Mother pt1  by Lucy

If you could see me through my mother's eye
      Only then would you begin to realise
      All the places I have ever been
      Have scared me half to death or
      Somewhere in-between

Quatre snuggled deeper into the warmth of his jacket as he stared at the setting sun, through slightly teary eyes. The sky was beautiful he supposed, awash with purples and pinks, like an artist watercolour. Usually he enjoyed watching the sunset, when he had first seen one he couldn’t believe that something so amazing existed on this blue planet.

After living on the colonies, he realised he had missed out on so much. He had thought of Earth as the oppressor, and that he would live on the colonies always, but now sitting here watching a miracle of nature, he fancied that he would very much like to live here all his life.

He smoothed the grass out at his feet, "yes" he thought" I love it here, and I found love here". A frown flashed across his face, and the tears threatened to spill again. "Or at least I thought I had, but it seems it was only on my side " His hand grabbed at the grass under his toes and wrenched it up "silly stupid boy, are you that lonely that you have to make up fantastical dreams of love with the first person you befriend, Trowa...."

***********************************

"Trowa , Trowa, " Quatre puffed out, he couldn’t believe how fast his friend moved

" wait*puff, puff* please!"

Trowa, turned and looked at him, with what Quatre imagined to be a half smile. Well he could never quite tell what Trowa was feeling, quite the enigma that boy. Once you had him pinned down a new facet of his character appeared to flummox you. "Sigh" he thought "that’s why I love him so much". Quatre was about to ask him if he fancied lunch, when he spotted the holdall Trowa was clutching, "Oh, are you leaving already?" Damn, he’d only been here a couple of days. Quatre wished he would stay longer, but then he thought it selfish.

"Ah, it’s a mission" Quatre looked a little down hearted, Trowa noticed, but said nothing. Is he upset I’m leaving?

" Yes I understand" Quatre mumbled. He hated that Trowa went on missions alone. What if he was hurt, what if he didn’t come back, no, no, if I lost Trowa I don’t know what I would do. Stuck in his own thoughts, he almost jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on his shoulder and Trowa face appeared close to his.

" Quatre is anything wrong?"asked Trowa, looking into Quatre's eyes and sighing to himself.
"Quatre what’s wrong ?" He hated anything to be wrong with the blond.

*My friend.*

This thought shocked him to the core. He was a soldier, and there was no friendship to be had in fighting. He had learned that long ago.Thoughts of a blond girl flashed in his mind, and he frowned. No, friend ship and trust are not things of war. He had to keep his heart locked and cold for his own sake, or else it would be his downfall.

Quatre couldn’t do anything, paralysed by Trowa’s touch, I want.... I want his thoughts swimming round in his mind I want to be in his arms I want to feel his lips on mine, oh why can’t he see how much I love him? No, it’s wrong. I.....I can’t

" No, nothing Trowa, I’m fine" Trowa took away the hand, and bent to lift his holdall No, he’s leaving

" Trowa" green eyes looked up to meet his, " Trowa , will you come back after the mission?" Back to me Trowa looked into Quatre’s eyes, there was too much hope in them,.too much hope in me, thought Trowa, I can’t let him, I’ll only hurt him in the end

" No, I don’t think so" That’s it Trowa might as we’ll shoot him in the heart " I’ve been here longer than I should have"

Quatre’s expression crumpled "What?" he whispered, not daring to believe what Trowa had said "What do you mean, I thought we were friends?" Something more than friends

Trowa took a hard breath before he spoke, he was hurting Quatre, he knew it, he could hear the tears in his voice, and even though Trowa’s mask remained in place, he knew the tears were hurting him too.

" There can be no friendship in war, Quatre. We’re both soldiers we can be nothing else.". With that Trowa turned to leave, turned so as not to see Quatre’s face, not to see the tears, turned and walked away, so he himself would not falter.. There’s nothing in my life but fighting, Quatre, I’m nothing but a marionette being pulled by my masters. I can’t let you be like me.

