Longing hearts

by Toyo

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This is my first fanfic!! It is dedicated to VanillaMint, Kurara, Hideyuki, mi-chan and Scarlet fever. They all inspire me and write cool fanfic’s I adore and that made try to write one too. I hope you enjoy it … ^_~ !!

[edited by Arna]

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Part one

"I think we better finish practice for today!" Kaoru put his guitar away "Better than not making it anyway." Relieved the other band mates looked at their leader –san.

"It’s about time as well, ne" Kyo moaned, "I was beginning to be afraid that my voice would crack up during the songs."

"If you begin to say things like that, it is really time to stop!" Die said while he put his guitar beside Kaoru’s. "First I urgently need a cigarette… … or two, or three."

"Yeah, you’re right. The addiction is calling now." Kyo searched for his cigarettes in his pocket and fished out a creased pack. "Oh shit, only one. Die, can I have one?"

"No problem, I bought two packets in the morning. In all probability." Die lighted a cigarette for him and Kyo and the two went to the window, where the ashtray stood. Die and Kyo complained aloud about the long practices. None of them paid attention to Toshiya and Kaoru, who were now standing together, embracing and kissing. The two had only been together a few months as a couple and it was a torture for them to stay long away from each other, without kissing and snuggling at regular intervals (best every 15 minutes). Shinya was still sitting behind his drums. He looked sadly at his band mates. Again, it was one of those moments when Shinya thought Dir en grey had only four members. Nobody seems to care about him. And now that Toshiya and Kaoru were lovers, it became worse.

Of course he was happy to see their relationship going so well, but in such moments he would nearly kick that sweet- toothache- causing- couple out of the window. He don’t know which situation caused him more headache: The permanent back and forth of two adult men in love with each other and always get themselves drunk useless when their secret love had an alleged date, but not able to confessed their love because they were afraid of rejection and they couldn’t imagine that their love could be returned, so they avoided getting close to their love, what made them even more sad, frustrated and sometimes even drunker, what made him, Kyo and Die get mad, because they don’t know the reason… or the permanent kissing and embracing of these same two people, who apparently had nothing to do but put their tongue in each others’ mouths, touching their bodies and disappearing for some really stupid reasons in the toilet for 10 to 20 minutes. He really didn’t know. Shinya nearly laughed at himself; he didn’t suppose that he could be so jealous towards Kaoru and Toshiya.

* This is all stupid!! I can go home. To them I’m invisible. Kyo and Die will not move until their nicotine- level is again high enough, and Toshiya and Kaoru …forget them. Talking with them is impossible. * Shinya looked at Toshiya and Kaoru * more than impossible!!! *

Shinya stood up. With his hands, he massaged the muscles in his arms. They had really a long practice today, and they had played their instruments with all the strength that they had. He went to a little table where the drinks stood. He drank nearly a bottle of water before he was satisfied. He took his bag and went to the door.

"So, then till tomorrow, ne!" Shinya turned back to faced his band mates, but it seemed that no one heard him. "Bye bye, till tomorrow!?" he said once more, but no one answered or noticed him. Shinya felt a deep pain in his heart, he wanted to scream and cry, he wanted the others know his pain and rage, but he just opened the door and left.

"Hey, look at this." Die said aloud "This is a great service. A private Peepshow and free too. What do you think Kyo- kun, if they offer live- sex too??"

"Maybe!" Kyo giggled.

"Don’t tease us!" Toshiya said and showed them his tongue. He and Kaoru went over to Die and Kyo and they also started smoking. Toshiya took a deep puff. "What you guys think of going out for a drink tonight? It’s been so long since we spent a night together."

"Good idea." Kyo said and formed a Peace- symbol with his hand "What do you think of going out together Shinya- chan?" he asked and look over Kaoru’ s shoulder to the drums. "He’ s gone!?" Kyo pointed at the drum set and they all looked over. No Shinya!! "Any of you had saw him leave?" Nobody…

"I don’t know, but he is acting very strange lately," Toshiya said and took another puff of his cigarette. "He is very quiet now, more than usual. It’s beginning to scare me. Have one of you guys teased him too much?" Toshiya asked, looking at Die and Kaoru, who were grinning like crazy.

"Never mind, but someone should tell him of our plans for tonight!" Kyo said and pulled his cigarette to the ashtray.

