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Click here for the 01-15-2001 Newsletter

Attitude Toward Whiskey

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

DISCOVERY DISPATCH

FOUND: THE BIGGEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE

Contrary to what you may have expected, it isn't Bill Gates' bank account or Bill Maher's ego. In fact it's a supercluster of quasars and gallaxies about 6.5 billion light-years away.

http://www.discovery.com/news/briefs/20010109/sp_ap_cluster.html

DON'T JUST TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER ...

Learn how it works ... and how it has a way of reminding us who's boss through hurricanes, floods and droughts.

http://www.discovery.com/guides/weather/weather.html

PREDICT THE WEATHER AT DISCOVERY STORE!

Tornados. Hurricanes. Blizzards. Rain Showers. Be the first to predict the weather with your very own cool weather gadgets including weather radios, forecasters, videos, books and more!

http://shopping.discovery.com/genre/1139-1537-1.html

Discovery.com

JURY DUTY

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Douglas replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Douglas responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Douglas stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Trivia Question:

Is the Earth really round?

(answer below)

Riddle from RiddleNut.com

A mile from end to end, yet as close to you as a friend. A precious commodity, freely given, seen on the dead and on the living. Found on the rich, poor, short or tall, but shared among children most of all. What is it?

(answer below)

cartoon

QUICKIES

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

When your wife/girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat"?
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

FUNNY QUOTE

Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive."

THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

A New York state woman is claiming that the "You may have already won" Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes contributed to her cousin's death.

"This time of year it makes me ill to see the Publishing Clearing House contest come in the mail," Dolores Imzero told WRGB-TV in Schenectady, N.Y.

Last January, Imzero's cousin, Helen Zajac, fell on the ice outside her Schenectady, N.Y. home and froze to death. She was found dead in the snow the next day.

"My cousin was certain she had won; she got her hair done and because she was sure that the Prize Patrol was going to come to her house she went outside to shovel her driveway and walk," said Imzero.

"Her home was filled with magazines; you had to move magazines off the chair to sit down and they were everywhere," Imzerso added. "She was convinced that if you bought magazines you increased your chance of winning because they had to open the envelope to get the order."

Last August, New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer announced an $18 million multi-state settlement with Publishers Clearing House over its sweepstakes promotions. Among other terms, PCH is prohibited from using "You are a Winner" proclamations unless it provides in equal prominence the important qualifying conditions necessary for winning. It also must tell consumers that "Buying Won't Help You Win."

- ArcaMax Weird News

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

  • 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  • 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
  • 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
  • 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
  • 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • 16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people
  • 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield ..
  • 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  • 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • 25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    •

    Trivia Answer:

    Columbus knew it: what goes around literally comes around. If you start out in any direction on this planet and don't deviate from your course, you'll wind up back where you started -- 754 roadside fast food hamburgers later. You will not fall off the edge of the Earth.

    But does that prove that the world is round? No, just that it's roundish. Actually it's an oblate spheroid. Say what? It's flat at both poles and sticks out a bit in the middle.

    Hmmm. Flat at the top, flat at the bottom, with a bulge in the middle. Sounds like my 49-year-old neighbor. He's bald and has flat feet and middle-aged spread. But hey, his wife thinks the world of him.

    Riddle Answer

    A Smile :)

    HELLO FROM SNOPES.COM

    Your corner of urban legends sanity on the World Wide Web!
    http://www.snopes.com

    If after this update you're still left wondering about something newly-arrived in e-mail, we hope you'll feed a few keywords from it to our search engine at:
    http://www.snopes.com/info/search
    air your suspicions to our knowledgeable band of regulars on the message board, or fling us an e-mail to: snopes@snopes.com.

    Still Haunting the Inbox

    There are lots of virus announcement and virus hoax e-mails afoot. We try to keep current on them and do our best to point visitors to authoritative links confirming or debunking them.
    http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/virus/virus.htm

    Last year's hoax about mysterious blue envelopes from The Klingerman Foundation containing sponges soaked in a deadly toxin is back for another run.
    http://www.snopes.com/toxins/klinger.htm

    Likewise, the petition decrying proposed cuts in funding to the National Endowment for the Arts has also risen from the grave.
    http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/petition/nea.htm

    Kelsey Brooke Jones ain't missing, although someone intent upon keeping this email alive re-dated the 1999 e-mail about her to 2000. This one has been a strange story all the way through.
    http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/children/kelsey.htm

    No one is trying to get "Touched By An Angel" cancelled, nor is there a plot afoot to remove all mentions of religion from the airwaves. This tomfoolery has been around for more than a quarter of a century, and there was never anything to it, even while Madalyn Murray O'Hair was alive (which she isn't).
    http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/petition/fcc.htm

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