3 RETIRED LADIES

This story is about 3 retired ladies, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a baseball game.

Lets see how good a detective you are in solving the riddle:

3 elderly ladies went to their first Reds game, something that was an occasion of great excitement for them. To add to the excitement they smuggled in a bottle of booze to the game & immediately started to enhance the soft drinks they had bought. It was a good game as there was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in the stands. All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly empty...

By now I have given you enough information to tell what inning it is and how many runners are on base.....do you know the answer?.....

Answer at bottom of the newsletter!

SOME OF MY FUN FAVORITES

Short Stories At East Of The Web
Find current featured stories below and in each of the categories above. You can browse the library by category or search it for a title or part-title (eg. 'Usher' ), author (eg. 'Twain') or keyword (eg. 'love'). Clicking on an author's name lists all their stories along with further information and links. Stories can be read online, printed or downloaded for reading offline or on Palm devices.
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Project Gutenberg
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Guinness World Records
http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/home.asp

Encarta World English Dictionary
North American Edition - The online dictionary that speaks to you.
http://dictionary.msn.com/

Books by Title - Page by Page Books
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OF TEENAGERS AND CATS

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy - a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

LOVE IN FLORIDA

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

I MUST BE DEAD

A husband and wife are in bed one morning. He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

He says, "Why not?"

She answers, "Because I'm dead."

Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts."

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES

• Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
• One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
• Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
• It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

SOME SHORT FUNNIES (or funny shorties)

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. He got out and worriedly looked up and down the road. After a while, a farmer came to help with his big strong horse named "Buddy" and offered to help get the car out of the ditch. The farmer hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Finally the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Lenny, pull!" And then the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer explained, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do?
They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.
Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better. The wife also comes up with a theory -- that all pills do NOT come in bottles.

Boudreaux and Pierre decided to go to the casino.
Boudreaux told Pierre as they entered, "All right Pierre, we'll meet here in an hour, OK?"
"OK, man," said Pierre.
Well, when they were done, Boudreaux was broke, but Pierre had a bucket full of quarters.
"Man, were you got all 'em quarters?" asked Boudreaux.
Pierre, leaning close, whispered, "Man, I don't want to say this too loud, but you see that game over there, every time I put in a dollar, it gives me four quarters!"

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland during World War II, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran allied pilots.
The German decoy "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

JUST WITH WORDS

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department headīs office. Heīs a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said "two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

3 RETIRED LADIES

Answer to the riddle.

Have you figured it out yet?

Answer: Its the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

- Smiles WishM@ster

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