"Okay, I do it!" Die said, looking a little sad. But no one noticed it, only Kaoru. He reached Die for a moment and whispered:

"Is this okay for you? I can give him a call …"

"Really," Die hugged Kaoru a moment "I’m okay with it. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Thank you." Die walked over to Kyo, talking with him about their evening. "We must visit this new Club in the city. I heard some good things about it." Die told him and showed him a prospect from the new club, that he had in his bag. Kyo liked the suggestion. (and he liked the colour of the prospect. )

"We are leaving now, ne." Kyo lit a new cigarette "Hey, you two come and pick us up?" Kaoru looked from Toshiya to Kaoru and Die and thought about it.

"Ok, we’ll come at 9 p.m. to pick you up at Kyo’s!" Kaoru said and Die and Kyo nodded.

"Maybe I can sleep a few hours before we," Kyo said to Die but Die put a headlock on Kyo and menaced that he would scalp him if he slept like in coma. Behind the door Kyo giggled a "bye bye" and the two were gone.

Toshiya freed himself out of Kaoru’s embrace and went to the door. A "click" was audible and than Kaoru saw an evil smile on Toshiya’s lips.

"I think that we two are alone now," Toshiya whispered as he went back to Kaoru. His hands slid over Kaoru’s back. Seconds later they were lost in a deep passionate kiss. Their hands move through the hair and the body of their lover. Toshiya sank down from the wall to the ground, pushing Kaoru down with him, their mouths still together. Kaoru pressed his lover down to the hard carpeting, pinning him with the weight of his own body. Toshiya broke the kiss to breath, saliva bound their mouths. Kaoru’s hot mouth and his taste made Toshiya breathless, aroused and made him drunk with passion. He looked at Kaoru’s beautiful eyes.

"Aahhh……" Toshiya moaned as Kaoru massaged him between his legs. His hand sent the warm through the textile of his pants. "I want you, now!!!" Toshiya said, his voice husky and full of need. He licked over Kaoru’s lips.

"Here? But the ground is as hard as rock. You will get hurt." Kaoru said pulling his lover into his arms.

"I don’t care! I want you to fuck me. Here and Now!!" Toshiya’s voice was demanded making him even sexier in Kaoru’s eyes. Once more Toshiya was pressed against the hard ground, pinned by his lover’s body. An evil smile passed over Kaoru’s face, gently rocking their hips together.

"As you wish!!"

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Shinya rested against the closed door of his appato. He looked at it. The sunset dove his appato into dark light, making long shadows on the floor. "Then till tomorrow" he heard his voice resound in his head. "Then till tomorrow" Why did he feel so bad? He didn’t know why he was getting so angry, so sad. Normally he was calm when someone ignored him or teased him, but since some time ago he had begun to feel very sad. It was like an old memory hurting his mind and his heart. He turned the lights on, walking into the living room. He sat down at the couch, and let out a deep sigh.

Shinya looked at a photo. It was his favourite from Dir en grey; they had taken it after their first live-gig.

* I thought you had solved this problem! * A voice said in Shinya head, who was still facing the photo. He stand up and left the living room, he had the feeling the photo was looking at him. In the field, Shinya faced his reflection in the mirror. He saw his face without any sign of make up and he thought back to his favourite photo, where he was styled pretty. When he put some make up on, he could look in the mirror and he could be seen by others without being afraid that they or even himself could see his feelings. But now he faced his naked face in the mirror and it was like the reflection was looking at him, deep into his soul. Shinya wanted to look away but he couldn’t.

* I thought you had solved this problem! * Shinya got closer to his reflection, touching his lips in the mirror. The voice in his head got louder. * But it seems that this are far away from being solved. You were always bad at lying to yourself. You don’t care about the fact that the other ignored you, you just care about the fact he is ignoring you too. You thought you had forgotten it, solved it … you thought that you could run away from yourself and your damned heart … but see, see your reflection in the mirror, look at you!! You failed … you lost !!! *

"No !!!" Shinya screamed, finally able to turn away from the mirror. "No, that’s not true. I don’t care if he ignores me. I don’t care that he doesn’t love me. I don’t care … don’t care!" Shinya ran into his bedroom and let himself fall on the bed. "You lie! I don’t care if he doesn’t love me. I don’t care." Shinya felt something cool running down his cheeks. He touched it with his fingers, it was wet. He brought them on his lips, it taste salty. He was crying!

Some minutes later Shinya fell in a restless sleep. Soft sobs were emitted from his mouth into the silence of the room, and tears kept running down his cheeks.

"….Dai - su - ke…" Shinya whispered into the silence "….Die…."

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It was a shrill sound that woke Shinya up. For one moment he was confused, not sure why he had been asleep, but then he remembered the voice and his mind wandered again to Die. Again he heard the sound. Shinya dragged himself to the phone and pick up the receiver.

