LOAN APPLICATION FOR THE CLINTONS

Welcome to our bank, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton! So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place for 2.2 million? With the customary 20% down that's $440,000, leaving a mortgage of $1,780,000. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher? And I see here that you'll be out of a job in just 6 months. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow, I bet that will be some kind of a money maker!

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for the Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year. That's assuming, of course, you're elected. So, even with your pension, you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial. Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work, I see.

But you have other experience? Yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this White water Development Corp? It went bankrupt.

And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt.

And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. I see.

You actually did go to Yale you claim? A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.

Let's look at your assets. You owe $4.5 million, Mr. Clinton? How do you expect to pay that off? Any legal problems? I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Oh, you're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically, you're relying on the kindness of strangers?

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school?

Say, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application? Of course, you are right, it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.

Are there any other legal matters we should know about? Mrs. Clinton? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap? But you're not totally sure, right?

That means there's a remote possibility, note that I say "remote." that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mail bags for the feds, at the same time that Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. There's also a looming criminal indictment. And your only tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford Mustang?

Tell you what, we'll give you a call.

(Thanks, J. Arthur)

Embarrassing Moments!

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." -Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Dumbstruck......

I was standing at the checkout with my two-year-old son, and there was a heavy set gal in line a head of us. As the cashier scanned the lady's items, the bar-code reader gave off a continuous beeping sound. All of a sudden, my son said loudly, "Mommy, watch out! She's going to back up!" That was the only time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole. - Heather Barlow, 21, Hortonville, WI

Nuts About You......

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied," No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall......

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off-pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative on lookers. - Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop,

Pad, please!.....

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

(Thanks, Karla)

How to Say I Love You

English............................... I Love You

Spanish............................... Te Amo

French................................ Je T'aime

German................................Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese.............................. Ai Shite Imasu

Italian............................... Ti Amo

Chinese............................... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish...............................Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Missouri,
Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia,
Virginia, and Kentucky................Nice Tits

(Thanks, Don)

Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.

(Thanks, Brenda)

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate." The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

(Thanks, Brenda)

A Chain Letter

Dear Friends, This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then, bundle up your wife or girl friend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, remove his name from the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter,a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER: this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but, DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

Bill Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC

Wild Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC

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