***************************************

Quatre shivered as night fell and the air grew colder, he had not moved from the spot upon which they had spoke, all day, he had dared not move, dared not believe what Trowa had said was true.

" There is no friendship in war, we can be nothing else"

"No, no, no. why" He held his hands up to his face, trying to stop the tears, trying to stop the pain those few words had caused, but they kept coming back. He raised his head to the sky, hoping that seeing the beauty of the stars would help him calm his heart, like they had many times in the past.

*************************************

A young Quatre knelt down on the floor not daring to believe what he had just done, the shattered glass from an old photo lay at his feet.

" What was that?" Iria had heard the crash and came running in to find Quatre trying to pick up the broken fragments of glass, but not to successfully. Because he was crying so hard he couldn’t see and his hands were covered in scratches.

" Quatre! Quatre luv, stop that" she pulled his hands away, and began to examine them. After she was satisfied that there were no deep scratches, Iria turned to the job of comforting her brother. " Now what happened?"

" I.. I dropped it" Quatre mumbled clutching at the battered photo, Iria reached out and took the photo from Quatre, she gasped when she saw who was in the picture. Quatre’s mother.

" Quatre, you know father forbid anyone to touch this photo, it’s the only one he has" Quatre began to snuffle louder, and Iria pulled him in for a hug.

" I...I "he began, but he was too scared to say why he had taken it. He knew his father would be extremely angry, and he wasn’t sure what Iria would do. She reached down and stroked his hair.

"Quatre, please tell me, I won’t be mad" she lifted his face to meet hers " I promise"

" I .. I only wanted to look" he began to sniffle again " I can’t remember what she looks like, I wanted something to remember her by, I.. I’m so sorry, now it’s broken" He buried his head into her arm hoping to escape Iria’s anger, but all he heard was a sad chuckle.

"Iria?". He gazed up to meet eyes that were as teary as his.

" Baka!!" she muttered wiping at her eyes, " I understand, sometimes even I have problems remembering our mother"

" But there is a way to remember her, one that father told me long ago" with this she stood up pulling Quatre with her, and hefted him up onto her shoulders. It was night time on the colony and against the darkness of the sky the Earth could be seen, Quatre wondered what the sky looked like from there. Would he ever go there, see birds flying free? But his thoughts were interrupted by Iria.

" There is a way Quatre, look, look at the stars" he gazed up marvelling at sky with diamonds. " Father once told me that every time a person dies a star is born, so look Quatre, one of those stars is mother, and for as long as they shine she will always watch over you" Quatre looked down at his sister, and a smile spread over his face " She will be up there, Iria, watching me.."

" Yes Quatre, for as long...

**********************************

...as they shine she will always watch over you" Are you really? Do you see what I do? Are you proud of me? Trowa broke into his thoughts once more, Mother, do you see what a fool I’m making of myself? How can I love him were both boys? Killers? Do you hate me for that? I’m so sorry? Trowa I...

A sniff escaped, and he resigned himself to the inevitable, he sank down onto the wet grass, curled into a ball hoping the darkness would take him and cried.

Trowa turned Heavyarms into a hard circle over the air base before descending to the concrete. Dr S had said the whole base would be crawling with OZ, but it was deserted. He could see only the MS storage sheds, nothing else. It was like a ghost town. His radar wasn’t picking up anything, he sat back in his harness for a while, patiently waiting, thinking that he might have been mistaken and would be rushed any second. But minutes later still nothing, "Strange" he muttered under his breath, sighing he flipped the cover off of his firing button and set Heavy arms ready to fire his missiles into the waiting base. OZ or no, OZ it was his mission to annihilate it. He sighed to himself in annoyance as he released the power of his gatling guns into the waiting sheds, watching absently as the whole base was slowly reduced to sea a of flames.

He hadn’t wanted this, he had wanted a fight, anything, anything to keep his mind off the blond he had left. Anything to keep out the image of soft blue eyes, eyes that he had made fill with tears. Why did he care? He had never cared before, he had let no one into his heart. "No" he thought "I have no heart, a dog who only follows his masters commands" he caught his reflection in the monitor and sneered at himself. Nothing to no one but a stupid puppet for them to pull about. He was disgusted at himself, it had been building up in him for months, ever since he surrendered to the blond youth, it had seemed it was not all he had surrendered. The mask he had worn so long, had protected him so well was shattering, and he was desperately trying hold onto it.

