FAIRLY TALES

by Red Rose of Pain

Once upon a time, in a little village over the hill and across the river Tempo, was a J-Rocker named Kyo.  Now, Kyo was your typical J-Rocker, with wild hair and plenty of make up, but he was also very short of size and temper and had a very loud voice.  Many times he would cry “Fangirls!  Fangirls have gotten into the village!” and the other J-Rockers would run in panic as he laughed and laughed and made a puking noise.  Finally, the others had had enough of the little Kyo, and filed into the city hall.

“O Great Prince of Roses,” which is what they called their leader, “please, please help us!  Kyo is very wild and kicks us in the shins when he thinks we’re not paying attention to him.  He raises the Fangirl Alarm weekly, and pretends to puke on us when we’re napping.  Please, O Great Prince of Roses, help us!”

Now, the Prince was a wise man, full of beauty and energy.  He thought and thought about little Kyo, and then he shrugged.  “He is no real harm.  His antics are full of mischief, yes, but his heart is good and he is kind when he isn’t kicking people in the shins, much like myself.  I say he shall remain in the J-Rocker village as always.”  It was at that point a blue haired rocker ran up the steps to his throne and knelt.

“O Great Prince of Roses, Kyo has just slashed the tires on your Ferrari.”  The Prince stood, and his lovely face was full of storms.

“Summon Kyo to me AT ONCE!” he bellowed, and the J-Rockers happily went to fetch the little Kyo.  They dragged him, bound with pink ribbons, to the feet of the Prince of Roses.  “You have been a wild little rock star.  What do you have to say for yourself?”  At this Kyo kicked the Prince of Roses in the shins, almost breaking his leg.  The Prince hopped about on one foot, and reached to the table beside his throne.

After beating Kyo in the head with a basket, he shoved it in his hands.  “Take this basket to the rock star who lives in the glen!  His name is Kamijo and he has not been feeling well as of late.  Don’t drink his sake and eat all of his Pocky, or he will be sore tempered indeed!”  So saying he flung a red cloak and hood at Kyo.  “And wear this so the wild beasts can see you better…  I mean, so you don’t catch cold.  Bring back a blue rose as proof you were there.”

Kyo grumbled and hauled the cloak on, kicked at the Prince one last time, and made a puking noise.  “Fine!  But don’t be surprised if I don’t come back!” he threatened, and stomped out of the village.  As he entered the Dark Woods across the river Tempo the rock stars let out a cheer of relief.  Kyo ignored them and stomped into the woods.

After drinking the sake and eating most of the Pocky, Kyo felt better.  He stuffed the rest of the candy in his pockets, flung the basket into the trees, flipped the cloak over his shoulder, and trudged along.  Soon he noticed something pink in the trees.  “OK, who’s there?  Come out so I can puke on you!”  A long, lanky J-Rocker stepped out.  He was garbed in black from head to toe, with his pink hair slicked back and sticking strait up in back.  A black fur stole rested on his shoulders.  “Who are you?”

“My name is Kaoru, and I live in this forest.  Where are you going, in that little red hood of yours?  Truly someone such as yourself would be happier in the village over the hill and across the river Tempo, right?”  He walked a giant circle around Kyo then squatted down in the path in front of him to look him in the wild eyes.

“I got kicked out again.  I’ll just take a walk and return later.  Can you believe they wanted me to take a basket of goodies to Kamijo?  He lives all the way on the other side of the Dark Woods!”  Kyo kicked a rock and kept on walking.  Kaoru followed, hands behind his back.

“So, are you still going to go?  I saw your basket in an oak tree down the way.”  Kyo snorted.

“Yeah, may as well.  At least I can filch a blue rose from his garden to prove I was there.”  Kyo kicked a squirrel out of his way and kept on stomping down the path.  Kaoru nodded.

“I must be going.  It was nice to meet you!”  He dashed off into the trees, since he knew a short cut to Kamijo’s house.  He loped along, laughing to himself, thinking of what he could do to little Kyo.

In the mean time Kyo had come across two children walking in the woods.  “And where are YOU off to?” he asked, curious.

“There’s a house of candy not too far from here!  We’re going to eat some and throw rocks at the rest!” a little boy answered.  The little girl just giggled, and Kyo got a plan.

“You mustn’t be here in the woods!  There’s a terrible witch who lives in that house, just waiting to get little kids like you all fat and plump so she can eat them!  Run, run for your little lives!”  Kyo then started to twitch and make a fearsome gurgling noise, and the children screamed and ran away.  “He he he..  now that candy is all mine!”  He stomped up to a house made of gingerbread.

