Close To You
-Hikaru-
Part 10
**
" I don’t think your brother’s very happy to see me with you." Toshiya observed.
" He’ll be fine." Hisashi traced kisses along Toshiya’s neck but was pushed gently away. He gave the taller man a hurt look. " Is something wrong?"
" You don’t think it’s a bit… well, fast for me to move in with you?" Toshiya looked as if though he was afraid to voice his opinion. " I mean, I don’t mind but are *you* alright with the idea?"
" Totchi, would I do anything that I wouldn’t want?" Hisashi kept his arms around the slim waist, looking up into his lover’s eyes. " It’s been years since I last saw you and now that you’re here again, I don’t want you out of my sight."
The blue head chuckled lightly, placing a kiss on top of Hisashi’s forehead.
" You love me so much, eh?"
Hisashi smiled but then became quiet. He gave a long sigh before resting his head against Toshiya’s chest, listening to the even heartbeat of his lover’s. Toshiya held Hisashi in silence, waiting for some sort of a response or some words but none came and he drew them apart again, observing the smaller man with careful eyes.
" Tono-chan, what’s wrong?"
Hisashi kept his eyes on the ground, still quiet. Toshiya gave his shoulder a gentle shake.
" Tono-chan, please, tell me what’s wrong?" Toshiya pleaded, trying not to sound too curious.
When Hisashi raised his eyes to meet his, Toshiya didn’t know whether he wanted to know the reason or not. There was obvious pain in the brown depths and he didn’t know whether he could take the explanation behind the hurt.
" Totchi… I’ve been wondering about this for the longest time…," Hisashi took a deep breath, " Do you love me?"
Toshiya gave a gasp then pulled Hisashi back into his arms.
" Of course I do! What makes you think otherwise?"
Hisashi clutched onto Toshiya’s shirt, whispering with a choked voice,
" Then how could you have left me?"
Toshiya clutched onto Hisashi, feeling his heart drop to his stomach. He buried his face in Hisashi’s shoulder, unable to speak for a moment.
He’d been trying to avoid the subject forever… that was the reason he hadn’t tried to find Hisashi in the first place. What had happened back in Hakodate… What had happened before he left Teru.. all those memories had been haunting him, taunting that he would never be worth being loved in return.
Could he really tell Hisashi what had happened?
" Totchi?" Came Hisashi’s small voice, muffled by his shirt. " Why aren’t you answering me?"
He couldn’t let Hisashi think that he didn’t love him. He did and he always had.. even when he was with Teru he still remembered the man with the same blue hair as he. Toshiya’s hug tightened, making his lover gasp in surprise.
" You won’t like it.." Totchi managed to say.
" What won’t I like?"
" Why I left you… I don’t want you to be disgusted with me—"
" I could never be disgusted with you!" Hisashi protested.
" No! Listen, you could be.. if you knew what had happened." Toshiya gave a sigh. " But I don’t want you to doubt that I love you… even when it sounds like I don’t. I do, Hisashi.. anata wa aishiteru.."
Hisashi tilted his head back so that Toshiya was facing him; he saw the tears that were gathering in the model’s eyes and gave a sigh.
" Totchi, tell me.. please."
~~
Teru burst into the apartment, surprised when he saw that his older brother was seated calmly on their living room sofa.
" How did you get here so soon?" Teru demanded.
" While you were fighting with your girlfriend, I came here. Jiro wanted to talk with his brother." Sugizo shrugged, flipping through the magazine in his hand. " I’m bored.. it’s about time you’ve arrived, I’ve got someone to talk to."
At the word ‘talk’, Sugizo’s eyes lit mischieviously as he gave a glance at his brother. Teru knew the look all too well.
" I don’t think so!" Teru waved a hand in front of him. " I’m probably broken up with Ami and I don’t want to tell any of the details to you—"
" You’re breaking up with her?" Sugizo leaned forward, looking interested. " So soon? I thought you would last longer… why, she couldn’t handle the fact that you go for both the women and the men?"
" Urusai!" Teru snapped, heading off towards his room.
" Why are you so mad at me? I’m your brother, I’m here to help you." Sugizo grinned.
Teru stopped in his tracks, clutching his fingers into fists before turning on his heels, heading towards where his brother was sitting. He glared down at the smirk that the pink-head wore, wanting so badly to just slap the smug look off of his brother’s face.
