Part One: In Silence

She watched him silently from the shadows. The way his hands moved among the bars. And they were gentle. How could a killer’s hands be so caring? He knelt down to softly stroke the lion’s mane, lost, perhaps, in his thoughts. He knew where to pet the great beast so that it purred in contentment. Just a big cat.

Trowa must have taught him that.

She had come down to the lion’s cages expecting to find her brother who was so often in their company, but she had found him.

Sometimes it amazed her how close those two had become. Sometimes she thought it was so natural that it must have been predestined. Did the fires of fate burn in those two hearts?

He stood up. Back straight and arms by his sides. So formal. Yet there was something… He turned, the light wind blowing his pale blonde fringe about his face. His blue eyes shining with a hint of gold in the afternoon light. His small mouth turned at the corners in a contented smile. The perfect picture of happiness.

She had been so pleased for Trowa; he had found someone who he cared about and who would care for him. They fitted so perfectly together. Then why didn’t they realise? Why did they merely act like friends when they should be so much more?

Quatre walked past her without realising she was there, trailing his presence like a velvet cape blowing in the wind. All those who met him could not help but like him; he was so outwardly kind and caring. And all those who knew him could not help but respect him; his strength of character, the knowledge of all he has been through and yet he is still the kind person inside.

He is not like Trowa who wears a mask and covers up his emotions because they are too painful.

Trowa.

She knew she loved Trowa, but it had never been more than if he was her brother. Perhaps if he opened up… but he would only ever do that for Quatre.

Quatre.

The Arabian angel. Kind, caring, strong, gentle, perfect. Could it be she felt more than she realised for the blonde pilot? What if she did? Could she take him away from the one he was truly meant to be with?

Catherine turned and sighed. It was true. Whenever he was in the room she would just sit and look at him. Did Trowa notice? Thinking back over the month he had stayed at the circus, Catherine was shocked to realise how many snippets of conversation she remembered. They way he said things, the way he smiled. She would watch in silence as the two pilots talked together. She could see it in their eyes how much they cared for each other. That it was more than friendship. So what were they afraid of? Rejection? Their feelings? She had never seen Trowa cry until Quatre came. He had had the tears inside him, she could see them in his eyes, but Quatre had set them free. He had held Trowa in his arms and let him purge himself of his sorrow, of the past. He had done so without judgement, without pity, but with the simple thought that that was how it should be.

Catherine had watched from the doorway, hidden in the shadows. They way he stroked his friend’s hair, the look he could give in the knowledge that no one would see. But she had seen. How could Trowa not notice? How could he not notice when she had, and those feelings he had towards her brother had made her feel so strongly about him.

And Trowa. Trowa was happy. Outwardly he hadn’t changed much, he was still the blank faced clown he had always been, but Catherine caught him, when he thought no one was looking, lying on the dark grass at night staring at the stars. At the bright star that was the L4 colony cluster. Quatre would be there, she knew, organising the empire he had inherited from his father. And she would stand and watch it too. She would find herself wondering what the blonde pilot was doing so far away.

Quatre, could it be that I am falling for you? Do you even realise the effect you have on the people who know you? You’re here now, at the circus. For how long I don’t know, yet all I can do is watch you from the shadows, and you will never know how I feel.

Part Two: Feelings

The bright sun shone like a beacon from the sky, illuminating the emerald grass and creating shadows in the waving branches. Earth. Catherine would savour the time she was on the Earth, for she didn’t know where the travelling circus would take her next. Quatre and Trowa sat beneath the veiled branches of the weeping willow, their bare toes in the cool waters of the lake. She wished she could join them, but that would be intruding.

