ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these here are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

- Smiles, Melissa

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL FIND THESE DAYS ON THE INTERNET...

ALL ABOUT THE DOLLAR BILL
That's the actual paper -- the folding green itself. There's lots of meaning in those odd symbols on the artwork with George Washington...
http://www.funklix.com/DollarBill/DollarBill.cfm

THE BUSY PERSON'S GUIDE TO CREATING YOUR OWN FUNERAL
... or Memorial Service, if you prefer. Write your own eulogy, design your own casket, arrange the flowers and get everything ready -- Make SURE they follow your final wishes!
http://wz.com/people/CreatingYourOwnFuneral.html

- From LinkyDinky
Well, our fearless Internauts forage the web each week, looking for useful, bizarre and fun web sites.
http://www.linkydinky.com

THE CALL

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"

"But don't you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"

"See you tonight, dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks ...

"So, who's phone is this?"

HOW ABOUT LOTS AND LOTS OF LINKS

LEGAL SURVIVAL
The highly acclaimed site features a quarterly online newsletter, online bookstore, law FAQs, checklists, prepaid legal plans, find a lawyer, attorney marketing services, useful forms, helpful links and an articles forum. It has extensive information on consumer, debtor/creditor, divorce/family, DWI/traffic, e-commerce, elder, estate planning, health care, immigration, landlord/tenant, municipal, personal injury, real estate, small business and tax law.
http://www.legalsurvival.com/index2.htm
- From Mouse-Clicks
http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register

THE GREAT ILLUSION
http://www.thegreatillusion.com/introduction.html
- Smiles Bearsy

FREE HORROR: SOUNDS AND IMAGES FOR HORROR FANS
Everything horror fans need to darken their computers! Wav files, desktop wallpaper, screensavers, icons, cursors, stationery, and more!
http://www.freehorror.com/

USELESS FACTS
There is actually nothing really special about us. Just a bunch of middle aged lazy workers who sit around the computer and fax machine eagerly waiting for the latest useless facts to be sent to us by our many reporters.
http://www.uselessfacts.net/

FREE HORROR: SOUNDS AND IMAGES FOR HORROR FANS
Everything horror fans need to darken their computers! Wav files, desktop wallpaper, screensavers, icons, cursors, stationery, and more!
http://www.freehorror.com/

WILDERNESS INFORMATION NETWORK
It's officially summer, which for many of us means that it's time for a little outdoor recreation. If you're seeking something a little out of the way, where there isn't a concession stand in sight, you could use a dose of good, old fashioned wilderness. This site will help you to find nationally protected wilderness areas throughout the United States.
http://www.wilderness.net/

"CODE ADAM" FOR MISSING CHILDREN IS REAL, BUT THE E-MAIL IS NOT
By Dr. D. Bunk
Even if they tug on your heart-strings, don't be fooled by e-hoaxes that concern missing and exploited children. Dr. D. Bunk would never take the subject of missing children lightly, but there is someone out there who does. Recently, two e-mails have been circulating that concern missing and exploited children. One is obviously an e-hoax based on a real and very worthwhile program, while the second is a little more difficult to pin down.
http://www.zdnet.com/zdhelp/stories/main/0,5594,2774718,00.html
THE CODE ADAM WEBSITE
http://www.missingkids.com/html/code_adam.html

BREAK THE CHAIN
The Mission of Break the Chain is to educate people about the e-mail chain letters circulating on the 'net, share the facts, give our interpretations, and provide the tools and information people will need to make their own decision about the validity of a message.
http://www.breakthechain.org

THE AMERICAN MIDWAY
A Celebration of, and Guide to, Amusement Parks and Roller Coasters in the United States. Contains information geared toward helping an individual or family member plan a vacation. Includes park reviews, links to official park web sites, insider information, and links to weather forecasts.
http://www.americanmidway.com/

PILOT EGO

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level. After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got acup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."

ASSORTED SHORT FUNNIES

When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that? She´s on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don´t forget to give it to my son."

Mike was lying on his deathbed. "You only have a little while longer in this world," the kindly parish priest warned the sick man. "If there is anything you would like before you go, I shall do my best to get it for you."
The weakening patient replied,"Father, I'd like to hear the village band play once more."
The band was summoned and played its best, after which Mike remarked, "Now I can die happy. There'll be nothing in hell worse than that."

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

A man walked into a bar one time with a steering wheel out his zipper. He sat down at the counter and asked for a drink. As he was sitting there a man next to him said "hey sir you have a steering wheel out your zipper." The man replied, "yeah I know it's driven me nuts."

A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911 and when the paramedics arrived, they asked him if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Six months after her husband who was a waiter died, his widow went to see a psychic, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Honey!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."

After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"

CABIN IN THE WILDERNESS

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

MR. PRESIDENT

President Bush's aide informs the President that he has a meeting set up next week with Yoweri Museveni from Uganda.

Bush: What? I just had a meeting last month with the Nigerian President Olus... Olas.... Olisegun Oba.. Obes.. whatever his name is.

Aide: Mr. President, the Nigerian Presidents name is Olusegun Obasanjo.

Bush: Well what's this guys name that I am supposed to meet with next week.

Aide: His name is Yoweri Museveni.

Bush: Yo.. yower.. Mas..Muse. Mussy..Vini.

Aide: It is pronounced Yo-Wer-I Mus-E-Veni.

Bush: Yower wower meany weenie, you know what, I don't want to be President anymore.