Drowning in the Deep End

by H.

This is dedicated to Mazo for getting me in an angsty mood again with
her wonderful story *huggles and pocky* and to all those who helped
me figure out fanfiction's website. You rock!!


Part V

"Die!" The petite vocalist called after the rapidly
retreating red
headed figure. "Die! Wait up a sec!"

Die kept on walking, taking large strides that would ensure the
shorter man would have to practically run to keep up with him. He
attempted to use his sleeve to wipe the tears that were falling
freely from his chestnut eyes. He didn't want to talk to Kyo.
He
didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to be alone in his
pain.
Suddenly he felt a tug at his shoulder, and he whipped around only to
come face to face with an out of breath vocalist.

"Kyo, I know you're trying to help, but I really just need to
be left
alone right now." The red head attempted to dislodge himself
from
the other's strong grip.

"But…" pant "Die…" cough, pant, "Jesus you walk
too fast you fucking
prick!" The blonde managed to laugh while still attempting to
catch
his breath.

The guitarist couldn't help but snicker. "Heh…You're
just too short
to keep up!" A small fist flew in the general direction of his
stomach, which the taller man easily sidestepped.

"Say what you want asshole." Kyo muttered after finally
managing to
still his breathing. His expression became more solemn, and he
looked at the guitarist with sincere eyes, "Look Die, I
understand if
you don't want to talk about it. But I'm here if and when
you do
want to talk, ok?"

The red head tilted his head back and bit his bottom lip as his tears
began to fall again. "Thanks, Kyo. I really do appreciate
it." Die
stared down at the shorter man, bringing his hand to rest gently on
the vocalist's shoulder. "I just need some time to myself,
to sort
things out. You know how it is."

Giving the hand on his shoulder a tight squeeze, the blonde man gave
an assuring nod. "I understand. I'll see you tomorrow
then."

"Yeah, tomorrow." Die muttered as he turned his back on the
vocalist, and began walking again. He didn't know where he was
walking to and he didn't care. His car was back at the studio,
but
that was the least of his concerns. Right now, he needed to walk, to
keep on walking…hell…he needed to run. He needed to get as
far away
from the anguish as he could, to drive the hurt deep into the
pavement with the force of every maddening step.

He was sprinting, crying, bumping into innocent passersbys, losing
his balance, falling, righting himself again, and running.
Faster…
harder…he didn't care about the strangers' awkward
stares, the curses
that trailed after him, the cars that screeched to a halt as he ran
by, seemingly unaware of their presence. He needed to go some place
safe, to feel loved, to be comforted, but he couldn't. Kaoru was
his
safety net, and Kaoru was protecting Shinya.

____


The young bishonen snuggled closer into the warmth provided by the
older drummer's embrace. His auburn locks fell over the cream
fabric
of Yoshiki's flowing shirt as he nuzzled into the crook of his
neck,
inhaling the distinctly masculine smell that embodied his lover.
Shinya squeezed his eyes shut, trying to dispel the forlorn thoughts
that were tormenting him. `Die, I'm so sorry. I didn't
know you
loved Yoshiki. I had no idea. I never meant to hurt you.' A
few
dewdrops of moisture rolled down his cheek and into the fabric of his
lover's shirt. Moments later Shinya felt a gentle hand brushing
his
hazel tresses from his face, followed by a callused palm slowly
pulling his chin upwards.

A lilting voice spoke softly, "Shinya, what's wrong? Why are
you
crying?" The elder man searched deeply into his lover's
melancholy
eyes while wiping the traces of tears away with his thumbs.

The young drummer bit his lip and looked away. "It's nothing
really. I'm sorry for worrying you." He managed to whisper
through
sobs.

Yoshiki smiled and kissed Shinya gently on the forehead, "I know
there's something wrong, love. Please, tell me. Let me help you
if
I can." He leaned in closer and placed another gentle kiss on
the
young man's pouty lips.

The young bishonen sighed while straightening himself into a seated
position. Wiping the remainder of his tears away with a tissue he
began, "Well, I was late for practice today. When I got there
they
asked me where Kaoru was, and I said I didn't know. Then Die got
upset at something and stormed out of the room. Kyo went after
him…
then…" Shinya's body became wracked with uncontrollable
sobs.

"Shh…Shhh…" The older man whispered as he enveloped the
young
bishonen in his arms. "I'm sorry you were late. I should
have woken
you before I left. Please, Shin-chan, continue with your story."

"Well, Toshiya walked up to me after Kyo and Die left and
he…he…
slapped me." The young man brought his trembling hand up to
caress
his abused cheek. The recanting of the day's events seemed to
bring
back every sensory detail, including the cruel sting as flesh met
flesh.

Yoshiki was flabbergasted, "Why on earth did Toshiya slap
you?" He
cried as he intertwined his fingers with Shinya's and began
caressing
his cheek.

The young drummer struggled for coherent speech through his coughing
and sobs, "Because…because…the band, they know about
us…and he said
that I was flaunting our relationship…and he said…it was
hurting
someone deeply."

The older drummer took both of Shinya's small hands into his
own, "What did he mean?"

"He meant that I was hurting someone…someone who…who is
also in love
with you." Having managed to vocalize his anguish, the young man
threw himself into his lover's arms.