Kyo’s eyes widened as he saw the candy cane fence, the rock candy windows, and the lollipop garden.  He licked his lips in anticipation and started to giggle.  His giggle became a roaring laugh as he fell forward onto a fenced garden and started to eat the candy within.  After finishing the lychee poppies, he walked right up to the door and banged on it until a large hunk of graham cracker came loose.  He then sat on the steps and munched away happily.  A blue-headed face peeked out through the hole in the door.

“Um, excuse me?  Excuse me?”  Kyo, with a mouth full of door, looked up.  “What are you doing?”  Kyo responded simply, ‘eating your house.’  “Um… why are you eating my house?”

“Because I can.”  He broke off a chunk of door and handed it to the rock star within.  “Who are you?”  The blue figure opened the door and came outside to sit on the steps next to Kyo.

“My name’s… um… Oh, yeah!  I’m Toshiya.  I live here.”  He started to nibble on the door and giggle.  “I guess my house is rather nummy.”

“Why the hell did you make a house of candy, you twit?”  Kyo bopped him on the head with another piece of door, and Toshiya giggled.

“Well, there’s this big, bad J Rocker roaming these woods.  I used to live in a house I made of straw, but he kicked my door down.  Then I built a house of sticks, but he could still break my door down.  So I made a house of Jell-o, but he kinda ate that one before it set.  The next house I made was of paper, but he spilt so soda on it and it dissolved.  I carved out a giant pumpkin, but it was sticky and started to smell.  So Kaoru and I made a pie of it and ate it.  Then I thought… what does every one love but no one’s ever made a house of?  CANDY!  So I made this house of candy.”  Toshiya giggled and chewed on his door.

“Did it ever occur to you to make a house of bricks?”  Toshiya giggled and shook his head.

“Why would I do that?  Bricks are heavy and what if they fell down?”  Kyo bonked him on the head again and stood up.

“Well, it was interesting meeting you, Totchi.  I hope you get a new door before that big lug gets back.”  Kyo shoves some more candy in his pockets, waved goodbye to Toshiya, and kept on walking.  “Airhead.”  Toshiya waved and started to repair his door with some flour and water.  “Oh, well.  Where the hell am I?”

He walked around until he found the path and kept on going.  Soon he came to a little doll made of muslin and leather with bright red hair, sitting on a stump.  “Hey… maybe I can tell Kamijo the Prince sent him this!”  As Kyo picked up the doll it gave off a deep grunt.  That’s when Kyo dropped it and kicked it into the bushes.

“You big oaf!  Don’t do that!”  At that the little doll walked out of the bushed, plucking leaves and twigs from its hair.  “Is that any way to treat a rock star?”  Kyo knelt down, amused to see someone smaller then he.

“And what are you supposed to be?”  The doll sulked until Kyo shrugged, scooped him up, and shoved him in a pocket.  “Ah, well.  You’re my doll now!”

“Hey!  HEY!  My name’s Die, you idiot!  And I’m not a doll!  I’m a rock star, and real rock star!”  Kyo pulled him out and looked at him.

“You look like a doll.  You act like doll.  You even flew like one when I kicked you.  What makes you think I’ll believe you’re a J-Rocker?”  The little doll sniffed and pouted.  “See?  You’re acting like a doll!”

“But I’m real!  I swear I am!  If only I could get to the Prince of Roses… he’d make me real!”  Kyo shrugged.

“I’m kinda on my way there.  I have to come up with a present to give Kamijo before I go back to him, though.  And you’re it!”  Die waved his little hands and sulked.

“If you give me to Kamijo how can you take me back to the Prince?  Hm?  Ever think about that?”  Kyo shrugged.  “Maybe I’ll think of something, maybe I won’t.  Get in there… we’ve got a long ways to go!”  Kyo shoved Die back in the pocket and kept on walking.  “Don’t eat all the candy… some of it I have to give him.”  So the pair walked on.

Soon they came to an opening in the forest where a familiar blue-headed rock star sat, looking glum.  “You again, eh?  What happened?”  Toshiya sighed and kicked his legs a little, sulking.  “Come on, speak up!  If you do, I’ll let you carry this guy.”  At the site of the Die doll, Toshiya’s face lit up.

“Oh, he’s so CUTE!  Can I have him!” he squealed as he hugged Die tightly.  “He’s so soft and smooshy!”

“That’s because I USED to have internal organs!  Now put me down!  Now!”  Toshiya did so and squatted by him, giggling and poking at him.  “Hey, blondie, maybe you can give HIM to Kamijo?”  Die was fending off Toshiya’s poking finger, batting it away.

