Creative Master, Stage III
by Indira Neill


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Band/Pairing: Pierrot/Kirito, Jun, and Aiji in various combinations.
Comments: And so we have nearly come to the colse of the series. I hope you all realized
that this was going to be a one shot. Now it appears to have nine parts with a final
spiecal Takeo pov. ('Takeo is the little voice in my head that say's everyone else is on 
crack!' ~ Me about three weeks ago.) But this one is Aiji. And I dispise writing for Aiji.

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The scars across my chest never healed. Nor will they ever since now I finally know I am
dying. It's been, what? Three years? Four years? Ten? Hell, I can't remember. All I can 
remember is the pain. That it could have been me dead in those once white sheets. It 
would have been me. Luckily, I knew when Kirito told me to get out he ment it. And I 
left. But had I stayed. If I had stayed we would still have Kohta. I never really got to
know him. Funny, you're with someone in a band for so long. I never knew his hopes and
dreams. I never knew what he wanted out of life. I doubt Kirito knew. It seems so unfair.
But now I'm dying as well. From what Takeo tells me Jun isn't so great either. 

I still love him. I wish I could hold him, tell him everything will be ok. I wish I could tell myself
everthing would be ok. Three years, that sounds right. In three years things haven't been
alright. I've been alone. Alone because I could never go back to Jun. I don't deserve him.
I can't help but blame myself for what happened. Jun didn't want me. But I wanted to make
him want me, make him need me. I needed it when he had Kirito all along. And it wasn't
untill too late when I realized that Jun would never love me. It was too late and I had no
intention on giving up. There still could have been hope.

Why then, why did I go to Kirito's that night? I told myself at the time I needed revenge on
him. I needed to show him how weak he was. But in the end I was the one pressed to the
bed gasping for air as he lapped at my wounds. I'm not a masochist, and I'm not just saying
that because people say it's wrong. I couldn't give a fuck about what other people think about
me at this point. But my body, my body is too weak to take any sort of pain and I don't like
it. But at the same time, I have to admit my body betrayed me. It acted as if it liked it but my
mind kept saying no. My mind was fighting my body and losing badly. That's what drove Kirito
on, what drove Jun on. Really, can a sadist get any pleasure from tourturing a pure masochist?
If the other person is getting pleasure form the pain, is it really pain then? Or is it that conflict
between mind and body they are looking for? That look in someone's eyes where they can't
help but enjoy it no matter how much they want it to stop. Maybe that's why they both enjoyed
me so much. They enjoyed me more then each other because their mind and body agree on
the impact pain has on them. It's so unusual to think about. But it really doesn't make any sense
to me. I'm not sure if I really want it to make sense to me, but still, I'm curious about why my
body could betray my mind so easliy. Why I could do nothing to stop it. But even if I could
have stopped it, I'm not sure weather or not I would have. That's what scares me the most.
Being in control but not using the control I've been given. Sadists don't work well with masochists.

Funny, even though I'm dying I'm thinking about the trivial things in life. Perhaps I should think
of god. I never was a religious person. I'm not one now. But I always believed in God. And
I hope that's enough. But still, god seems as trivial a subject as any. I'm just trying to find some
comfort somewhere. Takeo is the one now to hold me and tell me everything is ok. That
I'll be ok. God, I know he does it for Jun too. I don't know how he keeps this up. After all
these years. I asked him once and he jokingly said he was supposed to be the father
figure and he'd be damned if he didn't take care of us. I really wonder if he's ever fallen in
love. Although now I feel like it's not worth it. I could have just been friends with them all and
everything would have been just fine. No one would have gotten hurt. I could have kept a 
nice girlfriend. We could have gotten married and had little screwed up children, it could
have been great.

It's borring here, laying in bed all day, haveing tests done. More tests and a bit of food
then a few more tests. Although they've been testing less since I asked them. I'm ready
to die. I know I'm going to hell so at least I can see Kirito again. Tell him that I never
blamed him. I would have done the same in his position. It's just human nature, right?
And if I could see Kohta again, I would want to get to know him better. But I don't
know if even though I'm ready to die, if I really want to die. As much as I hate it
here, I want to get better too. I want to try again and not be such a screw up this time.

It's raining. I feel as if it's been raining since I joined Pierrot. But even with all the rain, it
wasn't untill now I felt I was drowning. Pierrot never disbanded. Well, when you lose
two band members like that, it's kind of hard to go on. So I guess it was assumed. I kept
playing though. Kept on writing music. But Kirito would never be there to complete it. 
I played up untill a few months ago when I was brought here. Up untill I started dying.

I don't try to sugar coat anything anymore. I'm dying and I know it. But I also want
to get better. And I keep repeting these ideas in my head. I'm dying but I want to
get better, I'm dying but I will get better, I'm ready to die but I'm going to live.

Takeo is there right? At least its something. I realize how hard he tried. He asked me
once if I wanted to see Jun again. Jun is sick too. He's sick but he's far from dying. I
told Takeo I didn't want him to see me. I'm so thin now, even more then before. And I
know I look pale. If he ever had any feelings about me, I don't want them to resurface,
I don't want him to see me like this. But if I do see him, and he does have some sort of
reaction to seeing me. It will be all the more reason for me to live. I need to live. I need
a reason to live. I am living.

The unfinished songs are in a notebook, back in my apartment. Everything is there,
I even worked out the drum parts. But I couldn't write lyrics, that's what Kirito is for.
It would be plain and simple betral if I wrote lyrics, because even now that's Kirito's
job. Because I'm still part of a group, I'm still only part of Pierrot. Is that why I can't
see Jun? Because then I'll know it's over. This was all Jun's plan. A perfect little toy
he wound up then set on its own direction. This was Jun's dream before any of
us were invovled. And to have your one dream shattered like that. Jun lost so much
that night. His band, his love, his last bit of innocence. As much as Jun believed Kirito
was the leader, we all knew it was Jun's band. We would have split up and gone
or seperate ways years ago, years before. But Jun kept us all together. We would
never have made it without him. Never. And it was all taken away. Everything he 
had worked his whole life to get. It was all gone in one single night. 

The scars, I'm afraid of them because I can see clearly they're still there. I have
nightmares where they bleed again. And I bleed onto the hospital bed sheets.
Nothing can stop the bleeding. It's so frightening. But when I wake up there is
no blood anywere. I can taste it in my mouth but there is no blood. But I can
taste it. I think I'm going crazy but I feel more sane then I ever have in my whole
life. I feel sanest when I know I'm not in control. Because if I'm not in control there
is nothing I can do to control anything anyway so I can take the time to understand
what is happening to me.

I can see outside from the window in my room. I can watch the change of seasons
and children playing. Small bandaged dying children. But they look happy 
because they know they are loved. They know they are still alive. They don't
know if they'll be alive tomorow or the next day or the next. But they are alive
in this moment in time and maybe that's all that's importaint. Their parents come
and give them little candies and toys. They play with each other. They are happy.
None of them will live long enough to feel most things. But they have felt and
therefore they matter in this world. They don't know they matter but they do.
In fact, they don't need to know they matter to be happy. They'll never know
what a masochist is. Nor will they question what that really means. In the end
they will have learned very little. But they would have learned that they lived
and that is enough for them. That is enough for me.

to final chapter

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