Gently stroking Shinya's back, Yoshiki continued, "Who else
is in
love with me? Shinya, you know my heart belongs to you. I'll
help
straighten this out, but I need to know who this is. Who is in love
with me, Shin-chan."

Choking back sobs the young man managed to speak, "It's
Die."

Just then the phone rang.

_____

Toshiya gingerly sipped his tea, the action allowing plumes of steam
to dance in intricate patterns underneath the low light of the
kitchen. He glanced across the table to see his lover absentmindedly
scooping teaspoon after teaspoon of sugar into his own cup.

Kyo was staring blankly at the Formica tabletop.

"I can't believe you slapped him." The blonde said
suddenly but
flatly, as if he was commenting on the weather or the score of a
baseball game…detached, emotionless, but the phrase shattered the
edgy silence that had enveloped the two for the better part of an
hour.

The blue haired bassist looked up in surprise. "Well…he had
it
coming. It's plain as the light of day to see that his
relationship
with Kaoru is tearing Die apart."

The blonde man fumbled in his shirt pocket for a minute before
producing a rather sad and crumpled looking pack of cigarettes. He
placed two of them between his lips and struck a match. He passed
one lit smoke to Toshiya.

The bassist took it gratefully. "Do you think Die will be
alright?"
He asked nervously, his mounting uncertainty evident in his wavering
voice.

Taking a long drag off the cigarette, Kyo exhaled concentric circles,
punctuating each one with a neat dot. After watching his circles
fade into the heavy air he turned his gaze back to the bassist.
"I'm
not sure." He stated before returning his efforts to making hazy
rings.

_____

Numbed.

Clinically dead he believed was the term to use. Of course his body
reminded him otherwise as every slight twist or adjustment of angle
sent scorching spears to his central nervous system, but all sense of
reason and rational, the very essences that deem one as human, that
elevate man above beast were gone, leaving a cold, sterile void where
his soul once was.

Opening his eyes, he allowed them to adjust to the blackness of the
room. Black, empty, even the streetlight outside the window had gone
out leaving him in complete darkness.

He was cold, so cold.

Kaoru managed to turn his protesting body onto his stomach, allowing
the bloodied sheets to pile underneath him.

The clock on the nightstand read 8:37 p.m.

He forced himself to his feet, and walked with an almost mechanical
gait into the small bathroom. Leaning over the sink, he turned the
brass knobs of the faucet, letting the warm liquid pool into the
porcelain bottom before he cupped his hands and brought the water to
his face. The third time he did this he managed to glimpse his
reflection in the mirror.

He did not recognize the figure staring back at him. It was like a
childhood game of Bloody Mary gone wrong – the demon appeared,
the
demon scratched him. The demon clawed him. The demon infiltrated him
and destroyed him, slashing and cutting until he was no more than
tattered fabric - ragged, discarded, forgotten. But unlike school
hood games, this was reality. If he ran out of the room screaming in
terror there would be no companions to giggle at his gullibility; no
friends to reassure him it was all a trick of his imagination. There
would be no one.

He twisted the knobs again, watching the stream of water dissipate
into nothingness. Rivulets of water flowed down his angular features
while damp tendrils of burgundy clung to his cheeks and chin. He
wandered into the kitchen and picked up his mobile phone.

____

It had started raining heavily, but Die barely noticed although he
was soaked to the bone and unconsciously shivering. He'd run so
far,
he was not even sure where exactly he was at the moment, but he knew
it seemed very familiar. Slowing down to a sullen walk, he continued
through the concrete maze. As he turned the corner he saw a familiar
coffee shop situated between a tailor shop and a newsstand. He knew
this area. He knew this street. He walked up the road a bit farther
and spotted a building across the street – Kaoru's apartment.

"Fuck!" He screamed in utter frustration. "The one god
damned
person I'm trying to avoid, and there you are." He began a
sickening
laugh as he continued towards the building. "Fuck it Kaoru.
You're
going to know how I fucking feel!" He shouted to the rain slicked
brick of the building. "I'm in love with you, you fucking
bastard!"
Die managed to take in a calming breath before whispering,
"Damnit
Kaoru, I love you."

Die opened the door to the complex and began to ascend the stairs.

_____

Shinya looked nervously around the room as Yoshiki arose to answer
the phone. Pulling his knees to his chin, he rocked himself slowly
as the older drummer picked up the receiver.

"Yes."

"Yes. This is he."

"Oh, how have you been."

The older drummer furrowed his brow and cast a worried glance at his
lover.

"I see. Yes, I'll let them know and if there is anything I
can do…"

His voice trailed off as the line went dead. Carefully, Yoshiki
replaced the receiver in the cradle and returned to Shinya's side.

The young bishonen could not even look at his lover, rather he
continued rocking, waiting for the older man to offer up any
information.

Yoshiki cleared his throat, "That was Kaoru."

Shinya bolted upright, unsteady eyes trying to focus on his
lover's
face.

"He says he's feeling ill. There will be no more practice
until
further notice." The older drummer again drew the trembling
young
man into an embrace. "You'll have to call the others and let
them
know."

The drummer's mind was in a chaotic state. `What is going
on? First
Die and Yoshiki, the Toshiya's slap, now Kaoru's illness.
What is
going on…what can I do…' The young man stood up and walked
to the
small glass table. Picking up the phone he dialed a number.

"Hello, Kyo? It's Shinya"

~End part V~

to be continued

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