Author's notes: I'm so sorry. I think I've changed my mind on
terminating this fanfic. So, all the same, I hope that you guys will enjoy this.

Disclaimers: All characters inside do not belong to me. They are real
people and they belong to themselves. I'm really, really sorry for using
you guys as victims in my fanfics but I have no choice! *bows before
DEG members*


Date started: 310102



Part one:

{ y o u  h u r t  y o u r s e l f  t o  h u r t  m e }



He had been standing at the roof-top for almost a day since Toshiya
jumped off. Something within himself twisted terribly when he saw that
broken, yet happy look on the bassist's face. He knew that it was his
fault... but none of the others had blamed him at all. They were all
blaming themselves, saying that they should have noticed Toshiya's depressive
streak lately. That they should have been more caring towards him. That
they all should have listened to him when he wanted to talk.

None of them said: It's your fault that Toshiya tried to kill himself.

And this only made his guilt worse. Because he _knew_ that it was his
fault. He had spent hours after that, staying where he was, rooted to
that spot. He had leaned out over the edge of the roof in a desperate
attempt to grasp Toshiya's hand, but just like in the movies, their
fingers tangled before the other started hurtling towards the ground. Staring
at the stain Toshiya's blood made on the concrete floor, he could feel
it widening until it covered his vision totally. And that was all he
could think of: Toshiya's blood and his sin. The image of the bassist's
body, lying broken so far below kept haunting his mind endlessly like a
broken film set on replay. It had hurt... so much that he wanted to
simply lean over and fall too. To feel what Toshiya had felt as he soared
through the air, then hit the asphalt. To know what Toshiya actually
wanted from all these. Respite, release, or a longer period of pain and
suffering?

Somehow, with Toshiya's suicide attempt, everything had become very
clear. So crystal clear and sharp that it had cut deeply into his mind and
soul. So sharp that all it could do was injure. He could simply close
his eyes and those images of sin and decadence would surface in his mind
like the taunting laughter of Fortune. Laughing at him endlessly for
his mistakes. Ridiculing him for his choices. Thwarting him in his
attempt to shake free from the iron fist of the past. Emphasising on
everything about himself which he hated feverently.

His wrongness.

His guilt.

His selfishness.

"Toshiya..." He buried his face in his hands, scrunching his eyes shut
as if in pain. "I'm so sorry..."

Now, all he wanted to do was reach out and cradle that broken body
close. To smell the sweet scent of his hair again. Feel the gentle hands
tending to his hair. Taste the soft lips. Touch the smooth creamy skin.
But all he could recall was...

...pale skin that was dyed crimson...

...cold and empty lips...

...lifeless hands...

...the scent of death lingering in the long blue locks.

He leaned forward just a little bit more and he could feel the heel of
his left foot leaving the ground. Vertigo assaulted him as he kept
staring at the brown stain so far below; it looked like a spot of blemish
on the pure white of the concrete sidewalk.

Just a bit more...

Suddenly, hands grabbed him from behind and yanked him back roughly.
Purple hair flew in the air, mixed with a fiery red.

"Don't be stupid! I'm sure that Toshiya doesn't want you to do that
too!"

"But..." He was curling into himself like a wounded animal, pressing
his hands to his ears as tears started to flow from his eyes. "If it
isn't for me..."

"Stop."

He shook his head violently. "It's my fault! Why can't you see? It's
all my fault! I am the one who drove him to this edge! I might as well
push him off this place myself!"

Arms were grabbed and shook roughly; their owner looked like a broken
doll the way his head rolled from side to side as if unhinged. "Wake up!
Toshiya may be seriously injured, but he's not dead yet! Why are you so
despondent even before the results are out?"

Silence grew until it was a loud buzz in their ears.

He hung his head, his features all filled with pain. "Is it too late to
say this to him now?" The guilty one whispered, tears still leaking
from his eyes.

Puzzled eyes regarded the crying pair. "Too late to say what?"

"I love you, Toshiya..."


-----


There were so many tubes linked up to him.

Shinya was starting to feel scared while watching Toshiya lie there
helpless on the hospital bed. His usually fair face was now several shades
paler and the veins were apparent on his face. Shinya knew that if
Toshiya was awake, he would be complaining about the visible veins, the
ugly looking tubes and the awful thing stuck down his throat.

But Toshiya was not awake.

All he did was lie there with his eyes closed, breathing with the aid
of a respirator.

"Shinya..." Kyo's voice was soft, unlike his usual grunt self. There
were worry lines around his eyes, and Shinya knew that among all of them,
Kyo was probably the most worried one. When Toshiya first joined Dir en
grey, he had to stay with Kyo due to certain housing problems. Though
the both of them are distinctively different, they had grown incredibly
close during that brief period. Until now, the two of them were as
close as brothers; therefore, Toshiya's suicide had shaken Kyo badly.

Though Dir en grey seemed like an extremely eccentric group which did
things the norm couldn't accept at all, they were still, after all,
human. There was a limit to what they could do, however strange. At the end
of the day, they were still a bunch of rather strange musicians who
wanted to earn their keep and spread a bit more realism around with their
music. They could still love, find a partner and do things which all
normal people did.

Now, Toshiya's chance to do all these was curtailed.

Shinya looked up when Die walked in, with Kaoru beside him. The
red-haired guitarist looked as though he had just been though hell, and, from
the drummer's point of view, he ought to be the one burning in hell.
Before Toshiya started dating Die, none of these things had happened
before. Shinya noticed that soon after Toshiya and Die started dating, the
bassist was smiling less and less, and often sport bruises. But he kept
his mouth shut on these observations and Toshiya never offered to tell,
so he left things the way they were. He knew he should have acted on
his haunch when he felt that something was wrong. And now... it was all
too late.

He never guessed that Toshiya would use such a desperate attempt to
escape.

Now that he had the time to seriously think about this, Shinya realised
that everyone was an escapist, in one way or another. Die escaped from
the problems in his relationship with Toshiya by either abusing the
latter, or ignoring the bassist totally. Kaoru had a tendency to do
strange things that would get him away from the source of his problems, and
there was no known pattern in his doings. As for Kyo... the vocalist
would just suddenly disappear for no good reason. For himself... he
guessed he escaped from all these problems with his day-dreams. He often
dreamt that he was away from all these problems, away from Toshiya's all
too apparent pain, away from Die's denial and violence. Away from Kaoru's
over domineering character and away from all the strangeness Kyo
personified.

He would dream that he was in the perfect band with the perfect band
members. And he himself, too, would be perfect. He would actually settle
for nothing less. And he didn't want to face reality, which could be so
harsh and cruel to everyone, especially him.

"Shinya..." The drummer looked up and saw Die watching him worriedly.
"I'm sorry..."

Shinya closed his eyes briefly, and when he finally spoke, it was
almost like dropping a stone into a well.

"Telling it to me is a moot point, Die."

"The only person you should be saying that to now is currently lying
over there in a comatose state, unaware of the world. He probably doesn't
even want to wake up because it will mean seeing _you_ again."

"Shinya, I-"

"It's too late, Die."

A frown appeared between Shinya's eyebrows and he narrowed his eyes at
the red-haired guitarist.

"You are always too late."


End: one
next reason?


Date completed: 010202
Date revised: 040202
 

to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3