WONDERWALL

by Mana Crystal

Pairing: Shinya x Toshiya, Kyo x Die x Kaoru, Kyo x Die x Toshiya x Kaoru
Band: Dir en grey
Warnings: Angst, Cutting, Your choice of ending. (One Death, One Sap)
Comments: was originally to the song ‘Wonderwall' by Oasis. So the title is ‘Wonderwall' anyway, um fic has two endings. One sad one not. Bounces a bit. But a few twist's thrown in. Okay. Done.


~~~~
Shinya sat watching the door of the practice room. Die was there, attempting to make conversation, and failing. *Baka....* Shinya thought fondly and smiled slightly as the guitarist gave up on talking to ‘The Stone' as the group had affectionately named him. The door burst open and Kyo came in slowly looking away. Shinya's face slipped as the light fell dramatically on Kyo's face. It looked as if someone had used it as a welcome mat, stepping on it over and over. Shinya stayed silent and watched Die, who was Kyo's lover, for a reaction.
"Kyo!?" Die jumped up and ran to the smaller man who attempted to move away. "What happened to you're beautiful face!?"
"I fell down the stairs, and I'm not beautiful."
"Bull shit. I'm calling Kaoru." Die matched out to find a place to talk quietly on his mobile phone. Kyo slumped down on the couch next to Shinya.
"...." Shinya stayed silent.
"...." Kyo said nothing. Shinya ticked off the moments mentally. *five....four....three.....two.....one.*
"Totchi hit me." Kyo said softly. Shinya was slightly startled but was not surprised, the bass player did have an uncontrollable temper when he was pissed.
"...." Shinya stayed silent listening to his band mate.
"He...I don't know why, I came home and he just....beat on me." Kyo sniffed and leaned against the mostly stoney figure of Shinya, who silently wrapped his arms around the other man letting him cry on his chest.
"Kyo?" Die came rushing back in with Kaoru, who was the third member of the love triangle. The new comer stared at Kyo, broken and crying on Shinya before looking at the drummer.
"What happened?" Kaoru asked, in a tone that could only be matched in it's coldness by Shinya.
"....may I tell them, Kyo?"
"Go ahead." Kyo whimpered as Shinya ran his fingers through the bleached out and fried hair.
"Totchi beat on him....he doesn't know why."
"Totchi..." Shinya had silently allowed the vocalist to be taken from him by Die and as the other two lovers doted on the small man, Shinya snuck away to the roof. He flipped open his mobile and dialed Toshiya's number.
"Moshi moshi, what the fuck do you want?" Toshiya's angry voice filtered through the line.
"I suggest not showing up for practice for a while. Kaoru and Die will skin you alive if you do."
"And what do I owe the pleasure."
"....Just don't do anything else stupid..."
"Oh, come off it Shin-" Toshiya started.
"By the way, you're going to live with me for a while. I can't let you hurt Kyo again. Be at my apartment by ten. If you're not there, I'll find you." Shinya clicked the phone off then dropped it into his bag. Calmly walking back to the three lovers who hadn't even noticed he was gone.

