CHOOSE

• My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
• Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or...
• I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
• Today I can grumble about my health or...
• I can rejoice that I am alive.
• Today I can mourn my lack of friends or...
• I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
• Today I can whine because I have to go to work or...
• I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
• Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or...

I can feel honored because Life has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have! Why not make it a GREAT day???

IT'S QUIZ CENTRAL

Although they can teach you a lot about yourself and the world around you, please remember that these quizzes are no substitute for a traditional formal education. With that said, please enjoy:

Fact or Science Fiction? http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn132

Name That Body Part! http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn133

Biggest, Fastest, Strongest Creatures http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn134

That '70s Quiz http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn135

For TRUE Junkyard Wars Fans Only http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn136

The Scoop on Snakes http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn137

How's Your Self-Esteem? http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn138

Are You Ready To Commit? http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn139

The Headache Test http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn140

Find Out Your IQ http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn141

Shark Puzzlers http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn142

Do You Know Your Animal Giants? http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn163

Test Yourself on America's National Parks http://chtah.com/a/aA7YVfCAFqpj3AFq-1AAD0IDf-P/dyn144

Copyright 2001 Discovery.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

DELTA'S PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

WHAT BIRD IS THIS?

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."

Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

LOTS'SA LINKS FOR FUN

NET DONUT
Have you had your Cyber Snack today?
http://netdonut.synack.org/

REALLY LAME JOKES FOR KIDS
http://www.parentinghumor.com/cgi/hulaugh/hulaugh.cgi?display:942368427-25136.txt

DINO DIRECTORY
Dinosaurs ruled the Earth for 160 million years. What were dinosaurs? If you do not know, here is a brief introduction. Which ancient reptiles were NOT dinosaurs? This database is a guide to the most well-described dinosaurs: it is not complete.
http://flood.nhm.ac.uk/cgi-bin/dino/

CHEAP TRICKS - THE WISEGUYS SUPERMARKET
Don't waste your money on food -- waste it on practical jokes! Stink Bombs, Shock Lighters, Bullet Hole Stickers, Cig Loads, Fake Puke, and more supplies to put the FUN back in dysfunctional.
http://www.fakecrap.com

THE QUOTE PROJECT
The Quote Project is a nicely categorized quotation site where you can browse by category (d-uh), or search for keywords or by author. I find it to be a very useful resource and a nice site to visit to kill a little time.
http://www.quoteproject.com/
Recommended by Booj: http://www.boogiejack.com

HOUSEHOLD HELPER
At Household-Helper we strive to bring you the best free home repair and improvement information on the web. Our topics cover: plumbing, electrical, appliances, garden care, lawn care, small engine repair, automotive repair, stain removal, swimming pool repair, and much more!
http://www.household-helper.com/

THE JEWISH SAMURAI

Back in the time of the Samurai, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai. So, he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes Whoooooooossshhh, Whooooossshhh, Whooooossshh!

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

SHORT FUNNIES (or funny shorties)

GOD IS WATCHING
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,"take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

THROW IT OVER BOARD
"Shall I bring you your lunch on deck, sir?" asked the cruise ship steward.
"No," replied the queasy passenger, "just throw it overboard and save us both some time."

ARMS FULL OF COATS
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and IŽll go honk the horn."

A BAD FALL
A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

NINE LIVES
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'd die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

PATERNITY
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenage boy with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black make-up around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

MARTHA STEWART WAY VS MY WAY

• Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
• My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
• Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
• My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
• Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
• My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
• Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
• My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
• Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
• My way: Buy the juice in the plastic bottle, and you can squeeze out every drop with very little effort.
• Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
• My way: Eat at Logan's every night and avoid cooking.
• Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
• My way: Feed your garbage disposal, and there won't be any leftovers.
• Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
• My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
• Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt. My way: If I over salt a dish, that's too bad.
• My motto: If I went to the trouble to actually make it, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
• Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator, and it will keep for weeks.
• My way: And the aluminum foil will prevent aliens from taking control of the celery by sending invisible control waves into your fridge???!!!
• Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
• My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't do it.
• Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
• My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?!
• Martha's way #13: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
• My way: If you crack open an egg and the smell knocks you down, you will know it isn't fresh.
• Martha's way #14: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
• My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works for you is because when you rub lime juice on your forehead it drips down into your eyes. Then the problem isn't the headache anymore, because you are now blind.
• Martha's way #15: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
• My way: Leftover wine?
• Martha's way #16: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
• My way: Call in the guys! They're good at opening jars.
• Martha's way #17: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
• My way: I'm sure mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. ;-)
• Martha's way #18-21: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
  * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
  * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
  * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
  * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
• My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once!