Author's Notes: This is the longest story I think I've ever written, and my first attempt at writing first pov. But maybe it's worth it. A couple of things worth mentioning. Coop who? Angel who? Rick who? And most importantly: Nathan lives!!!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Cynthia Saunders, Sander/Moses Productions and NBC (anyone else??) They're not mine, I'm just playing with someone else's toys. I promise to return them. Hey, if they *were* mine, Sam and John would already be together... *g* And BS would be just that, a load of 'ain't never gonna happen' bs. *g*

I lay here watching her sleep. She's beautiful, her hair splayed against the pillow and her hand curled up against her cheek. As I lay beside her, I try not to move very much, I don't want to wake her from the little rest she's managed to find. Sometimes, I still feel in awe of this woman, and the bond we seem to share between us.

It's funny how sometimes you can meet someone, and from the minute they enter your world, it is as if you have never lived without them. As I remember our first meeting, it is with humor even though the circumstance was rather tense. I wore her down, I guess you could say. I had to put my charms to work, but persistence does have its rewards.

We spent today at the Zoo. Chloe had wanted to go see the baby animals, so we made a day out of it. This was the first time that the three of us had done something together that for any one else would have been a family outing. It felt great, holding Sam's hand as we strolled through the zoo. And I never knew there could be such magic in seeing things through the eyes of a child.

At one point, Chloe gasped in wonder at seeing polar bears. I remember just staring down at my hand when I realized that in her excitement she had placed her small hand in mine. Suddenly everything had a new perspective. Sam smiled at the sight, although a look of nostalgia filled her eyes. I knew she must be remembering a time when it had been Tom in role I now held. She shook her head slightly and the look passed.

We stopped and picked up a pizza on the way back to the firehouse. The debate over which toppings to get was downright hilarious. However, Chloe and I overruled Sam's vote for pineapple. It wasn't long after we had finished dinner that Chloe slowly started to wind down. All too soon, Sam was tucking her into bed, the day was coming to a close.

As I lay here beside Sam, close but not touching, I wonder how to tell her how I feel. How do you tell someone who has gone through so much for the sake of love, that you have fallen in love with her? I know that even though I worry about what I know her response will be, I have to tell her. I owe myself that much.

In the moonlight, I stand and quietly walk away from Sam's sleeping form. With one last glance back at her, I find my keys on the kitchen counter and scribble her a quick note. While I wait for the elevator, I take in the peaceful air that has fallen upon the firehouse. Peace amidst the chaos. Soon the elevator arrives, and I head outside.

Getting in my car, I start the engine and drive away from the firehouse in the direction of my apartment. My thoughts keep drifting back to earlier in the day with Sam and Chloe. There's a car in the other lane a few blocks down the street, but otherwise the roads are empty. The closer the oncoming car comes toward me, the more apparent it is that the driver is drunk.

When he swerves into my lane, I mouth rather loudly about what an idiot the guy is. Suddenly I realize that no matter what I do, he's going to hit me. *Sam,* crosses my mind when I feel the initial impact.

****

I awake slightly disoriented. I know I'm in my bedroom, but the last thing I remember is lying on the couch with John. My eyes take in my surroundings, but my search wields no clues as to where he has gone. Puzzled I pad down to the kitchen to get a drink of water. There's a note stuck on the refrigerator with a magnet, and I recognize the hurried script immediately.

*Thanks for the great day, it
meant a lot to me. I'll see you
tomorrow Blue Eyes.
Yours, John*

I can't help but smile, and I hold John's letter close to my heart. It's not that it's overly sentimental, but it is exactly what I'd expect from John. I still marvel at how our relationship has progressed. Grace once told me she wondered how long it would take us to realize that we seemed drawn to each other. At the time I laughed and told her I didn't know what she was talking about. Now I do.

There's a feeling inside my heart that I haven't known in a long time. Ever since Tom was taken from me, I've maintained a wall around my heart. The way to deal with emotions was distance. Somehow, that began to change the longer I was around one Detective John Grant.

We've known each other for almost three years now, and we have been seeing each other for about six months. Laughing, I remember that it took nearly two months for me to go out with him. I think maybe I just wanted to see the Grant charm in action. Even before we began to see each other, I knew that Chloe liked John. Still, after losing Tom, I was concerned about her reaction.

