Title: Dan ~And~
Pairing: HisashixTotchi
Comments: "Dan" means "and".. it's a beautiful Indonesian song sung
by one of my favorite bands Sheila on 7.. this song is really sweet
and sad. I should thank the group for giving back my muse!

^^ More comments on the translation at the bottom!
This is from Hisashi's POV but the flashbacks ( it'slike this:
=== ) are from a third person's POV. Oh, and it's setduring the
olden times.. no specific date necessary, just that it's during... old times. ^^;;;;;
Enjoy! C&c's are welcomed!

**

Dan...
Bila esok datang kembali
Seperti sedia kala dimana kau bisa bercanda

/And.
When tomorrow comes again
Just the way it should be, when you were once full of
life/

It was day again. The light had gone up, I could see it since the
curtains I had drawn were now a brighter shade of red than it was at
night. I sit on my favorite chair, looking at the crimson colour, now
flashing at me like blood and wonder what my life had come to.

Once upon a time, life was simple. Things were easy. I worked out
on the fields, the hot sun my only company, giving light and life to
the plants that were my source of finance and food. I lived alone,
away from the village that was always so full of gossip. I only made
an appearance to sell what my fields gave me and my appearance was
only short for the money that came to my hand was never much. I never
favored the people of the village and they never favored me.

Well, one favored me but he was not a part of the village.

I think he was merely passing by when he caught sight of me and intruded into
my life so quickly, I wonder if I had imagined it all. Because he
left just as quickly- I never even caught his name. But the paleness
of his skin and the silver strands of his hair gave me an indication
that he wasn't an average person.

He had given me the gift, or curse, of immortality.

A vampire is what people nowadays call me. Back then
there wasn't a name for a being such as myself. When I came to know
that I could no longer befriend the sun, the moon took it's place in
my life. The village was only graced with my prescence when all was
dark. And it was no longer because I needed to sell of vegetables
or fruits.. but because they were now my source of living. Of course,
now the village is no longer here but during my first few centuries,
generations lived on and I became. a sort of legend.

It was in that village that I first met him. Where I first truly
destroyed a mortal. A beautiful creature with the guise of a lady,
skin as fair as the moon's light, his eyes as expressive as his soul,
his smile a window to his emotions.

Hara Toshimasa was someone who was carefree and a fool for love. He
gave and gave and never expected anything in return.

My first intention on meeting him was to dine on his blood but as
soon as the boy opened his eyes, I was trapped in their gaze and I
lost all senses I had once had. He had looked up at me with question,
with puzzlement, wonder.. but none of them ever held fear. Or
repulse. It was something in him I could read so easily that drew me
to him and that night, where I had thought of taking this boy's life,
I had given him a part of mine- making love and holding his kisses
within me so that he became mine.

He was so full of life.. so much dreams and hopes held for me, I
became blinded by them. I never told him who I was, or rather, what I
was and still am. My name was all he knew about me and the night
became our time of meeting; he never questioned me at all.

But it's only natural, for someone to enquire on my appearing
during the dark and fleeing the light. Being near him had drawn so
many dangers for an immortal such as myself, but it was a risk I was
willing to take. For my dear Totchi, as I had become accustomed to
calling him, was light while I was the black of darkness. We were two
opposites that attracted each other so naturally.

One night, while he was lying in my arms, he had asked me the
question I had feared so much. I had stayed quiet, just holding him
for as long as I could before he began to repeat the question over
and over again..

` Why? Why won't you come during the day? Why only at night? Why?'

I couldn't take his questions, I couldn't answer them.
I didn't
want him to lose the warmth he had in his eyes for me.
I didn't want to lose the love he held for me. I didn't want to lose. him.

So I left.

And tomorrow came.

~~
Dan...
Perlahan kaupun, lupakan aku
Mimpi burukmu
Dimana t'lah kutancapkan duri tajam
Kaupun menangis, menangis sedih
Maafkan aku...

/And..
You slowly forget about me too
Your nightmares
Where I had thrown thorns so sharp
You cried, sorrowfully crying
Forgive me../

I don't think I could ever undo the pain I had caused him. The only
person I could ever love, was the person I had inflicted the most
pain on. I should've just left Totchi then but when midnights came
and left me in their memories all I could remember was his porcelain
smiling face, looking at me with the life I had lost.

I crumbled and returned to him, meeting him again at night, hurting
him even more with my growing coldness.

===

" Hisashi, why won't you smile at me anymore?" Toshiya looked at
the dark figure across his room, approaching him slowly. " You're
changing.. so much."

" People change, Totchi." Came the short answer, voice laced with ice.