~~~~

A knock sounded at the door, Shinya walked over and let Toshiya in, the slightly older man stepped in, dropped his bag, took off his shoes and made himself at home on the couch. Shinya watched him for a moment before silently walking back in to the kitchen. He finished making dinner and put it on the table slowly.
"You can come eat if you want." Shinya sat and picked up a spoon dipping it in the soup and stirring it slowly. He watched Toshiya get up and come sit at the table. Lifting his own soup his sipped it daintily.
"Why don't you ask me why?" Toshiya asked suddenly.
"You'll tell me when you want to." Shinya knew it was pointless to bother asking the other man anything. He wouldn't tell him anyway.
"Fine, where do I sleep?"
"That room back there." Shinya pointed at the only other bedroom in the apartment. Toshiya nodded. Shinya sighed and stared blankly at his soup. Toshiya was the only one who ever managed to make Shinya fall out of his ‘stone' manner. He was never quite sure where he stood with the other young man. When ever he began to understand a bit about him, or thought he had the other person completely figured out, Toshiya went and did something to shake it all up. Like the thing with Kyo, that had been the worst shake of Shinya's life so far. He dropped his spoon with a clatter and stood up.
"Clean the kitchen. That's you're job from now on. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
"I don't care you know. I mean about you, and Kyo. I don't care that I hurt him...and I don't care that you're doing this....why are you doing this?" Toshiya suddenly became slightly suspicious.
"Clean the kitchen." Shinya nodded slightly at Toshiya then walked away without answering, slightly stunned at the realization that Toshiya really did not care about what he had done.

~~~~

Shinya laid in bed staring at the white above. He sighed and closed his eyes trying to sleep, without results. He had fallen for Toshiya a long time ago, where others saw a heartless bitch, Shinya saw pain, Where others saw hate, Shinya saw suffering and where the others abandon him Shinya held him up. Long ago he fell for the selfish Bass player and long ago he determined that even if the other man didn't feel the same, he loved him and then he decided that no one would ever know, especially not Toshiya.
He heard Toshiya get up and pad quietly towards his bedroom, closing his eyes he pretended to be asleep as Toshiya came in and stood next to him.
"I know you're awake. I cleaned the kitchen. Now answer my question. Why?"
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because, Shin-chan. I want to know why, where I stand with you. I want to know what I owe you."
"Why? Why do you get to know where you stand with me, when I don't get the same favor? Why am I always the one wondering where I stand? And you owe me nothing." Shinya sighed and rolled over facing away from him the bassist climbed into the bed and laid down next to him.
"How do you feel about me, Shin-chan? Do you hate me for what I did? Hate me so much you brought me here to watch me and save the others the pain of doing it?" Toshiya pressed his front along Shinya's back. Lifting a hand he slowly traced it up the drummers leg. "Or do you love me so much that you brought me here under the guise of protecting Kyo? Do you love me....Shin-chan? Do you?"
"...." Shinya stayed silent he didn't move. Feeling the other mans hand on him he felt an almost uncontrollable urge to turn to the other body. Toshiya moved in closer and pressed his lips delicately against Shinya's neck. He trailed kisses slowly and gently up the flesh til he reached the drummers ear. Taking the lobe between his teeth, Toshiya gently bit it then let it fall from his mouth.
"Do you want to touch me, Shin-chan?"
"Leave. Go back to you're room, Totchi. Get out of my bed, and go to yours. Go to sleep and let me do the same." Shinya rolled over and stared at the slightly stunned man laying next to him. He lifted the covers and pushed Toshiya gently away. The other man stood up and looked down at his friend. Leaning down his captured Shinya's lips in a slow loving kiss. Before walking out the door. Shinya lay in his bed listening to the other man walk to his room and close the door.

~~~~

"Shinya. Stop it." Toshiya sighed and half heartedly attempted to push the drummer away. After partying for a few nights, Toshiya had finally collapsed in the back room of a club. Shinya had, had a helluva time finding to older man, and when he did he asked the owner of the club if this was a normal place for Toshiya. Shinya shuddered slightly remembering what the other man had said *It's like he has no more will to live. He just wants to die, but he can't figure out how to do it. So he goes through boy after boy then girl after girl, drink after drink. Why? Who the hell are you?* Shinya sighed and lowered his friend into a warm bath, despite his arguing.

~~~~

"Why?" Shinya asked softly as he helped the burnt out man into his bed. Instead of answering, Toshiya reached his arms up and caught Shinya tightly.
"Sleep with me.....not like that...but just.....sleep. And hold me." Shinya nodded and laid down, taking the other man tightly against his chest.
"Good night, Totchi." Shinya kissed the tired mans lips lightly before settling down against the warm body.

