Deconstructing the Agitator
by Indira Neill


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Agitator 1

Comments: And yes, we go back to Kirito's pov. This is just, confusing and weird and I'm losing
my mind therefore Kirito is losing his mind. Kirito's mental state gets to match mine.

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I think I'm dying. I'm dying from the inside out and there is nothing I can fucking do about it.
I don't let the others see me cry. I hide from them. Keep up my dictator persona then I hide
under a table somewhere and cry and cry like the weakling I am. To think this whole time Jun
seemed so fragile, but I'm the one sitting in my dark appartment crying and crying. I just can't
do this anymore. Everything has to be so fucking perfect. There is nothing I can't do if I
want to get it accomplished. So I can't trust the others. If I leave it to the others it won't
be done correctly. I must do it myself. My fingers may bleed and I may die of exhaustion,
but it will be perfect. But I haven't been perfect yet. So I'll sit here in the dark and
cry for an hour or two. And no one will know anything is wrong. Its amazing how I can
fool everyone. I've been doing it for years. I doubt even my brother knows how depressed
I can be. Or Jun for that matter.

I sent Jun away. He came to my door this morning. He looked so happy. He just died his
hair a redish color a few weeks ago, I hardly recognized him still. I haven't seen him much
since the tour ended. I haven't seen anyone. That's why he came. Fuck, he acutally was
worried about me. Well, I know he says he loves me. He told me this morning. I miss him.
Maybe I am falling in love with him. Or I want to. I've wanted to love him. I want to learn to
really love someone. But I still can't. Wanting doesn't equal doing. He's my perfect match, but
I can't love him. I won't love him because that love will make me weaker then I already am.
I want to be perfect for the world. I want everyone to remember me, but that won't happen.

No one will remember you for music. The music doesn't live on. Governments don't live on.
Nothing in the end will ever matter. Nothing. Everything is worthless because nothing will ever
matter. I can't change the world. I can't matter.

My carpet was changed recently. I really like it. I had wanted new carpet in the apartment for awhile.
There were a few blood stains here and there. Mostly in the bedroom and in one corner. I need to repaint
the walls too. Maybe I can do that myself. But I would like to keep the blood stains on the wall. To remind
me that I do have power. I may not matter, but I do have power.

The bedroom is darker then the living room. I keep the blinds closed most of the day. I only open them at
night or if Jun is here. I don't really like bringing Jun here, I prefer his apartment. I like leaving blood
stains on his wall so he can remember as well. Maybe if I can control him I can feel in control of my
own life.

We're going back to record again sometime soon. I don't want to go back. I don't want to face them. But
I will, and they won't think anything is wrong. I'll manipulate Jun and he'll think everything is normal. Well,
perhaps Takeo will notice. He seems to know everything. I don't know what any of us would do without
him. He's the only one in control of his life. I wish Aiji and Kohta would grow up. Their so imature. I mean,
yeah, I push Aiji to be imature, but really. I don't need him getting drunk at every chance. Jun doesn't
bother to write any music anymore. I wonder why. I wonder if its because of me. Even if Aiji stopped as
well I could do it myself. I can do everything myself. As long as I know the world won't collapse on top of
me I could move everything to accomplish my goals. The problem is I can feel the sky encroching on me.
And I haven't moved a thing. I don't want all my work to collapse on top of me. I don't want to be useless.

I can't stand being useless but I am. Because nothing will matter in the end so in the end I'm useless. I want
to drive into oncomming traffic. At least when I go I want to take others along with me. At least then there
will be a few people who will remember me after death. They'll remember me because they hate me. Love
never lasts as long as hate does. We don't remember the nice guys of history. We remember the warlords, the
dictators, those who can be seen as evil.

Evil, I don't understand evil. I don't understand right and wrong. You can show me right and wrong and I
won't be able to tell the difference. Words aren't bad, people's perception of them are bad. The words never
hurt anyone. People choose to be hurt by the words. Society makes things good and evil. So in the end no
one can accuse me of not having morals. Because my morals fit my mindset. They have no right to judge me.

