Title: Ohayougozaimasu, Totchi, kajitsu kanaderu, ne?: asobi janken...hiasobi (Good morning, Totchi,
beautiful day to play (An instrument), no?: playing rock-paper-scissors...playing with love?) 

Part Four

Author: Mana Crystal

Ah....not the last part...not yet.  Listen to hide’s “Tell me” GOOD SONG!! *nods with tears* hide.....*goes off to
blubber*

“Toshiya!  Pay Attention!  We only have two more days until the live and you’re bass is sounding more
and more like a thunk and a thump!”  Die growled out of the side of his mouth and glares at Toshiya,  Shinya
glared at Die, Kaoru glared at Shinya, Toshiya glared at Kaoru and Kyo threw his shoe’s at them and glared at
them all.
“Why don’t you shut up Die!”  Kyo drew his lips back and bared his teeth.  “You don’t glare at Die,”
Jabbing his finger at Shinya Kyo stomped his foot. “You don’t glare at Shinya” Kyo jabbed his finger at Kaoru,
“You stop glaring at Toshiya, and Totchi you stop glaring at Kaoru.  We all have to play in this live.  We can’t all
be jack ass’s.  Where does that leave the fan’s.  The band and everyone else who has put their hearts into Dir en
grey?  If you guys can’t relax and do good then why are we here?  Get it together by the live.  No practice until
then.”  With that Kyo turned on his heal and walked out.
“He’s right you know.”  Shinya muttered and got up walking out, leaving everyone else to stare at the
door.  With a small gulp of fear Toshiya decided he better get out of there.  Putting his bass down he walked as
normally as possible towards the door, but to his disappointment was intercepted by Die and Kaoru, who motioned
towards the sofa in the corner.  Turning he silently made his way to the couch and sat down.
“You know Totchi-CHAN, Die like’s Shinya...”  Kaoru said, speaking so softly that Toshiya wasn’t even
positive that he had heard him.
“Die-kun...you like Shinya?”  Toshiya asked looked down at his hands. .
“Hai.  I do.  Why does he like you?”  Die asked squatting down in front of Toshiya and peering up into the
other man’s face.
“I don’t know.”
“Does he like me?”
“H...hai.  He does, or did....or..something.”
“Well I think you should let Die find out if he still is in ‘love’ with him” Kaoru spoke up.  Toshiya raised
his eye’s to Kaoru’s and opened his mouth. 
“I think Kaoru’s right.  We wouldn’t want the band to lose a bassist after the live because of ‘musical’
jealously’s and difference’s...” Die said with a mean little smile.  (This could NEVER happen.  It is MY world.
Okay??  I know it’s totally OOC but...live with it.-MC) Toshiya snapped his eyes from Kaoru to Die staring at the
older man in horror.
“You wouldn’t...”  Toshiya whispered.
“We would.  We only want what’s right.  And before you messed with Shinya, he wanted Die.  And Die
wanted him.  They just couldn’t tell each other.  Stay away from Shin-kun.  He belongs with Die.”  Kaoru nodded
and stood up in time with Die and they turned and walked out carrying their guitar’s.  Toshiya stared at the door
for a long time.  Not really seeing it, but not ‘not’ seeing it either.  He didn’t know how long he sat there, staring at
the door before Shinya and Kyo walked in.
“Hey, Totchi, Die and Kaoru told us you might be here, you wanna go get a drink?”  Kyo asked from the
door.  Toshiya just shook his head dumbly and looked down at his shoes.
“Kyo, can I talk to you in private for a second??”  Toshiya asked closing his eyes against the tears that
threatened to spill over.
“Sure...Shin-kun wait outside the door for a sec, Kay?” Toshiya heard the door click and figured that
Shinya had left.
“So what’s up, Totchi?”  Kyo asked and sat down next to his on the couch.
“Die and Kaoru said if I didn’t get Shinya to be with Die...they would kick me out of the band...but I think
I’m falling in love with Shinya.  How can I do it?”  Toshiya mumbled and leaned against Kyo.
“They...what?”  Kyo growled and slid an arm around Toshiya. 
“I can’t believe it.  I thought....how could I ever....”  At that Toshiya started bawling.  Kyo sighed and
helped him up picking Toshiya’s bass he wrapped an arm around the other man and led him out of the building
with a worried Shinya right on their heals.  Kyo motioned for Shinya not to ask any questions and they went back
to the hotel.  When they got to their room Kyo opened the door to find Kaoru and Die sitting on the couch laughing
and talking watching an American music channel.  They both looked up and Kyo decided that Kaoru showed no
remorse and neither did Die.  Toshiya shuttered against Kyo and walked straight to his room, slamming the door
behind him, everyone could plainly hear the click of the door lock.  Kyo looked at Shinya who blinked and
shrugged walking into the kitchen.  Kyo sat next to Kaoru and Die and looked at the T.V.
“So...What’s wrong with Toshiya?”  Die asked, non-chantly.
“Ah....what happened to ‘Totchi-kun’, Die?  You a little peeved that the little pretty boy in there is a better
man then you are?”  Kyo sneered and pushed himself up walking into his own room.