" You’ve been great help eversince you came here!" Teru yelled out. " First you intrude on my peace, then you go and intrude in Jiro’s life, then you want to intrude in my lovelife—"
" How have I intruded into Jiro’s life?" Sugizo raised an eyebrow. " From what I know, which is a lot more than you do, Jiro was the one who willingly let me into his life. If I’m not mistaken, *you* were the one intruding in his."
Teru pointed a finger at Sugizo, his hands trembling with fury.
" Y-you…"
" Well it’s true, isn’t it?" Sugizo turned back to his magazine. " Want to know what I think? I think you know that Jiro could’ve been the best thing to ever happen to you but you pushed him away because you thought you still loved that Toshiya person. Well, now you know that that Toshiya person never loved you but loved Jiro’s brother! And you’ve neglected your girlfriend because of that and I think it was awfully smart of her to leave you."
Teru felt his whole body shake, this time a wave of emotions flooding him. Sugizo gulped down the beer he had by his side before turning to look at his brother.
" Isn’t it funny? How small the world we live in is? You slept with Jiro who’s with me, who’s your brother, and Jiro’s brother is Toshiya’s lover who used to be your lover…," Sugizo chuckled, " It’s all very.. amusing."
" Of course everything is amusing to you! You’re only in the good side of it!" Teru yelled, unable to hold down his frustration anymore. " No one’s left you, you’ve got the most wonderful boyfriend and your life isn’t a fucking mess—"
KNOCK!KNOCK!
" GO AWAY!" Teru shouted at the door.
Sugizo made a ‘tsk-tsk’ sound,
" That’s no way to treat guests, dear brother."
" I’ll treat *my* guests any way I want to.. this is *my* home!" Teru snapped.
" Sugizo? Am I bothering you?" A voice from outside the door called, drawing both men’s attention. " It’s Jiro."
Sugizo immediately rushed from the couch towards the door, tripping in his process to be quick, almost landing smack into the wooden surface of the door. Teru shook his head at his brother’s antics, watching as the pink head managed to twist the doorknob open.
And there was Jiro, smiling rather sheepishly and looking embarassed, holding a suitcase.
" Jiro?" Sugizo sounded out-of-breath. " What’s wrong? What’s with the suitcase?"
" Um.. this is kind of embarassing.. ‘nii-chan kicked me out of the house..," Jiro’s smile turned even more sheepish as his cheeks pinkened, " Toshiya’s moving in with him."
Teru looked up at the mention of his ex-lover’s name, only to narrow his eyes in anger. Jiro didn’t notice the jealousy brewing inside of Teru, concentrating only on an interesting spot on the floor. His hands seemed to be restless, not knowing where to rest itself on the suitcase.
" I’m sorry for you." Sugizo managed to say; he had an idea of what would be coming out of Jiro’s mouth next. He gulped, he needed to sound calm. " Is there anything I can do for you?"
The blush on Jiro’s cheeks deepened.
" If it’s not too much of a bother.. can I stay with you, for the while? I don’t know where else to go.. Shinya’s phone can’t be reached.. my friends are all out and.."
" Sure!" Sugizo grabbed hold of Jiro’s wrist, pulling the blond inside with one swift move. " You can stay in the spare bedroom Teru doesn’t use!"
Jiro looked up at Teru’s name, noticing that the said man was there, glaring at the both of them. He gulped nervously, glancing back between the two brothers. He could sense hostility in the room, even though it wasn’t directed at him.
" Maybe I shouldn’t be here…,"
Jiro took a step back but the hand holding onto him was firm.
" No! You’re at the right place! I’d be offended if you hadn’t come to me!" Sugizo placed an arm around Jiro, turning to face his brother. " Ne Teru, you don’t mind if Jiro stays with us, right? I’m sure you know that he’s not a bother to have around."
Jiro wanted to cringe but stopped himself, trying to relax in Sugizo’s arms. He braved himself to take a glance at Teru and was relieved when he noticed that there was no more anger in the man’s eyes.
" He can stay if he wants." Teru turned towards his bedroom. " As long as he doesn’t bother me."
" Don’t worry, he won’t!" Sugizo called after him, wincing noticably when Teru’s door slammed shut. He gave an apologetic look at Jiro, " Sorry, sibling’s quarrel."
The blond pointed at himself, asking the question in his mind without words. Sugizo shook his head, planting a kiss on Jiro’s nose before taking the suitcase in his hands, leading his lover into the spare bedroom. The door was kicked open, revealing a small but slightly spacious room that looked welcoming to the eye.