~~~~

As the other man slept Shinya stared down at the beautiful face.
"I love you...." The words were whispered softly, as if the moment would disappear if the youngest spoke to loudly. After looking at Toshiya for a moment longer he kissed the soft lips lightly then laid down to sleep, falling asleep without noticing the slight catch of breath or the fluttering open of the brown eyes of his sleeping companion.

~~~~

"Have you seen Toshiya, Shin-chan?" Kaoru asked, when Shinya opened the door. The only thing that Shinya had neglected to mention to Toshiya is that no one knew that the drummer was protecting him. The leader of Deg pushed his way into Shinya's apartment and kicked his shoes off, looking around carefully. Everyone knew that Shinya would help anyone, as cold as he seemed he was actually very caring. Shinya frowned and hoped that Toshiya would stay in the bedroom and that Kaoru would not push his luck too far. The guitarist headed towards the bedroom. Toshiya stepped out. Shinya braced himself.
"Hey..." Toshiya said quietly, casually walking behind the couch putting that between him and Kaoru.
"Bitch." Kaoru lunged towards the younger man, coming to a swift stop as Shinya stepped in front of him.
"Stop." Shinya spoke softly staring at the older man.
"Why are you stopping me? After what he did!? WHY!?" Kaoru yelled.
"Listen, beating each other up isn't going to change what he did, it's not going to fix it or make it okay. Nothing will. But it's not going to help the problem either.....so just leave and come back when you're calm. Maybe with the others as well." Shinya said lowly Kaoru stared at him then walked out of the apartment slamming the door. Shinya sank to the coach and sighed putting his head in his hands. As much as he knew he could take the older man, he really didn't want to have to. He felt Toshiya sit down next to him.
"Why did you stop him, when I know you hate what I did.....?" the bassist laid a hand on the drummers arm.
"...." Shinya turned and looked at Toshiya. He wanted to tell him so much, to spill out that he loved him, to tell him that he cried almost every night, to let him know what he had been doing to his skin, to tell him about the cutting. To tell him how long he had loved him. To tell him about his past. At that moment, Shinya wanted Toshiya to know everything about him. But as he looked at the other man, he shrugged and looked out the window feeling the moment pass.
"Why?" The older man asked again.
"Because even you need to have a friend." The drummer stood and walked to the kitchen to start the food.

~~~~

Later he sat on his bed in the dark and stared at the razor in his hand. Pulling it down slowly against his arm, Shinya cut slowly. The cut didn't even feel like it was there for a moment before the blood began to drip down his arm. The cutting didn't hurt him. The razor was so sharp it felt like he was simply dragging a dull pin on his arm gently. He stared down at the blood with a small smile, even though he was crying. The cutting made him feel in control. *if I can't control my life, at least I can control how much I hurt over it.* When he saw the blood, the anger and the pain faded away and all the he felt was the slight drip of the liquid on his arm.
"Maybe you can help me, Totchi. Maybe you can understand me." The drummer whispered.

~~~~

Shinya sat Indian style on the couch the next morning in a long sleeved shirt and PJ pants sipping his tea and staring blankly over the top of the paper at Toshiya, watching him make tea for himself, watching his sit down and then smiled when he caught the older man watching him. Lowering his eyes to the paper Shinya built his wall up around himself once again.

