SHORT FUNNIES (or funny shorties)

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.

One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, where did I come from?"

Her mother stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As the mother gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.

When she was finished, Little Rita said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."

- Dave Barry

RIDDLENUT.COM

1. Jack and Joe were on vacation and driving along a deserted country road from the town of Kaysville to the town of Lynnsville. They came to a multiple fork in the road. The sign post had been knocked down and they were faced with choosing one of five different directions. Since they had left their map at the last gas station and there was no one around to ask, how could Jack and Joe find their way to Lynnsville?

2. Peter Rabbit was starving! He came to a farmer's lettuce garden but it was surrounded by a picket fence. Peter knew he must eat soon or he would die. He could barely fit through the fence in his present condition and he knew that if he entered and ate the lettuce he would be unable to fit back through the fence. If the farmer happened to come by he could not escape. The lettuce was too large too fit through the fence. How could Peter eat the lettuce and still manage to escape if the need arose?

3. Mr. and Mrs. Mustard have six daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the Mustard family?

4. If boiling water is poured into a thick drinking glass as well as a very thin wine glass, of the two, which is more likely to crack?

5. This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why? Study it, think about it, and you may find out. Try to do it without coaching. If you work at it for a bit it will dawn on you. So jump to it and try your skill at figuring it out. Good luck - don't blow your cool!

- Answers at the bottom of the newsletter.

http://www.riddlenut.com

SUMMER VACATION

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

LOTS OF SITE LINKS TO CHECK OUT

Where can you help fight breast cancer, give comfort to children with AIDS and vitamin deficiencies, assist landmine victims, feed the hungry and save the rainforest? A few clicks WILL make a difference - make The Hunger Site and its sister sites a daily stop! You'll help others and feel better too! - http://www.thehungersite.com

Welcome to KISSTHISGUY.COM, the only domain named after the world's most commonly misheard lyric (or is it? http://www.kissthisguy.com/jimi.html for the full scoop on Hendrix and this "mishearance.")

Dumb and Dumber in Real Life - We all know them. People who give new meaning to the word stupid. Ok let's admit it. Sometimes that person is us - http://www.sebourn.com/stupid/stpers.html

Office Pranks make work a little more fun - http://www.gwally.com/pranks/office/

HeHeHe - http://www.absolutehumor.com/bottlesofbeer.htm

The ultimate music trivia site - http://www.thisdayinmusic.com/

Stupid Cupid Training School - http://www.circusx.com/games/stupid_cupid.html

Fun tests, tests and more tests. All kinds of tests. - http://www.emode.com/

Welcome to 99dogs.com! THE ultimate destination for customized shirts on the web. - http://www.99dogs.com/

Visit Python-online to catch up with the funny chaps of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Why DID those knights say "Ni"? Find out here! - http://www.pythonline.com

The Last Page - http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

SUCCEEDING 101

Learn to use your Computer, Windows and the Internet the way the experts do with the Weekly Succeeding 101 ezine. Subscriber questions welcomed and individually answered.
More information at: http://secondfloor.hypermart.net
Send blank email to: succeeding101ci-subscribe@listbot.com

BOREDOM

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

TITLE

Dear Lord:

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.

God bless my Mom and Dad,
And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord'.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits send.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM
Remember each who've said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen

- This came from several of my e-mail friends, so I send it back out to them and all the rest.

RIDDLENUT ANSWERS

1. They need to stand the signpost up so that the arm reading Kaysville points in the direction of Kaysville, the town they had just come from. With one arm pointing the correct way, the other arms will also point in the right directions.

2.Peter crawled through the fence and brought the lettuce back to the edge of the fence. He squeezed back through the fence to the outside and proceeded to feast.

3. There are nine Mustards in the family. Since each daughter shares the same brother, there are six girls, one boy and Mr. and Mrs. Mustard.

4. The thick glass is more likely to crack since glass is a poor conductor of heat. In a thin glass, the heat passes more quickly from the glass into the surrounding air, causing the glass to expand equally. When hot water is poured into a thick glass, the inner surface expands, but the outer surface does not. It is this extreme stress on the glass that causes it to crack.

5. The letter e (the most common letter in our language), does not appear in the paragraph.

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