And I can't love him. Because I'm not supposed to love him. Because I don't want to love him. I don't want
to love and I don't want to be loved. I want to be miserable because I don't know how to be happy anymore.
I don't care about happiness only desperation. I can't live without Jun. I use him as a release. I use him and
he lets me use him. He thinks he loves me but he doesn't. He's used to me so he plays along. I'm what comes
naturally to him. I want to cut him free from the confines I've placed him in. I want to free him from me. I no
longer wish to be part of this game. I don't want to hurt more people then I already have. What are morals?

I have no morals yet I feel pain. I feel pain as anyone else would. But I'm the one with no morals. There are
people out there killing each other yet I have no morals. You kill in the name of God and you can be a hero,
kill out of desperation and you're a vile thing. So do I have morals? Am I evil? I refuse to accept this world and
this world refuses to accept me. But at the same time people look at me. Do they admire me? Why should they
look to someone with no morals? Why should they look to a vile human incapable of love. Incapable of hate.
As much as I cannot love I cannot hate. I cannot feel one emotion so the other is worthless. Everything is worthless
and in the end nothing will matter. I don't matter, Jun won't matter, none of this will matter because I refuse to let
it matter. And it will all fall into the void that is human thought. Because thought can't last forever so nothing
matters.

I wish to die but I can't. I am worth as much in life as I am in death. So there is no purpous to life or death. They
are two sides of the same entity. So dying is as useless as living. It doesn't matter which side of the coin you're
on. You still can't move from the coin. Its a different view of the same motion. And we continue to go over and
over in the same motions of life and death. Who is to say I'm alive right now? If you're alive aren't you able to
love? Perhaps I was born dead. I was born dead so in death I will finally live. But if life and death are the same
there is no purpous in my dying so I shall continue in false life. In an endless cycle were the view is always the
same. And in the end the coin will be melted and reformed into some new object but we will hold the same view
we once did.

Jun is on one side of the coin and I am on the other. The two sides will never meet and Jun and I could never
be happy in this arrangement. We complete each other but at the same time have no interaction. We can fuction
without each other but we are considered odd when seperated. I wish we could be melted, so we could be the
same. That Jun could take a piece of my desperation and I could take a piece of his innocence and we could
live happily ever after.

But maybe this just shows I'm not supposed to be with Jun. I want to be with Jun, to be happy with him. But I'm
not. Perhaps, its all for a reason. There is some way for me to be happy, I think. Maybe.

--

I really didn't want to come in. But we have to start recording again. I'd feel even more worthless if we didn't
produce something. Aiji and Jun, working there silently. They act like old friends sometimes. At least Jun's
life isn't as miserable as mine. At least he can find happiness in some form. I don't think they even know I'm here,
watching them interact innocently. Jun playing with a strand of Aiji's wet hair. Twirling it between his finger tips.
Jun has racoon like attention. Anything that shines will catch his attention. He laughs slightly at some comment
Aiji makes. I know Aiji isn't one to be trusted, but I know Jun is too innocent to take Aiji's teasing as anything more.
And Aiji is my friend, he knows Jun is mine. Jun is mine. It sound hard and cold like the persona I play. 

I don't know if I like Jun's new hair color. But he still looks like a small child. An odd small child, but still a child.
I wonder what they are talking about. I should just tell them I'm here, but I want to watch them for a bit longer.
If only I could play around with them and be happy. The three of us just as friends. But in the end Jun is mine and
Aiji is left alone. He seems to be alone most of the time. Maybe I should help him find someone. Maybe that could
keep him from drinking so damn much. 

I just want to watch them in perfect innocence a bit longer.

Kiss

No resistance

Kiss

He's happy. He's happy. He's happy.

His wings torn from his back in a single stroke. A slow process I've taken on for years completed with a single
motion. A single motion does all the things I've wanted to do. I can see the blood running down his back. I 
wonder why its so much darker then I expected. All this time I was the innocent. 

Kiss

Button

No resistance no resistance.

Blood Blood Blood Torn Flailing

The last support beam in my mind. Bleeding for my salvation. In a way am I more free now? I want to shed
his blood. I want something to bleed for me. Because he no longer will. I need someone to bleed for me. To
cry for me. To have all those emotions I can't express myself.

I need someone to die in my place because death and life are the same and can never be mixed. You can die
or live and its the same. But death and life will never contact me. Jun will forever be living and I will continue
to die over and over because I have yet to learn how to live.

to agitator 2

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