Two days later in the last ten minutes before the live
(in the last two days Toshiya never exited his room unless everyone was gone.  When Shinya knocked on the door
Toshiya told him he didn’t think it was working and that he didn’t care for Shinya.  He had heard the younger man
sobbing in Die’s room later that night and heard the sounds of sex even across the hotel room. When everyone was
gone he did come out and eat.  But if anyone started opening the door he was back in his room before it opened
completely.  Kyo had attempted to pick the lock with no success and the only thing he heard from Die or Kaoru
was Die coming by after he had finished screwing Shinya with a note that read “Totchi, thanks.  Your still in the
band. ~Die-kun and Kaoru-kun” Now everyone was at the hall pacing back and forth wondering if the bassist
would leave them hanging.)


“Where is he?”  Die grumbled with his arms around Shinya.
“In his room?”  Kaoru shrugged.
“In the kitchen?” Shinya suggested.
“Killing himself.”  Kyo muttered and looked out at the waiting audience.
“Well....one minute...”  Die mumbled.  Suddenly the door burst open and Toshiya walked in.  He was
decked out in the costume and make-up, shoes, everything was done.  But everyone could tell he had bags under
his eyes and tear marks down his cheeks.
“Don’t worry, I’m here.  And the marks won’t show up under the stage lights.  At least I don’t think so.”
Toshiya stood back and looked out into the audience.  It took the group a moment to realize he was talking about
his arms.  Looking closer everyone saw they were heavily covered in make-up.  Upon closer scrutinizing they could
see about thirty to forty red angry looking slices covering the back of each arm.  Shinya recoiled into Die’s arms
and turned burying his face in the red head’s chest, Kyo looked a bit disturbed, Kaoru frowned and Die looked
physically ill.  With a tight grimace Toshiya ran on stage as they were introduced.  The others followed a bit less
enthusiastically. 
After the last encore Deg ran backstage and everyone turned to face Toshiya who was putting his bass into
the case and turning to leave.
“Hold it.  What’s with the cuts?”  Kyo growled.  Toshiya stopped and his shoulders tighten.  Standing up
and gripping the bass case tightly in one hand his shrug was forced.
“Nothing.  I have to go.  I’m really hungry.  I’ll see you guys tomorrow on the bus, hai?”  Toshiya walked
towards the door, when Kaoru’s hand flashed out and grabbed Toshiya’s wrist causing one of the slices to open and
blood to come dripping down Toshiya’s hand, who didn’t even flinch at Kaoru’s hand or the blood.
“No.  We need to know what’s up.”  Kaoru said quietly.  Toshiya spun around and pressed his nose almost
up to Kaoru’s.
“You need to fuck off Kaoru.  You too Die.  You both know very well what this is about.  And you need
me still.  You still fucking need me.  So you god damn well better stay the fuck away from me.  I did what you
wanted, now do me a favor and stay out of my life.  The only time I’m going to even talk to any of you is when I
have to.  You can all take a pill and stuff it up your ass’s.  I swear to god Die, Kaoru if either of you talk to me
about my cut’s or anything else I’m doing to myself I’ll tell Yoshiki to shove DEG straight to hell and quit.  Now
let me go, god damn you.”  Toshiya almost spit in Kaoru’s face as he ripped his arm away from the stunned
‘Leader-sama’ and stomped out the door.
“What did he mean you guy’s knew.  What happened?”  Shinya looked from Die to Kaoru then to Kyo
searching for an answer.  Getting none he sighed and feel back into Die’s arms. *This is what you wanted from the
beginning, Shinya.  Love Die.  That’s what you do.  Is love him.  He loves you right?.....right....?* *Toshiya...what
happened to you?  Die.....*


