RIDDLENUT.COM

1. A group of soldiers were standing in the blistering sun facing due west. Their sergeant shouted at them:
Right turn!
About turn!
Left turn!
In which direction are they now facing?

2. If you have six men and they each had six baskets. Each basket has six cats inside and each cat has six kittens. Assuming all are whole and healthy, how many legs are there?

3. A hunter met two shepherds, one of whom had three loaves and the other, five loaves. All the loaves were the same size. The three men agreed to share the eight loaves equally between them. After they had eaten, the hunter gave the shepherds eight bronze coins as payment for his meal. How should the two shepherds fairly divide this money?

4. When Ashley was six years old she hammered a nail into her favorite tree to mark her height. Ten years later at age sixteen, Ashley returned to see how much higher the nail was. If the tree grew by five centimeters each year, how much higher would the nail be?

5. Two identical tanks full of water are being drained at the same time. One of the tanks has one -two centimeter circular drain outlet and the other has two -one centimeter circular drain outlets. Will one of the tanks empty faster than the other?

6. Every Tuesday evening Sam Mann drives up to his cottage to visit his wife. On these weekly visits he drops off his clean clothes and picks up the dirty laundry. Since Mrs. Mann changes her underwear each morning, what is the minimum number of underwear she can own?

Answers at the bottom of the newsletter.

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SPINOFFS OF THE "I LOVE YOU VIRUS"

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:

- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.

- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

MIDNIGHT PHONE CALL

We all know what it's like to get that phone call in the middle of the night. This night was no different. Jerking up to the ringing summons, I focused on the red, illuminated numbers of my clock. Midnight. Panicky thoughts filled my sleep-dazed mind as I grabbed the receiver. "Hello?" My heart pounded, I gripped the phone tighter and eyed my husband, who was now turning to face my side of the bed.

"Mama?" The voice answered.

I could hardly hear the whisper over the static. But my thoughts immediately went to my daughter. When the desperate sound of a young crying voice became clear on the line, I grabbed for my husband and squeezed his wrist.

"Mama, I know it's late. But don't...don't say anything until I finish. And before you ask, yes I've been drinking. I nearly ran off the road a few miles back and..." I drew in a sharp, shallow breath, released my husband and pressed my hand against my forehead.

Sleep still fogged my mind, and I attempted to fight back the panic. Something wasn't right.

"And I got so scared. All I could think of was how if would hurt you if a policeman came to your door and said I'd been killed. I want...to come home. I know running away was wrong. I know you've been worried sick. I should have called you days ago but I was afraid.... afraid...."

Sobs of deep-felt emotion flowed from the receiver and poured into my heart. Immediately I pictured my daughter's face in my mind, and my fogged senses seemed to clear, "I think ---"

"No! Please let me finish! Please!" She pleaded, not so much in anger, but in desperation.

I paused and tried to think what to say. Before I could go on, she continued.

"I'm pregnant, Mama. I know I shouldn't be drinking now...especially now, but I'm scared, Mama. So scared!" The voice broke again, and I bit into my lip, feeling my own eyes fill with moisture.

I looked up at my husband, who sat silently mouthing, "Who is it?" I shook my head and when I didn't answer, he jumped up and left the room, returning seconds later with a portable phone held to his ear.

She must have heard the click in the line because she asked, "Are you still there? Please don't hang up on me! I need you. I feel so alone."

I clutched the phone and stared at my husband, seeking guidance. "I'm here, I wouldn't hang up, " I said.

"I should have told you, Mama. I know I should have told you. But, when we talk, you just keep telling me what I should do. You read all those pamphlets on how to talk about sex and all, but all you do is talk. You don't listen to me. You never let me tell you how I feel. It is as if my feelings aren't important. Because you're my mother you think you have all the answers. But sometimes I don't need answers. I just want someone to listen."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at the how-to-talk-to-your-kids pamphlets scattered on my nightstand. "I'm listening," I whispered.

