Author's Notes: The gang's all back, folks! For those who don't remember, I wrote a series of stories back in September based around the appliances in the xfiles office talking to mulder, scully & co. Well, I've had this idea in my head for a while now and I've finally gotten around to trying to write it. Just please keep in mind, I'm having to relearn the office gang *g*. Hope you like it!!! Be sure to write and let me know what you thought. Oh yeah, anyone else notice Scully calling Spender a weasel in 'triangle'? I've been calling him that for *months*! :-) Oh and, obviously, I *REALLY* hate Spender and Diana.

Disclaimer: Straight simple and to the point: Mulder and Scully, et al. are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people. Okay, here's the deal, I offered to play blackjack with CC for 'em, but I'm not a gambler. So I thought I'd do a little mulder style reconnaissance and break in, but all I managed to find was Bambi in her House O' Bugs, ugh. *Raises arms* I surrender! I surrender! *sob* they aren't mine, but we all want to believe, right???

The small office of the X Files division reeked of new paint, and only a few scars remained from the scorching flames that had ravaged the room. Sitting at what was once Mulder's desk was a small man in a rumpled suit.

"God, I'd kill for a cup of coffee," Spender whined.

He turned his attention toward the door when a tall woman in a tailored suit walked in. "Well, you're in luck, I found the coffee maker. Someone swiped it for the lounge back before the fire. That was the last thing to track down, since we found the VCR last week." She walked across the office and returned the appliance to its rightful spot and plugged it in. Turning, she looked toward him, "Besides, who would you kill?"

He screwed his face up, "Mulder?"

Diana smiled, "Somehow I doubt others would appreciate that very much."

"I knew it!" The cry rang through the office, putting the two occupants immediately on edge.

Glancing around for an intruder, Spender squeaked, "Who's there?"

A sinister giggle echoed in the room before another voice called out in a whiny voice, "Mommy, I'm scared. I'm hearing funny voices!"

Spender stood abruptly, knocking his chair over and slamming his leg into the desk. "Ouch!" Two voices cried at once. Spender froze and Diana returned her attention back toward the desk.

"Who are you?" she asked.

Another laugh, different this time, filled the silence. "Wouldn't you like to know, Sweetcheeks. But, sorry, you ain't my type. I don't go for turncoats, no matter how much Fox-y annoys me."

Clutching her fists at her sides, she seethed through clenched teeth, "Your type?"

"Uh-huh. Not even a monitor-ectomy courtesy of your pal Ciggy could warp me that badly."

"Ciggy?" Spender asked, confusion filling his mousy features.

The coffee pot flickered to life, and a less brash voice said, "You know. Daddy. And they say I have issues."

"Ha! Way to go Mikey!"

Simultaneously, Spender asked "Mikey?" As Diana queried "Daddy?"

"Yep," the original voice replied, "Weasel here is the rejected DNA sequence of our buddy Ciggy. Not that any of us 'round here are fond of Ciggy these days. Fire will do that to you."

"Why does everyone keep calling me that?" Spender's voice all but croaked.

Michael giggled, "Well, when Agent Scully's right, she's right."

"Hey, Harry," the VCR called, "I think little Mikey grew up while he was away. And to think, all I got to do was watch boring old surveillance footage. Geez, I even missed watching Debbie with Mulder."

"Harry?" Diana asked cautiously, still not having moved from her place in the center of the room.

"That's me, honey," the computer chimed. "So, let's chat about you. We all know Weasel is Ciggy's resident mistake, what dirt do we have on you?"

Diana walked toward the desk, "Excuse me? No excuse for a hard drive is going to talk to me that way. I'll have you dismantled!"

"Kinky, Harry. Maybe she really is your type."

Diana spun in the opposite direction. "And. Just who the hell are you?"

"Jerry, your resident VCR. You know, Harry? She's kinda fiery like Dana. Maybe you should go for her, seeing as how Laura ain't coming back."

Harry laughed, "I'd like to see you try any of your threats, Sweetcheeks. Ain't gonna happen. Like anyone would believe that we talk, right? In fact, you'd end up sounding a bit too much like Mulder, don't ya think?" He baited with a laugh. "Besides, any evidence Mulder had was burned in the fire."

"Jeff, run upstairs and get some backup."

"Yes, do, Jeffy," Jerry laughed. "Go on now, take your orders like a good little boy. We all know you're not the dominant one in this partnership. I've got some boots for you to lick when you get back."

Spender stuttered for a moment, "But. But you're just a VCR . . . You can't threaten me!" his voice squeaking.

Michael spoke up seriously, "Are you going to tell your Daddy on us, Mr. Spender?"

Diana reached for the coffee maker's plug, only to be interrupted by Harry. "Touch it lady and you learn a new meaning to the words charged relationship." She paused, pulling back her hand. "Never willing to risk going all the way, eh Sweetcheeks?"

"Don't talk about her that way!" Spender cried.

Jerry cackled, "Whaddya know, chivalry isn't dead! Too bad you were born without a backbone." Spender had just reached for the VCR when the television flickered to life. "Weasel, meet Vanessa, the newest addition to our office."

"Hello," she purred. "Ohhh, I like the spindly look. What's your pleasure?"

"Well, Nessy," Jerry continued, "it's time for 'This is your life' starring our very own Agent Spender!"