End of the Live Tour Thingy.  DEG’s heading home ^-^;;;


Toshiya sighed and threw his bag on his bunk on the bus.  Since the first live, no one beside’s Kyo had
spoken one word to him. *It’s lonely isn’t it ‘Totchi’ no friends, no lover, nothing.  How does it feel to be alone?*
With a small growl Toshiya sat on the bed and pulled out the straight edge razor he had been carrying around since
the first time he had cut himself. *You can’t do it can you Toshiya?  You can’t kill yourself.  No matter how much
you want it you can’t do it.  You’re pathetic.  You love Shinya, you like Kaoru still though, don’t you?  Yeah.  You
do.  I know you do.  You don’t though.* Pulling the razor against his skin Toshiya stared down as a new slice
opened up and blood began to ooze out of the cut.  It didn’t even hurt anymore.  Turning his wrist over he pressed
the razor to his main vein.
“One little pull of the wrist would end it.  All of it.  It would be over.  No one would care.  No one would
even miss you...”  Toshiya muttered to himself and then began to cry.  ‘But you can’t do it.  You love him.  You
actually love him.  And you can’t die if it would mean losing the sight of his eyes forever.”  Toshiya whimpered
and dropped the razor back into his bag laying down and curling up on his bunk falling asleep. He didn’t hear the
others come up and he didn’t feel Kyo and Shinya bandage his arm where the blood still flowed freely onto the
floor.

Waking a few hours later Toshiya found himself in de ja vu land.  It was night.  Everyone was asleep.
With a sigh he stood and stumbled down, over to the latter and then down.  Moving over he got out every drink he
could find and dumped it onto the couch.  Turning on some music Toshiya started drinking.  Before he knew it he
was drunk.  The bottles were all empty and he was sitting there staring out the dark window at the night sky as the
Bus moved closer and closer to home.  He knew it would take them at least two more days to get back.  But it
didn’t matter.  When they were back he only had to deal with a photo shoot the interview and the finishing touched
of the record, then it’s nothing but spa.  Even if he did have to be with the others. *I can either talk to Kyo, stay in
my room or do whatever I want.  Management is paying for it.  It’s not like we have to share a main room at the
spa.  We get our own room...this will be great...* Toshiya smiled and attempted to assure himself of this fact.

At the spa
I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna cover the week or so that I cut.  I’m being lazy...;-; but I need to finish this fic in case I
start losing interest.....bad.....okay?  So basically all that happens is Toshiya holes up in his and Kyo’s apartment,
continues cutting himself, showing up for things at the last minute and ignoring everyone except Kyo. And once in
a great while, Shinya. He’s getting more and more depressed with every passing day because Die and Shinya are
getting closer and closer.  But at the same time he has to deal with his emotions over Kaoru.  Though I haven’t
been being faithful to Kaoru and have kinda almost dropped him from the story, there will be a part here.
Anyway, Toshiya has managed to convince himself that if he can get to the spa everything will be okay. ^_^;;;


“Ohayou all! What’s up?”  Toshiya giggled and bounced onto the bus and waved at Die, Shinya, and
Kaoru who all looked at him in surprise.  Throwing himself down onto the floor of the bus Toshiya tried to bite
Kyo’s leg as he stepped over him to get on.  With a smile Kaoru reached over and poked Toshiya.
“Ohayou, Totchi-kun, you seem happy.” 
“YEP!  I finally get to get away from everything and go to the spa.  What a nice place to be at ne?  I can’t
wait.  I’m gonna be swimming by dinner.”  Toshiya laughed and got up plopping himself down into Kaoru’s lap.
Twining his arms around Kaoru’s neck Toshiya resting his head on the other man’s shoulder and yawned.  (Blink
blink goes Kaoru-MC)
“You’re....so much better.”  Die sighed happily and tightened his hold on Shinya. *Finally, I was getting
really worried* Die thought and kissed Shinya’s exposed shoulder.
“Yeah. I am.”  Toshiya forced a smiled and snuggled up falling asleep on Toshiya.  Kyo sighed and made
sure the second youngest was really asleep.
“Hey, Die go easy these next two and a half weeks.  You know you and Shinya have the room that
Toshiya’s shares a bathroom with....so no loudness okay....I don’t want him getting upset again. Got it?”  Kyo
looked at Die.
“Hai.  Got it.”  Die nodded but the promise was quickly forgotten as Shinya pressed his lips to Die’s.