"You know, back there on the road after I got the car under control, I started thinking about the baby and taking care of it. Then I saw this phone booth and it was as if I could hear you preaching to me about how people shouldn't drink and drive. So I called a taxi. I want to come home."

"That's good honey," I said, relief filling my chest. My husband came closer, sat down beside me and laced his fingers through mine.

"But you know, I think I can drive now."

"No!" I snapped. My muscles stiffened and I tightened the clasp on my husband's hand. "Please, wait for the taxi. Don't hang up on me until the taxi gets there."

"I just want to come home, Mama."

"I know. But do this for your Mama. Wait for the taxi, please."

I listened to the silence fearing. When I didn't hear her answer, I bit into my lip and closed my eyes. Somehow I had to stop her from driving.

"There's the taxi, now." Only when I heard someone in the background asking about a Yellow Cab did I feel my tension easing. "I'm coming home, Mama." There was a click, and the phone went silent.

Moving from the bed, tears forming in my eyes, I walked out into the hall and went to stand in my 16-year-old daughter's room. My husband came from behind, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head. I wiped the tears from my cheeks.

"We have to learn to listen," I said to him.

He studied me for a second, then asked, "Do you think she'll ever know she dialed the wrong number?"

I looked at our sleeping daughter, then back at him. "Maybe it wasn't such a wrong number."

"Mom, Dad, what are you doing?" The muffled voice came from under the covers.

I walked over to my daughter, who now sat up staring into the darkness.

"We're practicing," I answered.

"Practicing what?" she mumbled and laid back on the mattress, but her eyes already closed in slumber.

"Listening," I whispered and brushed a hand over her cheek.

- Thanks Brenda for this one!

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SALESMAN

A salesman came to Bill's door, selling books. Now Bill's wife is at work and Bill is usually the one who does most of the house chores.

Well Bill answered the door wearing his apron and the salesman goes into his sales pitch about how this one book he has would do half of Bill's work for him.

Bill ponders this for a minute and then he says "Are you sure this book will do half of my work for me?"

"YES SIR Absolutely!" answers the salesman.

Bill said "Well now in that case I reckon I'll take me two of them books!"

BUNCH OF SHORT FUNNIES

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, sweetie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "I want a divorce."

He says, "Sorry, I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "that'll certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said " Why me, Lord, Why me. All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said "Because, Jill, there's something about you that just pisses me off"

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I can deal with that.

If you're a bear, your husband EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

I wish I was a bear.

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

HIDDEN NET TREASURES - Ay Matey!

Time for Spring and redecoration. Lots of ideas at homestore.
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100 Top Kids Sites
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RIDDLENUT.COM ANSWERS

1. East. A right turn is 90 degrees, an about turn is 180 degrees, and a left turn is also 90 degrees. Therefore, the soldiers are now facing east.

2. 6,060. There are six men who each have six baskets. This equals 36 baskets. Each basket has six cats which equals 216 cats. Each cat has six kittens which equals 1,296 kittens. Therefore the kittens represent 5,184 legs. The cats represent 864 legs. The men represent 12 legs. The sum total is 6,060 legs.

3. The shepherd who had three loaves should get one coin and the shepherd who had five loaves should get seven coins. If there were eight loaves and three men, each man ate two and two-thirds loaves. So the first shepherd gave the hunter one-third of a loaf and the second shepherd gave the hunter two and one-third loaves. The shepherd who gave one-third of a loaf should get one coin and the one who gave seven-thirds of a loaf should get seven coins.

4. The nail would be at the same height since trees grow at their tops.

5. The tank with the one -two centimeter drain outlet has twice the area as two -one centimeter outlets and will therefore empty first.

6. Fifteen. Every Tuesday Mrs. Mann receives seven pair of underwear and also leaves seven for Sam to wash. That equals fourteen, plus the pair she is wearing.

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