Why? Why? Do I have to care? His mind shouted, as he pummelled the base with missiles, Why does everyone have to pull my strings but me? Am I really nothing more than a killer? Is that the only way? he didn’t care if his mask slipped this one time, no one was here but himself and it was always himself that he was tormenting. I won’t let him be hurt, not by me, he has every thing, I nothing, I’m not even brave enough to show him my true face, I’m, sorry Quatre I can’t return your affections ... I wish..

His thoughts never finished as a nearby explosion rocked Heavyarms, a shot from behind. As if on signal the monitors and panels within the giant machine began flashing in warning as Aires units flooded the sky like an oncoming storm.

A trap!!

A quick glance at a monitor revealed his fate, 40 missile’s, 100 Aries’s, not enough. His one last thought before Heavyarms was swamped by the oncoming, was to a boy who lay miles away.

" Quatre"

"Quatre!" a voice cried in his dreams

"Quatre wake up" H e turned away from the voice, wishing it would go away. The voice was strange, almost inhuman, and some sense told him it was a female, but he did not care. He was so cold, he did not want to know who it was, it was too much effort to find out. Sleep was more comfortable. Something warm stroked his cheek. Quatre flinched and slowly pried his eyes open. The moon had long set, and the darkness of the sky was almost total, apart from the glittering of the stars. Groggily he tried to sit up. It was then he saw someone leaning over him. Fear shot through him and he threw up his arms and jerked away from the person, expecting an attack.

His ears were greeted by laughter, and he opened his eyes to see it was a woman. A very pretty one, her hair was golden, she was slim and dressed in a shirt and trousers, but it was her eyes that held Quatre, the most beautiful green-blue he had ever seen. He realised he was staring and turned his head, only to have her laugh again. He looked back at her, to notice that she was holding her hand out in an offering of help. It was then it dawned on him; he was still sitting on the cold wet grass. Smiling in embarrassment he took a hold of her hand and she pulled him up effortlessly.

" Now that’s much better, Quatre, I can actually see you now"

She knows my name, who is she? One of my sisters, I have so many and get to see them so rarely, she could be? Or a servant perhaps? But the woman began talking and Quatre found all of his questions gone.

" Quatre, why are you out here? It’s cold, shouldn’t you be in your bed, where it’s warm?"Quatre looked at the woman, he felt strange. Who was she? Why was she so concerned about him?

"Who are you? Do I know you?" The woman looked sad at this question, the brightness of her eyes seemed to fade and she stroked Quatre’s face.

" You could say that, little one. You could say I’m an old family friend. I’ve known you since your birth" Quatre could have sworn he saw tears form in her eyes "I should have visited more but I saw you laying in the dark so alone, so upset, I felt I had to come"

Quare was confused by what she was saying, but her words brought back the thoughts of the day before and Trowa’s words to him. He bowed his head wanting them to go away.

" He may not have meant to say what he did" Quatre’s head shot up at what she said. What? How did she know? She had her back to him looking at the stars glimmering in the darkened sky

" He didn’t mean to say those words."

" He’s scared, and he’s frightened of hurting"

" Hurting? Who?".Quatre spoke through a dry throat.

" Himself, and you".

Quatre’s eye widened " Me?"

She raised her hands to the sky and closed them as if she was trying to capture the brightness of the stars.

" Do you know how much is left when a town is attacked? Very, very little. A few bits of charred wood, some blackened concrete, and heaps and heaps of ashes. Many bodies too... stabbed, slashed, or shot with bullets, or crushed by mobile suits or burned. But dead, all dead. Even the children." She lowered her hand and turned toward Quatre, tears framing her face."There is nothing. Only death and emptiness."