Trowa had come back after the war. He hadn’t asked for a job, or asked if he could stay, he just inserted himself into our lives and it had all seemed so perfect. But then Quatre had come. He doesn’t stay for long, just when he has free time, and then he goes. But when he’s here they spend all their time together. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they just sit, like now, and do nothing. So much they enjoy being in each other’s company. I should feel happy for Trowa, and in a way I do, but if only he would realise. A part of me wants to be jealous of Quatre, for taking Trowa away from me, but I can’t. How can I be jealous of him when I long for his brief visits as much as Trowa does? How can I be jealous of the man I am slowly starting to fall in love with?

Every time he comes I learn more about him. His past, his talents, his hobbies. I know him almost as well as Trowa does now. Maybe I should be jealous of Trowa who spends so much time with him.

Sometimes I wonder why I never felt this way about Trowa. I have always loved him as my brother, but nothing more. At first it was his mystery that drew me to him, and then when he lost his memory it was pity for the once strong pilot that drew me even closer. But it was never more than that. I would never consider him my lover; I could never see him loving me like that. But Quatre, he’s so outwardly charming, so friendly, so kind. He draws me to him as if he is the sky and I am a bird that must fly.

And so I my feelings overtake my sense of what is right and I walk over to the two beneath the leaves.

Quatre looked up and smiled, “Hi Catherine. This is such a beautiful place isn’t it?”

It shines in your presence. “Yes, it is lovely. We’re lucky aren’t we Trowa? We get to travel all over.”

Trowa looked up at his surrogate sister but only nodded in response. She sat down beside him.

“Maybe we should have a picnic for our dinner.”

“That’s a wonderful idea.” Said Quatre enthusiastically

“Hmm. That would be nice.”

Catherine leaned back on her hands and looked up through the leaves. A picnic with my two best friends, what could be more perfect?

It was late when the three of them got back. The moon was high among the stars and all the lights at the circus had been switched off. Catherine said her goodnights and went to bed. She pulled the thick cover over her head and curled up into a tight ball. It had all gone wrong.

Somehow she had felt out of place. Quatre had talked to her and Trowa and she had chatted back. But Trowa, he had hardly said a thing. Generally he didn’t talk much but he was usually relaxed in other people’s company. She had felt the uneasiness radiate off him like heat from a flame. He had wanted to talk, but in her presence he hadn’t known what to say.

Why? She had known it was her and not Quatre. Quatre was so easy to talk to. He had smiled all evening and yet she knew he had felt there was something wrong too.

Oh Quatre, if I had been alone with you.

But even as the thoughts came into her head she had to push them out. It should have been Trowa you were with. It should have been me who left. But I didn’t. I could have easily made up some excuse. You would have realised it was a fake, but then that would have been good… wouldn’t it? But I stayed because you were talking to me and I couldn’t draw myself away from the sound of your voice. And now I have ruined that night for us all.

She turned restlessly in her bed, conflicting emotions spinning around her mind like snakes, trying to strangle her. And what if they did? It would stop the pain. The dull ache in her belly that were her feelings for Quatre and the pain it gave her to know that following her heart would mean driving him away from the one he was meant to be with.

She wrapped the blanked about her and stepped out into the cold night air. She wanted to be alone, away from everything. She wanted to cry but couldn’t. She wanted to turn back time. Every word that Quatre had said to her echoed and rebounded off the walls of her head. She could feel the tears inside her, but they still wouldn’t come.

In the moonlight she could see a figure at the edge of the field. Could it be…? Quatre turned to see her walking towards him. He tried to smile, but for once he couldn’t.

“Catherine.”

“Hi. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah, me neither.” He looked so sad.

“Are you alright.” She walked over to him and touched his hand lightly. “Oh. You’re so cold.”

He gave he a weak smile.

“Here.” She said and put half her blanket around his shoulders. It was a simple gesture. So innocent. And yet perhaps it had the power to change both their destinies.

He was close, so close. He moved closer to her, seeking warmth. She could feel his breath. She was conscious of every place her body touched his. She could hardly breathe, as if he were a wild animal that had strayed close to where she was. He was so beautiful, the moment so precious, yet at the slightest movement he may run off. He closed his eyes and moved ever so slightly closer. She wanted to put her arms about him, to hold him, but she couldn’t. He smiled slightly. Was he thinking of her, or Trowa?

