Reject the Agitator
by Indira Neill


----

Agitator 2

Comments: This is probally going to be a ten part series so I'm at about the half
way point right now. Also, I made the desision to listen to Russian pop music 
instead of Pierrot while writting this (all the others I listen to Pierrot while writting)
I wonder if it made a difference.

--

I can't believe Shinya keeps pushing me away like this. He's never been emotionally
close to me. But when he's frustrated he uses my body as release. At least then I know
he's felling something. Even if he won't tell me what he feels, I know he feels. I know
he's human that way. Humans are imperfect, but Shinya, he doesn't realize this.

I went to his appartment this morning. He wouldn't let me in. He wouldn't let me
look at him. The one link that kept us together has been torn to shreads. Our
meaningless physical pervesion is gone. He ripped it away and now I feel as
if I am falling. Like's hes torn out those fucking wings he's always telling me
about. He doesn't realize he's my wings. As perverse as he is, as much as he
hurts me. He doesn't realize its not angel's wings I carry, but his black ones. I'm
willing to carry their weight for him. I'm willing to carry the weight of his bastard
wings only to make him see how much he really means to me. I would do anything
to make him love me. I don't need him to hold me and tell me everything is ok.
I don't fucking need that. I don't need to have someone to run to when I can't
take on the world. All I need is to know someone is there to do all the things I
don't really need done.

He doesn't notice anything about me. I dyed my hair red and he didn't say a
word. Well, I did it before the tour ended. He never mentioned it. He had to
have noticed. I hoped he would insult it. Something. Anything to know he's alive.
He's more alive right now then I could ever hope to be. Without him I feel I could
wither away and die.

I've been getting depressed over this. Maybe thats why Aiji wanted to take me
out clubbing with him. To get my mind off Shinya and onto him. I haven't been
talking to Aiji either. I haven't been coming to him. I've been acting towards him
like Shinya has to me. I think I'm so bad off, at least there is someone who cares
for me. Aiji has no one. God, if only I could learn to love Aiji. To make at least
someone happy. I'll do anything to make them both happy. I just want everything
to work out ok. I'm so fucking tired but I came out with Aiji anyway. He insisted that
I dance with him. I'm not a very good dancer.

Aiji really isn't that great a dancer either but he makes it look good. The way he
moves his body. He spends all his free time trying to seduce me. Maybe he can
finally succed today. I don't want to think about Shinya anymore until he's ready
to think about me. And I'm sure Aiji wants the same from me. So shouldn't I just
give it to him?

"What is it you want from me?"

I can't even tell if he could hear me over the music. Something with a unusal
female voice. No, two female voices. Nothing really extraordinary about
their singing. I mean, you don't need the best voice to do dance music. It's
almost whiny at times. But then it turns breathy. I can't make out what 
language its in. Its not Japanese or English. They're a bit off key. Not much
but a little. Somehow it fits. Both voices sound young but sensual. Like a
child that was forced to grow up too fast. Niether voice is doing a great
job at hitting the higher notes. 

The beat of the music is good though. Everyone is dancing. Aiji just keeps looking
at me for some sign of approval. He's taken on his princess persona. Looking
at me like a pouty child. 

An odd echo effect goes over the voices and they fade out. It changes to
a different song but its the same girls doing to vocals. They sound more
desperate. One definatly has a breathy voice. Even though I can't
tell what they're saying it sounds like I feel. Like everything is going
to melt down, everything is going to fall apart. Everything is desperate.
Like she's crying while singing. 

"I want to feel you."

Another desperate cry. What are they saying?

Mama...papa...what's wrong with this? I can't tell. What are they saying?
Why do I even care? Its a stupid song. Its ending now. I recongize the next
song. Its Hamasaki Ayumi. Standard fair probally for a club like this. Not
like I would know. Aiji's the one who always wants to go clubbing. I'd rather
stay at home. By myself. Or stay in Shinya's bed while he slept. Or in
my bed with Kirito next to me. Somewhere with him. He's Shinya at home
and Kirito at my apartment. He's so attached to his room. I think its only
there when he really seems like himself. Maybe thats why he prefers my
apartment for our, activites. He doesn't need my blood on his walls.

