Author's notes: Well, I'm sure it's been said, many times, many ways . . . no, not, "Merry Christmas to you" (apologies to Nat King Cole *g*) I'm talking about Pusher, and what everyone thinks happened later. Since it just re aired, my interest was piqued once again.

Disclaimer: This isn't written for profit of any form, other than the hopeful enjoyment of the reader. The characters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, FOX Television, is that all?

His eyes. As long as Scully drew breath, she would remember his eyes. Beacons calling out in the night, through the shadows that Modell had created in his mind.

When she had entered the room, she had started to reach out to her partner, then she saw Modell also sitting there, a gun between them. As the situation had progressed, she had felt her eyes fill with tears as she fought for control. Only her control would see them through.

When he had pulled the trigger on Modell, she had actually felt something of relief wash over her. However, she felt her heart stop when Mulder then put the gun to his own temple and, seemingly without thought, pulled the trigger.

She jumped as Mulder's hand grabbed hold of her arm, not allowing her to leave. Yet, she could see the pain in his eyes. He knew what he was doing, but he wasn't in a position to stop it. He called for her to leave, before he might do something he would never forgive himself for. The torment in his eyes grew, although she would have doubted it possible.

The next thing she was really aware of was pulling the fire alarm. That action had allowed Mulder to slip away from Modell's grasp long enough to swing the gun around, and fire.

In the moments that followed, when she looked into Mulder's hazel orbs, it was if his spirit, as well, was shadowed. It continued that way for several days, long after the case had been concluded with Modell unconscious, waiting to die in a hospital bed.

With increasing unease, Scully noted the way Mulder had yet to get past the incident with Modell. She grew concerned that he was blaming himself for putting her at risk when she entered the room. While she was grateful that they had both escaped unharmed, her concern lie not with herself, but with what she had seen of her partner in that room.

When they had spoken later that day, Mulder had apologized for aiming the gun at her, for not being stronger. She closed her eyes when the thought crossed her mind: yes, but what of you Mulder? It broke her heart how he so easily placed a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. The desire to fight wasn't great enough when it was his own life hanging in the balance, only when it was her life being placed on the line. How could she explain to him that she valued his life as much as her own, even if he didn't seem to place such a value on himself?

Now, days later, she sat in their basement office, trying not to stare at her partner. He was sitting at his desk, wearing his glasses as he skimmed through possible cases, sunflower seeds at the ready should he want them. All in all, it looked so normal. On the surface, all is as it was before. Only Scully knew him better than that. Maybe it was just that she was the only one who bothered to look.

"Mulder," she began, readying her nerve. "We need to talk about Modell." She looked into his eyes, still so similar to those that were burned into her memory.

"I'm fi . . ." he managed to say before she interrupted him.

"Damn it, Mulder. Don't sit here and try to tell me that you are fine. I know you are not fine. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me." As she spoke, she had walked across the room to stand before his desk, looking past the folders and junk to her partner sitting beyond.

"What do you want me to say, Scully?" Mulder looked down at his hands, he looked so lost and alone sitting there. "When I look at you, I see you there with tears in your eyes at my betrayal. You were strong when I was weak, it was because of you that we managed to escape, before Modell forced me to shoot anyone else.

"When I close my eyes to sleep at night, it's not the same old monsters that I see, but your face. I see your tears, and I know that I caused them. I could never hurt you, Scully, I could never forgive myself if anything else happened to you because of me."

As she looked at her partner, her own eyes clouded with tears. She wanted to absolve him of his guilt, if only he would allow it. For such a gentle soul, he carried so much guilt inside. True, to the world he was a joke, "Spooky" Mulder, never without a wisecrack. However, she had looked beyond the exterior, to the little boy that lie within. The same little boy that she wanted to make everything all right for. But she couldn't.

"Mulder, it wasn't you in control in that room. I know you would never hurt me intentionally, it was in the look on your face as you held that gun. What scares me, is that you only fought when it was me being threatened," she walked around his desk, taking his hand with her own. "Mulder, didn't you see that what distressed me the most was the way you risked your own life, not when the risk was mine? One round in the chamber later, and that bullet would have killed you. Why didn't you fight him then?"

Tears had finally begun to slide down her cheeks, but she no longer cared. All that mattered was getting through to her partner, and best friend. Scully looked down at their hands, where they lay intertwined in his lap, then she again looked into his eyes. The pain that had been there for so many days, the clouds darkening the horizon, seemed to be parting. Recognition flashed in the hazel depths.

"Me? When your own life was in danger as much as my own, you were worried about me?" he questioned, the look upon his face almost begging as his own tears formed.

"Don't you know, Fox Mulder, that you are my partner, not to mention my best friend? Life without you would be boring to say the least," she smiled faintly as she spoke. "It bothered me how easily you pulled the trigger on yourself. Do you see yourself as being any less valuable than me?"

"I guess I thought that as long as you were safe, what happened to me didn't matter," once again scared to look her in the eye, he stared at the floor.

"What happens to you will always matter. Because without you, I couldn't be completely happy. No matter how much you infuriate me sometimes. Best friends are forever, and I plan to keep you around for a long time."

She surprised herself as much as her partner when she reached out and hugged Mulder. It was an innocent move, meant to comfort and support. When she pulled away, he too had a small smile playing on his lips.

"Thanks Scully, just for being there. I love you, you know," he paused, curious of the reaction he would receive, before continuing. "For the first time in my life, I've found a friend I plan to keep around for a long time, too. Even if she does make fun of my extensive movie collection." He laughed, and the sound was like Beethoven to Scully's ears.

"Love you, too, partner. Now that we've established that neither one of us is going anywhere, how about we get some work done?" With a smile she crossed back to her side of the room. "So, what strange creature do you have your eye on for our next project?"

With that, she was pleased to see what passed for normal return to the basement office. And while his shadowed eyes might never leave her memory, she was happy to see that light had finally began to overtake the remaining shadows in his eyes.

fin

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