“Maybe.  So, blue, what happened?  Why are you out here?”  Toshiya continue to poke at Die until Kyo tugged on his hair.  “I said, what are you doing out here?”

“Some kids came by and ate my house, then threw rocks at it.  Now I’ve no place to live.  I had an idea, and it was great, but it just didn’t work.  I thought I’d build a house with no doors or windows so kids and Kaoru can’t break them, but then I couldn’t get in.”  Die and Kyo looked behind Toshiya at an elaborately painted cardboard box that had been taped shut.  They exchanged sideways glances, then Kyo started to laugh.

“You really are something, Totchi!  Come on… we’re going to Kamijo’s, then to J-Rock village.  I’m certain the Prince can find you a house there.”  Kyo dragged Toshiya along by the hair and the blue one giggled, then scooped up Die again.  “By the way, my name’s Kyo.”  The three started walking.

By this time Kaoru had reached Kamijo’s place.  The beautiful white tower glistened in the sun, and the blue roses waved peacefully in the garden.  He picked his way through the garden, and on a whim, plucked a blue rose.  He stood, letting his mind linger in the fragrance, when he heard a terrible, cackling voice from the tower.

“Who’s in my garden? >COUGH< Who’s in my garden?” the hacking voice wheezed, and Kaoru took a few steps back.  “Who’s there?”  A terrible, pale face with puffy eyes peered out the dutch door, and Kaoru turned and ran.  The face faded, and the door closed.

Toshiya was busy tossing Die up and down, catching him and giggling, when Kaoru dashed out in front of them.  “It’s terrible!  A monster has taken over Kamijo’s garden!”  He held out the blue rose, and Toshiya whimpered.  “Its face was pale, like death, and its voice just…”  He shuddered, and suddenly leaned on a tree, facing Toshiya.  “Hey, it’s about lunch time.  Did you get a new house yet?”

“How can you think of food, you lummox, when Kamijo is in danger?” Die demanded.  Kyo plucked the rose from Kaoru’s hands and shrugged.

“He’s a big boy who can take care of himself.  Now that I’ve got the rose, I can go home!  Come on, you lot.”  Toshiya began to cry, and Kaoru pulled him into a hug.

“He was always so nice to me!” he wailed.  “He gave me blue roses so I could dye my hair!”  Kaoru rubbed his back.

“And he always let us use the mirrors in his tower.”  Kaoru looked sad, then straitened his back.  “Come on, Totchi.  Let’s go rescue him.”

“Can we?  Can we really?”  Kaoru dabbed at Toshiya’s eyes with the hem of Kyo’s cape, and nodded.  “How?”

“Well, a few days ago someone gave me some magic beans.  We can plant them, and see what happens.  So come on, let’s make a house to have for dinner, and see.”  So Kaoru dug a hole, put the seeds in, and poured the rest of Kyo’s sake on them.  Toshiya and Kyo collected some firewood and they heated the last of the graham cracker door for supper.  They slept all curled up next to each other, since it was cold, and when they awoke a giant beanstalk had grown.

“Yay!  Now we can cut the stalk down, have it crash into the tower, and kill the monster!” Kyo exclaimed.  Kaoru shook his head.

“No, Kyo.  We climb it.  There might be some magical weapons or a wizard at the top who can help us!”  So they tucked Die into Toshiya’s pocket and started to climb.  After a long climb they reached the top and looked around.

They were on top of the clouds, and Toshiya giggled loudly.  “Look!  Look!  We’re on top of the sky!”  He dropped a piece of candy off the edge, but none of them heard it land.  “I’m scared.  Let’s go home!”

“You can’t go home; Kaoru ate it, remember?” Die reminded.

“Oh, yeah.  Let’s go there, then.”  Toshiya pointed at a giant castle, and with a shrug, they started to walk.  They reached the house and looked up, and kept on looking up.  “Wow… who lives here?  A giant?”  Kyo made a puking sound and crawled under the door.  “Should we be doing this?”  Kaoru followed, and Die tugged on a blue dreadlock.  “OK…  I’m going.”

They walked around, and soon they heard a terrible noise.  It sounded like thunder, or the ocean, and came in long, lingering waves.  Kyo crept up to the sound, and finally, crawled under another door.  The noise was coming from a giant fangirl, a blond who was snoring loudly while lounging on a chair.  The room was filled with goods and fan art, and several volumes of fan fiction were stacked on the floor.  And in the middle of the room was a single J-Rocker.

He was in a giant hamster cage, and he was dressed as the Prince of Roses.  His long permed hair was wavy and strawberry blond, and he was wearing a blue coatdress.  To his back was a drum set, and to his right, an electric keyboard.  Kaoru helped Toshiya and Kyo up to the table, by climbing on some books, and they knocked on the cage.  “Psssss….. pssssssssst!”  He didn’t look up until Kyo made a puking sound.

