PARENTING WANT AD

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above- mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

- Smiles from Steve at Worldstart
http://www.worldstart.com

LOTS OF COOL SITES TO VISIT

Geography Network
The Geography Network is a global community of government and commercial data providers who are committed to making geographic content easily accessible.
http://www.geographynetwork.com/

It's A Grand Ol' Flag
It has changed 26 times since the first official U.S. flag was approved by the Continental Congress on June 14, 1777
http://www.readingeagle.com/krt/holidays/flag1/flag.htm

U.S. Flag Ettiquette
The flag is the embodiment of our ideals for the nation, and as such should be treated as a respected elder patriot. You might think of it as the Uncle Sam seen on WW II recruiting posters or as George Washington. Welcome it into your home. Display it with respect, put your hand over your heart in silent pledge of allegiance as it passes by on parade and sing our national anthem with a joyful heart that our flag is still there, representing freedom to choose our leaders.
http://www.sar.org/colors/flagetti.htm

The Police Notebook
Internet safety for kids, personal safety, crime prevention, fire safety, first aid and a section on drugs and alcohol.
http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/warn_kid.htm

Spencer Gifts On The Net
Chances are, if you grew up near a mall, you grew up near a Spencer Gifts store - which means you grew up with racy posters on your wall, edgy t-shirts on your back, and funky incense burning in its very own holder. These fun stores are notorious for having the best assortment of irreverent, trendy, and fad-based merchandise. Along with decorative lighting, expect to find music and horror collectibles, rave necessities, and the greatest gags ever. There are currently 700+ Spencer Gifts stores in 48 states throughout the US.
http://www.spencergifts.com/

History Of.....
The Internet is an amazing resource tool. It allows us to travel through both time and space with a click of a button. The amount of information out there is staggering. Unfortunately, it is not as well organized as a library or set of encyclopedias. It can be a real adventure trying to research a topic and there are usually a few mishaps along the way. I have tried to make it a little easier for students of Western Civilization and World History.
http://history.evansville.net/hist_of.html

OLD! WHO? ME?

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, 'Because of the Seniors Discount.'

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me,
He said, 'For you Seniors the coffee is free.'

Understand, I'm not old, I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer; can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own; I have the receipt!
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit, not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old, I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray, saying 'blonde' is just right.

My car is all paid for; not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, 'Old duffer, get off of the road!'
My car has no scratches, not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's 'Hell bent.'

My friends all get older, much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got 'character lines, not wrinkles, for sure.
But don't call me old, just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new.
And I think I can still dance a mean swing or two.
I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure.
I'm not really old, I'm only mature.

- Smiles from Rick B.
Laughter is the best laxative there is for a constipated mind. Humor is an ideal spoon to dose it.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS

• It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
• Dogs cannot lie.
• Dogs never resist nap time.
• You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
• Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
• Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
• Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...
• Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...
• Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
• Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
• If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed.

SHORT FUNNIES (or funny shorties)

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride."

A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the lady driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into the truck driver's lane and jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a slight collision.
Unhurt but obviously harried, the lady driver rushed over to the truck driver and started to bawl him out, barking, "You knew I was going to do something idiotic. Why didn't you stop to wait and see what it was?"

Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She told the Mailman that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen Hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?" A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them." After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

THE VAMPIRE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

OH......

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put into replace the first four pews. "It worked. We got the front of the church filled first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot'n'Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."

- Smiles from Brenda

MORE GREAT LINKS (had a lot this time)

Fight Mental Flab!
Think one part Richard Simmons and one part Alex Trebek. Give your brain a brisk workout by bending your mind around these puzzles.
http://school.discovery.com/brainboosters/bbarchive.html

Dummystickers.Com
Humorous warning stickers for dummies. Print them from your computer for free.
http://www.dummystickers.com/

Oldies Heaven
Here some of the oldies on your PC.
http://www.oocities.org/oldiesheaven/index.html

The World's Dumbest
Collection of unbelievable dumb people stories!
http://www.uselessfacts.net/dumbest/

Murphy's Laws Site
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.
http://fileoday.com/murphy/

Smithsonian Institution
Welcome to the Smithsonian Institution's HistoryWired: A few of our favorite things. This experimental site introduces visitors to some of the three million objects held by the National Museum of American History, Behring Center.
http://www.historywired.com/