“Thanks.” He said. His smile was only small, but this time it was genuine.

Trowa stared blankly at the wall opposite his bed.

It’s my fault, he thought. Why couldn’t I say something? What was I afraid of? My feelings? Why can’t I just tell him? So many times, so many opportunities I’ve had… and yet there’s always been something. Something that stopped me. I always feel like someone is watching me, when there’s no one there at all but him and me. So many times we’ve been alone and yet I can never say a word.

I suppose I’m happy. I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. And I know that I owe it all to Quatre… if only I could let him know how much he means to me.

Part Three: Why?

Why did I go out that night? Why did I stand beneath the stars and feel like crying. My thoughts had wondered over the evening, the picnic that was supposed to be an enjoyable evening out. It had turned into a disaster but I still couldn’t work out why.

Trowa hadn’t said a thing, but usually we are content in silence. We enjoy each other’s company. Catherine was there, but then Catherine is always there, just in the background. It should have been so normal, but it wasn’t.

I couldn’t sleep and so I went to stand beneath the stars. I knew that if I dreamed I would dream a nightmare. Some parts of the war have never left me, especially the times when I lost the people who were most important to me… Why can’t I say it? Why can’t I say what I almost did…? I was going to kill Heero too.

It was cold outside. I wanted the night air to clear my mind. I wanted it to numb my heart so that I could not feel a thing. I was so cold, my fingers burned like ice and I felt as if I could hardly move, and then she was there behind me. She covered me with her blanket. I could feel the warmth, the comfort of another person. My mind had raced back to the night when I first came to the circus, when neither Trowa nor I could sleep. Why? He had cried his heart empty in my arms. All those painful memories of the war. I had wanted to cry too, but I knew that Trowa had needed me to be strong, and so I was.

He had needed the comfort of another person, and that night so did I. Why was it Catherine who was that person? Why wasn’t it Trowa who sat besides me on the grass? Catherine is his sister, or so they like to address each other, and sometimes I shock myself by being jealous of her for the time she spends with Trowa. Why? It seems so absurd that I should feel that way. And as often as I have thought about it I can find no reason why it should be. Catherine is a genuinely kind person. I saw the way she protected Trowa when he lost his memory, something I can never forgive myself for…

The moon had reached it’s highest point in the velvet sky and soon it would begin it’s descent into morning. Slowly, Catherine had made up her mind and she moved her hand to Quatre’s shoulder. He leaned into the embrace, resting his head on hers and they had sat like that until the bright stars faded from the sky.

We had sat under that blanket, our shoulders together and our arms about our knees. It feels good to be near somebody, to share their warmth and to gain strength from their body against yours. I think we both needed each other’s comfort, I think that she too felt that something had gone wrong. But why then did my thoughts keep wondering back to Trowa? He was alone and some part of me felt wrong about that.

Part Four: Darkness

There was tension in the air. When all three of them were together no one talked and no one looked at one another. The air jarred between them, they could almost hear it screeching. It was thick, suffocating, intolerable. Catherine couldn’t stand it any longer; she stood up, mumbled an excuse and fled from the room. Like fog in the sunlight the atmosphere lifted, you could almost hear the sighs of relief.

They looked across the table at each other. Questions hanging in the air, begging to be answered.

“What’s wrong with us?” said Quatre breaking the silence. “It’s so stupid.”

Trowa looked up, directly into Quatre’s bright blue eyes. The blonde pilot felt he was under scrutiny and squirmed slightly under the others intense stare. Why was every thing so awkward?

Trowa opened his mouth, as if he were about to say something, then he sighed and looked down at the table.

“I don’t know.” Said Trowa quietly, he looked up again. “Quatre, if it’s my fault I’m sorry. I don’t like things being this way with us.”

