GOD AND SATAN

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

(Thanks, Don)

GEORGE MEETS MOSES

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

(Bartender's Jokes)

INGREDIENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL PERSON - GUTS

Every successful person I know, every All-American, every top executive, has guts. It takes guts to look raw failure in the face and start all over. There hasn't been one winner in this world who hasn't at some point failed. The sweetness of success is surviving the battle. As Vince Lombardi once said, "Man's finest hour is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle--victorious! Pursuit of Excellence - There's no place like first place. You've got to want to win so bad that when you lose, you rot inside. Anybody can be ordinary - all you have to do is breath. I'm sure you've heard "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." That's hogwash. Can you imagine a surgeon saying, "It doesn't matter if my patient lives or dies but how well I make the cut." Or the president saying, "We don't need to win the war, we just need to fight them well." Pursue excellence. Be the best you can be. If you are a mechanic, then be the best mechanic. There is more pride and satisfaction in being a first rate truck driver than a tenth rate executive. All it takes is all you got. Sweat - The only job where you can start out at the top is the job of digging a hole. Success takes a lot of hard work, so instead of sitting around waiting for something to turn up, how about starting with your sleeves! Dig in, nobody ever drowned in sweat. Pat Summit said it well "too many people are born on second base and think they've hit a triple." Don't wait for your ship to come in if you've never sent one out!

(Cup of Inspiration)

MIDDLE FINGERS IN THE NEWS

Janet Woods, the acting principal of Strong Vincent High School in Erie, Pa., angry at reporters' questions about a rumored gun incident, allegedly displayed a middle finger and told camera operators to "Shoot this!".

And in Chiang Mai, Thailand, Kamol Kaewmora, 50, recipient of the gesture, was arrested and charged with shooting to death the 41-year-old German motorcyclist who had displayed it to him.

In August, a state court in Lancaster County, Pa., and a federal court in Fayetteville, Ark., dismissed criminal charges against people who had made the gesture, and the Arkansas judge in fact ruled the defendant's right to flip the bird at a state trooper was protected by the U.S. Constitution.

(Weird News)

BORDER PATROL

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

(JokeADay)

WEEKLY QUOTE!

"The success of a marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person that they inevitably realized they married."

'John Fisher'

A COUPLE OF FUN LINKS TO CHECK OUT

EVERYONE NEEDS A LAUGH SOMETIME
http://www.funnymail.com
DESCRIPTION: FunnyMail.com is here just for your amusement. No grand scheme, or elaborate plan to take over the world, just for fun! We at FunnyMail think that everyone needs a laugh sometime. Our mission is to provide the most amusing, funny site on the Web! We want to be a site that approaches laughter in new and silly ways. Thanks to the new technology of the all powerful and mighty Internet, we can meet the comedy needs of people worldwide! We will work hard to keep the site fresh, new and continuously updated.

WORLD'S TOP CARTOONISTS AND LARGEST BANK OF CARTOONS
http://www.cartoonweb.com
DESCRIPTION: Cartoonists Writers Syndicate's Cartoon Web welcomes you to the wonderful world of cartoons. --- 550 renowned creators from 50 countries. Cartoons updated daily/weekly. Easy-to-navigate design. All cartoon genres: political, humor, carica-ture and illustration. A unique cartoon and graphics resource.

SOMETHING TO PONDER

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess."

Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct."

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. "What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word.

Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful.
My son is all I have left."
"Bob"

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message, please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.

(Thanks, Lara)

A COUPLE OF QUICKY'S FROM BRENDA

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

Vicki, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Vicki confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."