"Nessy," Diana repeated. "Oh, brother, does that fit in down here."

"Watch it, sister, I could take you any day. Don't mess with me," Vanessa spat. "Now, Jer. Tell me more about this stringy man before me," she asked with a laugh.

An image filled the screen of Spender chasing after an unmarked van in the building's parking deck. "Best part of surveillance," he snickered. "Chase any cars lately, Fido? Sit Bubu, Sit."

"Spender need a bone?" Harry asked suggestively.

"Ohhh, that was bad, Harry." Vanessa paused, "I could go for bad."

Michael commented, "Harry someone in the office likes your humor! If Leigh was here she would have to write it down."

"If Leigh was here, we wouldn't be in this pickle, bud." Harry observed.

"Stop it!" Diana yelled. "I don't know what kind of joke this is, but it's not funny. Mulder, get your pain in the ass self out here!"

"Agent Scully was right!" Michael cheered, "You were using Agent Mulder. You're a bad woman, Agent Fowley." Innocence rang though Michael's words.

"Oh no, Sweetcheeks is gonna get it now," Harry proclaimed. "You don't mess with Dana and get away with it when he's around."

"I'm gonna tell Agent Mulder!" Michael yelled.

Diana laughed for the first time since the ordeal began. "Sure, little man. Like he'll believe you. He didn't even trust that little annoyance Scully when she told him that. He's completely under my spell."

Spender, suddenly made brave by Diana's words spoke up. "Yeah, where she's concerned," he motioned toward Diana, "he only thinks with his second head anyway."

"Big words from a little man," Vanessa countered. "And crass, too. But, what can you expect?"

Jerry gave up stifling his laughter. "Oh, well, at least Mulder one! Believe me, I'd know after being subjected to viewing his one man tango so many times. Unlike some, who genetics just forgot."

"Diana, I'm going to get . . ."

"Daddy?" Harry interrupted his whine. "Go ahead, we haven't seen Ciggy in so long! Just think how proud he'll be of his little boy."

"You got little right," Michael giggled.

"Michael's turning into a regular smartaleck, Harry." Jerry sniffed, "I'm so proud."

"Would you all just shut up?" Diana again seethed.

Vanessa chuckled, "That was old ten minutes ago, sister. Can't you come up with anything original in that birdbrain of yours?"

"Birdbrain?!?!"

"Back to the discussion at hand," Harry interjected. "As to whether or not Mulder will believe us about the two-timing she-devil you are. . . I bring your attention to Evidence A. Jerry, the tape please."

The VCR giggled maniacally. "Oh, I do so love this part of the job! And now, for your viewing pleasure. In video surround sound, 'The Confession,'" he continued dramatically.

Together with Vanessa, Jerry proceeded to stun both Spender and Diana into silence. "He's completely under my spell," the recorded Diana finished.

"Not for long, hon," Vanessa cooed in response.

Diana reached for the phone, "Jeff, get the tape. I'll call for maintenance." However, when she placed the receiver to her ear, she jerked it away. "Damn modem noise." She paused, then turned toward Harry. "You. You're doing this," she indicated the phone.

Had Harry had a mouth, he would have smiled innocently. Instead, he simply stayed silent.

"Hey! Stop that!" Jerry's cries broke through the silence. "Get those talons away from me." When Diana turned, it was to see Spender probing inside the tape slot of the VCR. "I'm being violated here! Haven't you figure out yet brainiac that there isn't a tape?"

"Hey you, Weasel. Want this to all go away? Like a bad dream? Let's make a deal." Harry's sarcastic voice broke through Spender's one track mind and distracted him from trying to dissect Jerry.

Diana slammed the phone down, "What? Deal? With you?"

"The way I see it," Harry responded when he had both of their attention, "there is only one way around this."

Spender snorted, "And what would that be, oh wise one?"

"You Weasel," he indicated Spender, "and you, Sweetcheeks. Gone. Outta here. Sayonara. Auf Wiedersehen. I'll put it in simpler terms. Get. Lost."

Jerry continued where Harry left off. "Give us Mulder and Scully back and no one gets hurt. Otherwise, well, at least have fun. Can't speak for the two of you though."

Spender and Diana eyed the laughing VCR warily. "This wasn't our decision," she stammered.

"Yeah, right, lady," Michael rebuked. "Even the higher ups with their heads up their butts know you two have it out for Mulder and Scully."

Jerry laughed, "Face it Spender, you're jealous."

"Am not," Spender complained.

"And you whine. And Fowley, you're not going to get any so just get over it."

"Ohh, a burned lover. How tragic," Vanessa breathed. "I've got to meet this Mulder. Hit the road, sister."

Taken aback, Harry exclaimed, "Nessy, I thought you liked me?"

"Focus, Harry," she replied in a sing-song voice.

"Right. Focus." Harry made a noise similar to clearing his throat. "Run. Fast."

Diana grabbed her coat, "This isn't over."

Michael giggled, "Isn't it, though?"

Slamming the door behind them, Agents Spender and Fowley retreated upstairs.

***

An hour later a phone rang in the Domestic Terrorism Division.

"Scully."

"Agent Scully, please report to my office," AD Kersh said. "And bring Agent Mulder with you."

Scully looked at the phone in confusion, but was only answered with a dialtone. Standing, she pulled on her jacket and went to find Mulder.

fin

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