Greetings and Salutations!
Cold and rainy here in Mid-Missouri this morning. Have a smile or gut-wrenching laugh on us today. Hope you like the new format we are now using, reply and let us know what you think.
The stuff here is generally 'PG' rated and maybe a few that some might call 'R' rated, but nothing tooooo bad. :-) Enjoy!
A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies. To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..." "Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" (Thanks, Brenda)
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" (JokeADay)
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said. (Joke4U)
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet." (JokeADay)
A 52-year old Hong Kong man who said being hit by a motorcycle hurt his sex life has been awarded a year's supply of Viagra as part of his court settlement. The South China Morning Post reports the judge awarded Cook Chan Kwun-tak $550 to purchase the medication. The money is part of a $320,000 compensation package for Chan, who was hit by a motorcycle in June 1997. Chan originally asked for $5,500 worth of Viagra -- enough for a
10-year supply -- to solve his sexual problems. But the judge ruled there was no reasonable evidence a 10-year treatment was necessary. This is the first time a Hong Kong court has awarded money for Viagra. (Weird News)
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal." said the nobleman. "Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved him? Penicillin. The nobleman's name? Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Someone once said: What goes around comes around. (Thanks, Don)
A recent survey showed that the nine out of ten men that preferred Camels have switched back to women. Then there was this Eskimo who rubbed noses so indiscriminately that he contracted snif-yphilis. After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night. Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited." My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. (Thanks, Brenda)
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!". "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . . The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot! Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..." . . . He's a dead ringer for his brother !!! (Thanks, Don)
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?" (Thanks, Don)
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had." (Humorshack)
Three generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Marine General about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!" He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general. "Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!" "YES SIR!!" replies the private. "Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first." "YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. "Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!" They look to the Marine. "Private," he says. "YES SIR!!" "Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst." The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!" The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!" (Police Newsgroup)
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