" Not you. Not me." The tall man bent down on his knees, settling
himself into a kneeling position so he could raise his eyes to meet
his lover's cold brown ones. Gentle touches on the pale skin of the
immortal. " What has happened to you?"

Hisashi heaved a sigh, roughly pushing the hand away from his face.
" Shouldn't you just be happy that I'm back? What else are you asking from me?"

Hurt, deep hurt in the young man's eyes. There were tears slowly
creeping into them but Toshiya held them back, clutching Hisashi's
hands in his own.

" Of course I'm happy that you're back. I just wish you wouldn't be
so cold to me." Toshiya lowered his eyes in dismay when Hisashi
averted his gaze. " I love you so much.. but this dream.. it's
turning into a nightmare for me."

Hisashi's index finger caught on Toshiya's chin, bringing the man's
face to look at him again. The immortal looked longingly at his lover
for a moment, thinking of what to say, how to just explain
*everything* but couldn't find the words. Lost, he leaned in and
placed a bruising kiss on the young man. The tears rolled freely then
and it was only the love inside Toshiya that kept him from pushing
the older man away.

The night was passed by again with only two bodies entangled in
each other and when morning came, only one was left, the cold immortal away again.

Tears were becoming a frequent company for the younger man.

===

I knew how much I hurt him, how much I was killing him with the
many unanswered questions that stood between us. He thought I was
only using him for my own pleasure, my own entertainment, and that my
words that I had said to him were only pleasentaries that were needed
to hold him forever within me. I was hurt by his words but I didn't
deny them; maybe, if he hated me, he would forget me easier. when I
left him, for good.

Two years dragged by with our private meetings in his room, unknown
to anyone except ourselves. I knew that after those two years came
and went, I had to leave him. For good. Sooner or later he would find
out who and what I truly was and I couldn't have him knowing. I
wanted him to think that I was something human.. not a creation of a demon.

The last night I was with him was when he first yelled at me. I
suppose the tension he had been holding back finally arose from
within. He couldn't bottle his frustrations anymore. I knew it was my
que to leave him then. Regretfully, I never even said good-bye.

I had thought that I would be able to live on without him but the
next decade went by torturously. I came to the village night after
night for food and I had to restrain myself from coming close to his
home. In awhile, I had to move onto another village because too many
deaths would arouse suspicion and I didn't need anyone near my home.

My fate must be with Toshiya, hadn't I been damned with
immortality, because when I went to a far of village one night after
10 painful years of not meeting him, I saw him in a house after a kill.

With lips still glistening with blood, my fangs still in obvious
view, I couldn't approach him. Not that I would, anyways. He was in
the company of his family; marriage had taken place in Toshiya's
life, the woman he held close looked blissful, and the two children
running around drew a smile on the man's face that I couldn't
recognize. Needless to say, I wanted to be happy for him but the
twisting of my heart at that moment just couldn't offer any of the
happiness he had deserved.

Toshiya had forgotten me. My Totchi, my beautiful Totchi, had forgotten me.

===

" Why won't you just come clean with me, Hisashi?"

Toshiya yelled at the stone man, " Why won't you just admit that all

this while we were together, it was nothing to you? Why? Why do you
keep on hurting me?"

Hisashi stayed silent, concentrating on the softness of the bed
rather then how delicious the young man's blood could be at that moment.

" Well, speak for God's sake!" Toshiya's voice became higher,
louder. " I need an answer! I can't take your silence anymore!"

Still he remained quiet, not wanting to look up to see\ Toshiya's
anger. But temptation caved in and he raised his face to see his
enraged lover, glaring at him with such uncontrolled emotions. With
one swift move, he held the young man in his arms, pushing Toshiya's
head back so that his lips grazed the vein on his neck.

" Hi-Hisashi?" Toshiya felt dizzy, the world was upside-down from
the way the immortal was holding and he had trouble adjusting to the
situation. " Hisashi?"

The blue head ignored the call, his fangs growing into their full
length, ready to strike his victim.

" Hisashi?" Came the trembling voice. " I'm sorry.. I didn't mean
to shout at you.. I didn't mean to."

Snapping out of his trance, Hisashi looked up, raising his lover so
that he held him in his arms. Toshiya continued crying, muttering
apologies entertwining them with his name over and over again.
Hisashi closed his eyes tightly, his fangs returning to their normal
size again.

` Too close.,' he thought, embracing the man tightly against him, `
I can't be here anymore..'

Toshiya's tears continued to fall, his body shaking in Hisashi's embrace.

` I have to leave you now, Totchi,' Hisashi thought miserably, `
God, help me.. I love this man so much..'