" Don’t worry Jiro," Sugizo hugged the man closer to his body, " Just stay here and don’t worry about a thing. If we want to fight about you, I promise we’ll do it when you’re not around. That way you won’t have to see ugliness in this place."
" No, it’s not that but.."
" Teru’s fine, I’m sure he doesn’t mind at all you staying here for awhile." Sugizo’s grinned widened as he closed the door behind them, leaning into the blond, " I don’t mind if you stay here for a much more longer period of time either…"
Before Jiro could say another word, Sugizo had captured the blond’s lips, leaving him speechless for awhile.
~~
" Oh no…" Shinya moaned, looking at his mobile phone.
" What’s wrong?" Die looked over the auburn-haired’s shoulder, trying to peer at the words he was reading. " Something happened?"
Shinya shook his mane of curls, biting his lip.
" It’s nothing serious.. Jiro’s been trying to contact me for the last few hours and he’s been leaving messages…"
Die caught some of the words that Shinya was reading before Shinya’s hand clicked on a button, changing it into another message which read:
‘ Nevermind, I’ve got myself a place to stay.. Sugizo’s taken me in!’
Die’s eyes widened at the last message.
" He’s moving in with Teru’s brother? But they’re living together!"
Shinya nodded, looking miserable.
" One big happy family, eh?"
Die opened his mouth to say something when a hand slammed down on their table; a very familiar looking hand that belonged to a very familiar looking face. Die felt himself become tongue-tied when Yumi smiled down at him, looking as playful as can be, though there was obvious envy in her eyes.
" Hello Die-kun." She turned to the auburn-head, smiling through clenched teeth. " Shinya, so nice to meet you again."
" Yumi." Shinya nodded, acknowledging her before turning back to his mobile phone.
‘ Save me Shinya!’ Die pleaded silently but smiled up at Yumi, who had turned her attention back towards him.
" You’re having lunch together?" Yumi asked the question to the obvious answer.
" Yeah." Die hoped that Yumi wouldn’t ask what he dreaded to hear.
" Mind if I join you?" Yumi had a look in her eyes that dared him to refuse.
Die glanced quickly at Shinya and noticed that the man wasn’t even paying attention to their conversation. He wanted so badly to just hug him to death while shouting to Yumi ‘ He’s mine, I’m his, I’m sorry but I don’t return your feelings!’ but couldn’t find it in himself to do so.
" No, of course not!" Die replied in his usual cheery tone. " Why should I mind? Please, sit down.. Shinya, you don’t mind, right?"
Shinya looked up briefly, noticing that the blond girl was taking a seat next to him then turned to Die,
" No."
He then concentrated on his mobile again.
Die let out a sigh, turning to face Yumi who was looking at him with an awaiting look.
" So, what brings you here?"
" I was just walking around…," Yumi shrugged, " Had nothing better to do and then I saw you and thought… ‘oh look! I should say hi to them!’ so here I am!"
" Yes, yes.. here you are..," Die chuckled, rather nervously.
" Die," Shinya looked up to the red head, his eyes worried, " Could you tell me where Teru lives? I want to go see Jiro."
" Jiro’s fine, Shinya." Die laughed.
‘ Don’t leave me!’ Die tried to send his telepathic message to his lover.
Of course, he was never good at sending telepathic messages and Shinya wasn’t one to receive them. The auburn head just gave a sigh, looking even more worried.
" He wanted to move in with me but since I had turned off my phone he couldn’t reach me and went to live with Sugizo!" Shinya looked restless. " If anything were to happen to him it would be my fault! He’s living under the same roof as Sugizo *and* Teru! That’s something to really worry about!"
Die knew that there was no stopping him. Regretfully, he took out a pen and wrote down Teru’s address on a napkin, sliding it over to Shinya.
" Here, go see Jiro and leave me alone." Die pouted, really not wanting Shinya to leave him alone.
Shinya gave a guilty look and leaned over to give the tall man a peck on the cheek. Yumi felt herself wanting to strangle the bishounen but held herself. Die, on the other hand, looked quite pleased.
" Does this mean I can meet with you soon?" Die asked, looking hopeful, staring up at Shinya, who ready to leave.
" You know my place. You have my key." Shinya turned bashful, lowering his eyes before waving to Yumi, " I’m sorry I have to leave you so soon."
" Don’t be." Yumi shook her head, smiling.
" Ja ne."
With that, Die was left alone to confront Yumi. A silence hung over them for quite some time, only broken when a waiter came to take Yumi’s orders. Die turned the glass of plain water in his hands, wondering how he should speak his mind.