As the bus pulled up to the spa Kaoru shook Toshiya awake and the younger one hoped of the bus and
grabbed his bags running in and registering.  Running to his room Toshiya ran through the sitting area of the room
and into the sleeping room before collapsing on the bed, smiling out the window *This is prefect.  You can forget
ALL about Shinya.* with a smile Toshiya began to unpack his stuff and then walked into the bathroom to look
around.  There was a tub and separate shower, a sink and a toilet. A huge mirror hung over the sink and counter
and Toshiya stood there staring into it. *my eye’s have sunken in from no sleep.  My arms look like a war zone,
I’m fat too....* Toshiya’s eyebrows shot up and he lifted his shirt to look at a perfectly flat stomach. *FATTY!*
With a frown he dropped the shirt and turned looking at a door across from his door.  Turning the knob and
opening the door he found Die and Shinya undressing each other.  They turned to look at him. 
“Eeepp!”  Toshiya squeaked and shut the door leaning against it and yelling through it. “SORRY!  I
DIDN’T KNOW I SHARED THIS BATHROOM....”  Toshiya sighed and stood up turning the water on in the
bath, he missed any reply that might have come from the other room.  Turning the water off and the Light as well
and putting some salts into the water he slid in and let his head lay back on the towel thing on the edge of the bath
(Yeah, they have those...I seen em.-MC) trying not to think of what he had seen was impossible. *I still feel it.  I
thought I would get over it.....But seeing him like that with Die....* Toshiya closed his eyes and sunk down into the
water not even bothering to try and stop the sleep that took firm hold of him.  As Toshiya slept Shinya came into
the bathroom and found the other man asleep in cold water.  Pulling out a towel and shutting the door to Die and
his room, Shinya walked over and drained the water to the tub.  After the water was gone Shinya wrapped a towel
around Toshiya and picked him up carrying him through the open door leading to Toshiya’s room.  Laying the
older man out on the bed.  Trifling through his bag Shinya concluded that Toshiya slept naked when alone so he
turned down the covers and settled Toshiya into the bed before covering him up and sitting on the bed next to him. 
Staring at Toshiya’s face, Shinya sighed and reached out his hand brushing a lock of blue tinted hair from
the Bassist’s forehead. Pulling one arm out from under the blankets Shinya inspected the slices.
“Why do you do this?  What happened that day that caused you to push me and the other’s away?  What
could be so awful as to cause you to mutilate your body?  I thought I was in love with you.  But now with Die...I
guess whatever happened was for the best.  Now you have a chance with Kaoru...I guess I’m glad I don’t love you.
If I did....I would have been crushed...”  Shinya touched Toshiya’s cheek and turned away walking back to his
room, not noticing Toshiya’s eye’s the fluttered open to stare at the back of the retreating man.  When he was gone
Toshiya rolled over and curled into a fetal position.  Eyes wide, and tears streaming down his face Toshiya knew
that this was want death must feeling like.  He was dying.  He had to be.  No one could survive the pain that was
ripping him in two. *He doesn’t care anymore...he loves...Die.  The one who made me give him up...* *it’s for the
best...* Toshiya got up and locked the door of his room and the door of the bathroom.  Taking his razor from his
bag Toshiya searched on his arms for a place to cut.  Not finding one he looked down at his naked legs. *No.
Everyone will see it.  You don’t want them to know your not happy.* Shaking his head Toshiya pressed the razor
against his hip and cut a long, deep gash into the skin.  Watching the blood pour out of the slice Toshiya felt a
little better.  His sadness and his anger began to diminish.  Slicing again and again he cut deeper, feeling the flesh
give way to the blood that was keeping him alive. *If I don’t cut I’ll die.  Blood flowing washed the pain and hate
and love away...* Toshiya let the wound’s flow as he laid down on the bed.  Falling asleep he knew he’d feel better
in the morning.  After all.  Dawn brings a new day.  And a new day brings a new love...right?.....right?....



Feed Back?? anyone?? Comment's??  No?  Yes??  good....bad?

to part 5

to deg fics pg 3