“Oh Trowa. Nothing’s your fault… it’s just there’s something… but I don’t know what it is.”

Trowa had moved around the table and he sat down on the chair next to Quatre’s, brushing his shoulder with his arm as he did so. Quatre flinched slightly without realising it.

“Trowa I keep having dreams. I can’t sleep because whenever I close my eyes I see all the people that I killed. I keep reliving those battles I fought. I keep loosing people I care about, again and again.”

He looked up at Trowa, whose eyes were full of compassion.

“I have dreams too.” He said, “But that is all they are, dreams. You shouldn’t let them upset you. I know it’s hard and they seem so real, but I also know that you are too strong to let them overcome you.”

He smiled, “Thank you Trowa.”

It was like a photograph, locked away inside his mind. One of those moments he would never forget. When Quatre smiled at him. Yeah he’d had dreams too. Haunting dreams that woke him at midnight soaked in sweat. Sometimes he was sure he had cried out, but no one came. The only thing was, these dreams weren’t of the horrors of war, and sometimes he believed they were even worse.

“What do you dream of?”

You. How can I tell you I dream of you? I dream you love me like I love you, that we’re together, that you come to me in the darkness of the night and make me feel pleasure that I didn’t know existed. And when I wake, alone, I feel like crying, like screaming. And yet I still can’t tell you. I want to comfort you when you’re sad, but I feel that if I put my arms around you I’ll loose control. You drive me insane, Quatre, because I love you so much.

“I’d rather not talk about them.”

Quatre nodded in understanding. “If you ever do want to talk…”

“Thanks Quatre.”

They sat there side by side. Almost touching, but not quite. Was Trowa looking at him? He could see him out of the corner of his eye. You’re such a mystery, even to me who knows you so well. Quatre could feel the warmth of the other pilot’s body, so close. His breath caught in his throat. Why? He became conscious of every movement, however slight, that Trowa made. Why? He craved for the touch of another person, the warmth of an embrace. Why now?

Slowly he stood up. It was late. Perhaps all he needed was sleep.

“If you ever need me Trowa…” he said as he left the room. It was the wrong thing to say. Trowa’s stomach lurched. I need you Quatre… so much.

He woke in the darkness of his room. Dreams again, no, nightmares. Quatre had a strong desire to be with someone, he felt like a small child running to his parents bedroom. He needed the comfort.

The cold handle turned beneath his fingers, slowly he pushed open the door and stared across at the bed in the centre of the room. Why her? Why couldn’t he go to Trowa’s room? His friend would have talked to him, made him see sense. Trowa would point out that the dragon in the darkness was merely an old coat draped over a chair. He had gone to Trowa’s door, but he couldn’t open it. He couldn’t go in. His heart was racing, he wanted to cry.

I’ll go back to bed, he thought. But as he passed Catherine’s bedroom his fingers had lingered on the handle…

Catherine couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of the blonde haired, blue eyed pilot spun about her mind. His voice, his face. She turned towards the door and as if she had summoned him he stood there looking in.

“Quatre?”

He stepped lightly across the room to stand by her bed.

“You couldn’t sleep again either?”

She shook her head. Why did he come here?

“I feel so stupid saying this,” he said, “but I had a really bad dream.”

“When I was younger,” she said almost uncertainly, “when my parents were alive. Whenever I had a bad dream I used to go into their room and climb into their bed. When you’re with someone the darkness doesn’t seem so dark.”

What made her say that? Was it the night masking her face, giving her strength? Was it that she craved another’s touch just as much as he did? Whatever it may be he took it as the invitation it was and slowly, cautiously, climbed beneath her blanket. He would have been happy just to lie on one side of the bed while she was on the other, but she moved towards him and pressed her body against his.

“I’ll protect you from the darkness.” She murmured. And within moments they were both asleep… however not before a tiny thought seeped its way into Quatre’s head. It was small but stubborn and it stayed until he woke. As he slipped silently from beneath Catherine’s arms as the sun rose above the lake, he thought

Trowa. Who will protect Trowa from the darkness?