===

~~
Dan...
Bukan maksudku, bukan inginku
Melukaimu sadarkah kau di sini 'kupun terluka
Melupakanmu, menepikanmu
Maafkan aku

/And..
It wasn't my meaning, wasn't my intention
To hurt you, did you realize I am hurting here too?
Forgetting you, pushing you aside
Forgive me../

I keep on thinking that I could face him again. Evenwhen he grew
into age, I still loved him as he once was. There was nothing his
physical beauty lost that made his inner beauty fade. His love for
life, his hopes were still very much as they had been when I first
encountered him.

After watching him through the window that one night, I continued
to visit his house, I just needed to see him- the idea of being close
to him was all the reason I had to live.

===

" So, he said that I couldn't ever find a nice person because I was
way too naïve and kind to people." Toshiya was wrapping up his
story. " He said that the person I'll end up with will be cruel to me
because of my kindness. Isn't that such an awful thing to say?"

Hisashi smiled a small smile. " It's probably true. You are a bit naïve for your own
good, Totchi."

" You're teasing me again!" Toshiya pouted, bending forward, " You
never take what I say seriously."

Hisashi looked up from his lying position, the small smile still on his face.
" I take you seriously."

" Not seriously enough." Toshiya sat on the bed, gathering the
smaller man into his arms. " I don't want to end up with a cruel
person.. besides, I want to end up with you and you're not cruel."

The blue head cringed inwardly.

" How would you know? You've never really seen me when I'm not with
you." Hisashi said. " For all you know, I could be the
most awful man alive."

Toshiya shook his head vigorously,
" No, I don't believe that. You have a good heart, I can see that.
You could never hurt anyone. And I know you'll never hurt me."

===

I had hurt him. I had been cruel to him. He had so much faith in me
and I had destroyed it completely. How could I have done so?

Taking a part of him was like taking a part of myself. In killing
my relationship with him, I had killed off any of the
human feelings I had once been able to have. Now, I could only feel a
deep regret because of the way my heart bleeds everytime I see him.

===

The immortal looked into the bright window, spying on the small family.

The mother was preparing dinner, her two sons playing with the dog.
Across the table sat the father, who was looking at his wife with
immense love. Holding her hand, she blushed as he raised his head to
kiss her lips. Their children giggled at the show, hugging each other
and jumping up and down.

Hisashi drew back, holding a hand to his chest.

===

Did Toshiya really forget his love for me? Did he love that woman
more then he had loved me?

Those questions tormented my mind and I wished for release. But
whatever way i tried, however badly I tried to hurt myself, death
never came and I was only left with memories so
painful, too painful for me too endure.

Maybe my soul would die.

Yes, my soul will die and I will offer it to Toshiya when I meet
him again, as a way of apologizing for the agony I've caused for the
both of us.

~~
Lupakanlah saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala

/Just forget about me
If it will make you shine again
Just like the days before/

My wishes for him to forget me had come true. He did
deserve the happiness he had now after how I had treated him for
the last two years we were together. The life, the youth he once
shone with on that night I first graced my lips across his, that
night where I had become a part of someone, shone again with even more
brightness when he was with that woman.

That's good, right?

~~
Caci-maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala

/Just ridicule and execrate me
If it will make you shine again
Just like the days before/

He is nearing his death now. As I look at the bright
crimson drapes in front of me, I wonder about him. Would he be in
pain? Would death come and take him away easily? Or would it rip his
soul from his body as torture for his time spent with a creature of the
damned- me?

I lowered my head, trying to breath normally. I didn't
want to leave my house, it was my only haven for the day but I
wanted to see him again. If I went to him at night, my love would
already be gone. I wanted to be by his side because I owed it to him.
Out of all the promises I had given him.. I could at least keep one,
so that he would know I did love him in return.

===

" Hisashi, do you know how death is like?" Toshiya lay awake, his
body pressed against Hisashi's warmly.

" Why do you ask?" Hisashi's hand played with the strands of hair
tickling his chin. " It's a rather serious topic to be talking about,
isn't it?"

" You really don't take me seriously!" Toshiya gave a
light punch on Hisashi's chest, making the older man laugh
lightly.

" Fine fine.," Hisashi chuckled, then smiled at the
thought. " I don't know how death is like. But it doesn't sound so
bad if my love is next to me, holding my hand as I leave this world."

" But even with your loved ones near you, won't it hurt? Having
your life sucked right out of you?" Toshiya whispered.
" I saw this man die yesterday.. it was awful! He was trembling so
violently I thought his body would break from the way he trashed
around."

" It'll still hurt, I guess." Hisashi shrugged. Then, playfully, he
smiled down at the enquiring face gazing at him. " But
if you were there holding my hand, it might make it less painful.
Because I could see your beauty before I die, it's like I have a
chance for heaven."