~~~~

A knock sounded at the door a moment later, and Toshiya stood up and answered it. Shinya didn't look up as the three other members of Deg shuffled in to his living room. They sat down slowly and the youngest could feel the tension fill the air.
"We don't know what to think. Kyo....he won't talk to us." At this Shinya looked up and found Kaoru and Die looking at him. Kyo was huddled far away from all of them, and was staring at the floor. Shinya sighed and looked at the Bassist who was looking at Die. Shinya felt his heart break as he slowly figured out what the look was. Love, or at least lust. Shinya looked back at Kyo, framing his face to be cold. Standing he walked over and took Kyo by the hand slowly making him stand and pulling him towards the room. Closing the door behind him Shinya sat Kyo on the edge of the bed.
"What's up?" Shinya asked sitting next to his friend and wrapping his arms around the smaller frame.
"I told him I liked him....I lied when I said before that I didn't know why he did it. He doesn't like me. I love Kaoru and Die, but they love each other more then they love me. And.....Shinya I'm stupid aren't I? He likes someone else....but he didn't have to beat me for it...."
"...." Shinya held his friend and let him talk for around and hour before the other quieted. He let him lay down on his bed and told him to sleep. He walked out to the living room and closed the door. He turned and was stunned to see the three men. Toshiya was kissing Die as Kaoru fondled both men thru their pants.

~~~~

"Die..." Toshiya whispered. Shinya stood there staring at them he put a hand up to his face, he could keep his walls up, but he couldn't keep his mask in place. Kaoru noticed him from the corner of his eye and stopped, the other two turned to protest and saw Shinya. The drummer stood there, crying silently staring at the three men. His fist's were clenched in anger and he was leaning on the wall for support. The others had never seen the drummer lose his composer so badly Toshiya climbed off of Die and Kaoru moved away from the other to take hold of Shinya.
"Don't touch me. How....how could you do this? To.....to Kyo." He desperately wanted to say ‘how could you do this to me.' but knew that would mean he would have to let his mask fall even more. At the moment he was to bared to do that. "He loves you, he told me that he knew you two loved each other more...how...why....god damn you. God damn you all to hell." Shinya's mask slipped completely and he screamed the last part then sank to the floor cry and completely breaking down. (God I make him cry and be hurt so much evil, evil me!-MC)
"Shin-chan...." Toshiya started.
"Stop. Just can't any of you see anything? Kaoru, Die he loves you, Kyo does. Not just that, but he even found a place to love you, Totchi. Add this as well, I love you, Toshiya. And I hate myself for doing so. Now, you can all get the fuck out of my apartment....and come back to get Kyo later I don't want to wake him....just leave..now." Shinya sobbed curling into a ball. He heard the others start to protest and he lifted his face up. "Leave....if you care about me at all...leave."
"Shin..." Toshiya started Kaoru looked at Shinya then pulled the other two out of the apartment.

~~~~

He sighed and pulled himself into the bathroom, reaching up he took the extra razor from on top of the cabinet and pulled it down hard across his left arm, since his had only a slight area of unmarred skin on the right arm. He sighed and felt the tears ease to a stop. With a sighed he stared down at the blood and then cut deeply into an already scarred area of flesh.

~~~~

"Shinya....I'm-" Toshiya opened the door to the bathroom and stared at Shinya who hastily pulled his pant leg down and his arm sleeve down. He dropped the razor and stared guiltily at the red stain slowly seeping across the material of his shirt. Toshiya stood there for a moment before turning and running out of the apartment. Shinya sobbed and curled up into a ball, when he heard the door slam shut he slowly fell asleep.


