Totchi~neko
Band: Dir en Grey
Pairing: none
Rating: PG~13
Archive: ok...but let me know?
Comments: Um...this is my first fic. So it might be
really bad. But i tried. it contains suicide...so
don't read if you don't like. Um... for now it's a
stand alone fic, but my friend said she'd like to see
a sequal so maybe...
Thanks Shinya~Doll for all the help *huggles*
Now on with the fic!
~Embraced by Him~
I’m standing in his apartment surrounded by his
things. I turn around and close the door behind me,
noticing the way it doesn’t quite seem to fit in the
frame anymore. This is the result of my forcing my way
through into his home, his sanctuary. I breathe in the
mingled scents of his home and close my eyes. I’m
surrounded by midnight blackness with only the faint
light from the street pushing their way through the
shades on the windows.
He isn’t here. I knew he wouldn’t be when I came here.
He is with his family, mourning the death of some
obscure relative. I didn’t know about the death in his
family when I teased him yesterday. When the hurt
welled up in his eyes, I felt as though I was the
lowest creature on this planet. I always hurt the
people I love the most, and he is no exception. I
tease him because it’s the only way I can make him
melt, to take away that icy shell he wraps around
himself. I’ve learned to melt that ice with the fiery
heat of anger, as opposed to the slow, sensuous burn
of passion that I truly desire.
Every time I see him I feel my heart beat faster. His
shy silence is even more beautiful than the music we
make together. I know so much about him… far more than
he wants me to. I know his scent and looks and touch.
I can close my eyes and see him standing before me
with that look of closed off look of discontent that
you only aim at me. The others do not get that look
from you. They get his sweeter smiles. Even evil
little Kyo. For me he only has that icy wall.
I stole one of his shirts once. I keep it in my
closet. It smells so masculine, such the opposite of
what people would expect of him. I think he knew that
I had taken it. Or perhaps that accusation in his eyes
was simply for my existing. I always seem to offend
him in little ways, to hurt him. He always winces when
I tease him. As if I’d just pricked him with a little
needle. All of those tiny little wounds together must
nearly flay him. Leave him feeling raw and vulnerable.
But not to me. He knows that I’m the reason it hurts
so much and he would never give me his trust.
None of the others know what I feel for him. Well,
perhaps Toshiya. I’ve spent my share of nights wrapped
in his lovely arms in lazy pleasure. I’ve been his
friend long enough to know that he isn’t the
bubble-headed slut people take him for. He likes to
play, but he’s always careful about his partners. And
he is quite possibly the most perceptive person in the
band. He always knows what to say, how to soothe and
comfort. I honestly think that the first time he
brought me to his bed it was in pity for me, for the
unrequited love I hold for someone I know would never
want me. Not that I ever hesitated to join him in one
of his little nighttime romps. Totchi’s boyish
innocence can be quite intoxicating even when he
doesn’t have those pretty lips wrapped around one’s
most sensitive parts.
The other members of our band, our little family, are
oblivious. Kaoru is mired down in the bureaucratic
bullshit that keeps our careers as musicians going. He
works himself too hard to notice my pain. He cannot
however ignore Totchi, at least no more than I can.
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one indulging. Kyo
doesn’t notice either, but he really isn’t the most
observant of people in the first place. He’s too
involved in his own little world of scorpions and
blood and dark poetry. We all love each other in our
own special ways. Except for him.
I can see his computer from here. They really are
amazing machines. I got one after Kaoru made an
amazing discovery. It was called fan fiction. Those
sweet little schoolgirls who buy our CDs and come to
our concerts have a most interesting little hobby.
They write stories about us filled with sex and
violence… and love. They always put love in there. I
think those little girls are more observant than we
give them credit for…because they almost always put me
with him. I read those little tales of sex and
adventure and dream about what life would be like if
they were true.
I breathe in the scents of his home. I can smell the
various bits of his life, his masculine cologne that
he always wears, and the underlying scent of dog. As
if my thoughts had conjured her, the little dog came
around the corner from the kitchen. She’s sitting
there, staring at me with those deep black eyes.
Usually she snaps at me, nipping at my feet and being
a nuisance. I think she knows that I would take her
master from her if I only could. Now she simply sits
there, looking at me with those wet little puppy eyes.
Perhaps she knows that I have given up. That I am no
longer a threat. Perhaps that’s pity I see in her
eyes.
I smile at Miyu and walk past her into the kitchen.
The light from the windows is enough for me to see by.
Everything is so neat in his apartment, everything
exactly where it should be. I reach into a cupboard
and find a glass. Miyu has followed me. She’s sitting
by my feet, still staring. I fill the glass with water
and set it on the counter. I’ve only been in his house
a few times, but I was always carefully observant and
took note of my surroundings. So I know where he keeps
his pharmaceuticals. I reach above his fridge and
begin pulling down bottles. Vitamins, and some pain
relievers, and then the bottle I was looking for. His
doctor had given it to him when he was sick and
suffered a bout of insomnia. He hadn’t needed them for
long though. I pick up the bottle and glass and leave
the kitchen.
I walk into his bedroom and his scent gets stronger. I
can almost feel him, as if he were in the room with
me. Miyu has followed. She hops up onto the bed and
lies down on a pillow. Her eyes follow me as walk over
to the bed and lay myself down. I kick of my shoes,
the dull thud as they tumble to the floor seeming to
echo in the stillness. I open the little pill bottle
carefully and pour the contents into my hand. I don’t
think he needed them for long at all, it seems most of
the bottle fills my palm.
I sit here, hand filled with little pills, a quiet
kind of poison, and consider the choices I have made.
My first thought when I had chosen this path had been
to go for the dramatic. I imagined the look on his
face as he came home to see the words "I love you
Terachi Shinya" written across the walls in my blood.
I didn’t think he’d appreciate the mess though, so I
decided to go for the subtle approach. My hand makes a
fist, an involuntary moment of fear, but it passes
quickly. A few of the pills have been crushed. Perhaps
that will simply make them work faster. I take them
all, quickly gulping down water to keep from gagging.
I lie down on his bed and rest my head on his pillow.
I wrap his blanket around me and pull Miyu into a soft
comfortable embrace. I am surrounded by his scent and
the soft feel of his pillow under my check comforts
me. My feet are beginning to grow cold and my thoughts
fuzzy, but right now I know happiness. The blanket
wrapped around me could almost be his arms, and it is
as if I were embraced by him.