Archive: Okay for Gossamer, songfic. Others, if you want it, I'm honored. Please, ask first, thanks! Come on, at least let me know where it's at so I can visit. :-)

Author's Notes: I have no other reason for this story than I heard this song and loved it, and found myself thinking it fit Mulder and Scully. Read on and send feedback!

Disclaimer: Straight simple and to the point: Mulder, Scully, et al are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people. If I owned them, I wouldn't need student loans. :-) Song disclaimer follows at the end of the story. No profit is being made, yadda yadda yadda

Mulder had long lost track of the television channels as he restlessly flipped through the selection his cable provided. He and Scully had just finished a long case in Whitehorse, Wyoming and he was dead tired. Dead on his feet, yet still couldn't sleep, he would have laughed at the irony if he had the energy.

Years before he had given up on even understanding his sleeping habits, as had anyone to whom he'd ever been close. Scully still tried, though he had long ago lost count of the number of times he had been shaken awake in some dingy hotel, her hand a lifeline from the nightmares that plagued what little sleep he managed.

Late at night, when sleep was again elusive, was when Mulder would think of things kept hidden in the light of day. During the day he hid behind humor and wit, careful to not let too much show. He couldn't remember anymore if the distance it provided was for Scully or himself. Mulder had once told her that she kept him honest, he just couldn't remember if he had ever gone as far to say she made him whole.

Staring dimly at the screen, he paused at a video channel, but cringing at the graphic visuals he changed the channel. "I can get enough of that at work," he muttered under his breath. With another press of a button on the remote, he stumbled onto the country video channel.

Mulder cringed again, this time at the mere thought of country music. However, for a reason he couldn't understand, the music held him there for a few scant moments longer. It was then he found himself doing something he never thought he would, voluntarily listening to a country song. All thoughts of pick-up trucks and drunken ex-lovers were forgotten as he heard the first lines of the song.

***
When I lost faith
You believed in me.
***

In that instant, there was nothing in Fox Mulder's world other than that song and who it reminded him of. Time and again, it had been Scully who opened his eyes when he refused to see. It was Scully who he only had to look at and remember what they were fighting for.

***
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one.
***

He couldn't count the number of times that she had picked him up when he stumbled, in fact so many times came to mind that it was mind-boggling. Each time, he longed to thank her, if nothing else. Yet the words often seemed insignificant against the lengths she went to in saving him again and again.

***
There were hard times
I know I survived
Just because you stayed by my side
With all I have, with all I am
I promise you all my life
***

Unable to stop listening, Mulder found himself wondering how a song could capture so well everything he felt about his partner and best friend. For all the monsters and psychopaths, inner demons and government conspiracies, it never failed to surprise him that Scully was never far away. Her inner strength held him together, even while his own tendency toward self-destruction sought to tear him apart.

As the song wound into its chorus, Mulder stood and walked over to his desk. Pulling out a well worn legal pad, he turned to a blank page and began writing a note to Scully. Although he doubted he would ever give it to her, he felt compelled to put into words the gratitude he felt for the role she held in his life.

Scully, he began. It seems somehow appropriate that I find in a song the words that make me realize how important you are to me - in my life and in my quest, although it has become our quest. I've never been good at expressing emotions, you know that. You'd think a psychologist would know better, wouldn't you?

We've always had a safety zone, and most of the time I was grateful for it. Then you got sick, and it felt like my world was closing in around me. For the first time, I realized that there was something I didn't know if I could live without. I wasn't even certain I wanted to. I know that it has often appeared like I took you for granted, ditching you and scoffing at your science. Yet, through these years, I've come to trust you as I have no other, although mostly for selfish reasons.

No one wanted me before you. No one cared if I took another breath. My father had his alcohol and my mother her pills, and Samantha . . . Well, we both know what happened there. No one cared, until you. You reasoned, you yelled, you did whatever you had to, whatever it took to get my attention. You cared and made me feel something besides the emptiness that had eaten away at my heart and fueled my quest.

In you, I found someone who saw past the reputation to the real me, and loved me for it. In you, I found a part of myself I doubt I could live without, and I sometimes wonder how I ever did.

Mulder looked at the notepad that he balanced on his lap. Skimming the scrawled script, he sighed and closed his eyes. He felt compelled to call Scully, but a glance at the clock changed his mind. Instead, he focused on copying down what he could remember of the song that had captured his attention.

