Finale
by Indira Neill


----

Band/Pairing: Pierrot/no pairings in this chapter, but it was KiritoxJun,
KiritoxAiji, Aiji+Jun
Comments: final pierrot pov. blood, blood, blood. Each section is going back
and forth in time.

Also, originally this was much longer. I shortened it.

--

I know he's with Jun, they've been together since I joined. Probaly long before
that. But I can't help it. I mean, I don't think I'm physically attracted to him, I
don't think I 'want' him. But, I'm not sure. His voice and personality and everthing
just draws me to him. I've only been with them for about a year or so. Jun and Kirito
seem oddly close to each other. It wouldn't be that, well, odd except for the fact
Kirito hardly pays attention to his own brother but he is always affectionate
towards Jun.

They look like two teenagers in love sitting across from me. Kirito absent mindingly
playing with a bit of Jun's hair. Whispering things into his ear making Jun giggle
like a teenaged girl. Petting his hand, intertwining their fingers, moving closer to
each other. Jun moves his face to Kirito's head soft neck. Kirito
petting him as if he was a cat or a young child.

Aiji on the other hand drowns himself in alcohol. He's normally cheerful but whenever
we go out like this he seems lost in his own little world. He completely ignores Jun and
Kirito, it's weird, seeing as normally they get along rather well. But I suppose it can't
be helped much. If he wants to be lost he can be lost for a bit. Maybe he just needs
some time to think. Time to comprehend what seems to be happening to us. The lives
are getting bigger. More people are comming to see us. This could be it. This could
be the band that makes it.

Carelessly I play a bit with the drink in front of me. Kohta isn't drinking at all, he just
sits there and smokes. I've never seen someone smoke so much and not drop dead
right there and then. Jun doesn't really drink much either. He always seems to order
a drink then not have much of it. Of course, Kirito aids in that distraction.

They're so, cute together. I'm not so much jealous as disapointed.

--

Kirito is dead, Kotha is dead, Aiji and Jun are dying. I'm dying.

They tell me I wasn't invovled in this, I was invovled, I played as much a part as
Kirito did, as much a part as Aiji did, as much a part as any of them did. Becuase,
I knew. I fucking knew what was going on and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it.
I could have saved them but they're all dead.

To hide the gulit I look cheerful and I visit Aiji and Jun nearly every day. I've never
been in a relationship, never had time or the will to feel attached to another human
that way. I'm content playing father for Aiji and Jun, content seeing them alive,
I don't need more then that. At least I keep telling myself I don't need more then that.

It's so sterotypical of us, to fall, break collapse like this. To disapear, become self-
destructive and masochistic. Of course, I knew all along that was Jun's preoccupation.
How naive was he to think I didn't know where the scars came from? The whole thing
made me feel ill.

But now, I'm just as destructive as they were. I go home and hurt myself out of sheer
frustration. Because I have nothing else left to do. But I'm smarter then they were.
No one knows because I hide it so well. Along the insides of my legs, on the sides
of my chest, I don't need anyone else because I have myself.

I've become obsessed with myself, with my own body because I have nothing else.
It's perverted and sick. But this way I can be in total control, I control no one and no
one controls me. I don't need anyone else to complete me. I won't be weak and
helpless like Kirito and Jun were, I just won't. I won't be obsessed like Aiji was. I'm in
control this way. And no one knows, no one will ever know.

It's raining again.

--

Something has been happening between Jun and Kirito, they are getting more and
more distant but at the same time Kirito is getting more, possesive. I noticed, before
the live, small cut marks on Jun's back. Other places on his body as well. The ones on
his back look healed though while other scars are fequently red. But Jun is just as cheerful
as he always has been. Kirito has been withdrawing from us. Pulling away, becoming
agressive. I can also see Jun's heart being crushed and relishing in the pain. I know what
they are doing.

--

I'm scared of myself. How I can act so happy in front of them when I've given in to the
same exact weakness. There are so many bloodied bandages in my house. Like
corpses from a mass sacrifice. I'm afraid to throw them away because someone may
find them. The same curse that distroyed them is going to distroy me, but so much more
violently.