“Who are you guys?” he whispered after he crawled over.  “What are you doing here?”

“Hey, how would you like out?” Kaoru asked.  He boosted Toshiya up, and he carefully untwisted the twisty tie that kept the door shut.  They helped him out, and crept to the other side of the table.  They all introduced themselves.

“Thank you for rescuing me.  My name is Shinya.  She captured me one day and brought me here, and she makes me pretend to be the Rose Prince.  I have to play the drums until she falls asleep.”  Kyo made a gagging noise, and the fangirl stirred.  The five of them froze, and the fangirl turned her head and started to snore again.

“Do you have anything that can get rid of a monster?  Like a troll?” Kaoru asked as the snuck out of the room.

“Trolls?  Nope, none here.  There’s a goose that lays golden eggs, though, that she uses to buy more things.”  Kyo’s eyes lit up.

“Let’s take that instead!  We can buy something to kill a troll then!”  Toshiya started to giggle, and he started to walk.  Apparently, Toshiya couldn’t walk and giggle at the same time, and he tripped.  Die, who was tucked in the front of his shirt, let out a loud, low cry, and the fangirl woke up.

“Mi, mai, mou, mocker, I spy a group of small J-Rockers! Be they strait, or be they gay, I’ll keep them here to their dieing day!”  Her voice boomed over them, and Kyo puked on her floor.  Then they ran.  “Come back here, you!  I won’t let you go… I need to trade you for a Malice Mizer DVD!”  The five crawled under the door, and Toshiya scooped up Die as they ran down the giant hall.  They then crawled under the front door and ran for the beanstalk.

The fangirl flung the door open and followed, and the four grappled with the stalk.  Soon they were sliding down, dodging her giant hands.  “Come back!  Come back, please?  I’ll get you a nice dollhouse I promise!  Come back!  Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!”

They hit the ground and kept on running.

Kaoru was carrying Toshiya on his back, legs wrapped around his waist and arms hanging down his chest.  Die had taken to sitting on Kyo’s head, walking behind Kaoru, and Shinya brought up the rear.  “My feet hurt!” the blue one complained.  They had kept walking, but now were thoroughly lost.  The tress had thinned, a pale mist had crept up on them, and the sky had dimmed to a pale lavender gray.

“You’re not ever walking!” Die retorted, and Kyo flung the hood up.

“Oh… um… Kaoru’s feet hurt, don’t they?” he asked, and Kaoru shook his head.

“Nope.  I’m fine.”  Toshiya thought long and hard.

“Who’s feet hurt?”  When no one answered he shrugged and started to hum.

Kaoru noted, “That’s a fast way for a spanked bottom.”  He stopped, and Kyo made a puking sound.  “Hey, what’s that smell?”

“It wasn’t me!” Die exclaimed.  “Even though I’m a real rock star, and not a doll, I wouldn’t fart like that.”  They all looked at Kyo.

“What?  I think it was him.”  He was pointing at a shambling form in front of them.  “Hey!  Did you cut one?” he bellowed, and the form came forward.

“Hey, what is he?” Die asked, and Shinya squinted to get a better look.

“One way to find out.”  Kyo had pulled Die off of his head then punted him at the figure.  Die got up, took a few steps towards him, and turned around.

“It’s OK!  It’s Mana!” he shouted, and turned around.  “How are….  Um…. That is….”  He turned and ran back to them, scaled Kyo’s legs, and hid in his shirt.  “It’s a zombie!”

“Oh, great.”  The Mana zombie shuffled towards them, and Kaoru slid Toshiya from his back.  “There’s a bunch of them!”  Mana-letts and Kozi-letts were dragging themselves from the ground, shaking the dust off of their collars and ruffles, and bobbling towards the group.

“What do we do?” Toshiya shrieked as a Kozi-lett reached for him.  “BACK OFF!”  He picked up a stick and beat the zombie back, and stood back to back with Kaoru.  “I wanna go home!”

“I ate it, remember?  Now… keep calm, everyone.  They’ll leave if we show we’re not afraid.”  Shinya pulled off his blue coat and pulled out his drumsticks, intent on defending himself.  Kyo simply puked on the first zombie to reach him.  It rubbed its outfit, bemoaning the mess, and shambled away.  Slowly they all backed off, and Kyo strode through them.

“That’s it!  Back off, or you’ll get one, too!  Hey, zombie boy, wanna move it?  I doubt there’s a dry cleaner near here!”  The others followed closely, and the zombies let them pass.  They left the field and entered a small cluster of trees.