Part Five: Moonlight

Trowa scrubbed at himself under the pounding water of the shower. He felt dirty, stupid and utterly empty inside. He had been awake since before dawn, down at the lake, washing his sheets. And now he was washing himself. He scrubbed harder at his arms. The pain felt good. At least it was real. He wanted to close his eyes; the soap was stinging them, but every time he did, all he could see were blue eyes, blue eyes full of disgust.

The sun rose high, creating a beautiful day. It was summer and the light seemed lazy. It stretched on and on.

If only the day would end.

They longed for the night, for the cover of darkness, for then they could dream. In the light you can see true. You see what is there. In the darkness you see what you want, you create visions that are somehow far more real than real life. The sunlight grated on their nerves. Every day was worse than the last. It came to be that they couldn’t all be in the same room together, and the worst thing was they couldn’t understand why.

Then Quatre announced that he would leave.

It was like a shattering blow. He was going. The angel of both their hearts. Would he ever come back?

Trowa sat alone in his room, staring out of the window at the reflection of the full moon on the lake. It rippled with silver and sparkled like the stars. It was so bright yet so fragile, so powerful and so beautiful. It reminded him of Quatre. But it had got to the point where anything would remind him of Quatre. Then Trowa made up his mind.

In the morning I’ll tell him. He’s leaving anyway so I can’t be sure It’s because of me… and if he doesn’t come back then I’ll go and find him. Tomorrow, Quatre I’ll tell you.

Trowa was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t see the two figures moving on the opposite side of the lake.

They walked arm in arm. It felt right, good…and yet…

“I’ll really miss you Quatre.”

“I have to go, there’s a problem on the colony.”

“Yeah, I know.” She didn’t really believe it.

They sat down on a rock above the water, their feet hanging over the side.

It is said that the moon is a powerful force. Its gravity has the strength to create tides, to affect the Earth’s orbit around the sun and even some plants grow better at full moon. But I think its most powerful feature is its light. It has an eerie glow that is both beautiful and yet creates shadows darker than death. Creatures change beneath the light of a full moon. They transform into beings of raw emotion, animals of instinct…

The feeling was too strong, the feeling of wanting someone so badly. She reached over and drew Quatre closer to her.

“W – what?” he stammered before she pulled him into a kiss.

It was a strange sensation. Pleasant but odd. It was odd because in that obscure lighting he couldn’t see Catherine; he could only see Trowa. He closed his eyes only to see Trowa’s emerald ones staring straight back at him.

But it was Catherine who pulled away.

“I’m sorry.” She said

He looked up at her in complete shock.

“Catherine?” it was all he could think to say

She turned away. “Please find Trowa, you should be with him.”

Quatre stared. Was it possible that Catherine knew how he felt when he didn’t even know for sure himself? Was it possible that the touch he craved so much was… Trowa’s?

They sat in silence for a few moments before Quatre spoke

“The moon can change people. Sometimes you can see things clearer by the light of the moon than you can in broad daylight.”

“Quatre I love you. And that is why I know you should be with Trowa.”

It made sense. Now it all made sense. It was true. Slowly, but surely he was falling in love with Trowa.  How could he not have realised?

He sat in silence for what seemed like forever before he realised what he had to do, what he had wanted to do for so long.

Quatre hugged her. “Thank you Catherine… You don’t know how much.”

“Go.” She said. And he did.

Part Six: Love

Again he hesitated outside his friend’s bedroom. His friend. I a few short minutes that could all change… Why hadn’t he realised? The feelings now welled up inside him, so strong. Why hadn’t he felt them before? Or had he? He thought it was Catherine. Each time he would turn to her. He knew it wasn’t right but only now did he realise it was Trowa who he should have gone to. It was Trowa who held his heart in the palm of his hand, threatening to squash it. And he would have left. He would have just gone that morning without even realising that he was leaving his heart behind.