The gauze covered in blood plasters the walls to my heart. I could have been a poet
with lines like that. As awful and sterotypical as that sounds, its the way I feel. Funny,
all those weird rumors about Pierrot and Dir en Grey. Every once in awhile an
interviewer off record would ask us. But we never did get to meet the guys from Dir
en Grey. They seemed like cute kids. I don't really know why I'm thinking about that
now. Of course, I did tend to read the magazines a lot. I remember reading about
their album Gauze, the pretty bandages to hide the ugly scars or something like
that. Seems oddly fitting for my life.

Not to sound arrogant but I was blessed with a bit more intelligence and maturity
then the adverage male. Of course this eventually turned my life into a living hell.
I over analyze everything completely distroying my chances to be happy, have
a girlfriend, get married, raise kids and all that happily ever after stuff. Its pretty
easy to assume Kohta was the only member to regularly share his bed with the
fairer sex. Of course, I'm sure Jun came pretty damn close to being the fairer sex.
He just proved males can be just as desirable to men as women can. I don't blame
Jun for any of this. I can't blame him. But he was at the center, I pity him.

Aiji used to love watching it rain.

--

Jun seemed light headed today. He told me everything was fine but I know it's not.
Kirito did that...thing to him again. But I know from the way they talk that Jun has
no intention of stopping it. I think he might be enjoying it. It's sick but I am in no
position to be judging them. God, I hope this lasts between them. I could see this
tearing us apart. Tearing us apart like Kirito peels away Jun's skin.

--

The little drops collect, seperate they can hang on a pane of glass. If they collect they
fall and slip down in a mass joined blob. Or they can wait alone and evaporate without
being remembered. You can remember that large drop trailing down your glass window,
but either way it won't effect who you'll be tomorow.

We didn't go out like raindrops, we went out like gunfire and left a cloud of smoke in our
wake.

--

Kirito is getting more and more controlling of Jun, more and more like a dictator. It was
just a stage show in the begining. Now it's something more. Now it's domination.

--

But even the cloud of smoke goes away after awhile. What is remembered is the dead
left behind if they accomplished something in life. The cloud is gone but Kirito and Kohta's
bodies still remain in a shallow grave.

--

Kohta has a new girlfriend. She's pretty, he told me all about her after I saw them together.
He seems so happy with her. They complement each other perfectly. We joked about the
fangirls getting jealous that he was dating someone other then me and I mocked jealousy
over his new found treausre. We've always been on good terms. He's just a kid but he knows
right from wrong, nice to know there could be some of that same purity in his brother.

--

He had so much life left in him. Before, before that night he told me he was going to marry
her. They were so in love. But he was worried about his brother and Jun. He wanted to make
sure everything was ok, he wanted to get his brother's blessing. No one saw this coming, none
of us.

Kirito played the violent dictator on stage, and it would seem in Jun's bed as well. But this, we
didn't think it went beyond that. It was just something they did. Aiji has never been totally
truthful with me about why he was with Kirito that night. Oh, all the gory details were discussed
in the trial. Every cut Kirito lay on his body was examined, we heard each detail about each
slash. But he never told me why, why he was willing to take that abuse from Kirito.

--

Aiji is pulling away again. Whenever Kirito and Jun get close, Aiji pulls away. Drowns himself
in alcohol. I don't know who it is he's after. Kirito or Jun, I don't know which one he want's to win
over. He won't get either, I know how much he hates pain.

--

He's in so much pain now, they both are. They are waiting around to die. I found Aiji's
notebook, with the incomplete songs. They are perfect. So perfect waiting for Kirito's voice to
fill the gap. Everything else is there.

--

I knew I knew I knew I knew I knew

--

I knew I knew I knew I knew I knew

I could have stopped it but I didn't. I thought it was all a game. I thought it was harmless.

I was wrong.

You know how much she cried? You know he never got the chance to ask her? You know how
much of his blood was on his brother's clothing?

You don't fucking know.

Jun wants to wash it all away, he wants to starve himself to death, he wants to die.

But I won't let him.

Aiji wants me to pull the plug, he wants to get out of bed, he wants things to go back to
the way they were.

It's not going to happen.

So I will sit here surrounded by my comfort, my obsession, the same thing that killed the
four of them will now kill me. I sit with my cherry pink wounds and snow white bandages.
I sit and let my wounds bleed until the clotting starts. I bring my two friends back from
death every day only to watch them slip back into hell over and over.

The smoke has cleared and two bodies are buried. Three are awaiting graves dug
by the others.

.end.

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