" This was Trowa’s life" She smiled down at Quatre and motioned for him to hold her hand. " Imagine the caring of a child lost behind the mask of war, which to survive you must hide all that makes a child a child; laughter, innocence, a thirst for all that is life and most important love." She looked at Quatre’s face, blue eyes stared back at him full of passion full of love and hope, and it was then Quatre realised he was looking into his own.

" He cares for you very much, my love. But he’s so scared, of living, of loving, he hides behind his own mask. He’s seen too much hurt in his life, he hides his feelings so as not to hurt himself or others" She reached up and brushed at the moisture that was on Quatre’s cheek.

" H, How do you know all this? I don..." He was silenced by a lone finger on his lips. Her own quirked into the most beautiful smile he had seen and she lifted his arm so he was pointing to the stars.

"They know. The stars know, Quatre, for they see all. There is not much you can hide from the heavens." Quatre’s hand began to shake uncontrollably as realization slowly dawned on him, Iria’s voice from long ago worked its way into his conscience

" Look Quatre one of those stars is mother, and for as long as the star’s shine she will ....

"Watch over me" He looked into the eyes of the woman who had held him in her womb for nine months, only to leave him in birth.

Shaking violently he buried himself in the arms off the woman he had never known in life. He never wanted to leave. He would be happy, just to stay like this forever.

" But you can’t, Quatre my love. He needs you more than me"

" Trowa?"

" Yes he needs you, he’s in trouble you must go to him"

The arms that surrounded him hugged him close, and tears rained down on his hair. He didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to leave " But the living need you more than the dead. Now wake up!"

The hands around him began shaking him, " Leave me alone", he mumbled.

" Master Quatre. You must wake up!" The hands shoved at him with more force, and the voice wasn’t feminine but deep and definitely male. Quatre pushed himself up and found himself staring at Rashid. The big man looked down at Quatre wondering what the blond boy was doing sleeping on the lawn and at such a late time, but now was not the time for answers.

" Master Quatre, you must come now. We’ve just received a distress signal from Trowa Barton."

Quatre felt terror enter his soul. Trowa was in danger.

All thoughts of his strange dream were pushed back as he rushed with Rashid toward the hangar where Sandrock was waiting.

"Hold on Trowa I’m coming."

Trowa felt a violent pain spasm in his chest, and coughed. He wasn’t surprised to see the blood that covered his hand. The Aires had been unrelenting in their attack, once the Gundam had run out of ammo, they had each taken turns in slamming Heavy arms. The last one had rammed it so hard that the cockpit had imploded trapping Trowa against the monitors, he was badly injured and could barely move without pain stabbing somewhere in his body. The OZ suits could have taken him out in one shot but they played with the fallen Gundam like a cat with a mouse.

Weakly trying to push himself up, Trowa was unprepared for the next attack. He was smashed forward in his restraints, the force snapping his left arm backwards breaking it. Without warning, dizziness shook Trowa’s head and he fell against the mass of metal that was left of his cockpit. He lay panting, while his whole body trembled with rage and fatigue.

" I must hold on" his voice rasped in his throat.

But why? A small voice spoke up from the back of his mind. Why do you hold on? . Why not end it here? It would have been easy for you in the past, no regrets. Has something happened to change that? Why so scared of death now Trowa Barton?

"Because... because..."

Just let go, lay back and take it. A few more hits no more no less and the pain will stop, your sadness will be gone, why hold on?

Trowa’s breath came in gasps, as his lungs struggled against his chest, restricted by the crushed cockpit. He felt Dizzier and dizzier and his mind was beginning to cloud over. But the voice was making him angry. He laughed through blood-covered lips. Death didn’t matter to him, he had seen to much in his short life far too often.

**********************************

The wind that blew cold from the unprotected fields, cut through young Trowa’s clothes and chilled him to the bone. But it was not the wind that made his blood run cold. He had not eaten since the mercenaries attack on a village, his first time in a mobile suit. He had no desire for food, now. His body was too numb with grief and despair.

