Author's Notes: When I started 'Mulder And The Computer' I had no idea that I was starting a series. However, when asked to continue I did, and 'Scully And The Coffee Maker' was born. While I was writing the second story, the idea for this one was already forming, I mean, why should Skinner escape? :-) Let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: Straight simple and to the point: Skinner, Mulder and Scully are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people. If I owned them, I wouldn't need student loans. :-) Laura (and Harry and Michael should they choose to make an appearance) is mine, but I doubt anyone will want her. :-)

Skinner shook his head slowly, his gaze following Mulder's back as he retreated from his office. Looking down at the report Mulder had just given him, he fought down the urge to laugh.

He often wondered how Mulder and Scully ended up in any number of situations, or how they managed to get out of them. Although he would never admit it, reading their conflicting reports had reduced him to near tears with laughter on more than one occasion. True, he worried for their safety, but the reports only came after he knew they were both safe. It was as close to a break as he might receive from the two wayward agents, he knew.

Pulling off his glasses, he rubbed his eyes. A moment later, he put his glasses back on and began to read Mulder's report.

Sometime later, a small voice pulled him from his reading. "Sir?"

Skinner froze, his senses on the alert. His eyes scanned the office, straining to detect the sight of an intruder. Shaking his head, he decided it must have been his imagination. Have to cut back on the coffee he thought.

"Could you help me?" the small voice asked again.

Skinner stood abruptly, almost upending his chair in the process. "All right. Who's there?"

A beep emanated from his intercom. "Sir?" Kimberly's voice asked. "Is something wrong?"

"No, Kim. Nothing's wrong, thanks anyway." He quickly closed the connection and began to walk around his desk. "If someone's there, say something." Skinner was careful not to raise his voice again.

"Don't be mad at me," the timid voice continued. "I need your help."

Tracing the voice to a cell phone lying close to where Mulder had been sitting, he picked up the phone and held it to his ear. "All right, Mulder. Not funny, cut out the crap."

"Sir?" The voice rang loudly in his ear, and Skinner jerked the phone away from his face. "I'm not Agent Mulder. However, he is who I need to talk to you about."

"Excuse me? And supposing you aren't Mulder, just who are you?" Skinner held the phone at arm's length, although careful not to drop it.

"I'm Laura. I'm Agent Mulder's cell phone."

Skinner half way dropped the small phone, but managed to regain his grasp when a small squeak came from the device. "You'd like me to believe that a cell phone just started talking to me of its own free will? What kind of sick joke is this?" Absent-mindedly, Skinner sniffed the air for cigarette smoke but found none.

"No joke, Sir. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have said a word. Generally we don't. But I had to take the chance."

"We?" He asked, still not believing.

"Appliances and machines in general. Sure, we talk among ourselves all the time, but we don't talk to humans very often."

Skinner sat on the edge of his desk, and placed the phone down in one of the chairs. If he closed his eyes, he could almost convince himself he was talking to an agent under his command. "Just a minute," he said after a moment's thought. "Kim?" He asked through the intercom, "Could you hold my calls until I let you know?"

"Yes, Sir." Kimberly's curious, but professional voice answered.

Skinner looked back down at the phone with whom he found himself speaking. Only where Mulder's concerned . . . he found himself thinking. "All right. So, why speak now?"

Laura sighed. "Humans always ask that, but I guess I understand. Anyway, like I said I need help."

Placing his glasses on his desk, Skinner began rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Okay, let's start with that. Why do you need my help?"

"It's Agent Mulder." Skinner would have sworn, that if the small phone had arms and legs it would have begun pacing and gesturing wildly, just like Mulder. "He's got a reputation, you know. Not the Spooky part, mind you. I mean among us."

"Such as," Skinner prompted.

"Just how many cell phones has he lost or destroyed, Sir?"

With a clarity Skinner didn't think possible, he suddenly understood. "Several, although the exact number escapes me at the moment."

Hope tinged Laura's voice. "Then you see what I mean! Before we're assigned to a person, we hear stories. Others that come back for repair tell us about different kinds of owners. Good ones, bad ones. Only one have we heard by name. Fox Mulder."

Skinner laughed. "So Mulder's made your cell phone grapevine, I take it?"

"Huh, you'd better believe it! They said he was crazy. I'll admit, I don't think he's crazy, but I fear for my life! Please, I beg you! Send me back, give me to another agent, put me in a drawer. Something! Anything! Besides, you should see what working with him has done to Harry!"

"And Harry is?"

"That's Agent Mulder's computer. He's gone completely nuts, if you ask me. That's another thing. The mongrel keeps hitting on me!"

"Agent Mulder?" By this point Skinner was totally lost.

"No, Harry."

"The computer?"

"Yes. It might be different if it were Michael, but his sights are set elsewhere."

"Michael. He would be . . ." Skinner was trying to cling to some semblance of normality in the conversation, but the little phone was losing him at every turn.

"Oh, Michael's the sweetheart of the office. Only he's got it pretty badly for Agent Scully." Skinner heard what he thought might be longing in her voice, but only for an instant.

Skinner cringed, not wanting to ask the next question. "And just what is Michael?"

"He's the coffee maker. But all this is beside the point! You have to help me! Please? What if Mulder comes back for me?"

Skinner sighed loudly, "Okay, calm down. You're concerned for your safety, mental and otherwise I take it. That's something to take into consideration I suppose." Silently, Skinner wondered when sanity had finally taken leave of his life all together.

"You mean you'll help?" Laura's voice almost shrieked with excitement.

"I can't believe I'm even considering this," Skinner muttered.

Laura sniffed. "Bur you said . . ."

"Uh-huh. I know." The look on Skinner's face was somewhere in the what the hell am I doing? realm. "Listen, Laura wasn't it? Okay, how about this. I'll see that you go to my secretary under one condition. You help stop the rumors about Mulder. Deal?"

"I don't know . . ."

Laura was interrupted by a beep from the intercom. "Sir? Sorry to bother you, but Agent Mulder is out here. He's being rather persistent, something about having left his cell phone in your office."

Skinner cast a pointed glance down at Laura. Mulder's timely arrival had done more to convince her than anything he might have said. "Just a moment, Kim." Turning off the intercom, he spoke to the small phone. "Well, Laura?"

"I can't guarantee anything. I mean, it is the safety of many of our population we're talking about here. I might be able to do something about him being called crazy. As for his reputation for destroying so many of us, well, you can't hide from the truth right?"

Skinner began to laugh at hearing such a statement, it sounded like something Mulder would say. "What they hell, it can't be any crazier than sitting here talking to you in the first place."

He picked up the phone and began to place it in a desk drawer. "Sir?" Laura asked. "Thanks."

"Uh-huh." He managed to control his laughter enough to call Kimberly on the intercom. "Tell Agent Mulder that his phone isn't in here. If he can't find it, I suggest he requisition a new one."

"Yes, Sir." The line went silent, and Skinner could imagine Kimberly trying to explain the situation to Mulder. "Anything else, Sir?" she asked after a brief pause.

Skinner thought for a moment, glancing at the now silent phone in his desk. "Yes. Could you come in here for a minute, Kim?"

fin

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