" So.. Yumi," Die started, chuckling nervously.
" So.. Die-kun."
~~
" Sugizo had a right to be mad with me," Toshiya started, " I left his brother to pursue my dream to become a model. I was selfish."
He braved himself to raise his eyes to meet Hisashi’s.
" I was selfish to you too."
They were seated on the living room sofa, Toshiya fiddling with his hands, Hisashi by his side, watching him intently. There was soft music in the room, unnoticed by the two. There was only the story waiting to be told by Toshiya, wanting to be heard by Hisashi.
" You were with that man..," Hisashi managed to speak, drawing Toshiya’s attention. " I saw you on magazine covers with him.. the way you let him hold you, it couldn’t have just been a business relationship."
Toshiya bit his quivering lip, trying not to burst into tears.
" Kaoru-kun?"
Hisashi nodded.
" Your manager."
Toshiya let out a long sigh, stretching his arms out in front of him in stress. He turned away from Hisashi, feeling too guilty to want to meet the man eye to eye.
" I met him a few days after you told me you loved me." Toshiya’s eyes rested on the painting at a far corner of the room. " He said he could make me famous. I believed him. Only.. there were a few things that was involved in our arrangement."
Hisashi felt his heart drop.
Toshiya lowered his head, his eyes meeting the floor now.
" I didn’t mean to sleep with him that first time.. It was sort of an accident. I couldn’t face you after what happened, I knew I’d betrayed you badly. I had to get away."
" What happened..," Hisashi spoke up, " Was it truly for business?"
The model shut his eyes tightly, remembering the face of Kaoru again. He whole-heartedly didn’t want to answer the question.
" That first time.. no. There was no deal yet." Toshiya let out a shaky breath of air. " We were having dinner, discussing my career, and then he escorted me home and… it just happened. I don’t know how else to explain it."
A tear slid down the beautiful face.
" Like I said, I couldn’t face you… I’d just told you I loved you and then.. *that*, I had to leave Hakodate. I know running away doesn’t help anything but..I didn’t know it then and I thought that if I left you.. left Kaoru, I’d be able to make a fresh start." Toshiya sniffed. " Of course, I was wrong.
" I met Die-kun when I came here, he helped me around a lot and we became quick friends. And then he introduced me to Teru and I thought, maybe I could forget you then. He made me feel loved again and I know how much he loves me, I’ve said I loved him in return so many times but.. I’ve always felt like I was cheating myself.. and you when saying so."
Toshiya bowed his head even more.
" I loved you so much yet I couldn’t even walk away from my mistake… I couldn’t even *try* not to make the same mistake again.
" As you know, I met Kaoru-kun again here. He was still interested in making a deal with me and I wanted to become a model so badly.. there wasn’t much opportunity elsewhere! I was working as a waiter at a café and I felt as if thought I was so incomplished, I agreed to all his deals. I went to France with him, broke up with Teru when doing so, and continued where I left off in Hakodate." A restraint sob broke through, making Toshiya’s shoulders shake.
" It took all will power in me not to just kill myself everytime he touched me." Toshiya whispered then forced himself to look up to Hisashi, " You must want me dead now. You must wish that I had killed myself over and over again…"
Hisashi was quiet, looking into Toshiya’s eyes with a blank expression. The long forelocks covered half his face for awhile before he shook his head, letting his hair sweep back. His hand was clutching the sofa’s material, shuddering when touched by Toshiya’s own.
His lover drew back his hand, a hurt but understanding look on his face.
" Wakarimasu. I’ll go now.. you should call your brother back." Toshiya tried to smile. " I’m sure he’ll be happy to know I won’t be staying with you."
Toshiya stood up, about to walk out of the door when Hisashi’s voice stopped him.
" You said you loved Teru?"
He turned around, looking into Hisashi’s eyes that were now filled with the same hurt he wore.
" I said it here," Toshiya raised his hand to touch his lips, " I’ve never said it here." The hand dropped to rest itself on his chest, above his heart. " ‘Aishiteru’… for my heart, it’s always been for you."
Hisashi looked away, making Toshiya drop his hand to his side in disappointment.
‘ But what did you expect?’ Toshiya scolded himself.
" I’m not trying to make you forgive me just because I love you." Toshiya continued, his voice pleading. " I just want to say that on that day, back in Hakodate, when you first said that you loved me.. and when I said that I also loved you… I truly meant it. I always had. I always will."
Toshiya let out a chuckle.