Only a child he had thought they were playthings but now as he sat and watched the smoke billow out from houses that were once homes, he felt sick. Bodies so many bodies, broken charred by fire, crushed by the suits, his suit. Blood too much blood. His breath suddenly caught in his throat and for a moment, he nearly surrendered to the anguish that tore at his resolve like starving vultures. No! He cried silently. I cannot weep.

Were simple women and children their enemies too?

Trowa pounded his knee with his fist while his other hand convulsively griped the gun at his side. His body trembled violently as he fought to regain control of his despair. He had no right to grieve, or time to waste on self pity. Families had been massacred in front of him, and he had done nothing. He looked at the blood that stained the grass near him, but he was one of them now, a killer. A murderer.

Trowa closed his mind to all but one resolve. It was the only way he could survive. This was to be his life this killing. Death was to be his only gift. So he would hide behind his mask, the mask of the dead. The dead do not feel then he shall not. It gave him strength in the debilitating loneliness and fear.

Slowly his trembling eased and the emotions that threatened to devour him were forced into a deep prison. He stood up and smiled a feral grimace, like the snarl of a wolf. Turning his back on the silent village, he walked back to his only home, one filled with death.

*******************************

" I don’t care if I die. Live as a solider, die as a solider. That is inevitable, it’s my fate. But...."

But......c’mon Trowa your so close.

".. But...he will"

Ah Quatre. Of course.

"...dying does not matter to me....but to hurt...."

To hurt yourself will hurt him Trowa. And you want to protect him from that don’t you. Why?

Trowa felt his conscious ness slip, but he desperately clawed against it.

"Why?" he whispered, to his unseen voice. "Because.." for a fraction of a second he was back, back in the comfort of music. The notes from a violin rose and fell, lifting him, lifting the one thing he had thought buried long ago; his heart. When he heard the music, he had found for one brief moment his own fingers itching to join in, and it was then that he realized something.
Realised what Trowa?

The brunet smiled sadly from blood covered lips.

"That......tha...." Damn he was getting dizzy again the twisted remains of the cockpit swam in and out of focus. He felt his face on the cold metal, smile twisting in determination, as he fought for consciousness.

No not yet.

"That..." barely more than a whisper now " That he made me feel"

The voice took on a more soothing tone, Thank you Trowa. Now rest dear, he’s coming for you.

"Ah" And Trowa gave in to blackness. But not without the realisation his mystery voice was that of a woman.

Quatre’s Sandrock stood tall on a hill overlooking the air field, Maganacs poised for action behind him. He didn’t want to attack until he knew heavy arms and Trowa were okay. There were 30 odd Aires but he couldn’t see Trowa’s gundam anywhere. Suddenly a gap appeared and familiar red and orange could be clearly seen.

"Trowa" he whispered.

Quatre’s mouth went dry and his hands began to shake. Was he already to late, was Trowa...

"No It cant be... it wont be..." Sandrocks scimitars were hefted into the air, a signal for attack. If he waited any longer all would be lost. Heavyarms was surrounded, the OZ pilots growing bolder.

With a wild yell, Quatre sent Sandrock hurtling down the slope. The Aires whirled in surprise to face this new threat. Before they realised the danger Quatre was upon them, swinging the scimitars about him like a scythe. The Aires broke off and lunged at him, but he fought back with a strength born of desperation. One suit fell back, its back carriage crushed. Another lay with a smashed cockpit. A third leaped away and was caught by the blades of Quatre’s gundam, which flung it high into the air. Using his shield and cross cutters, Quatre drove the Aires away from heavy arms and into the path of the maganacks. At the foot of the hill the remaining soldiers broke and fled.

Quatre watched them with disappear over the rim of the hill, then he turned and gazed with surprise at the husks of the Aires that lay around him. Something seemed to snap inside him and he sagged upon his restraints, feeling utterly exhausted and aching from head to toe. He stood there panting for breath, sweating and trembling with dizziness.

Only by force did he look upon what was left of Heavyarms.It lay there a silent giant crushed, no life in it at all. Fear shook him to the core, what if? What if its occupant shared the Gundams fate?

TBC