As the others begin to descend the spiral staircase, I can feel the floor rattle beneath my feet. At least, it's easier to tell myself it's the floor shaking rather than face the truth: that I'm shaking. Because the latter is something I'd like to ignore, even if it might be true.

Even if it is true.

I can't seem to move from this spot. The same spot I stood on as I all but begged Alan for the camera bag. As I watched the soft blue eyes turn hard, their compassion gone cold.

My breath caught in my chest that moment Alan realized what I was saying. I knew arguing would be pointless once his face grew firm. That stubborn determination was one of the things I'd always loved in Alan. Even if it did prove a challenge some days.

I managed to force the last of my pitiful excuses past the lump that had lodged in my throat. I knew there was no swaying Alan, but I couldn't seem to stop the words. I had created my own nightmare, lost Alan's trust, and I would have to face it.

Alone.

Somewhere along the way I forgot what the world was like alone. Maybe I'd only known Alan a few years; but we got on so well it always felt like longer. I'd grown used to Alan being just a step away from me, yet always beside me.

Blinking slowly, I stared at the ladder as if I expected it to disappear suddenly. I don't think anything would shock me anymore. Nothing makes since this damned island, as it is.

It takes a moment to realize not only are the others out of sight, I can just barely hear them off below me somewhere. He's gone, left me behind and forgotten like so much unwanted trash. My heart freezes at the thought and a bite back a hysterical laugh.

I realize something else, in a flash of insight. Alan's pushing onward, being the leader as always, saving us all. And he's doing it with the best of intentions, just as I thought I was doing before. We can only hope for all our sakes his intentions are deemed better than mine.

My own faults and foolish mistakes I can deal with. Watching Alan bear a similar weight upon his shoulders... I could not. It would hurt almost as much as the thought of him hating me. Something that I never imagined possible before now.

Now... Now I've seen the light fade from his eyes when he looked at me. And for the first time I fear I've lost him from my life. If I have a life when our tour of Hell is through.

Finally I force myself to move. I'm unsure how long I've been standing here, lost in my own rambling thoughts. I manage to put one foot in front of the other and make my way down the stairs. The others aren't too far away so apparently I wasn't still for too long.

When I reach them, Alan won't look at me and I choke against the tightness in my chest. I might be little more than dead weight in Alan's eyes, but I'll be damned if I leave him alone to this place. Perhaps I'll even find the chance to make right my mistake.

And maybe if I don't die in the process, Alan might someday find the heart to forgive me.

end