OFFICIALLY DECLARING WAR

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

LESTER'S WEB SITE PICKS

Christmas Trees and More
http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/hort/trees.html
This site is full of information about Christmas Tree history, tree types and care. It also offers a listing of Christmas Tree Farms, holiday recipes and traditions.

Christmas Tree Selection and Care
http://ianrwww.unl.edu/pubs/forestry/g866.htm
This guide discusses types of trees, tree species, cut tree care, offers tips on decorating trees, considers tree disposal and laws governing the display of Christmas trees and even suggests a proper type of tree stand. Them there tree stands are important cause it no fun coming home to find yer tree on the floor! He he, just ask Bubba-Joe.

Holiday Lights
http://www.tigertech.com/hlights.html
Holiday Lights strings rows of Christmas tree bulbs around the edges of yer screen, with festive music playing in the background. It even includes a screen saver with gently falling snow and other seasonal choices to put you in the holiday spirit. Ho! Ho! Ho!

How Christmas Works
http://www.howstuffworks.com/christmas.htm
Have you ever really stopped to think about some of the Christmas traditions that we have? For instance:

• - What are the 12 days of Christmas?
• - Why does everyone, even Floridians, dream of a white Christmas?
• - Why is there a tree in your living room?
• - Why do we hang oversized socks on our mantle?
• - Why does Aunt Mary always give us a fruitcake?
  - Where do these bricks come from?
• - Why ask why? Try ... oops.

(Redneck Puters Gazette)

MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS

Driving during the holidays can be stressful. Make sure you reach your holiday destination by preparing your car and yourself for this high-traffic, high-danger season.

Holiday travel is a busy, harried time. Make sure you, and your vehicle, are up for it.

Don't take a holiday from safety. Be sure youngsters are properly seated and buckled up.

You're locked inside the family car for hours, slogging it out with other holiday-time drivers. The kids are cranky, your spouse is tired, and you're on edge, thinking about all the things you've left unfinished.

Welcome to the holiday drive time, that time of year when stress, fatigue, distractions, holiday parties and winter weather combine to make some of the most dangerous driving conditions.

The National Safety Council predicts nearly 400 people will die in automotive crashes over the four-and-a half-day Thanksgiving holiday, and another 26,300 will suffer injuries in car crashes.

So how do you cope with the holiday stresses and stay safe on the roads?

Get a Car Checkup

First, be sure your vehicle is in good shape for that long drive to the in-laws or that trek over the mountains to Aunt Jennie's.

If you haven't already had your car inspected for the colder winter weather, by all means get your vehicle to a reputable shop before embarking on that holiday travel. Among the major items to have checked are:

The battery and charging system. Very cold temperatures can reduce a battery's power by up to 50 percent. The American Automobile Association (AAA) advises that batteries more than two or three years old be checked for strength so you avoid inconvenient and costly breakdowns.

The oil. AAA notes that dirty oil makes it harder for the engine to turn over in cold weather. Change the oil at least as frequently as recommended in your vehicle's owner's manual, and keep air and oil filters clean.

The tires. Worn tires don't provide sufficient traction, especially in wet weather. Be sure the tire pressure in each of your tires matches that recommended by the tire manufacturer. Don't forget your spare. And if you see uneven wear on one or more of your tires, have a specialist look for possible alignment, suspension or wheel-balance problems.

Belts and hoses. AAA notes that these items deteriorate over time and should be checked before brittle, cold weather takes its toll. Also examine windshield wiper blades and replace those that are worn. Fill the windshield washer reservoir for the long winter season.

Cooling system. This system should be inspected annually and the strength of the antifreeze, namely, its freezing point, should be checked to make sure it's up to taking you into those cold temperatures.

The lights. Winter brings shorter daylight hours and longer nighttime hours, so headlights, taillights and brake lights are even more critical than usual. Make sure all of yours are in good working order.

Exhaust system. Be sure your system is working properly and is free from leaks.

Managing Stress Is Important

We hear it every year: The holidays are a stressful time.