Today at the zoo calmed any fears I still had. My eyes wanted to fill with tears when I saw my baby girl grasp John's hand when she was so taken by the polar bears. For a fleeting moment, I wished it could be Tom standing there with her. But as I met John's eyes, a look of amazement on his features, I knew that this was right.

I realize that I've been standing in the middle of the kitchen for over ten minutes when I hear a clock in the living room chime the hour. Finishing my water, I walk slowly back down to my bedroom. I can't help but smile, it's not often you get to live a perfect day.

****

The first thing I realize is that my head hurts. The bright lights that keep appearing over my eyes aren't helping my headache either. I try to remember what happened, but I can't. I can hear people asking me questions, but I can't answer them. I don't know what to say. In the end I just lie there, waiting on someone to explain what is going on.

I must have fallen asleep, because I'm in a hospital room now. My headache is gone and I can see a little better. Every so often, nurses come in and check on me. We make polite conversation, but I keep looking toward the door, waiting.

****

Sunlight woke me up this morning. That and Chloe coming in, a whirlwind of blonde hair. During breakfast she talked endlessly about yesterday. She couldn't seem to stop going on about what fun she'd had with John and me at the zoo.

She was almost ready for school when the phone rang. I sent her to find her shoes while I hurried to grab the phone. I almost dropped the receiver before Bailey could finish talking.

"Sam, I've got some bad news about John. He's alive, but he's hurt." I blinked slowly as I listened to him describe an accident involving a drunk driver late last night.

I have trouble finding my voice to ask Bailey the necessary questions. "How is he? Where is he? Can I see him? Why did you wait until now to call me?"

Bailey interrupts me after my fifth non-stop question. "He's alive, Sam. That's what I know. They took him to Mercy Hospital. I'm sure they'll let you see him. And I couldn't call you till now. The hospital didn't know how to get ahold of any of us until they found a business card stuffed in his wallet. Just wait there and I'll come pick you up, okay?"

My brain struggles to register his words. However, it's hard to concentrate while my brain is on a constant loop of 'what if something else goes wrong?' Mechanically I finish getting dressed. Chloe notices my mood shift and asks me what's wrong. I look at her innocent face and can't bring myself to lie to her.

"It's John, sweetie. He was in a car wreck. But he's okay, alright? Now, it's time for you to go to school. I'm going to go check on him, and I'll let you know how he is later, okay?" My heart wants to crack as I see her fight to stop the tears filling her small blue eyes. I pull her to me in a hug, rubbing her hair and saying, "It'll be okay, it'll be okay."

Chloe sniffs and nods her head at me. Everything is quiet as we finish getting ready. Soon enough she is on her way to school, and I am left to face the empty rooms alone. I decide to fix myself another cup of coffee, but when I walk into the kitchen, my gaze falls onto John's note. I sink into a chair, and finally allow the tears that were threatening to fall stream down my face.

I didn't even hear Bailey come in, I realize, when I feel his hand on my shoulder. He reaches out to hug me, attempting to comfort me. I resist the urge to back away, I know he wouldn't want to upset me. Wiping my eyes, I pour my now cold coffee down the sink.

"Let's go," I whisper.

We drive to the hospital in relative silence. I find myself staring out the window, still in shock. At one point, we pass a road crew cleaning glass up out of the street. In horror, I realize that it was most likely the place where the accident had occurred. The location would be right. My eyes are riveted to the spot until it is out of sight. *It will be okay, it has to be* keeps replaying over and over in my head.

I hate hospitals. I've been in far to many of them for my taste. They are all the same, bright and clean, yet dark and depressing at the same time. After consulting with a nurse, we are led to John's room. Just outside the door labeled #623, a doctor meets us, and pauses to talk with us. She outlines John's condition and prognosis.

****

I keep glancing at the door. I'm slowly going insane, having passed boredom a while back. The flow of nurses has slowed, probably my temper scaring them off. *Good,* I think with a sly grin. I can't keep from fidgeting with the hospital issue gown they've stuck me in, and I would give anything to be busted from this sterile version of prison.

I hear the door start to open, and glance up expecting one of the regular nurses to walk in. Instead, a beautiful blonde pokes her head in the door. She takes one look at me and quickly crosses the room to stand beside my bed.

"John?." The question on her lips is nothing compared to the question in her eyes. "It's Sam."