“What do we do?”  Toshiya was eyeing the zombies, which had taken up a loose circle around the trees.  “We can’t get out!”

“Can you puke on them again?” Die asked, and Kyo made a gurgling sound with nothing but dry heaves.  “Guess not…”

“I’m out.”  He checked his pockets for candy, but they had eaten it all.  “Any ideas?”  The others shook their heads, and Kaoru reached into his pockets.

“One.”  He made a quick torch out of his scarf and stuck it in the empty sake bottle.  Hopefully, there was enough residue left for the scarf to pick up on.  With a flick of his wrist he lit it, and took Toshiya by the wrist.  “Come on!  We’re making a break for the water!”  He swung the torch and started to run.  The zombies either moved or caught fire, and Shinya batted one away.  Its lace scarf clung to his sticks, and he shoved them in his pockets to run faster.

They dove into the water and swam to the other side, and came up in the green grass.  “Ah!  No zombies!” Shinya sighed in relief.  He pulled the scarf from his pocket, and unfurled it.  “Oh, that’s nice!  An antique Victorian scarf.  Those Mana-letts have good taste.”  Kyo snatched it and dunked it in the water to wash it.

“THIS is what I can give Kamijo!  Come on, I think I can see his tower from here.”  No one objected, thinking it a good idea, and they started walking again.

“Um, what about the troll?” Die asked as he climbed onto Kyo’s head again.

“Troll-smoll.  Kaoru took care of those zombies, right?  He can take care of a troll!”  Kyo dismissed the question and waved his hand.  Kaoru shook his head and Shinya shrugged.

“Can we stop at that small village?  I’d like to get some clean clothes.  Leather is so uncomfortable when it’s wet.”  They all agreed with Kaoru and stopped off a Rose Village.  They rented a room for the night, bought clean clothes, some sake and three types of Pocky, and had the scarf cleaned.  The next day they set out for the tower.

The Tower of Roses was white and shining, with the blue roses waving in the wind.  “It doesn’t LOOK like a troll lives here now,” Kyo exclaimed, and walked right up to the door.  He started to bang on it, and soon a pale face appeared.  “You!  Where’s Kamijo?”

“I’m Kamijo.”  He hacked a little, and opened the door.  “I’ve just been sick.  Come on in.”  The five walked in, and Kamijo led them to his front room.  “You must be Kyo.  The Prince told me you’d be by.  He said you had something for me?”  When Kyo didn’t say anything, Kaoru reached into his bag and pulled out the sake.  Kamijo took a drink and sniffed.  “That really hits the spot!”  Kyo then pulled out the scarf, now pristine and white, and flung it at him.  “This is really lovely!  Is this from the Prince?”

“Kinda.  Can we go now?”  Kamijo nodded as the others gave him the Pocky and candy, and he led them out.  On the way back they started to talk excitedly about the Prince of Roses.

“Can he really give me a home?” Toshiya asked as he skipped along, Die on his head.

“I don’t see why not.  He can also make Die a real rock star!” Kaoru exclaimed, and Die flipped him off.  “Maybe he can make us all official J-Rockers!”  Shinya smiled and nodded.  Kyo just made a gurgling noise.

“If he feels like it.  The Prince can be a real prick sometimes.”  They rounded the hill and crossed the river Tempo.  Kyo banged on the gates to the city, and the J-Rocker within moaned.

“Kyo’s back.  And he’s got some friends.”  The gate opened and he fairly skipped inside, gleeful to be home.

“And that’s Hyde’s house, that’s where we get our food, and over there is a grassy knoll, and that’s where Janna da Arc lives, and this is my house!”  He proudly showed them a gaudily painted house covered in electric lights, macabre paintings and an empty swimming pool with bodies spray painted on the bottom.

“Keen!” they all exclaimed, and armed guards escorted them to the Prince.  He was on his throne working a word puzzle, and he looked up.

“My, my, my, imagine that.  Kyo’s back.  How’s Kamijo?”

“He’s fine.  He liked his sake, and I bought him a scarf.  This is Toshiya, he’s going to live here, and Die wants to be a real J-Rocker.”  The Prince sighed and flicked some hair from his face.

“That’s nice, pick a band name and you’ll all be official J-Rockers.  Have a nice day, and excuse me.  I need a seven letter word for flexible.”

“Pliable,” Shinya announced, and the Prince nodded.

“OK, you can all stay.”  He penciled the word in, now ignoring them, so the group returned home to live Happily Ever After in J-Rock Village.

Until Kyo got them kicked out a week later, but that’s another story.