This year, resolve to leave that stress outside your car. Don't let it affect you behind the wheel.

How? Practice stress-management techniques. When you sit down in the driver seat, take a moment before starting the car. Take deep breaths, not shallow ones. Pull the air in deeply, hold it a second or two, then exhale long and strongly. Use your diaphragm.

As you clear your lungs and body of bad air, clear your mind of your stresses. Resolve not to think of them while you're in the car. Instead, pledge to focus on the drive and your responsibility behind the wheel to keep yourself and everyone else in the car safe. Consider turning off that cell phone while you're in the car, too, so you can avoid distractions and further stress. And listen to relaxing tunes.

As you drive, be sure to look far down the road, not just at the bumper of the vehicle in front of you. This will help you better control your car by giving you a view of what's ahead. It also will help you prepare for sudden stops or traffic backups.

Allow enough time. Don't wait until the last second to head out to your destination. Plan your travel time realistically and keep in mind that roads this time of year can be busier than at non-holiday times.

The Fatigue Factor

Don't drive if you're drowsy. Take a break if you need one; the kids may need one too.

At least ten percent of drowsy drivers speed while driving, according to an official at the National Sleep Foundation. And, he said, there's a tendency to be irritable and impatient at the wheel when you're fatigued.

There are even worse consequences if you fall asleep while driving, of course. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates at least 100,000 crashes, 71,000 injuries and 1,500 deaths each year in the United States are the result of drivers falling asleep.

Adhere to Safe Driving Practices

The holidays are no time to take a holiday from safety.

Don't drink and drive. Review your medications, too. Be sure they don't impair your ability to drive.

Make sure you and all your passengers are properly buckled before you start the vehicle. Adjust vehicle head restraints to just about even with the top of the ears of each passenger. In this position and locked into place, the restraints can provide protection during a rear-end crash.

Keep children age 12 and under in the back seat, away from frontal airbags that may cause injury or death to little ones. And be sure they're seated safely, as needed, in child seats or on booster seats.

Secure heavy packages and gifts, including Aunt Jennie's shiny waffle iron, so they don't become dangerous projectiles in a crash.

Keep your gas tank full. It may be necessary for you to change routes or turn back during a bad storm, or you may be caught in a traffic delay.

So please my friends, be careful, be safe and have a great holiday season.

(MSN Carpoint)

HOW THE GORINCH STOLE THE ELECTION
Every Who down in Who-ville thought laws meant a lot... But the Gorinch who wished to rule Who-ville did NOT!
http://www.gopfun.com/goreinch.htm

CHRISTMAS HUNK
http://www.funshack.com/xmasstud.html

THE SANTA DANCE
http://www.thesantadance.com/

SNOW JOB
http://www.funshack.com/filexmas.html

CHRISTMAS WARNING!
http://www.christmaswarning.com/

GONE FISHIN

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

TOY RAFFLE

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

HELP WANTED

Position: MOM

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in a chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be dispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Here is some Love and a Hug for all future applicants and all those currently working this job.

(Thanks to several who sent this)

HOW TO BUY SAFELY ONLINE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

You're a savvy online buyer. But do you know the right tricks so you won't get burned? I've got seven tips to protect you this holiday season -- some you might not have heard.
http://www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/stories/story/0,10738,2660322,00.html

(Jesse Burst - ZDNET)

Microsoft has launched a new consumer-oriented Web site dedicated to helping people keep their personal information secure and private when using the Internet.
http://www.microsoft.com/privacy/safeinternet/

THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

Thailand is investigating the unauthorized sale of its embassy in the Netherlands to a Dutch businessman for $1.4 million. Supposedly, the former ambassador -- who served in the post from 1996-99 -- sold the embassy property in May 1999 without approval from the Thai government. The case made headlines last week after a Dutch businessman demanded the current ambassador vacate the prime real estate in the heart of the Dutch capital. The ex-envoy has claimed he was tricked into signing the sales contract, which he said was in Dutch. But Thai officials are inclined not to believe him.

(ArcaMax Weird News)