For a moment I pause, I find myself falling within the depths of her eyes. Shaking myself out of my thoughts I respond. "Yes?" I can almost feel her gaze searching mine, penetrating to my very soul. It almost scares me.

The tear that trickles down her right cheek surprises me, as does my automatic reaction to gently brush it away. The contact with her skin is almost electric and I swiftly move my hand away. I force myself to look away from her and stare at the familiar contours of the sheet on my bed.

"Do I know you?" My question is muttered, almost as if I don't want her to answer. Yet, I must know her, she just feels to familiar. I hazard a glance back up at her, and see her collapse into a nearby chair. The look of utter loss shakes me up.

I can hear her take a shallow breath before she answers me. "John, what's the last thing you remember?" Her eyes seem to be imploring me to say exactly what she wants to hear, but I don't know what that is. All I know is that I've never seen her before.

****

I can see him hesitate before answering. The doctor's news had shaken me pretty badly. I knew she must be wrong, she had to be wrong. John couldn't have amnesia. I hoped that when I walked into his room that his face would light up and I could take him into my arms.

Instead he looked at me as if a stranger had walked into his room. Everything feels hopeless. One moment I was scared I would lose him to death, the next I was being assured he would be fine. Then without warning I do lose him, at least I lose the John I know and love. *Where did that come from?* I wonder silently.

For an instant when he reached to brush away the tear that dropped down my cheek I saw something in his eyes. Then he looked away and the fleeting contact was broken. His question broke my heart, and I quickly found a chair to fall into before my legs gave way. This complication was one that I'd never imagined possible.

Searching deep within those familiar blue orbs, I ask "John, what's the last thing you remember?" I keep trying to click over into professional mode, but I'm too involved and can't make the jump. I can see the hesitation in his stiff posture. I always could read him like an open book, even though he had managed to throw me a few pleasant surprises.

"I was working on a case with the Atlanta P.D. We're ... we were, tracking a murder suspect. We had him cornered in a ratty apartment building over on East Street. I don't know how it happened exactly, but the suspect caught me from behind with something. Then I woke up here."

I know very little of John's case record with the Atlanta P.D. so I'm not sure exactly when he seems to have gone back to. He blinks when I offer "John, you left the Atlanta P.D. almost three years ago to join the FBI." I can guess that it has to do with the similar head injury. I make a mental note to ask George to check on it later.

I hear him clear his throat, as if wanting to ask something, yet nervous about it. "Go on," I say, hoping to encourage him.

"I know I must know you, but what are *we*? Co-workers? Friends? More?" He adds the last part very apprehensively. Not even meaning to, I smile at his awkward question. I can tell by the look on his face that it wasn't the reaction he expected.

"Yes," I state simply. The poor thing looks even more confused, like he's trying to decide which part I mean. Moving my chair closer to the edge of the bed, I continue. "We're co-workers," I see what looks like disappointment cross his features in the seconds before I go on. "We became close friends through working together." He looks a bit relieved, but still let down in some way. I can't begin to imagine what it is like for him, having part of his life described to him like a third person story.

I apparently paused longer than I realized, because he prodded, "Anything else?"

"And, eventually, we started dating. We've been the official pair of the VCTF for six months now." Warm memories wash over me, my spirits lifting temporarily. That is until it hits me like a sledgehammer that he doesn't share these warm memories.

I can tell by looking at his face that he's trying to process so much information. "Do we love each other?"

I want to scream out *yes! I love you John Grant* but still I refrain. This isn't the time for such an important statement. Instead I reply, "We're working on it, I do know that I don't want to imagine a world without you beside me." He gets the most touching look on his face while I'm speaking, and it makes me long to have John back, complete and whole.

"Now, this VCFT business. What is it exactly?" Getting comfortable, I begin to describe where we work, leaving out key factors like Jack for now.

****

We must have sat and talked for two hours or more. Sam, funny how the name just fits her... Sam told me about our work, and how we met. I'm still having trouble processing that I've not only left the P.D., but fallen in love as well. I know that she said we were 'working on it,' but even without my memories intact I can still *feel* it. I can sense without a doubt that I must have been in love with her.

I can tell she is scared about what to do now. Not even the doctors know what might cure this damn amnesia. Sam left about twenty minutes ago to go find out when they will let me go home. I'm going completely bonkers in here alone again. Being alone just leaves me time to think about what I can't actually think about. I want to be able to remember myself, and my relationship with Sam.

