another certain guitarist, a 
certain pink haired guitarist that Die happened to be helplessly and 
hopelessly devoted to. 

Kaoru's taxed mind began to wander again `What would it be
like, Die…
to kiss you…to hold you like that…' He found his weary eyes
tracing 
the outline of the red head's slender form in his peripheral
vision 
as the other continued to writhe on the floor, trying to regain some 
sense of normality from his band mates' predicament. 
`Damnit…' 
Kaoru berated himself again, `Die doesn't want you…GET
OVER IT!! 
CONCENTRATE!!' The pink haired man adjusted his guitar and
surveyed 
the room. Shinya was still pouting, Die had finally managed to pull 
himself together and stand up, and Toshiya and Kyo were rather 
awkwardly trying to get around each other and to their appointed 
spots.

Kaoru coughed slightly, avoiding the embarrassed looks from his 
fellow band mates. "Let's get started. `Jealous'
from the top." He 
stated plainly as the other members arranged themselves behind their 
respective instruments and microphone. He gave one last glance at 
his fellow guitarist before losing himself in the only other thing 
that could help him forget…forget Die…forget how much he
loved the 
other guitarist…forget that Die was utterly in love with and
devoted 
to Shinya. 

He had to forget…in their music.

to be continued

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