--

I feel sick. I've never, not even with Kirito. I, but its what Aiji wanted. Still,
it didn't feel right. Oh God, I didn't like it at all. At least I mildly enjoy when
Shinya cuts me. I know its masochistic and we're taught thats wrong but it
feels good because I love him. I don't love Aiji, why did I let him tell me
what to do?

I feel sick.

--

I can't believe I can still look at Aiji. After, after that I ran from his apartment
it felt so wrong. I felt so out of character. It didn't feel like me. But we had
to start work on the new single. I couldn't aviod half my bandmates forever.
We going to fucking tear ourselves apart.

I hardly ever curse out loud. But in my head I do. I don't know why that is.
Even if I tried to outloud it would look bizzare to have somone as shy as
I am curse. I'd probally turn bright red, stumble over the words and look
like more of an idiot then before. Kirito knows how to curse. But Shinya is
as bad as I am I bet. I think there is a difference between Shinya and
Kirito. But I'm in love with them both because they both make up that
thing I'm so attracted to. You can't seperate Kirito from Shinya but they
are not the same person. Its hard to explain. Shinya is locked up in his
room and Kirito is outside playing the dictator. Kirito cuts me but its Shinya
licking my wounds clean. But is it Shinya or Kirito I want?

And then, am I one person or two? I think I'm two different people as well.
I just don't have to name them both. Because no one knows about my
second side. I'm comfortable with it so I have no need to name it. My
other self is confidant without a name. Shinya treats Kirito like he treats
me. Or is it Kirito treats Shinya as he treats me. Who is in control of him
now?

Aiji and I need to work on this though. I have to focus on work every
once in awhile. If I could only use the song's I've been writing. But 
they're the one thing I have thats not connected to our fucking game.
Pierrot is just a part of the game at this point. God damnit I just want
things to go back to the way it was before. When I admired Shinya
and Aiji teased me and there was nothing else to it. But times like that
never existed. Since I've known Shinya I've belonged to him. And
since Kirito came into existance he's abused me. Its Kirito cutting me.
Shinya touching me.

But I should be focusing on the cord progression and the like. 
Aiji thinks he's so much better at this then I am. Maybe he is but that
doesn't mean I'm an idiot. I wonder why Kirito hasn't shown up
yet. Its not like him to be this late. Takeo and Kohta are in the room
next to ours working on the rythm section of another song. Its just
Aiji and I.

His hair is wet again. And with my lovely raccoon like attention
I can't help but play with it. Anything that refects the light will
attract me. Its so sad. I'm such a little girl. I know my faluts but I
can't seem to correct them.

"You like the lighting in this room?"

I can't help but laugh a little. Its true, anything that has to do with
light or refection. My apartment is filled with mirrors. I don't actually
look at myself in them. But I like to pick them up and reflect the light
from one mirror to the next. Watching it dance on my walls and
ceilings. Ciel, thats the french word for sky, and we have ceilings
to block the sky.

Kiss

I don't want to fight back. But I don't want Kirito to see us. I need to
feel submissive to someone. And I haven't in so long. But never, I never
can afford to lose Kirito. I can't. He can't see us, we can't do this here.

Kiss

I should stop him, push him away. But I can't I can't lose Aiji, I can't
lose him. I can't feel empty. I need both to complete me. I need Kirito
and Shinya and Aiji. So are there three or four of us trapped in
this sick plot? Or is it six. We have our outward selves and then who
we truly are. If we stuck to who we really are perhaps we could have
avoided our approching disaster. We're all going to die like this. 
We're going to die not knowing what each other is thinking. We're
going to die preteneding everything is really ok. It will just stay the
way it is now. Because Kirito never sees whats going on and Shinya
never gets enough time out of his room to have a chance to look.
I wish maybe Kirito would see us. Then we would be forced to deal
with this. We won't have to keep going on like everything is perfect
in our lives. We can talk and yell and scream like normal human
beings.

Kiss

Button

I want this to stop. I need this to stop. I can't carry three sets of
wings around with me. My back is going to break under the
pressure if I can't stop this. Its all my fault.

I need to scream.

to agitator 3

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