" I’m turning into a sap, I should go before I kill the both of us with my insane sappiness. My insanity that has made me hurt you."
The model turned away, ready to leave again when he heard desperate footsteps then felt arms around his waist, holding him back.
" Don’t go, Totchi," Hisashi murmured against his back, " I don’t want you to leave me again."
Toshiya slowly unravelled the arms that held him, turning to look into Hisashi’s pained face.
" Don’t leave me..," Hisashi repeated earnestly.
Toshiya shook his head,
" But I’ve hurt you.."
" You can hurt me as much as you like Totchi, you know I’d still love you. I’d rather you be here hurting me, by my side then away. I want you near me so that I can feel your touch, be close to you..," Hisashi’s arm went around Toshiya again, looking up into the eyes staring back at him with need, " Aishiteru ne. Zutto, aishiteru."
Toshiya let out a sob, gathering the man into his arms as he let the tears he’d been holding back flow freely.
" Aishiteru, Tono-chan."
~~
" Shinya?" Jiro looked surprised at his visitor. " What’re you doing here?"
Shinya looked tired, since he’d been running from place to place trying to find the right apartment. He leaned against the doorway, looking as if though he would collapse in front of his best friend anytime.
" Can I come in first?"
Jiro stepped out of the way, holding onto Shinya when the man looked as if though he would fall. They sat themselves at the sofa and were about to begin talking when Sugizo looked out from his room.
" Who’re you?" Came the question.
" I’m sorry, you must be Jiro’s.. uh.." Shinya couldn’t bring himself to say the word.
" Lover?" Sugizo supplied easily.
" Well, yes. I’m Terachi Shinya, Jiro and I—"
" Are best friends, I know." Sugizo finished off for the man. " Jiro’s been telling me a lot about you…, though I doubt he’s been saying a lot about me to you."
Jiro had a guilty expression on his face.
" Ano.. Sugizo.."
Sugizo waved a hand in dismissal of the topic.
" If you guys need to talk, talk. Just don’t take him away from me!"
The last statement was directed to Shinya, who shifted in his seat, looking a bit uncomfortable. Jiro let out a sigh, watching as Sugizo went back into his room.
" So, Shinya, where were you?" Jiro looked worried himself. " I’ve been trying to reach you!"
" It’s a long story.. to make it short, I’ve been with Die." Shinya said.
" Die~~~," Jiro drawled, his lips twitching into a grin. " No wonder.. you’ve been busy.."
" It’s not like that!" Shinya protested. " And anyways, I’m here to talk about you! You don’t have to stay here you know, you’re always invited at my place.."
Jiro shook his head.
" I’m fine here, I wouldn’t want to bother you more than I already have. And since you’ve got Die, I’m sure you’ll be spending some time together in your apartment."
Shinya remembered that Die would be waiting for him when he returned and blushed a deep red, matching his hair perfectly. Jiro gave a laugh at his friend’s expression.
" You should see your face!" Jiro shook his head. " Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine."
" But—"
" You heard him, he said he’d be fine!" A voice called out from behind closed doors.
Both Jiro and Shinya turned in the direction of Sugizo’s room. Jiro rolled his eyes.
" Sugizo, don’t eavesdrop!"
" I’m not!" Came the reply.
Jiro shook his head again and gestured towards the room,
" See, he’s looking after me. I’m sure it’ll be just like living with ‘nii-san the way he’s so protective and all. As long as I keep out of Teru’s way, I’m sure I’ll be fine."
" But Teru and you..," Shinya still looked worried. " Are you sure you’re alright with this arrangement? It’s sudden and all.."
" Well, I make a lot of quick decisions, right?" Jiro nodded towards the door, " Him, for example. Teru, another. Going to Bali.."
" Let’s not talk about that." Shinya put in quickly.
" What I’m trying to say is, I’ll be fine." The blond smiled. " Don’t worry too much about me, I’m a big boy.. hey, I’m older than you! There’s no need to worry about me!"
" But—"
" Oh hell, just listen to him will you, Shinya?" Sugizo bursted from his room, grinning at Shinya. " Like he said, I’ll take care of him.. if he has any problems I’m sure he’ll go to you and then you can kill me."
" I’d prefer to kill you now." Shinya muttered beneath his breath.
" Excuse me?" Sugizo put on an innocent face, " I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you."
Shinya gestured helplessly towards the pink haired man,
" Are you really sure?"
Jiro laughed, leaning back against Sugizo when he was embraced from behind.
" Positive."
**
End of Part 10