Toshiya smiled at his answer, snuggling into the warmth of his arms
again. " Then I want you to be by my side when I die too. I
want you to hold my hand and look down on me so that I'll feel
like I can see the gateways of heaven!"

Hisashi chuckled.

" Promise me, Hisashi?" Came the request.

The immortal only chuckled some more, holding the young man against
him comfortably. Toshiya wasn't satisfied, drawing
himself away and looking down at the smiling man with a frown.

" Promise me."

Hisashi sighed, still smiling.
" I promise."

===

Why did the day have to be so bright? I remember when
I used to be so strong against the heat of the sun. I remember when
I could welcome daylight with all my heart. But now, as I make
my way to his village, covering myself with a heavy cloak, I feel as
if though all the energy I had was gone.

It didn't take a long time for me to reach the
village. It didn't take a long time for me to find his house either. I'd
been making frequent visits, anyhow. I looked into the window of
his bedroom and found him with his wife. She was sobbing at his
current state, holding his hand so tightly. Toshiya was trying to
smile but it seemed as if though it was too hard for him. Unable to
take her husband's misery, she shook her head in apology before
running out the door in tears.

I heard him sigh and then decided it was safe for me
to enter.

I knew that he knew I was inside the room.

" Who is there?" His voice came out as a rasp.

" An old friend." I replied, walking slowly to his bed.

He had trouble opening his eyes but when he did, his eyebrows
knitted in anger.
" It's you!"

" It's me." I tried to reply as cool as possible.
Instead, I wished to hold him till every breath of air left his dying
body. " I've come to see you."

His eyes were wrinkled at the sides but they seemed to
disappear as rage fired them.
" You always come to make me miserable. Couldn't leave me in peace
even when I was dying?"

" You don't seem like you're dying." I placed a hand
on his. " You still have enough energy to yell at me."

Toshiya snorted which drew a coughing fit. He
painstakingly pushed my hand aside.
" I have all the energy in the world to give you a
piece of my mind, Hisashi."

" Then yell at me."

I held him, helping Toshiya into a sitting position,
leaning him against the wall- much to his surprise. Of course, he
protested vehemently. I ignored them and sat myself in front of
him again. He had gone quiet once more.

" Now, you can yell at me all you want." I said, my
voice shaking slightly. " Go ahead, yell me. Tell your wife to kill
me. Hell, why don't you kill me? Come on, curse me, scorn at me,
disgrace me.. just yell at me so that you can release all that anger
you've kept inside!"

Toshiya tilted his head to one side and made a sound
that sounded like a cough. I realized that he was laughing though.

" Why are you laughing?" I felt annoyed by this elder
Toshiya. " Why are you laughing at me?"

He stopped abruptly but a tired smile placed itself on
his lips.

" You want a piece of my mind, Hisashi?" Toshiya still
smiled tiredly. " Fine, I'll give you a piece of my mind."

He leaned in and kiss me.

It was a strange thing, what happened next. The lips
that I felt on mine wasn't coarse, nor was the skin pressed against
mine fine with age. Instead, there was a burning sensation I felt
that I remembered feeling so many years ago. When we broke apart, the
young Toshiya looked back at me, his eyes just as I had remembered
them when we first made love.

" You're an immortal, aren't you?" He asked.

There was something stuck in my throat at that moment
because I could find my voice and I could only nod. He merely
smiled and threaded his fingers with mine.

" Then you can love me forever." He whispered. " As
I've always loved you.. did you read my mind, Hisashi? Can you see
that I still love you?"

Again, I couldn't find my voice.

Toshiya laid himself on his bed again, letting out a
shuddered breath. He seemed to age again in front of me. His
smile was still etched on lips but it was obvious that I was losing
him as the seconds ticked on by. I held his hand tightly in mine.

" Totchi?" I croaked out, holding his hand with both
of my own. " Totchi? Aishiteru."

He opened his eyes briefly to scan my face, before
closing them again. Shutting out all the brightness that had
sparkled once.

" I just saw heaven."

And there was silence.

~~
Lupakanlah saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala

Caci-maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulu kala

/Just forget about me
If it will make you shine again
Just like the days before/

/Just ridicule and execrate me
If it will make you shine again
Just like the days before/

**
END

Notes: Well, the first verse of the song i didn't get to translate as
much as i liked since the translation is a bit off... i think what
the singer was trying to say was ' to be as you once were- happy..'
but i didn't know how to translate it exactly.. sorry! ><;;
also, since indonesian isn't my first language.. there might be
some mistakes.. again, gomen! i'm only referring to how my cousin
translates it for me so... hope you enjoyed this... ^^ first time i wrote a
vampy-fic..

Please send your comments to the author: Hikaru

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