~~~~

When Shinya awoke he found himself in his bed. A moment later, Kyo came in and stared at him. He sighed and came closer bing a cup of water with him, handing the cup to Shinya slowly, as if the younger man would hit him or make a sudden movement and drop the cup.
"Why, Shinya?" Kyo asked softly.
"I don't know..." Shinya lied.
"Liar. But it doesn't matter why. The others are outside in the living room."
"Are you okay?" Shinya asked, looking up at the older man.
"What?"
"With....did they tell you?"
"About them? Yeah, just a while ago, while we we're waiting for you to wake up."
"And...." Shinya frowned, not really liking the whole situation.
"I'm fine with it, all of us want each other..." Kyo said this softly looking away. Apparently the others hadn't missed Shinya saying he loved Toshiya.
"That's good. I'm glad you're happy." Shinya forced his ruined walls up once again, making his face cold once more.
"Shin-chan...You're awake..." Kaoru stood in the doorway with his arms around Die and Toshiya holding tightly to the red heads hand.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I scared you all. But I'm fine now and you can go." Shinya forced himself to look emotionless. The others frowned. Toshiya stared hatefully at the bathroom, like it was the rooms fault that Shinya was cutting himself.
"Why, Shin-chan?" Die asked softly.
"Listen, guys I'm fine you can go. Please...." Shinya's voice broke slightly as he said the last word he stared at the four wanting once again to let everything out to tell them all everything to beg Toshiya to love him like the drummer loved him. The others stared hard at the youngest who finally just started crying. He smacked himself for being so weak and then laid in the bed in a ball.

~~~~

Shinya stopped talking to the others, he ate the food they brought and listened to them talk, but he was sick of listening. That's all he had done, was listen. Since the beginning it was Shinya that the others came to for help. He was sick of having his walls and his little cell in which everything was shut. He let his walls stay down, and each time an emotion threatened to show on his face he had to forcefully stop himself from pushing it away. He just laid in bed and stared, the others had never seen him so open before. Shinya heard the door creak open but he stayed laying down with his eyes closed.
"Shinya. I know you're awake." Toshiya's voice came from next to him. Shinya's eyes opened slowly and looked blankly at Toshiya.
"...."
"Why won't you talk to me?" Silence.
"Listen, Shinya I'm sorry. I didn't know how you felt, but I love you, as a brother. I love Kyo and Die and Kaoru as lovers. Maybe if you had let us see more emotion we would love you as a lover. But we don't.....You always had the easy part, loving us without question. You listened to us but never let us love you back. You had it easy." Toshiya turned to go and Shinya felt rage building in his chest. The door to the bedroom shut and Shinya jumped out of bed and walked slowly to the door, throwing it open and finding Kyo kissing Kaoru and Toshiya snuggling against Die. They looked at him.

~~~~

"Shinya...what's wrong...." Kyo asked softly seeing the rage plainly laid on Shinya's face.
"Totchi, has informed me that I've had it easy, just listening to you, that I've had it easy and that I pushed you away, kept you all at a distance. He tells me that I've been lucky and that I'm stupid for doing what I did for cutting myself and for caring about you all. That it's my fault none of you love me as a lover. Do you all agree with him? Think first, if you do then I'm going to let you know exactly what I think." Shinya said all this in a normal voice but the anger he felt could be heard. The others sat silent for a moment before nodding their heads.
"We think he's right....Shinya." Kaoru said.
"Okay. You know what? You're all pretty fucking stupid. It was never easy listening to you guys. You all whine and cry like you're problems are the end of the world. The only reason I fell for Totchi was because he never did that. He would tell me what he felt without making it sound like his was the only problem in the world. I think I had the hardest part. Listening to you, understanding you, allowing you to use me for comfort. I never once complained. And I knew that if I didn't let you all cry and whine and comfort you we would fall apart. I know everything about you. I know what you're scared of, what you like. I know what turns you on. What makes you sick. I know you absolutely. All but Toshiya. And if you think it's easy listening to you and never being able to tell you how I felt, what I felt. If you think it's easy, then you're stupid. Do any of you remember the times I let my mask slip and tried to tell you what was happening to me? Do any of you fucking remember when I cried, when I came to you and you rode over my pain with yours?!" Shinya asked, nearly screaming the last picking up a vase and throwing it into a wall.
"Shin..." Kyo started but Shinya glared at him.
"Shut up. This time you all will listen to me. You get to hear what I've been through. About a half year I took that long vacation do you all remember? Good. I know you do because I had been playing badly for about two month's before that. And when I returned I was better then ever. About two months before my vacation I met a man, his name doesn't matter, he was from another band and I fell helplessly for him. I thought he loved me. He didn't. I was still a virgin, naive, stupid enough to ask him to tea. He ended up raping me and hurting me. It went on for quite a while. Does anyone remember me coming to practice late, or beat up? No. Probably not. But it doesn't matter. I ended up getting away from him and taking a vacation to calm myself. You all say I had the easy job? I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO! You wouldn't listen. None of you. Dammit! Then I fell for Totchi. Because I felt that maybe under his slutty surface there was someone who honestly loved things. You know...I was right. But it's my fault for loving him, my fault for pushing you away. I didn't want to let you close. If you let someone close you end up hurt. Thank you all for proving my point." Shinya walked back into the bedroom and pulled some clothes on, turning he grabbed some clothes and pushed them into a bag along with a razor he shoved int his wallet. He sighed and started walking out of the apartment.

~~~~

"Shinya stop, don't leave please..." Toshiya's voice came behind him and Shinya got in the lift. The older man jumped in as the doors slid closed.
"Toshiya I'll be back next week." Shinya said tiredly.
"I'm not going to love you."
"I'm not asking you too. I love you, and that's enough. You're happy. And that's more than enough. Totchi, please I just want to leave right now." Shinya walked calmly to his car. Toshiya followed.