*******

In her apartment, Scully tossed, unable to sleep. Insomnia wasn't something she often had to deal with, at least first hand. Mulder's insomnia, however, she knew quite well. She wasn't even sure why she couldn't fall asleep, by all rights and means, she should be out cold. Especially since it was the first night in a week that she was in her own bed.

Sighing, she got out of bed and pulled on a robe. Walking from her bedroom to the living room, she picked up the television remote and turned on the television. Casually flipping through the various music channels, she settled on the only one actually showing videos.

Tossing the remote onto the couch, she walked into the kitchen to fix a cup of tea. While she was waiting for the water to boil, she turned an indifferent ear to the music from the living room. The lyrics to the song that was playing, however, caught her attention. Leaving the kitchen, she returned to the living room, curious as to what the song was.

***
I will be there for you . . .

Through sorrow
On the darkest night
When there's heartache
Deep down inside
Just like a prayer, you will be there
And I promise you all my life.
***

Her eyes opening wide, Scully sat down on the sofa slowly. Images of Emily flashed through her mind. Memories of the daughter she was never truly allowed to know were often sad, though she had told Mulder that she was better for having been allowed to know Emily, even for such a short amount of time.

It had been the truth, but that didn't mean the loss didn't hurt. Somehow seeing past her walls, Mulder knew the truth lie contrary to her words. His great empathy to others' pain, time and again helped to buoy her sprits whenever life grew too somber.

Blinking, she glanced at the screen. The song was right, whenever she had been hurting, Mulder had been there. A shoulder, although she most often refused; and an ear, although she rarely spoke of her pain. He didn't recoil from her rejection, instead he seemed to accept her need for space.

Still listening to the melodious song, Scully walked to a chest and pulled out a pad of stationary and a pen. Though she was unsure why, she felt moved to put something into writing to Mulder, even if really only for herself Even though she knew she would most likely never give it to him, she wrote anyway.

Mulder. The strangest thing just happened. I couldn't sleep, when usually I have little trouble, and as a last resort found myself turning on the television. It was then that I stumbled upon a song whose lyrics seemed aimed at my heart.

There are times when I try to put into words what you've come to mean in my life. Yet, somehow words fail me in this regard every time. For five years, you've been the irrepressible force to my immovable object. Stubborn and occasionally annoying. Still at the same time, it is for this inner fire that I found myself intrigued by you so many years ago.

So much has happened, to each of us in the time since we met in a dark basement office. We've grown, we've learned, we've seen things I would never have imagined possible. And there are some that I would still be forced to argue about. During this time you've often found weakness in my damned science, and I've equally found fault in your absolute faith in anything but.

How is it, that these two oppositions are the qualities that would seem to make us inseparable from one another, and incompatible with anyone else? I've watched as you've risked yourself, for me and for others, time and again. Each time my heart pauses, scared to death of what will happen if this time you really do get yourself killed.

Yet, that is part of what makes you the man I've come to trust with my life. Yours is the shoulder I look to when I'm afraid, although I might never admit that fear. In my life, I lived each day for someone else. Every accomplishment, I saw through someone else's eyes. Ahab, Mom, Bill - it didn't matter. I was always worried about being good enough - good enough as a doctor, even as a daughter.

You looked at me, and I found someone who needed me as much as I needed them. When I looked in your eyes, I knew I was good enough for someone without so much effort. That I had found someone who wouldn't judge my accomplishments, but revel in them, even if sometimes argue over them.

In you, I found someone who saw past the layers and defenses to the real me, and loved me for it. All of a sudden, I realized that for the first part of my life, I was living without a part of myself. I promise you, Mulder, all my life, I'll always be there. Scully.

The song having long ended, Scully folded up the carefully written letter and placed it inside a small envelope. "Someday," she said quietly, "maybe I'll even let you read it, Mulder." Smiling softly, went to see to the screeching kettle.

*******

Mulder had listened to the rest of the song, and in the time afterward had stayed lost in thought. He had finished hastily scribbling down the words to the song, as well as the title, and put the paper away in a safe place. Scully's letter, however, he still held in his lap. Remembering the one particular line from the song, he picked his pen back up and added one last thought.

And though it might not be much, Scully, I do promise you all my life. Mulder.

*******

In the moments that followed, each of the two partners turned off their televisions, and sought again to fall asleep. Unaware of the other's thoughts, both Mulder and Scully fell asleep remembering the chorus of the same song.

***
Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I'll always be there for you

I'll always be there for you . . .

fin

I Will Be There For You
From the motion picture soundtrack: The Prince of Egypt: Nashville
Performed by Jessica Andrews
Written by Rick Bowles/Josh Leo/Tom Shapiro

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