"The best laid plans go a fowl"
-Wile E. Coyote

Well, it has been an eventful week around the house as we tried to update the main computer. The computer update, upgrade, and upallnight has become a near yearly ritual at our house. We understand that you have to keep the computer components current with the latest hardware out there to run some of the latest more advanced programs. In this case the catalyst was "Diablo II". Lucy, my wife, loved playing Diablo and had to have the sequel when it was available. I was able to put her off for a short time, but eventually had to give in.

The old 450 processor just ran too slow and the graphics were choppy so a new video card was needed also. This is due mostly to all the extra gizmos plugged into our motherboard that wants to be used also, so a new motherboard was needed as well.

The end result was rebuilding the computer from the case up. The new system seems to be working well and all now seems right with the world. We started this project last Tuesday and we finished it up late Sunday night. We had the normal plagues that hit you when your attempting any type of project, newly purchased parts that were bad, so you waste a couple of hours making sure that it's the part instead of something silly that you may have done. Old part failure so they had to be replaced; two floppy drives and a keyboard. We also ran into the age old this part wouldn't play with that part which is common with electronics. A bigger hammer doesn't work, but sometimes you are very tempted to try anyhow. I will admit that I talked to it "nasty" a few times, but I kept my composure and did not strike or shoot it.

The end result is that Diablo II now runs to the boss's satisfaction. The kids have the equivalent of a year old computer to use and I have a new computer in the same old case, with the same old keyboard, the same old,,,,,, you get my drift. That is why the E-Mail is late this week.

HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman

(Thanks, Don)

"AIR FORCE MAINTENANCE ISSUES"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right", and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Weekend Golf

As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, "How was your weekend, Mike?"

"I played a round of golf. I hit two of my best balls," he replied.

"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.

"Well, uhhh, I stepped on a rake."

(JokeADay)

Stevie and Tiger

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Tiger replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

And Tiger says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Stevie replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

(Thanks, Don)

Election Day

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words...
Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

(Thanks, Mike)

Bless My Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

YOU, YOU DIRTY RAT:

Frank Balun found that a rat which had been eating his garden plants had been caught in a squirrel trap, but was still alive. When it tried to escape, he killed it. Naturally, the Hillsdale, N.J., area Humane Society gave him two citations, charging him with "needlessly" killing the pest. The administrator of the local board of health praised Balun's actions, and promises to support him if the case goes to court. The Humane Society said the rat should have been "humanely put to sleep by injection" or "set free in a nature environment" instead of being killed by Balun. (AP) ...Brooklyn, take note: guess what "nature environment for a rat" means in Jersey?

Why do we carry a torch for someone?

"I don't want to set the world on fire," goes the song. "I just want to start a flame in your heart." Or perhaps just induce heartburn, depending on how the romance goes. But no matter what course love takes, we often resort to fire for metaphors to describe it.

This particular expression derives from another of life's passionate activities: politics. In 19th century America, people cared enough about their party's candidates to march in parades for them. These campaign parades were great spectacles. Bands joined in the fun, and partisans carried torches to show how strongly they felt about their favorite. Eventually, "carrying a torch" as an expression of passion also became synonymous with strong romantic feelings for someone.

Of course, in love as in politics, you don't always win. You may even get burned.