three:

{ t w i s t e d  l o v e ;  b r o k e n  m i n d s }



Shinya had been observing Kyo for the past hour and the vocalist didn't
move an inch. Or even blink once. All he did was sit there and stare
into empty space, while his fingers trace strange designs on his thighs.
And then, he was trembling ever so faintly...

Kyo had come over to Shinya's home to check on him, since the drummer
wasn't acting like himself when he was at the hospital. The moment the
vocalist queried Shinya on his problems, the younger man had broken down
totally. And as bits and pieces of the truth came tumbling out- truth
which nobody suspected or guessed -Kyo had grown progressively quiet
while Shinya simply got more hysterical. The vocalist only stopped Shinya
and tried to calm him down when he was bordering on attempting to do
grievous bodily harm to himself.

And now, Kyo was the one brooding instead.

"Kyo?"

The smaller man looked up suddenly, eyes wide.

"I've been wrong all along, Shinya."

"Wrong?"

"Die... Die loves Toshiya. All along, he loves him..."

"Die... and Toshiya? What are you talking about, Kyo? Die doesn't love
Toshiya at all! If he did, why would he hurt him every time? Does it
give him some perverse pleasure to see Toshiya cry? If what you said is
true, that means he has to hurt the person he loves in order to show
that he loves him... and that is _not_ love."

"Don't you understand?" Kyo gave an exasperated little sigh. "Can't you
see? All those bruises, markings... they signify that Toshiya belongs
to him."

At this, Shinya seemed to get angrier. "That's even worse! It simply
means that he treats Toshiya as a possession and nothing else! Something
to own!"

"Shinya..." Kyo began softly, reaching over to take the other's much
larger hands in his, letting Shinya finally calm down with his strangely
soothing touch. "Die has been a very confused man... do you understand
what I'm saying? He loves Toshiya too much. And because of that, he
gets scared... he's losing control over Toshiya and he doesn't want that
to happen. Abusing Toshiya seems to be the only way to convince himself
that he, in fact, doesn't love him at all. Yet at the same time, those
marks brand Toshiya as his, if you look at it in another manner. They
are used to tell the world to back off; they can't touch him. That
regardless of how little he cares or loves Toshiya, he is still Die's."

"No..." Shinya shook his head slowly with a disbelieving look on his
face. "That's not true."

Meanwhile, Kyo carried on as though he didn't hear Shinya's reply at
all. "That means I've done all these for nothing..."

"What?" The drummer's head jerked up when he heard the strange
statement from Kyo.

"No-nothing." Kyo gave Shinya a bland smile, then stood up. He turned
to gaze at Shinya, his head tilted to one side. There was a long moment
of uncomfortable silence between the two of them before Kyo finally
spoke again, his words bringing back bad memories for the drummer. "Are
you feeling better now?"

"No."

"Brooding over it will never work, you know."

"I know." Shinya paused, then clenched the hem of his shirt tight in a
nervous manner. "But what if it is really because of me... then it will
be all my fault! I'll be the one who caused Toshiya to be in this
state..."

"Shinya..."

"But-but-" Shinya had already paled several shades by then, feeling the
familiar taste of nausea starting from the pit of his stomach.
Everything which he had been trying so hard to forget moments ago came rushing
back in a torrent of unshakable memories. Everything which started this
whole mess. Every single thing which shouldn't have happened at all.
"If Die hadn't seen me with Toshiya... He wouldn't have left him. If I
hadn't taken advantage of Toshiya when he was drunk..."

Instead of looking at Shinya, Kyo was staring out of the apartment
window when he spoke. "It's not your fault, Shinya."

Shinya went on, unhearing. "I'm such a bastard, ain't I? There is no
way to deny the fact that Toshiya loves Die so much... and I know it. I
knew that he loves Die enough to die for him, even. And I have to do
that. I have to attempt to create a rift in their relationship... I wanted
so much to squeeze into that tiny space between them... to separate
them. To make Toshiya realise that other than Die, there are still other
people around who love him. And what did I get in the end?"

His self-depreciating laughter seemed too loud and false in the
otherwise silent room. "Nothing."

"Nothing at all! Toshiya wasn't even calling my name!"

At this, Shinya started to sink back into his couch, burying his face
in his hands as tears started to flow. "He wasn't calling my name,
Kyo..."

The vocalist reached over to hold the drummer in his small arms, trying
to lessen his pain, if that was possible at all. "Hush... everything
will be fine..."

"He didn't call my name at all..." Shinya continued brokenly, his eyes
vacant as he stared at his silent television. "Kyo..."

"Toshiya was calling Die's name."


-----


/-/
Toshiya let Kaoru lick him on his neck, his eyes darting over to Die's
section of the stage. Although the rhythm guitarist's head was bowed
and his long red haired covered his face totally, Toshiya could feel the
burning gaze. He could feel Die's anger.

The bassist gave a victorious little smirk.

Turning to face Kaoru, Toshiya wrinkled up his nose cutely and stuck
his tongue out at the former, who grinned in reply. The smouldering look
from the bassist's left seemed to only intensify. Toshiya then slide
his hips against Kaoru's in a distinctively seductive way, and finally
moved away.

