Sitting on a plane, bound for home, there's only one phrase that continues to repeat in my head. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

We're going home, finally. But I'm not sure what home is anymore, been kind of confused about that for a while now. Is it back in Tennessee or waiting in Hawaii? The tears that seem always just out of reach lately sting my eyes. Could it be that it's not a place at all?

So much of what has been home for me is on this plane, put up inside a whitewashed box. He can't talk back, can't argue with me or laugh. He can only lie there and take part of me with him. I almost laugh. Probably even the best part.

It's funny in a strange way. Before the world was blown apart all around us, I thought losing my girl was the worst thing that could ever happen.

I was wrong. Totally and horribly wrong.

Damn it, I'm older. I'm supposed to look out for him, not the other way around. Just like I always did. 'Tho maybe that's a lie, he looked out for me, too. I close my eyes, pressing my fists against my thighs. Damn it, he wasn't supposed to get killed trying to save me. He wasn't supposed to be the one to die.

I wanted to scream as I held him in my arms, oblivious to the tears falling down my face. Probably did, can't say. Wanted to jump up and kill anything that moved. Don't really remember much after that. Just holding him, refusing to let go when we were rescued and they tried to pull him away. If I didn't let go he was still there -- with me.

I want to pound the wood of his casket, as if it might make some difference. I came back from the dead. Why can't he?

I want to go back in time and change so many things, to make things right. Not even something like warning everyone about the attack. The stuff between Danny and me after I got back. Fighting at the club. Not trusting him. Maybe even hating him for a while.

'Cause all of a sudden the world changed right under our feet. I didn't hate Danny then. I was too scared of losing him to hate him. Danny's dad may have been a mean son of a bitch, but I started to think he had a point about the war. Closest I've ever come to hell on earth, or ever want to for that matter.

That is, 'till I watched the person who means more to me -- than I think I even mean to myself -- die in my arms. Going in I thought it was maybe fated that I wouldn't be back. So full of righteous anger I couldn't see past the end of our mission to the empty life I was sure lay beyond.

So it was simple. Maybe I wouldn't be back, but Danny would. Back to Evelyn and their family. Back home. He always was smarter, but I was older. His protector even when he didn't want me to be.

My breath catching in my throat, I rub a hand over my face. Maybe I did live through France for Evelyn. Could be I shoulda lived through it a bit more for myself. For Danny.

I guess this must be how he felt when I was gone. All empty inside and not sure if you're supposed to feel... anything. Can't know for certain 'cause I never asked him. Never did give him much of a chance at explaining. Even after we'd stopped fighting and moved on to our next assignment -- our last -- there was still a distance between us.

Glancing back toward where he rests now, all I can do is curse my stubborn pride. I'd been given something in France... a second shot a life. Another chance, more time. Why'd I have to be too mad to toss it away?

When his plane went down after saving us the first time... I thought my heart was going to just stop. I was so sure I'd lost him right then, though I couldn't believe it. But he was there, hurt and bleeding but alive. Not sure I'd ever felt so happy even though I was panicking at the same time.

And then... then everything just stopped. He died before I realized what a fool I'd been. Dropping my face into my hands I let out a shaky breath. Died so I wouldn't.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

We're about to land. I know Evelyn will be there, waiting -- hoping. They're all waiting for us back home, that's what the other guys keep saying. They're getting more excited the closer we get, but I just sit here. Watching but not talking. I'm left with the same question as before. Where is home, now that the other half of me is gone?

End