Catherine loved him. She loved him enough to give him up. He could not return that love. Perhaps he had thought he could once, but Catherine was like a mask. He had removed the mask to find the face of Trowa.

He pushed open the door and stopped. Trowa was by the window. He turned as Quatre came in. There he was. Trowa Barton. They crossed the room and met in the middle, their eyes locked. Even in the dim light they could see each other’s feelings written on faces that ached to be touched, kissed. There was no need for words. It was all so clear, so simple, so right. Trowa looked down at him, his eyes two emeralds glowing brightly in the darkness. They were glowing, Quatre realised, with love. Trowa loved him. And he was in love with Trowa.

He pulled the taller pilot towards him and felt him gasp as their lips touched. Trowa snaked his arms about him and they fell onto the bed. They kissed and kissed again, their hands searching frantically up and down each others bodies. There were no words, only actions. Actions that screamed louder than any sound.

Quatre. He thought. Quatre. He could feel the Arabians body pressed against his, his hands tugging at his shirt. Was this a dream? Would he wake up? His shirt was pulled up over his head and Quatre fell to kissing his neck, his chest.

“Quatre.” he breathed. The blonde pilot looked up. “Quatre I have to know you’re real.”

Quatre’s hands lingered on his thighs. He felt like he would burst. The tears fell from his eyes.

“Trowa?” the sound of his voice only added to the pressure inside him, the force that was threatening to tear him apart.

“If I wake up and this is all a dream… I’ll die… I’ll die of sorrow.”

Quatre stared straight up into his deep green eyes. “I’m real Trowa.” He smiled, not with his face but with his eyes. He smiled with his soul and his whole life’s force.

“I love you Trowa.”

Trowa almost screamed. His whole body shrieked. He grabbed Quatre by the shoulders and pulled him forwards.

“Take me now.” He rasped. “Quatre, I need you now!”

Trowa opened his eyes. The sunlight streamed across the bedroom and the shadows of the trees outside waved patterns on the walls. His heart felt free, he felt complete. They were two halves. Two halves of the same whole. They were perfect. He savoured the moment of complete peace and happiness. Quatre held onto his waist, he could feel the warmth of his body. It really wasn’t a dream.

He risked a look down at his sleeping lover. Quatre smiled up at him, so he wasn’t asleep after all.

“I love you, my dearest Quatre.”

Quatre reached up to kiss him. He was tired, exhausted, but happy.

“You don’t mind if I change my mind do you?” he said.

“What?!” Trowa gasped. Was it a nightmare? Was he really asleep? Did Quatre hate him? No it couldn’t be.

“I think I might stay here for a little while longer.”

Trowa realised he wasn’t breathing. Quatre felt him relax in his arms. He smothered a laugh.

“I love you Trowa, and I want to stay with you.”

Trowa hugged the blonde pilot even closer.

“Stay with me forever.”

Epilogue

She watched him silently from the shadows. The way his hands moved among the bars. And they were gentle. How could a killer’s hands be so caring? He knelt down to softly stroke the lion’s mane, lost, perhaps, in his thoughts. He knew where to pet the great beast so that it purred in contentment. Just a big cat. It had become a regular thing that Quatre fed the lions with Trowa.

Sometimes it amazed her how close those two had become. Sometimes she thought it was so natural that it must have been predestined. Did the fires of fate burn in those two hearts?

Trowa walked over from the opposite cage and the two embraced. Her heart still ached to see that, but deep down she knew that it was right, that it really was destiny. She wasn’t jealous. It was just too perfect. And how could she hate the two men she loved most in the world?

All those who meet him can not help but like him. All those who know him can not help but respect him. All those who are with him can not help but fall in love…

Quatre, how is it that I love you so much? Do you even realise the effect you have on the people who know you? You’re here now, at the circus. For how long I don’t know, yet all I can do is watch you from the shadows. But now, at least, you know how I feel.