LET'S MAKE A DEAL

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya".

THINGS WE LEARN FROM CHILDREN

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

COOL AND FUN LINKS

STATES AND CAPITALS
Your online source for everything related to the states and their capitals. There really is a lot of information here on every state, well worth a look and to bookmark for a school reference.
http://www.50states.com/

PARENTINGHUMOR.COM
For all the parents out there that need a little humor relief in your busy life of family and kids, this site and it's newsletters are for you.
http://www.parentinghumor.com/

WOOF! IT's A DOGS LIFE!
For dog lovers and owners alike, there are many questions and few simple answers -- how to select a dog that suits your lifestyle, how to train and feed that dog, what to do if your dog seems aggressive, shy, or anxious? Now the PBS series WOOF! It's a Dog's Life with Matthew Margolis answers these questions and many more using Uncle Matty's simple and effective dog training techniques and his trademark philosophy of "love, praise, and affection."
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/woof/home.html

ORIGINS OF COMMON EXPRESSIONS
They're called idioms and you use them every day. But that doesn't mean that you know much about them. An idiom is a commonly used phrase such as "the whole nine yards" or "raining cats and dogs".
http://www.colonize.com/c.php3?i=cs,06081,o3&e=11609362

TWO SEA MONSTERS

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadnīt, but I just canīt help myself once I start. Everyone knows you canīt eat just one potato ship."

SHORT FUNNIES (or funny shorties)

I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

A man goes to a fortune teller to seek his fortune. The fortune teller says, "You are the Father of two children."

The Father laughed and said, "That's what you think, I'm the Father of three."

The fortune teller laughed and said, "Nope. That's what you think."

One employee to another; "And when the boss' son starts work here next week remember that he's not supposed to have any special privileges or authority. Treat him just like you would anyone who is due to take over the whole company in a year or two."

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said.

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But... if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak -- don't wait any longer."

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

George Johnson, a hard-bitten man of early middle age, had evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Nancy. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Nancy?"

She smiled and said, "Oh yes, George."

There followed a long silence, till Nancy said, "Well, say something more, George."

And Johnson said hollowly, "I think Iīve said too much as it is."

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

SITES TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

STOOPIDEST.COM
What's here: All kinds of humor, all in one place. Almost everything here is accompanied by a rating system, so the easily offended among you can spare yourself the irritation of viewing/reading/listening to something that's going to wind up your shorts.
http://www.stoopidest.com/

CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING A US CITIZEN
Congratulations! You are now a U.S. Citizen. After tireless nights spent memorizing American history and the names of your thieving Congressmen and Senators you have been granted official membership in one of the most prestigious and elite countries in the world. Along with your newly found status you now qualify for many hidden benefits that you had no idea existed.
http://www.zeroflux.com/archaec/CITIZENSHIP.html

ROULETTE

A man walks into a casino and goes to the roulette table where he gets some chips. The man is about to place his bet on black when he hears a voice in the back of his head say "red 27". So the man going on his intuition places the money on red 27. The ball goes around a few times and lands in red 27. The man is amazed by what has just happen so he wants to do it again. He goes to place his bet and hears the same voice say "black 13" so the man puts some of the money on black 13. The wheel goes around a few times and lands in black 13. again the man is shocked he now has well over a quater of a million dollars. When he starts to walk away he hears the little voice again say "let it ride". So the man goes back to the table and puts all the money back on black 13. the wheel spins around a few times and the ball lands in red 19. Then the man hears the little voice again say " damn"!