Relief washes over me when I finally see a face I recognize. I grin when Nathan walks into my room, the look on his face is priceless. He approaches slowly, like you might approach a spooked horse, and his face mirrors the idea. When I start laughing, he finally loosens up. More than anything, I'm grateful not only for the distraction, but a known one.

****

Laughter echos down the hallway outside of John's room and I want to yell I'm so relieved. It's possible that his memory has returned and everything will be all right. My hopes falter when I enter the hospital room and John still looks at me like 'the nice lady who told me a story.' When I see Nathan sitting there I realize what had happened. Of course they could joke and be normal. The 'normal' for them existed before John left the Atlanta P.D.

I explain to both John and Nathan that they want to keep him for observation until tomorrow. I phoned Bailey at the office with the same news. I hadn't even noticed Bailey leave because I was so preoccupied with John.

The rest of the day was spent running here and there, mostly trying to stay busy. If I was busy, then I couldn't really think too much. I glanced at my watch and realized that Chloe would be getting home from school soon. I went in to tell John that I had to go home, and that I would be back tomorrow to pick him up. I longed to stay with him, but I knew that he would be fine and that Chloe needed me, too.

She met me at the elevator when I finally reached the firehouse. Once again, she fired off questions faster than I could possibly answer them. Leading her into the living room, we settled down onto the couch to talk. I'm not sure if she totally understood the situation, but I was able to assure her that he would be okay. I silently wondered what would happen if his memories never returned, but didn't mention it to Chloe.

Dinner came and went and the atmosphere in the apartment remained subdued. Neither of us was up to talking very much. After I tucked her in, it hit me that it was only last night that John had helped me to tuck her into bed. Our perfect day had a tragic flaw.

I forced myself to try and get some sleep. It had been much easier to fall asleep in John's arms, rather than filled with worry alone. So I stared at the ceiling for a while.

****

Hospitals are the worst place to sleep. It doesn't help that the nurses kept waking me up to check on my head injury. Add to that the fact that the window in this cell faces east and I was forced to wake up bright and early. I had considered lowering the blinds, but doubted I'd make it that far with all the wires and tubes I was wearing at the time.

At least I get to leave soon. Only my I.V. remains, and Sam should be here in twenty minutes or so. She called this morning to check on me and promised to bring some clothes so I could get rid of this wretched gown. Now I have nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs.

I catch myself checking my watch every two minutes until Sam finally arrives. She hands me my clothes and leaves to give me some privacy. The first time I stood up, a dizzy spell sent me right back to the bed. However, by taking it a bit more slowly, it wasn't so hard getting dressed, even with the I.V. The first nurse I remember seeing here is the one to come and remove my I.V. I wish I could say I was sorry to see her go, but I don't think she liked me much.

Sam appears in my room pushing a wheelchair. The wheelchair becomes the subject of a debate when I refuse to use it. I soon discover a character trait I hadn't remembered, she's pretty damn stubborn. Finally I give in about the wheelchair. I was beginning to believe it was that or never leave the hospital.

I had learned by looking at my drivers license last night that I still had the same apartment. So I became confused when we drove in the opposite direction. When I questioned her about it, she gave me a vague answer about going to her place. When the car pulled to a stop by a firehouse, I thought she'd flipped. I can't get over the strict security around this place. If Fort Knox only had it so good. I was caught off guard by how the guards all knew me. I keep forgetting how much I've forgotten.

I began to realize what was going on when we got into the elevator. The upstairs surprises me. It's a very nice living arrangement. Sam walks off toward what appears to be a kitchen while I look around. In my search I find a little girl sitting in the middle of a playground.

****

Chloe looks up at John, and I can see she realizes he really doesn't know her. I feel for her, her eyes betray her sadness. As I watch she stands up and walks over to John. "Hi," she whispers softly.

John looks down at Chloe, and over to me. I can tell he is trying to remember, but he can't. I see the look of frustration on his features when he responds, "Hi there."

Trying not to cry, Chloe runs to her room leaving John to stare helplessly after her. I can see the hurt in his eyes, as well. "I'm sorry," he murmurs.

I walk over to where he's standing, his head bowed and hands in his pockets. "It's not your fault," I tell him, brushing his cheek with my fingertips. He bites his lower lip and shakes his head to let me know that he knows. I keep overlooking how hard this is for him, as well as the rest of us.

