Forked Tongue

Las Vegas body modifier Nathan McKay, 24, complained in November about the difficulty of getting proper medical care: further surgery to prevent his already surgically forked tongue from fusing back together and removal of all teeth (and replacement with platinum implants). Said McKay, who also has 1-inch-stretched holes in his earlobes (for holding ebony disks): "I want my tongue split ... as far back as possible, to the uvula, so I have two separate strands in my mouth." The original surgeon was a family friend, but he has balked at the follow-up. Said McKay, "I'm not trying to turn myself into anything except someone to remember."

- Weird News

New's Year's Eve

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

- CyberCheeze

Baking Powder?

A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) is encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.

- Idiot Story

Relations

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

- Joke-A-Day

FAMILY

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
and you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the
company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of days. But the family
we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of
their lives. And come to think of it, we pour
ourselves more into work than to our own family.
Unwise investment indeed, don't you think?
So what is behind the story? Do you know what the
word FAMILY stands for?
FAMILY=(F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER, (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU!

- Thanks, Karla

THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

British bookmakers were left with payout costs of more than $150,000 Tuesday after several cities in the United Kingdom received unexpected snowfall on Christmas Day -- defying the weather pundits.

The bookies hurriedly shortened the betting odds from 8/1 to 4/7 as snow fell Monday night in Edinburgh, Glasgow and Leeds, Scotland, and the hills of northern Wales and the English Midlands. But the damage had been done, with bets exceeding $150,000.

It was the second year in a row that bookmakers were caught by the weather. In 1999, Britons out for a flutter earned generous payouts after London received a "technically white" Christmas -- a few flakes that fell on the roof of London's Weather Center.

- ArcaMax Weird News

New EMS Guidelines

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

- Joke-A-Day

COOL SITE

East of the Web presents this splendid collection of short stories organized by theme: fiction, romance, crime, sci-fi & fantasy, humor, horror, hyperfiction, children's, and non-fiction. How perfectly civil of them. Most of the stories are wonderful, and thanks to public interest copyright law, they're all free. Read them onscreen, print them out for the train ride home, or download them onto your Palm Pilot.
http://www.short-stories.co.uk/