Author: Maharet

Band: Dir en grey ~somehow~

Archive/mirror: Ok…

Comments: This fic’s dedicated to 2 persons i really adore, first than anything to Arna, and second to Yukio Mishima, i know this last one’s useless and he’s never gonna know it, but still…

This fic’s totally weird and it’s a trip inside my head so…

Maharet~  

It’s snowing…i never thought i was going to see it..not here.

It’s a miracle they said..but they don’t know …

It’s not a miracle, divinity has nothing to do with it..

It’s just a gift……

Just for me.

And i don’t care, i’m thankful for the beauty.

The only thing i still feel…

maybe it ain’t warm, but in my world nothing is.

And in beauty i don’t need it to be..

I can melted just for pleasure in cold..

At the end cold and heat ‘re just the same, the secret’s just in the concentrations..

The ice can burn so much as the most bright flame.

"u’re late"

"I’m sorry but it’s snowing so hard, all the streets are blocked, i had to walk here"

Aesthetic, at the end that’s everything…

Someday, maybe someday ppl’ll see it..

But i won’t be here.

I’m not gonna stay to find out for how long they can tolerate their own ignorance.

I’m gonna fly away from here…swimm…run.

Maybe there’s no need for me to do that..

Yeah…i can writte, as long as i can writte i can travel through words..

But since i’m words then i won’t travel through them..i can’t get away through my own self…

"I don’t mind…u’re here and that’s all i care, i just wanted to see it with u, seat under a tree and stare at the sky…" i said taking a deep breath.

U’re so gorgeous..

Maybe i’m lost already,

And with me lost beauty itselfs it’s lost.

"Snow?? It’s so beautiful..it’s the first time i see it u know" he smiled sweetly.

dependence…

what’s that??

If i depended of u, then i’m nothing anymore..

Cuz i lost myself in ur eyes, in ur voice…

And then this moment means nothing and everything’s darkness.

Cuz u’re here with just a ghost..

"u’re the one who’s beautiful…each moment i can share with u is pure aesthetic and pleasure…"

share….

We share??

If beauty is the only thing left in this existence of pain to make us conscious of poetry…that still remains in this world…aesthetic…chaos

Everything’s the same and since that’s completly impossible the contradiction lead us irremediably to the thought, the conclution that if impossible’s nothing, non existence..

Then everything’s the same, and that’s nothing.

"come let’s seat under that tree" he said taking my hand and leading me to the big pine in the

middle of nowhere.

But u’re here, and u’re real..

So then this can’t be the non existence…

Cuz’ u re.

"can u feel it?? That must be death haunting us" i held his hand tightly in mine…feeling it.

there’s nothing else in this world..

just the two of us staring into the inmense sky.

But if i can feel the cold…

Snow melting against my congealed skin..

Evolving into water falling for my cheeks..

Then that means that snow’s here too..

snow exist in our reality

"Death’s in love with u…" he said smiling sadly, just in the moment that a snowflake melt at the touch of his warm and sweet lips.

U’re everything.

U just appeared one day and became everything…

But it was like that since the first moment..

So u didn’t became u just are.

"i’m in love with u" i said changing my position, now i was seated under the tree…and he was laid next to me still staring at the sky with his beautiful empty eyes.

I don’t understand anything.

But that’s how’s supposed to be…

Human nature.

The thing’s that no matter how much i think and try to figure everything out…

At the end, it’s always non sense and nothing else.

Darkness.

But darkness is darkness.

So even that comparison is a mistake.

There’s something wrong…

"u know, that can’t be possible Kaoru…" he seated slowly…looking straight into my meaningful eyes.

It can’t be possible?? Once again just as everything..

But i knew it.

Why???

"Totchi??…" i approached him and caressed his cheek lovingly.

So warm…

Unlike me.

I knew the day will came when i was going to have to ask.

"I’m sorry…" his empty eyes were now filled, with tears…and something else.

Meaning…maybe.

He is…

"Now i’m gonna ask u the reason, right?? why??" i closed my eyes…there was something inside me…something completly strange to me before.

What’s this??

I feel…so i am??

But if u’re everything than i know it’s impossible for me to be.

" This is the farewell i guess, i don’t need to tell u anything cuz u already know everything u need to know" he said before he placed his soft lips upon mine’s cold ones..

it’s the most beautiful feeling..

i feel……. I truly love.

This first and last kiss…in my brief existence.

He parted painfully.

"I know it’s impossible but…i love u too" he said leaving me there under the big pine in the middle of nowhere.

So i never was…

But i still can writte, musicians are the most underestimated ppl

But at the end we’re the actual poets…we bring peace and love to the ppl that is…and also to the ones that aren’t…we give them meaning through our music, some of them see it others don’t.

I think i don’t need to writte anymore, i don’t have to run, swimm nor fly.

It was obvious from the beggining if i wasn’t and he was everything, than i was just part of him…

Same concept as god and mankind, that if i would believe in god.

Everybody needs someone.

Suddenly i realize that something just fell for my cheek..

Tears??

But if i don’t exist then how come i can cry…

It doesn’t matter anymore, reality changed..

Evolved and i don’t belong anymore.

Not that i ever did…..

Just becuz of him.

Why should i stop my tears??

They flow so beautifully,

Caressing my cheeks

Softening my soul

My soul…..

So it’s the end..

I finally am, is that the meaning of everything..?

It took form through love..or it was through pain??

My everything left me when i finally was…

But without him i’m nothing…

So when i finally was i ceased of exist.

What an irony…..

But that’s just life.

And now i see that if i know of life then i lived it somehow..

"I’m Kaoru guitarist of the band Dir en grey born at life today and killed at the same moment for the one who create me so many years ago…my lover and my everything, toshiya"

I say just in the moment i feel i’m vanishing…it’s not painful, just sweet and warm i feel peaceful and complete, meaningful..

With my last breath i raised my hand and brought it to my lips that everything kissed just moments ago, and i felt them warm…finally.

The end~