two:

{ y o u r e x i s t e n c e i s m y p a i n }



"I'm sorry..." Die couldn't stop whispering the apology over and over again. After Shinya left the hospital, Die had taken over Shinya's former position, which was beside the bed. Kyo was watching Die with a strange look in his eyes, and Kaoru was dozing on the couch beside him.

Finally, the vocalist stood up and walked over to where Die was sitting. The guitarist was holding Toshiya's hand in his as though it was spun of glass and not flesh and blood. "Die."

Die looked up, a haunted look in his eyes. He looked so tortured that Kyo sighed and reached over gently to enfold the guitarist in a soft embrace. "It's not your fault, Die... all of us should have seen this coming."

"But-" Die choked, tears filing his eyes. "If I have never dated him..."

"He would have done the same thing anyway." Kyo could feel Die stiffen in his arms at that revelation. "Can't you see? The both of you have already gone over the edge. He loves you too much to spare himself from the torture you inflict on him. In a way, Toshiya is masochistic, because he believed that his pain could somehow make you happy."

"Did it? Did his pain make you happy, Daisuke?"

Die closed his eyes slowly, relaxing into Kyo's embrace. "No... It never did."

"The both of you are so foolish, but I think I'm even more foolish than the two of you added up together."

"Kyo?"

"Maybe... one day, when the time is right, I'll tell you the reason why. For now, telling it to you will not help matters at all."

The two of them remained in that position, with Kyo stroking Die's hair gently in a soothing manner. When the vocalist gazed down about ten minutes later, he saw that Die had already fallen asleep. Even while in slumber, he was still holding Toshiya's hand tightly. Kyo released the guitarist gently, then placed his head on the bed, so that he'd be more comfortable.

"Maybe there's still hope for the two of you..."

With that enigmatic sentence, Kyo left the room quietly, stealing one last glance of Kaoru's sleeping face before the door clicked shut.


-----


Kaoru watched Die carefully as he sat beside Toshiya's bed, still holding the bassist's fragile-looking hand in his. He was running his thumb repeatedly over the back of Toshiya's hand, in an almost mindless gesture to reassure. Although who he was actually reassuring... it was anybody's guess.

When Kaoru had woken up, Kyo was already gone. Kaoru tried calling the vocalist on his cell phone, but nobody picked it up. When he called Kyo's home number, his grandmother muttered something about the vocalist having not been home for the past two days. Just as he was about to panic, Kyo called him and said he was staying over at Shinya's house for the time being.

"Toshiya..." Die murmured before bringing the hand up to his lips. "Will you forgive me? You know the truth all along..."

"The reason behind whatever torture I inflicted on you. The cause of our conflict... and your sorrow."

Die sighed, then reached over to brush the hair back from Toshiya's forehead gently. Most of the bassist's head was wrapped in gauze, but the locks above his temple were left alone, flopping over the smooth brow. "You are so beautiful... even in slumber. Do you know that there were nights where I would sit beside you in bed and watch you sleep? And those were the moments where I would feel the pinch... when I saw those marks on you... all caused by me..."

Kaoru retreated from the room quietly, feeling as though he was intruding in a private moment between Die and Toshiya. Despite all these, there was a nagging thought at the back of his mind. How then, could Die hurt Toshiya? If he really loved and cared for him, how could he bear to hurt the other?

Right when Kaoru had walked far enough that Die's voice couldn't reach him, the red-haired man murmured something which would have changed the bandleader's perspective totally.

"Toshiya, you do know why all these happened to you... right?"

"It's all my fault..."

"...because I couldn't stop loving Kaoru."


-----


Kyo wanted to sink into himself. To be lost within the screaming voices inside and never return again. Too many people were screaming for him to help them. Too many hands reaching out for his. And among all that chaos, all that confusion, only Toshiya was standing quietly by the side, smiling at him.

Kyo wanted to reach out for the bassist, who seemed to only retreat further whenever he thought he was near enough to touch the other's hand.

"Totchi..."

[I'm happy.] Toshiya mouthed, still smiling.

"No! This is all a lie!"

[Kyo...]

"Please come back to us, Toshiya!"

[You know I have to go... eventually.]

"No!"

And suddenly, the scene changed to the all too familiar one where Toshiya was falling. Flying would be a better description. But what Kyo couldn't bring himself to admit to was the fact that even while descending, Toshiya was smiling.

Smiling ever so gently.

His eyes closed. Body hurtling through the still air. Frozen in time. Suspended in eternity.

Then, with antagonising slowness, Toshiya hit the ground-

-and shattered.


-----


Toshiya remembered.

The very first time he talked to Die, a man who seemed so fierce and thorny outside, yet ever so gentle inside. From the first moment he met Die, he knew that his life would never be the same again.

And Toshiya was right.

Die was everything he wanted. He was funny, he cared for the people around him, and although his jokes could be cruel at times, he knew that Die never meant to hurt. Even during those interviews, when he would gang up with Kaoru and tease Shinya mercilessly. Sometimes, Toshiya wished that he was the one who was teased instead. At least, this would mean that Die had noticed his existence.

But even before he could approach the red-haired guitarist to confess his own feelings, the other had came to him. For the briefest of moments, Toshiya thought that Die finally noticed him, noticed his love, and was ready to accept it.

Then his hopes shattered.

And while Die confessed his love for Kaoru, Toshiya was in pure agony. Although he kept smiling at Die encouragingly, within, something was slowly dying.

He had wanted to die then. The pain... it was almost intolerable. To see Die talk about another man with so much love in his eyes...

That was one of the reasons why Toshiya never turned down the offers of fan service which he was supposed to do with Kaoru on stage. He wanted to prove to Die that Kaoru didn't love him at all... couldn't love him at all. In the bandleader's eyes, Die would always be his best friend. And being his best friend was all Die could ever manage to be in his whole life. Toshiya knew that he was acting terribly vindictive... but he also knew that in order to achieve happiness for himself, he had to be selfish and cruel.

There was no other way.

Die finally gave up when Kaoru started dating Kyo. Strange little Kyo, whom nobody ever knew what was going on in his head. Nobody had seen this coming... but it was obvious that Kaoru loved the vocalist.

And Toshiya finally got his wish. His desire was fulfilled. Die was his... totally his. And that was when things started to go downhill so rapidly; Toshiya found that he was choking as time passed. Die became cruel towards him... but he let him, in order to atone for all those times where he had spite the red-haired guitarist unwittingly.

Their love turned cruel and painful, until in the end, he lost Die to the pain within himself.

And in the end, he lost himself too.

Now... he was wandering between worlds, afraid of returning to a place where he wouldn't be accepted. He knew that he had finally won Die over. But was it all worthwhile now? Was anything worthwhile now?

Maybe death was the only solution.

Trapped within his convoluted thoughts, Toshiya continued lying unconscious on the hospital bed, adamant about not opening his eyes.

Unaware of the changes that had occurred within Toshiya's mind, Die continued waiting.


End: two
next reason?


Date completed: 200202
Date revised: 030302

to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3