~~~~

"Shin-chan...I'm sorry about all this. You know I thought I was falling for you, earlier....I really did. But I'm not. I really feel like Kaoru, Kyo and Die are who I'm to be with." Toshiya said this and Shinya felt a slightly glimmer of hope as Toshiya's voice faltered like he wasn't convinced.
"Then, why are you here. I understand. Go be with them."
"....." Toshiya tried to think of something to say, and Shinya got in the car and drove away leaving the other man staring.

(Okay, here I wrote two endings in my head, pick which one you like.-MC)
(Ending One) WARNINGS: this ending contains death.
****~~~~

Toshiya sighed and sat at the window waiting and watching for Shinya to come back. He had stopped talking and just waited, staring at the sky. The others were saddened but knew that the bass player was reevaluating his feelings for the drummer. Toshiya sighed, missing the other man, *I was wrong. I do love him.....* it had been more then three weeks and the drummer had not been heard from. Toshiya cried a lot, missing the other. He couldn't wait for the other to come home so he could tell him he was wrong and the hold him. Toshiya froze and listened to the t.v. that one of the others had turned on in another room....
"....body of the drummer of Dir en grey was found today in a hotel room in Osaka. The man had slit his wrist's open and bled to death in the room. He was found two days after death. A note was found taped to the wall next to him, which read ‘Please forgive me, older brothers, I love you all. One of you in particular. I'm sorry I never said goodbye. And I'm sorry I left you all so upset. I can't live anymore. It hurts I kept it in for too long. It came out to fast. Please remember me from before. I love you...' the news of...."
The t.v. was shut off and Toshiya heard the others talking and crying. The bassist sat silently, crying on the inside reaching out he laid a hand calmly on the glass, he felt a tear slid down his cheek before he slowly began building the walls that would get him through.****

(Ending Two)WARNINGS: contains sap
****~~~~

Toshiya sighed and sat at the window waiting and watching for Shinya to come back. He had stopped talking and just waited, staring at the sky. The others were saddened but knew that the bass player was reevaluating his feelings for the drummer. Toshiya sighed, missing the other man, *I was wrong. I do love him.....* it had been more then three weeks and the drummer had not been heard from. Toshiya cried a lot, missing the other. He couldn't wait for the other to come home so he could tell him he was wrong and the hold him. Toshiya froze and listened as the door opened and Shinya dropped his bag on the ground, jumping up Toshiya ran and jumped on the drummer, sobbing. The drummer paused before sliding his arms around the other man and taking him tightly against his body.
"Forgive me....Shinya...forgive me."****

~owari~


Comments: um, okay. Sorry my mood changed a lot through out the fic. Hope you like it. Anyway um...that's it I guess, working on my other fics. Bah um...done. (I didn't really like this one)

Mana Crystal
(4:10 PM, Saturday May 18, 2002)

Email: Toshiya_Mana@totchi.zzn.com
Blog: http://www.deadjournal.com/~manacrystal
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