A PET THAT DOES EVERYTHING

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture has been cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa have been plumped, and the plants have been watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next, he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Thirty minutes later, the centipede still hasn't returned. By this point, the man is wondering what's happened. So, he peers out the front door, and to his surprise, the centipede is sitting on the front step.

"Hey! I sent you down to the corner store thirty minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the problem?"

The centipede explains, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

TRIVIA QUESTION:

Just what is plum pudding and why aren't there any plums in it?

(answer below)

FAST FACTS:

Throwing the book at you How many times have you seen an image of the Statue of Liberty? She holds up a torch in one hand and carries a book in the other. Do you know what is printed on that book? "July IV, MDCCLXXVI."

A significant date, you will no doubt agree. Which reminds me of one of many theories explaining the fall of the Roman Empire: The barbarians overran it because the Empire's legions had so much trouble with dates written in Roman numerals that they showed up on the wrong day for major battles.

(Ok, ok! It's July 4, 1776.)

GOOD DAY SUNSHINE

T'was 20 years ago , when the Beatles got together to play. Since then, they have never gone out of style, and yes, they are guaranteed to raise a smile.

OH! DARLING, it's been A LONG AND WINDING ROAD that has led the Fab Four from the Cavern of Liverpool to the Internet super highway.

Listen, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? Well, as of YESTERDAY, the Beatles have made the jump into cyber-space with the official Beatles Web site now allowing Beatle fans ACROSS THE UNIVERSE to COME TOGETHER on line, EIGHT DAYS A WEEK.

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND as I walk you through this amazing Web site dedicated to what is undoubtedly one of the greatest rock bands that ever lived.

This is A BEGINNING. This is where EVERY LITTLE THING about John, Paul, George and Ringo will be available HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.

HOW DO YOU DO IT? Easy. THERE'S A PLACE on the World Wide Web that will KEEP YOU SATISFIED. ALL TOGETHER NOW, let's COME AND GET IT. Simply click on http://www.thebeatles.com and experience A DAY IN THE LIFE of the immortal British band.

This is quite SOMETHING for SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND, who stepped out of the psychedelic age into the digital REVOLUTION.

The Beatles were indeed a phenomenon and their music is still widely appreciated. WHY? There is a simple answer that YOUR MOTHER SHOULD KNOW. Just GET BACK to this site soon, as it's GETTING BETTER all the time. It's a real TASTE OF HONEY. GOOD NIGHT and GOOD BYE.

THE END P.S. I LOVE YOU

(Thanks to UPI's Claude Salhani in Washington)

THREE FROM DON K.

BAPTISM
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they thought because they weren't baptized.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We'se got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?' So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion is we?
We'se not catholic cause they pour the water and we'se not Baptist cause they dunk all of you."
The littlest one said, "I smelled dat water and I knows wat we is.......we's Pisscopalians."

SHARED PURCHASE
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

GOD vs SCIENCE
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

WEB SITES WORTH A VISIT

NOLO - LAW FOR ALL - SELF-HELP LAW CENTER

DESCRIPTION: Nolo's mission: To increase the average person's access to the law. --- The web is the greatest tool ever created for making useful, up-to-date legal information available to almost everyone. With our website, we link directly to our readers, whether they live in Boston or Bristol. Don't want to buy a whole book? Just select the form you need, or download a short "eGuide" on a particular topic. We now customize legal information to your needs as never before.
PUBLISHER: Nolo.com, Inc. / Nolo Press, Berkeley, CA, USA.

http://www.nolo.com/

ON-LINE BOOK PAGE DIRECTORY

DESCRIPTION: The On-Line Books Page is a directory of books that can be freely read right on the Internet (e-books). It includes: An index of thousands of on-line books on the Internet; Pointers to significant directories and archives of on-line texts; Special exhibits; and more!
EDITOR and PUBLISHER: John Mark Ockerbloom; University of Pennsylvania Library, Philadelphia, PA, USA.

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/books/

Yo Joe!

{Classic military heroes} "He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble!" No, he's not He-Man; I'm talking about G.I. Joe, a *REAL* American hero. If you watched the cartoon every weekday afternoon (like I did), or if you collected the action figures (with the Kung Fu grip), then this site will satisfy your nostalgic cravings. Read up on all your old friends: Shipwreck, Crankcase, Frostbite, Lady Jane, Sergeant Slaughter, Bullhorn, Cobra Commander... and hundreds of others I can't name offhand. Remember their file cards? Cardboard dossiers, if you will. Well, you'll find 'em here, too, along with commercial clips, comic books, games, and classified ads where you can buy, sell, and trade all your memorabilia. Now you'll know more about Joe than you ever did before... and knowing is half the battle.

http://www.yojoe.com/

WHAT'S PRETTIER THAN FRECKLES?

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!", a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

(Thanks, Lil)

THE CLASS REUNION BY AN OLDER WOMAN...

I had prepared for it like any *intelligent* woman would.

I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.
The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..."
Bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled ... and I got the formal all the way up to my knees before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way!

Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B. The black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store; the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads, Then the makeup - the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all day face-lifting gravity fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...but first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream.

I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful.
Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black, lacy, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, hamhock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead, but I was done. And it didn't look bad.
So I rested.
A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"
Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees.

But I was firm! Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom.
And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro.
But the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.
I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

I was ready for the bra.

I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around -- put the bra on the way it should be worn --straps over the shoulders, bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."
Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating.
I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging.' Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift!
I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up!
My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!
I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chinrest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Why did I buy heels with buckles?

And then I had to pee again.

Think I'll go fix myself a drink and skip the %#$@! reunion! Hope you recover sufficiently to pass this along to others.

(Luv it Lil)

TRIVIA ANSWER:

Here's a dish with a peekaboo ingredient: who knows where it's hiding. In fact if you were to dive into a plum pudding with sensitive electronic detection devices, you would find nary a plum in the place.

A treat for desert since the earliest Thanksgiving celebrations, plum pudding's ingredients include flour, sugar, spices and suet (fat). This mush is steamed, not baked, and is unleavened, making it pudding rather than cake.

As for plums, the stealth ingredient that lends its name to this post-turkey goo, credit linguistic practices currant, uh, current in colonial America. "Plums" and "plumbs" were what they called raisins, the final ingredient in plum pudding.