The scorching look from behind him never faded for a single moment
until the end of the concert.

As the members of Dir en grey slowly plodded backstage, Toshiya was
aware of Die following close behind. They were the last two walking behind
the rest and right before they entered their common changing room, Die
made a grab for Toshiya's arm, dragging the unresisting bassist off to
a part of the darkened backstage.

Toshiya closed his eyes and felt the anticipated slap on his face. He
head snapped sharply to one side due to the impact, and he let out a
soft sigh, as though the worst that could happen to him was already over.
Before the bassist could even open his eyes, he felt Die's lips on his,
demanding and bruising. Toshiya let himself sink into the kiss, feeling
Die wrapped his arms around his body tight as he was crushed against
the other's sweaty body.

"Don't do that before me ever again, Toshiya." Die growled into the
dazed bassist's ear when he finally pulled away from the other. Toshiya
was bleeding from a cut on his lower lip as Die had bitten him rather
vehemently earlier on. Die suddenly pressed his lips against Toshiya's
forehead in a strangely gentle manner before turning to nip the latter's
earlobe hard. The guitarist licked the fresh wound lightly, then took
Toshiya's earring between his teeth and tugged on it, talking softly as
he did so. "I don't want to see you touching Kaoru ever again, be it on
stage or off. I don't care if he asked you to do fan service with him.
I don't care if anybody asks you to do fan service with them in the
future. DON'T do it. Especially Kaoru. If I see you near him again, you
won't be getting only a slap from me, Totchi. I'll be breaking whatever
limb you have used to touch him. I'll make you regret every single thing
you do on the stage. You hear me?"

Die continued licking and biting on Toshiya's neck, observing with a
type of perverse fascination as bruises formed and blood clotted in some
of the deeper wounds. The bassist finally murmured a breathless
affirmative when he felt that he couldn't take the intoxicating mixture of
pain and pleasure anymore.

"Good."

And that was all Die said before he left Toshiya. The latter bit his
own lip hard, his mouth filling with the coppery taste of fresh blood as
the wound reopened.

"Die-kun..."

And the tears began to flow.
/-/


-----


Die was dozing quietly beside Toshiya when the sounds coming from the
EEG machine changed. They picked up their pace as the frequency of the
beeps increased, but even then, Toshiya's face remained sedated.

Kaoru had already left the hospital since a couple of hours ago to look
for Kyo.

Within the quiet room, the mechanical sounds seemed to only grow louder
and louder, until they echoed around the tiny white space in a stifling
manner. Die frowned, then opened his eyes, sitting up straight to gaze
at Toshiya, who was still sleeping on the bed, his face tranquil.

"Totchi...?"

A couple of fingers twitched, and Die grabbed Toshiya's hand almost
immediately. Pressing Toshiya's limp hand against his face, Die prayed
hard that what he saw was not an illusion. He hoped that he wasn't
hallucinating. He really hoped that Toshiya would-

Eyelashes fluttered. A pair of liquid brown eyes opened groggily, then
turned to focus at Die.

"Totchi?"

"Die-san?" Toshiya murmured, his voice slurred and roughened from
disused. "Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital... don't worry, everything will be fine." Die
couldn't help but let his tears flow. There was so little which he could
do otherwise. He was so preoccupied with the fact that Toshiya was
awake that he never noticed the strange way the latter addressed him.

"Why am I here?"

"Toshiya?" Die frowned then. Something was not quite right. "What was
the last thing you recall, Toshiya?"

The bassist frowned as though in deep thought, then finally murmured,
his voice no longer scratchy. "I can't remember... Didn't I just arrive
at Tokyo? I was supposed to move my stuff to Kyo-san's home..."

"No..." Die's eyes widened and he shook his head slowly, disbelief
filling his face.

"No? But... I've only just joined Dir en grey. I'm so sorry that this
has to happen now, Die-san... I know that Kaoru-san wants to rush for
the new single, but my health has never been good. I must have passed out
during practice, haven't I? I should have brought my medication along
to the office... I’m so sorry..." Toshiya continued rambling on, upset.
He was totally oblivious to Die’s reactions, and the latter seemed to
only grow more distraught as time passed.

The guitarist closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands, denial
filling his mind. "It's all my fault... I'm so sorry, Toshiya... I'm so
sorry..."

The bassist finally stopped talking, puzzled. "Die-san?"

Die didn't reply but started crying instead. Toshiya could only sit
there and stare at the crying man, bewildered and helpless. Within his
subconscious, something slowly retreated to the recess of his mind out of
self-preservation. There was too much pain and sorrow in those
memories. So much so that his current fragile state of mind wouldn’t be able to
accept it at all. Therefore, the human brain, when faced with such a
dilemma, would choose to forget. That was the best solution.

The only solution.

Hazy thoughts finally cleared, and for the briefest of moments, Toshiya
fancied that he could remember the distinct sensation of flying in the
air and hitting the ground like an abandoned doll.

And then... even those scorching memories had begun to fade.


End: three
next reason?


Date completed: 190302
Date revised: 230302
 

to be continued

back to deg fics pg 3