The next couple of days passed in a blur. We tried memory games, photographs. Everything short of bashing him over the head with a frying pan. Although we did joke about it with Chloe. It was good to hear her laugh again. John even laughed after he figured out that I was just kidding.

Late Friday night an idea came to me. While I was tucking Chloe into bed, I asked her if she wanted to go to the zoo on Saturday. John had moved back to his apartment on Wednesday when I began to feel better about leaving him alone. He had even gone to work that Friday on restricted light desk duty. I knew Chloe missed having him around, and I thought she might enjoy another outing.

She muttered a drowsy yes, and drifted to sleep. I stood watching her for a moment before going into the living room to call John. Actually, I really wanted to hear his voice.

****

I can hear the phone ringing, but I can't seem to find it. Not for the first time, I curse having a cordless phone. I can never seem to keep up with the damn thing. Tracking it to it's source, I punch the talk button.

"Hello?"

"Hi. How's everything going?" I can hear the concern in Sam's voice over the line. I know how much it upsets her that I still can't remember anything for the past four and a half years. I think I'd give anything to make her pain go away.

"It's not too bad. Although I'm still trying to figure out where everything is in this place." Trying to sound upbeat, he hoped to lift her mood a little bit.

"Listen, we were wondering if you wanted to go to the zoo tomorrow. Chloe had a lot of fun the last time we took her to see the baby animals." I can hear the hope in her voice, and can't help but say yes. It's not like I have any plans anyway.

"I'd love to." We talked for a while that night, eventually hanging up when I was about to fall asleep on the phone. It's funny, I even like the sound of her voice.

****

I hear the elevator doors open at exactly nine a.m. I told the agents downstairs to send John up whenever he arrived. I was walking to meet him and I froze. He was standing there, in a t-shirt and blue jeans, just like last week. One part of my mind stalled, processing just how good he looked, the other comparing it to last week. Shaking my head to clear it, I motioned for him to sit down while Chloe and I finish getting ready.

Looking outside I could see that it was a beautiful day, perfect for going out. Soon, the three of us piled in my car and were on our way. The day proceeded much as it had the week before. Chloe wanted to see the baby animals first, and then we worked our way around the park. I smiled faintly when I saw the polar bear area. I glanced over at John who was talking with Chloe about which animals she liked the best.

When Chloe saw the polar bears playing in the water, I heard her gasp. When I saw her grab John's hand, I quickly glanced to see his reaction. He had the strangest look on his face, which seemed to transform into a look of wonder and amazement. I stepped closer to him, but I wasn't sure why. I did know that I wanted to burn that image in my mind forever.

My heart almost stopped at his whispered words. "I love you, Blue Eyes." My mind is racing, *my nickname, he used my nickname.*

****

Chloe and I had been having a rather animated conversation about the animals when I felt her take my hand when she looked at the polar bears. The little hand seemed to fit so perfectly in mine. Somehow it felt familiar, like it had happened before. I looked over to where Sam stood watching us and suddenly something clicked. Seeing everything through the eyes of a child flashes through my mind.

When Sam moved to stand closer to us, I knew. It was as if the moment Chloe grasped my hand, a switch was thrown. Leaning over I whispered, "I love you, Blue Eyes." I remember calling her Blue Eyes, now. I remember everything, and it's wonderful.

At my statement, Sam's eyes grew wide, and her jaw dropped. I grinned at her for a moment and then took her hand with my free one and began to do a sort of happy dance. I knew I looked like a fool, but for once I was too happy to care. When the commotion died down, I heard Sam whisper back "I love you, too. I can't believe we waited so long to say it."

I could see the tears gathering in her eyes, and I took her in my arms. "All that matters is that we finally did. This is what means everything. You, me, Chloe and the here and now. Now, how about we go see if the giraffes are playing. What do ya say, Chlo?"

****

My shock dissolves into something more like euphoria, as the reality of the situation sits in. I begin to laugh happily watching John and Chloe talk about the giraffes. Yep, the here and now is what's important. Because it's what creates the memories for tomorrow.

John and I walk hand in hand through the park, with Chloe running happily beside us. Right now, everything is perfect. And all of a sudden, I feel like we'll be able to beat any odds. Just as long as we face them together.

fin