"Moshi moshi…"

"Shin-chan, it’s me Die." Shinya heard Die’s familiar voice through the telephone. Fate seemed to be completely against him. "Shinya, are you still there?"

"Hai…. What is it?" Shinya’s voice was getting cold. He didn’t know why. He wanted to be nice to Die but he was afraid that Die would begin to tease him; it’s like protection, Shinya thought.

"We all want to go out tonight, go and drink something, band-evening. I wanted to let you know. Do you want to come with us or do you feel sick or something? You don’t sound so good! If you want to stay home we underst …."

"No, I feel good! Sure I’m coming. Where do we meet?"

"9 p.m. at Kyo’s place. Kaoru is picking us up there. Is that okay for you?"

"Sure. I’ll been there. Bye …"

"Bye bye."

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A bit after 9, Kyo, Die and Shinya were picked up by Kaoru and Toshiya. During the ride to the club Shinya questioned himself again and again why he was here. He looked out of the window, his forehead touching the cool glass.

* I’m here to divert myself. If I’m alone at home I’ll begin to think too much. And that could end badly. Tears, the feeling of loneliness, heartache! * Shinya glanced at Die, who was talking with the others about the club.* But it is risky to divert myself with a group with the person who is the cause of this in it. This could end badly too, but it could also be fun. *

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The club was full in the evening. Shinya and his band mates were sitting on a table together and they were talking about the last week, about the new album, their producer-sama (Toshiya still claimed that Yoshiki-san must be asexual. Toshiya’s quote: "He is super sexy, but he has no lover!"), about their last vacation and about the band-couple (to Kaoru’s regret. He was tired of hearing: "If one of you two had said a single word to us we would have helped you, and you two love-birdies would have come together easier.")

Shinya was enjoying this evening, the diversion was good and Die’s presence was nice, without a feeling of fear and Die was not teasing him much and Shinya felt great that he could laugh with Die. It felt good to be with his friends, to laugh and to talk a lot and have fun. Shinya laughed and talked so much that Kaoru and Kyo asked him if he was drunk.

After a few hours, quiet settled over the Dir-en-grey-table. The talking, the music, the dancing and the alcohol had done their effect. Kyo had been asleep for a few minutes against Shinya’s shoulder. Toshiya and Kaoru had only eyes for each other again; after they dance a slow dance, they began an endless a private dance of sweet kisses and touches.

Shinya saw that Die was sharing some looks with a sweet girl with long brown hair. He watched this game for a few minutes; they looked at each other, looked away, smiled shyly and picked nervously at their hair and then they began the game again.

The girl gave Die an unmistakable sign, she gave him a big smile and pointed at a chair beside her. Die smiled victoriously. He stood up, took his jacket from the chair and said good bye to his friends:

"I’m going now. There is a sweet girl waiting for me. Don’t wait for me to go home, ne. Mata!"

"Mata ne…." Toshiya and Kaoru said between a kiss.

"Mata ne." Shinya whispered, so soft, that Kyo’s snoring drowned Shinya’s voice.

Shinya sadly watched Die and the girl. He watched them some time, as they sat at the bar, talking and drinking together, till they went to the dance floor. In the crowd of people, Shinya lost them.

Shinya looked back at the table. His mind was confused, millions of emotions passing through his mind. He felt lonely and was jealous. The girl, he hated her. Why does no one shoot that bitch down before she had the chance to steal his precious Die. Shinya began to wonder about himself. Why was he thinking such horrible thoughts? Die wasn’t his!! And that girl surely was a nice person. Shinya felt bad.

Suddenly, Shinya noticed something that he had been ignoring at this moment. A young man at the bar was looking at him. He sat near the place where Die and the girl had been sitting. How long had he been looking at Shinya? Why was he doing this? Shinya looked away, but he was curious and after a few seconds he looked back at the guy. He looked at the guy’s face, Shinya saw him smiling. Again he looked away. What was he doing?? He was playing the same game that Die played with the girl. Again the same stupid game, but Shinya was not sure if he wanted to play this game. Shinya forced to himself to look away, but suddenly he saw a red-hair-person at the exit. It was Die!! He left the club with the girl. Shinya’s heart broke with jealousy. He looked back at the young man, the sign that he was giving Shinya was clear. Shinya pushed Kyo away from him without waking him up. Shinya left his friend and went to the bar. He was sure that nobody noticed his departure.

Why was he doing this? Die wouldn’t get jealous. Why????

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End of part one

to be continued

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